Saturday, November 05, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 5 November 2005

To help pay, for what many say will be a costly defense, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and his new attorney, Ted Wells, will star in a Broadway production, from a script that Libby wrote, a comtemporary version of 'Mutt and Jeff'

In the third day of the trial, taking place in Las Vegas, Nevada, the tiger, charged with Aggrevated Assault and Attempted Murder, against Roy Horn, of Siegfried and Roy, gave a dynamic demonstration, showing that his intentions were to pick up the fallen Roy and bring him to safety.

If convicted, the tiger may receive a sentence of 7-15-years in other Las Vegas shows.

When asked at a recent United Nations hearing, if the United States actually had the nerve to invade either Syria or Iran, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield made a oblique reference, defiantly answering "Condi's got'em as big as this."

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is expected to file Sexual Harrassment charges against Vice President Dick Cheney and National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley for what Rice says is "constant, unwanted leering and sexually suggestive whispers".

The Vatican has increased its hunt for gay priests, now employing teams with specially trained dogs that can "sniff out homosexuals".

At a recent conference, Microsoft Chairman and Founder Bill Gates "scared the shit" out of Bill Clinton, when Gates went into details with the former president on just how far Microsoft intended to go before they were halted by the monoply and anti-trust suits brought on by the government

Friday, November 04, 2005

Friday 4 November 2005

Bush Calls For Color-Coded Pandemic Warning System

With Corruption and Leak Cases Mounting, Administration Needs New Diversions

In a brief question-and-answer session with reporters and other media in Mar del Plate, Argentina, President Bush indicated that he has instructed the Homeland Security Department to begin working on and creating a color-coded Pandemic Warning Chart.

President Bush is at the Argentina resort, attending a gathering of Western Hemisphere leaders. His appearance there has sparked a huge protest, with thousands taking to the streets in what they call a 'People's Summit'.

Following his speech on Tuesday, at the National Institutes of Health, the President said that he is "very worried" about the Avian Bird Flu and that he wants to see that American citizens "have enough information and warning" about the disease.

The President did say that Dick Cheney's Secret Bunker has been "pandemic-proofed" so, should the pandemic hit the United States, "we'll still have a healthy, functioning government".

"We really want to fight this deadly flu over there, and not here," said Bush.

President Bush also admitted that all Cabinet members and most of the White House staff have been guaranteed vaccinations, by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield, who, before joining the Bush Cabinet, was Chairman of Gliead Sciences, the manufacturer of the Avian Bird Flu vaccination, Tamiflu.

A spokesperson for Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff confirmed that the department was working on" something" but could not, or would not provide many details.

'We are talking with Crayola, and some other private color consultants." said the HDS spokesperson. 'The President was very specific that the colors for the Pandemic warnings need to be very different than the color for the terror alerts."

Along with notifying media outlets for reports of elevated Pandemic Alerts, the color-chart will be available, with daily updates at, the new website the President said was created for this issue.

A sources close to the administration claims that the pandemic is "just another cover" for the White House.

"They getting worried, with the court cases piling up," said the source. "They need to create a new diversion."

Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf', agreed.

"The terror alert system just hasn't taken off the way we thought it would," said Varicator. "We don't know if the colors aren't working, or if people are just not listening. It's clearly not providing enough cover for the administration."

'Cry Wolfe' is closely affiliated with The Project for the New American Century (PNAC), and, some say, is actually part of the hawk group.

Another source says that 'Cry Wolf" is a new effort from the White House Iraq Group, or WHIG.

"They've set up an offshoot group," said the White House source. 'It's call PIG, for Pandemic Information Group. It's pretty much made up of the same people, with a few others from HHS and other places involved."

President Bush, when asked, said he was considering putting in place a "Pandemic Czar" but that he hasn't had time to review the list of "donors and cronies" that could fill the position. The President refused comment if Michael Brown, former FEMA Director might take the post.

"I think you'll understand," said the President, with a smirk, "that we want to keep FEMA out of this one."

Both the White House, and Homeland Security, would not comment on reports that the CIA was maintaining a secret system of hospitals, focused on the Avian Bird Flu and its' effects on captured Al Qaeda terrorists.

A new strain of the Avian Bird Flu reportedly gives birds uncanny physical abilities, that includes carrying items over 100-times their weight, the coordination to ride bicycles and operate machinery.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Aaron Brown Is Considering Now That He's Been Ousted From CNN

10. Practice his lying and stonewalling while waiting patiently for Scott McClellan to either resign or be fired

9. See if NBC's show, "Three Wishes" can give him any help

8. Call Karl Rove and see if he'd be interested in smearing Anderson Cooper

7. Edit resume to higlight he anchored, for days, Sept 11th coverage, and not some little hurricane like Cooper

6. Get his own radio show, syndicated column and let Bush Administration now he's available to promote any of their policies

5. Become a Chicago (ding-a-ling) weatherman

4. Since it seems to be working for Judy Miller's career, see if Special Prosecutor will put him in jail over his notes on CIA Leak

3. Memo: Check with CIA, see if they need some PR help for the secret prison system

2. Look to see if he can catch on with Fox News so he can smear Anderson Cooper himself

1. Apply for FEMA Director's Job; Qualifications aren't any worse then Mike Brown's

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Special Sing-Along: Dick, The Magic Vice Prez

To honor and comemorate the arraignment today of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, The Garlic wants everybody to join in and serenade Scooter with "Dick, The Magic Vice-Prez".

(It goes to the melody of Puff The Magic Dragon)

Dick, The Magic Vice-Prez

Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money
Little Scooter Libby loved that rascal Dick
And brought him leaks with other sneaks and bigger Neocon stuff, oh …

Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money
Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money

Together they would travel, on a jet with secure email
Scooter kept a lookout perched on Dick's gigantic money trail
Noble kings and British PM's would bow whene'er the came
Corporate ships would lower their flag when Dick roared out his name, oh …

Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money
Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money

A vice-prez lives forever, but not so little Scooters
Ugly leaks and oil-rich shieks make way for other ploys
One grey night it happened, Little Scooter came no more
And Dick that magic vice prez, he increased his fearless roar, oh ...

Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money
Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money

His head was cocked like Zorro, greenbacks fell like rain
Dick no longer went to play along that DC lane
Without his life-long friend, Dick could now ride waves
So Dick the magic vice prez, joyfully dug his crtics graves, oh ...

Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money
Dick, the magic vice-prez, lived in DC
And frolicked in the bottemless pit of Halliburton money

Dick, The Magic Vice-Prez wants you to sing his song, loud and proud!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Wednesday 2 November 2005

Breaking News!
Leak of CIA Covert Prison System May Affect IPO, Franchising Rights

Early Heavy Investment Cools In Wake of Story; North Korea May Trade Nuke Program For Multiple Prisons

The bombshell story in today's 'Washington Post', about a network of covert prisons housing Al Qaeda terrorists that the Central Intelligence Agency has quietly built since September 11th, will only see a temporary bump in its' run-up to the IPO and franchising the agency has planned, say industry traders.

The 'Post' story says that the "hidden global internment network is a central element in the CIA's unconventional war on terrorism. It depends on the cooperation of foreign intelligence services". The network of prisons, or "black sites" spans eight countries, including Thailand, Egypt, Jordan, Morocco, Afghanistan and several democracies in Eastern Europe.

Officially, the CIA has not even acknowledged the existence of its black sites.

The Bush Administration refused comment on the story, citing "National Security" but, according to a source close to the Vice President's office is contained in "classified documents", in the White House, CIA, Justice Department and "are known to only a handful of officials in the United States and, usually, only to the president and a few top intelligence officers in each host country."

"This is where Libby screwed up," said the senior administration source. "There's plausible deniability now with the Post leak. The Vice President, President, all of them can say they first learned of this from reporters. Libby got his scandals mixed up."

Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', said that this was an "new, innovative venture" for the CIA.

"They initially funded these hellholes with Homeland Security funds - you know how they can bury things in those kind of budgets. But the plan, from the beginning was, after getting them established, they would launch an IPO, to continue the funding without any oversight, and offer new black sites on a franchise-basis."

The Washington Post reports in the story that an estimated $100 million was tucked inside the classified annex of the first supplemental Afghanistan appropriation to set up the secret prison network.

Larson said that the abuse scandals at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison and at Guantanamo Bay "almost blew this program open" but that the CIA, and the Administration worked to create a diversion.

"This is where the Wilson's enter," said Larson.

"Sacrificing Wilson and his wife, stonewalling the investigation, not only gave Bush the 2004 election, but it saved the black sites as well."

To make the IPO and Franchising more attractive, says Larson, is why, last month, Vice President Cheney and CIA Director Porter J. Goss asked Congress to exempt CIA employees from legislation already endorsed by 90 senators that would bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoner in US custody.

"Just trying to sweeten the offer," said Larson.

Franchise packages for the covert prisons are priced with and without CIA trainers.

Virtually nothing is known about who is kept in the facilities, what interrogation methods are employed with them, or how decisions are made about whether they should be detained or for how long.

CIA interrogators are permitted to use the CIA's approved "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques," some of which are prohibited by the U.N. convention and by US military law.

These tactics include "waterboarding," in which a prisoner is made to believe he or she is drowning, sleep deprivation and putting prisoners in complete isolation from the outside world, often kept in dark cargo containers or underground cells. They have no recognized legal rights

An undisclosed, private Washington D.C. bank is handling the IPO, "likely a CIA front company" said Larson.

"It has the blessing of the Bush Administration. They consider it an element of the privatization philosphy. If you can privatize Social Security, education, other entitlements and government programs, why not privatize torture?"

The leaking of the story to the 'Washington Post' has shown some "slowing" of investors in the upcoming IPO release but Larson indicated that it should only be a "temporary bump".

One of the early investors, and potential franchise owner, is North Korea.

According to the senior administration source, there have been back-channel discussions, throught Vice President Cheney's office and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice that a deal could be reached that would give the North Koreans "multiple covert prisons".

"If breaking news hits in the next few weeks or months," said the source, "that North Korea is giving up their Nuclear Program, then you know the black site deal with through."

Former Senator Slade Gorton, a member of the 9/11 Commission, reacts to the news of the secret CIA Prison Systems and calls that the Commission redo its' report from scratch.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Said During the Closed Senate Session On Tuesday

10. Shouldn't Cheney be here? Anybody got the number to the secret bunker?

9. When do the bring in the beer and pretzels?

8. Okay, the only square left in the pool is that Libby gets 18-months

7. I can guarantee you Mr. Reid, nobody in here is "Official A"

6. This is an an affront to me personally, our leadership, the American people, my stockbroker and my blind trust!

5. Senator Roberts, you can't tell us again, that you left the paperwork in your other briefcase, back in Kansas!

4. I heard the Gift Bags for this Closed Session are killer - and they have gas coupons!

3. You sure Anna Nicole Smith is going to believe this is a real Senate hearing?

2. Harry, you can keep us in here all week, we just can't override the President, bring back and nominate Harriet Miers

1. Point of Order - Is this really Rule 21 or are the Bush people pulling another terrorist alert?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Tuesday 1 November 2005

With Damage Already Done, Wilson Fears New Cheney Staff

Says Rove Should Be Fired and Options Open On Suing VP and Libby

Ignoring the calls for a house-cleaning, Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday named two loyal and longtime aides to replace the indicted former Chief of Staff, I. Lewis 'Scooter" Libby.

The Vice President's office said that David S. Addington, formerly Cheney's counsel, would be the new Chief of Staff and, John P. Hannah would become Cheney's new Assistant for National Security. Hannah had been the prinicipal Deputy Assistant to the Vice President for National Security Affairs. Both of these positions had been formerly held by Libby.

Former ambassador, Joseph C. Wilson IV, whose wife Valerie Wilson (nee Plame) was the CIA Agent outed by Libby, Rove and other members of the Bush Administration, indicated he was very "uncomfortable" with the new Cheney staff appointments.

"This is the guy [Addington} that is in favor of torture," said a shaken Wilson.

Addington has aggressively represented the vice president's views throughout the administration, especially on national security issues, and has been a strong advocate of presidential power. Addington has favored the president's power to detain terrorism suspects and to use interrogation techniques that critics say amount to torture.

"This is one of the guys who wrote the book. They've already ruined my wife's life. What happens next - they deem me an enemy combatant and it's lights out."

Last year, Addington worked closely with the vice president in drafting compromise language to make clear that the new national intelligence director could not interfere in the military chain of command. He has also backed the administration's efforts to conduct much of its business behind closed doors, taking a role in the fight over whether Mr. Cheney's energy task force would have to release information about its meetings.

"I've called for a thorough house-cleaning in the vice president's office," said Senator Charles E. Schumer (D-NY), "but what they've done is just rearrange some office furniture.

Appearing on CNN's "The Situation Room" with Wolf Blitzer, Wilson, when asked by Blitzer, confirmed that he and his wife have received threats.

"I won't go into specific threats," said Wilson. "I'll tell you that there have been threats. And as a consequence, we've been working closely with the appropriate law enforcement agencies. We've changed our phone number and taken other security measures."

Blitzer asked Wilson if he was "disappointed" that no one was charged with outing his wife as an undercover CIA agent.

"Well, I think it's important to remember two things. One, he was unable to indict on anything other than the charges because, as he said, his investigation into this was impeded by the obstruction of justice and perjury. And two, as he said, the state's interests were vindicated by the indictments that were handed down. And three, finally, this is not a crime against Joe Wilson or Valerie Wilson, it's a crime against the country, against the national security of the country."

Later, Wilson added that "Karl Rove should be fired".

"I think that this idea that you can, with impunity, call journalists and leak national security information is repugnant."

Wilson would neither confirm or deny that he may file civil lawsuits against Libby, Cheney, and possible others.

"We're keeping all of our options open. There's a very complicated procedure for this, even though the case itself is relatively simple. And we have not come to any decision yet."

Addington and Vice President Cheney declined commenting on Wilson's remarks but did hint that a new file on the Wilson was being opened by the office.

Asked if there were any regrets, a spokesperson for the Vice President's office said "No".

"Next time, we may consider outsourcing the leaks."

Vice President Cheney is reported to hold, for his staff, weekly, "torture stories" in the Vice President's office, often over pizza and beer.

News In Brief 1 November 2005

With New War Room, Bush Calls On Wal-Mart To Join Coalition Forces

Retail Giant 'Could Outfit Millions of Troops"; Military Will Limit Benefits and Consider Waiver For Illegal Workers

After finding out the retail giant Wal-Mart has launched a "war room", President Bush has called on the Bentonville, Arkansas company to join with the coalition fighting terrorism and waging the war to free Iraq.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, answering one of the few questions that White House Council would allow him, confirmed that the President called Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott Jr. to make the request.

"I can't go into detail," said McClellan. "We don't know yet if anyone in the investigation has shopped at Wal-Mart and we don’t want to compromise the integrity of the matter."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield was buoyed and optimistic about adding Wal-Mart to the Coalition force.

"Heavens, they could bring hundreds-of-thousands of new soldiers … Full-Time, Part-Time, we'll fit them in there alright."

Rumsfield said he hasn't seen the final proposal but indicated the U.S. Military is prepared to make concessions in order to gain Wal-Mart's support.

"We can maintain low or no benefits," said Rumsfield, "And, we can file waivers for all their undocumented workers."

Wal-Mart opened its' "war room", staffed by veterans of the 2004 Bush and Kerry presidential campaigns, to sell a new, improved image to reluctant consumers. Wal-Mart faces declining growth and an expected backlash to the new documentary opening, "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price" by director Robert Greenwald.

To keep up with its critics, Wal-Mart "has to run a campaign," said Robert McAdam, a former political strategist at the Tobacco Institute who now oversees Wal-Mart's corporate communications.

Members of the new "war room" include Michael K. Deaver, who was Ronald Reagan's Assistant and Deputy Chief of Staff, and Leslie Dach, one of Bill Clinton's media consultants.

Unconfirmed rumors are being reported that, in Iraq, a growing number petitions have been started to keep Wal-Mart Coalition forces out of their towns and cities.

Top Ten Cloves: How The White House Celebrated Halloween

10. Scooter Libby showed up, wearing prison-striped pajamas

9. All the chips and dip were in Tupperware bowls provided by Karen Hughes

8. Tucker Carlson came as Tucker Carlson, with his bow tie twirling like a propeller

7. Pumpkins were carved in the likeness of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald

6. Dick Cheney attended, but via satellite from his secret bunker

5. Brought up a group of detainees from Gitmo and had them, blindfolded and handcuffed, bob for apples

4. Karl Rove came to party as Karl Rove and scared the bejeezes out of everybody

3. For real spooky stuff, FBI files on Democratic Leadership was read aloud

2. President Bush got to wear is full Cowboy suit, complete with cap six-shooters

1. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice came dressed as Iraq Constitution and everybody "approved" her

Monday, October 31, 2005

Monday 31 October 2005

Cheney Reportedly Takes Blame For Libby Charges

"Didn't Set Up Fall Guy", Says Disheartened VP; Hopes There's Time 'To Fix This".

A senior administration source told The Garlic that Vice President Dick Cheney spent the weekend "agonizing" over the indictment of his Chief of Staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and took responsibility for it happening.

Cheney, reportedly, said over, and over, that it was "his fault".

In a heavily somber conversation, the senior aide said, Cheney was "going off on tangents", alternately blaming the Special Prosecutor and liberals, and, at other times, pointing the finger at himself.

"He was all over the place", said the source. "He didn't weep or sob but he was clearly depressed."

In his wide-ranging rant, Cheney admitted that "I didn't set up a fall guy" and is said to have mentioned that "Scooter didn't have to do this" and that "Scooter is taking a mighty big one for the team".

On Friday, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald leveled five counts of indictment against Libby, for perjury, obstruction of justice and making false statements during Fitzgerald's investigation to the leaking and revelation of the identity of CIA Agent Valerie Plame.

During Fitzgerald's investigation, it was learned that Libby first heard about Valerie Plame from his boss, Vice President Cheney, who was making his own inquiries to the CIA about Plame's husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, who has been an outspoken critic of Cheney and the Bush Administrations run-up to the reasons for invading Iraq.

Cheney's compassion for Libby is at odds with reports, that in the weeks leading up to the indictments, Cheney and Libby were arguing and fighting over the potential defense, should an indictment come.

Libby was hoping to plead "Nolo Contendere" and Cheney squashed that strategy, reserving that defense should Cheney also be indicted.

The White House had no comment on Cheney's alleged remarks about Libby. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that, while the President spend the weekend at Camp David, "we have no idea what the Vice President was doing or where he was doing it."

On Friday, Cheney was in Georgia, appearing at a $250-a-plate fund-raiser for former Rep. Max Burns, and later attended a rally for airmen at Robins Air Force Base in Warner Robins, Ga., and then on to hold a reception in Perry, Ga., for former Congressman Mac Collins

Cheney released a written statement, saying he accepted Libby's resignation with "deep regret" and cited Libby as "one of the most capable and talented individuals I have ever known"

"In our system of government an accused person is presumed innocent until a contrary finding is made by a jury after an opportunity to answer the charges and a full airing of the facts. Mr. Libby is entitled to that opportunity

Cheney added that "because this is a pending legal proceeding, in fairness to all those involved, it would be inappropriate for me to comment on the charges or on any facts relating to the proceeding."

It is not clear from the senior administration official if Cheney has plans to come forward, or to speak with the Special Prosecutor.

"I'm sure they'll address that at the next secret cabal meeting," said the aide. "Right now it's not a conspiracy and I'm pretty confident that want to keep it that way."

Bush staffers Scott McClellan, Karen Hughes and Karl Rove set off for their Halloween outing of 'Trick-or-Treating' in Georgetown, disguised as innocent and capable government officials.

Early reports say that they've scared "the bejeezes" out of neighbors and passerbys.

News In Brief 31 October 2005

White House Sets Mark With No Terror Alert During Indictments

Libby's Bad News Passes Without Fear Package; Homeland Security Looks Into Missed Opportunity

As Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald held a press conference on Friday, outlining the five counts of indictment against Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff, I. Lewis 'Scooter" Libby, the nation remained calm, with no change in the terror alert, or fear-invoking news of any imminent attacks.

For journalists and media watchers, it was, perhaps, the first time since 9/11 that such an occurrence has happened.

"It goes to show just how much the White House is in disarray," offered media critic, Maxwell Throckmorton, of the monthly "We're Watching!".

President Bush as in Norfolk, Virginia, giving his standard Defending The War In Iraq/Terror speech to a group of naval cadets. Vice President Cheney was in Georgia, fundraising for Republican candidates and Karl Rove was likely as far away from Washington - and the Special Prosecutor - as he could be.

"Someone fell asleep at the switch", offered Throckmorton.

Recently, Keith Olbermann, host of MSNBC's 'Countdown' news program, read off a list of 13 occurrences in which bad news for the Bush Administration coincided with the change in the terror alert, or news of a dangerous threat.

On October 6th, a day when the special prosecutor said he could not guarantee he would not indict Karl Rove, the news of a planned attack against the New York Subway system was announced (and later proved coming from a unreliable source). Olbermann, with guest Craig Crawford, author of "Attack the Messenger", went through the list of 13 incidents of "news that significantly impacted the White House negatively, there has been some sudden credible terror threat somewhere in this country".

Crawford noted that "it is a pattern".

"There is a pattern here. And I think it's difficult sometimes to take it at face value. But in these moments, when it looks like a crisis, it's … those of us who bring it up get accused of treason. That's what Howard Dean was accused of when he raised that after the Democratic Convention scare alert."

"This administration have been real pro's at this. They've done it like clockwork." offered Throckmorton. "It's inexplicable how they missed this one."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, when asked about why there was no terror alert on Friday, declined comment, referring the questioner to Homeland Security.

A spokesperson for Homeland Security issued a statement late on Friday, that read, in part;

"An alert should have been issued and we are endeavoring to see it the threat is still viable".

Both McClellan and Homeland Security refused comment if there will be future terror alerts should Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald hand-down further indictments.

Top Ten Cloves: How President Bush Spent His Weekend At Camp David

10. Badgered Harriet Miers, hounding her if she still thought he was the "greatest"

9. Made a dent in all the DVD's his staff prepared so he could catch up on what was happening in the news

8. Called Bill Frist to get some new, fresh stock tips

7. Heard about Hurricane Beta and worried if FEMA was going to screw that one up too

6. Looked over his "Who's Going To Piss Off The Democrats" Supreme Court Nominee list

5. Practiced, over-and-over, saying "Who is this Libby guy?"

4. Had Andy Card contact Ashton Kutcher to see if he could "Punk" this Special Prosecutor fellow

3. Called Dick Cheney and inquired who was this Valerie Plame woman and why all the fuss over her

2. Asked Karl Rove, on the "QT" to start preparing some smears on Dick Cheney

1. Kept having staff explain this "moving clocks back" thing; Thought it was "Spring Back/Fall Forward"