Friday, September 01, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Could Go Wrong With The Pentagon Monitoring The Media In Iraq

News Item: Pentagon Moves Toward Monitoring Media

10. New CBS Anchor Katie Couric gets her first big scoop, that military generals are many pounds heavier due to Pentagon airbrushing their photos

9. End up recommending to President to invade France, citing the reams of news reports and internet chatter about “Paris

8. Whole program crashes the first time they monitor and fact check an Ann Coulter piece

7. May make reporters dip fingers in purple ink after writing a good story

6. Situation in Iraq gets further bogged down when terrorists start flooding media with fake news stories

5. Could lead to retired newspaper editors joining with retired generals in calling for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to resign

4. Having to use the word “Byline” will make a number of generals uncomfortable, believing they may be violating the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy

3. Thought new policy was “Adapting To Win”; Monitoring media seems more like “Staying The Course

2. Major scandal, when program it is exposed that Secretary Rumsfeld is just trying to find out who the appeasers are

1. Hmmm ... What exactly are we going to monitor? Aren’t we already paying the media in Iraq to write good stories?

The Pentagon is said to be sparing no expense and employing propriatary, state-of-the-art equipment and resources for monitoring the media in Iraq

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Garlic Exclusive! New RNC/GOP Theme Song For Midterms

Garlic Exclusive! New RNC/GOP Theme Song For Midterms

Sources tell The Garlic that the RNC and GOP are rolling out a new rallying theme song - It’s A Fascist World After All - for their charge into the midterm elections.

It was to have been ready at the beginning of this week, for the speeches given by Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld but a late decision was made to hold off and wait, to use with President Bush’s new Bushapalooza kick-off slated for today

Sing along - you all know the tune (and if you need the help of a musical accompaniment, click here)

It’s A Fascist World After All

It's a world of terrorists
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we ensnare
That it's time we're all aware
It's a fascist world after all

There is just one war
And one golden gun
And a speech from Bush means
Fear to everyone
The goal is to divide
With no laws to abide
It's a fascist world after all

It's a fascist world after all
It's a fascist world after all
It's a fascist world after all
It's a fascist, fascist world

The RNC would neither confirm or deny that an appearance by "The Three Terrors" will take place at a yet-to-be-named Midterm campaign event

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Minced Garlic ... Keith Olbermann Special Comment - Feeling morally, intellectually confused?

Minced Garlic ... Keith Olbermann Special Comment - Feeling morally, intellectually confused?

All day today, after hearing about, and reading, the latest “fear-o-grams” from President Vice President Dick Cheney, and his Vice PresidentSecretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, I could feel another “Garlictorial” percolating - That is until I watched MSNBC’s most prized program - Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Hence, only Minced Garlic, since the main focus of the post will be Olbermann’s eloquent dissertation.

Cheney and Rumsfeld... Jeez, there are infomercial actors that have stronger morals and higher ethics regarding what they will say on-camera then these two cretins.

Excluding the first 5.5-years of this Bush Administration, we’d have to go back quite a ways (Nixon Presidency? ... McCarthy?) to find an elected, sitting Vice President and a sitting Cabinet member of the United States utter such un-American speech

I suspect it will be tomorrow, or later, before the transcript of Countdown is posted, however, on his Bloggerman Blog, Olbermann has, essentially, the entire tome posted.

He kicks it off with;

The man who sees absolutes, where all other men see nuances and shades of meaning, is either a prophet, or a quack.

Donald H. Rumsfeld is not a prophet.

Read it for yourself

Feeling morally, intellectually confused?

P.S. To borrow from Olbermann and Countdown, if there was a “Best Person In The World” segment, Mr. Olbermann, you would have to be the recipient of it tonight.

There are infomercial actors that have stronger morals and higher ethics regarding what they will say on-camera then these two cretins

Update - More on Keith Olbermann’s Special Comment, with video on Crooks and Liars

Developing Story: Iraqis Fume, Charge Bush With ‘Cutting and Standing”

Bush Promise To Hurricane Victims Inflames Iraqis; May Sue In World Court

Fear Unfinished Job; Maliki Says “He Was Here First” and “He Can’t Stand In Two Places”

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki delivered a blistering criticism of President George Bush late yesterday, charging that Bush, and the United States is “cutting and standing”, and all but abandoning their commitment to “finishing the job here in Iraq.

Maliki believes, as do a significant number of other Iraqis, that President Bush’s pledge yesterday, to hurricane victims in the Gulf Region and New Orleans, that "This anniversary is not an end. And so I come back to say that we will stand with the people of southern Louisiana and southern Mississippi until the job is done," is a clear-cut case that Bush is giving up on Iraq.

“He was here first,” blasted Maliki, “over two-years before that hurricane hit and did more damage to our country than what one-hundred hurricanes could do ... He had us vote and paint our fingers ... He wants us to denounce some of our neighbors and praise others ... Now all Bush wants to do is cut-and-stand ...”

Maliki Says He Has Documentation To Enforce Oral Contract Bush Made

“Well,” continued the inflamed Iraqi Prime Minister, “he can’t stand in two places at once... He’s going to have to stick to his commitment to me and the Iraqi people, above and before all others.”

Maliki, after his speech, indicated that he will consult with the Iraqi government on whether or not to file suit in the Iraq court system, or, possibly, the World Court, against President Bush and seeking holding Bush to his “often-stated” oral contract.”

“We have mountains of documents, news clippings and, with thanks to Senator Bill Frist, a vast videotape collection, of President Bush, repeatedly, stating his commitment to Iraq, promising to “stay until the job is done”. He can’t just waltz away from that now and go finish some other job. By the look of his administration, it appears they like to start jobs but not finish them.”

“Look what he did,” a still agitated Maliki fumed in the halls outside of the Iraqi Parliament. “Bush invades our country and while he’s still waging his war here in Iraq, he goes out and starts another one,” referring to the War On Hurricanes that Bush announced after Hurricane Katrina struck and reaffirmed his commitment to on Monday.

“What’s he calling the hurricanes now,” mocked Maliki, “Meteorological-Fascists?”

Cheney (“Retreat Would Change Policies”) and Rumsfeld (Maliki “Suffering from Moral and Intellectual Confusion”) Push Back

The White House offered no immediate comment, however, Vice President Dick Cheney took issue with Maliki’s criticism.

“I realize, as well, that some in our own country claim retreat from our War On Hurricanes would satisfy the appetite of the Meteorological-Fascists and get them to leave us alone. But the exact opposite is true. Time and again over the last generation, the Meteorological-Fascists have targeted nations whose behavior they believe they can change through violence.”

“In fact,” continued the vice-president, “such a retreat would convince the Meteorological-Fascists, once again, that free nations will change our policies, forsake our friends, and abandon our interests whenever we are confronted with violence and blackmail. They would simply draw up another set of demands, and instruct Americans to act as they direct or to face other murders. A precipitous withdrawal from War On Hurricanes would be a victory for the Meteorological-Fascists, an invitation to further violence against free nations, and a ruinous blow to the future security of the United States.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was more direct, and dismissive, of Prime Minister Maliki’s tirade.

‘Goodness,” sighed Rumsfeld, “Somebody’s always yapping about something over there ... We didn’t do this, we didn’t do that ... Why doesn’t this guy get a life ...”

Rumsfeld ridiculed Maliki and lumped him in with other American officials who sought to appease the Nazis before World War II, warning that the nation is confronting "a new type of fascism." and negotiate with Adolf Hitler.

“You know,” continued the Secretary who has resisted all calls to step down, “I think the Prime Minister may be suffering from moral and intellectual confusion, just like all the others who want us to appease this new type of fascism.

"Once again, we face similar challenges in efforts to confront the rising threat of a new type of fascism," Rumsfeld said. "But some seem not to have learned history's lessons."

"Can we,” continued Rumsfeld, “truly afford to believe that, somehow or someway, Meteorological-Fascists could be appeased?"

President Bush, seen here before his speech in New Orleans, practicing imitating a hurricane, has been charged by Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki of "cutting and standing"

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

More Than A Few Cloves ... The Garlic Special - Hurricane Katrina Redux

The Garlic Special - Hurricane Katrina Redux

With today being the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina slamming into the Gulf Coast and, subsequently, in the days that followed, contributed to the flooding of the great city of New Orleans, we reach back into The Garlic’s archives (Hey, it saves you a hour, or so, of using the Search Box and pouring through all the posts) to present all the hard-hitting posts from that time period (and, a little beyond).

As Steven Wright once said that “I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time”, we’re not sure what a retro look at blog posts might rain down on us, but here they are, in chronological/date-order.

Lastly, perhaps, rather then remembering the sadness and tragedy associated with this date, let’s look at it as a very bright beginning, when the curtain was pulled back from the Orwellian White House, exposing to a much larger number of Americans, the incompetence and arrogance of President George Walker Bush and his administration, a view that becomes brighter and clearer to this very day.

Sunni's Offer Deal To Support Vote In Exchange For Sections of New Orleans

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Kayne West Knows That President Bush Doesn't Care About

Cheney To Visit, Beef Up New Orleans Security; Will Patrol and Bring Law and Order; Also Paving Way For Halliburton Contracts

Justice Dept. Swamped With Flood, Hurricane Confessions; Thousands Say They Are To Blame; White House Orders Log Kept For Future Use

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On Vice President Cheney's Tour of Hurricane Region

Patronage Group Protests Brown Demotion

Bush Taps 'America's Fire Chief' As Temp FEMA Honcho; Paulison Takes Helm During Crises; Calls For Pronto Shipments of Duct Tape and Plastic

Top Ten Cloves: What Mike Brown Is Going To Do Now That He Resigned

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons President Bush Took Responsibility For Federal Response To Hurricane Disaster

Top Ten Cloves: How Martha Stewart Would Have Responded To Hurricane Katrina If She Ran FEMA

Bush To Announce War On Hurricanes; Prime-Time Speech Hints At Ties To Al-Qaeda

President's Speech Lets Millions See St. Louis Cathedral For First Time

President Accepting Blame For New Storm In Advance; Says "Not Waiting For FEMA To Screw Up"; Lights, Generators Packed For Another Prime Time Speech

White House In Disarray; Bush Torn Between Visiting Texas or New Orleans

Cable News Giants Considering All-Hurricane Channel


New White House Riff As First Lady Forced To Visit Hurricane Zone

Disney Tosses Hat Into Hurricane Ring; Said To Make Bid To Purchase New Orleans

Nagin Takes Back Apology; Sets Sights On Building Imported Chocolate City

White House Burns Midnight Oil As President Loads Up On "Unvarnished Advice"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways White House Will Try To Do Damage Control On Hurricane Video

Monday, August 28, 2006

Breaking News! President Calls Hurricanes Meteorological-Fascists

With Katrina Anniversary Comes Bush Move To Push Hurricane Season Back

Cites Potential To “Disrupt Too Many Vacations”; Reaffirms War, Adjusting To Win Against Powerful Storms

With President Bush expected to deliver speeches today, and tomorrow, in Mississippi and Louisiana, to mark the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, a major White House initiative will be announced, with the President declaring he will ask Congress to push back the Hurricane season.

In an advance copy of the speeches obtained by The Garlic, the President will use the occasion to reaffirm his “War On Hurricanes”, to counter critics, both in the Gulf Region, and in Washington, that say the White House has done little to move the rebuilding and healing along.

Shortly after Katrina struck, the White House announced the war, setting up “WOH”, a joint operation, shared between the Department of Homeland Security and the U.S. Military.

At the press conference announcing the operation, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld lamented that “you fight the hurricanes you have, not the hurricanes you wished you had.”

The speech, or the White House, makes no reference to the President also reaffirming taking the blame for any storms this Hurricane Season, or if he will give his speeches from a backlit landmark

Bush Jabs Democrats; Blames Poor Response On Hurricane Hitting During Heavy Vacation Period

In his speech, the President will say that “there are some that say we should pull back from the hurricanes ... that we should get out of their way,” in what is intended as a jab against the Democrats.

‘I say no,” continues the President. “We need to finish the job ... We need to fight them over there so as we don’t have to fight them here ... So that they don’t follow us home. It’s not time to cut-and-run against these hurricanes ... It’s time to adapt ... To change our strategies ... The hurricanes are watching and listening to us, and adapting to that so we have to counter and do the same ... Adapting to win is our goal, not cutting-and-running, as some here in Washington would have us do ...”

From the speeches, the President believes that the major problem with Katrina was too many Federal employees were on vacation, or had other plans for the long Labor Day weekend and were not available.

“Hey, I’m a compassionate kind of guy,” says the President. “I can understand that ... I was on vacation too ... You know, away from the office for some rest and relaxation ... Something I like to do ... Something a lot of Americans like to do ... And when you’re on vacation, you, kind of, leave the office behind you ... You don’t have all your tools with you - cell phones, Blackberries and the like ...”

“Meteorological-Fascists”; Call To Push Hurricane Season Back To February

“And you need these tools to fight something like a hurricane ... You need a lot of tools to fight these monsters ... These meteorological-fascists ...”

Near the end of the speeches, the President will offer that, once Congress is back in session, he will submit a bill calling for officially moving the Hurricane Season to February, chiefly due to “it’s the shortest month of the year and not a lot of people take vacations in February. It won’t be disruptive to the Federal Government’s vacation schedule”

“We’ll have a better window to concentrate our resources and defeat these storms ... These meteorological-fascists who don’t appreciate freedom and wants to change our lives ... That won’t happen as long as I am President ... We will stay until the job is done."

We Want Brownie!

In related news, the White House says it does expect criticism and protests at the President’s speeches, with one group, Political Patronage Association, saying they will be there, in full force, to urge the President to rehire former FEMA Director Michael Brown

In advance of the President’s arrival in the Gulf Region, both FEMA and DHS officials will be meeting with officials in the area, to counter the PPA’s support of Brown, to announce that it is no longer the department’s policy to use the drug crystal methamphetamine to aid evacuations, a policy Brown admitted to employing during the recovery efforts.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Emmy’s Last Night

News Item: Sometimes on Television, Dreams Really Do Come True

10. If Ellen Burstyn wins, you know the race is on for someone else to get nominated or win for 10-seconds of work

9. I already know who’s going to win tonight - Rich Armitage called me earlier today...

8. I though Bob Newhart was dead already

7. I heard that CBS is going to sign the Spellings, right here, tonight, for a new Survivor - The Spellings War ... Aaron would love it!

6. Thank God he quit and we don’t have to “love Raymond” this year

5. Watch when Julia Louis-Dreyfus goes up on stage ... That wasn’t her Elaine character, that’s the way she really dances

4. Conan is hosting? You mean Schwarzenegger is going to be here?

3. Look, over there ... Leary’s saved a bunch of seats for his dead ghost buddies from Rescue Me

2. I heard Vice President Dick Cheney say today that winning an Emmy “emboldens Al Qaeda-types

1. We’re gonna be trapped in here for about three-hours ... I hope they give us a few JonBenet Ramsey updates

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 27 August 2006

Nobel Prize-winning author Guenther Grass has been hit with new controversial charges, as HDNet Anchor and Reporter Dan Rather says he has "authentic papers" showing that, when serving in the Texas Army National Guard, Grass received preferential treatment, rarely reported for duty and left the program, yet received high marks and an honorable discharge

Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R-CT)
is eagerly awaiting a ruling due this week, from the Federal Election Commission, on whether he is a candidate for reelection, or a "dwarf candidate" that would not be eligible to stay in the big campaign

Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward
disclosed today to his editors, for the first time, that he knew of Hurricane Katrina in advance, but choose not to write about it, or tell anyone, for fear of actually having to go down to flooded New Orleans on assignment

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld delivered more bad news, telling the Russian American Colony Singers from Anchorage, Alaska that they would have to serve a tour of duty in Iraq. The group was stunned, believing they were meeting Rumsfeld as part of the festivities for a memorial of the Alaska-Siberia Lend Lease program

The Bush Administration is defending its budget cuts to fight the Avian Bird Flu Pandemic, citing a controversial program in Europe, which claims to have trained birds to wash themselves in public drinking fountains

Iraqi cleric Moqtada Al Sadr blasted the CBS network with charges of prejudice and profiling, for not including any Arab-American teams in their latest incarnation of 'Survivor', which will pit other races against each other

We Don’t Have To Show You No Court Order ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll August 20 - August 26 2006

Court Order? ... We Ain’t Got No Court Order? ... We Don’t Need No Court Order! ... We Don’t Have To Show You No Court Order! ...

Whether it’s Alphonso Bedoya, or Attorney General Albert Gonzales, Vice President Dick Cheney, or President Bush, our Garlic Poll Voters believe it will be business-as-usual, despite a Federal Court declaring the Administration’s “Terrorist Surveillance Program ” illegal and unconstitutional - and it was with an overwhelming margin of votes

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll August 20 - August 26 2006

With the Federal Court in Michigan slapping down President Bush’s illegal wiretapping last week, the White House is likely to...

1. Continue wiretapping, as usual, without Congressional or FISA Court oversight ... Tally - 51%

2. Start bombing Iran, to push this off the front pages, and push the President approval rating up (into the high-30’s, at least) ... Tally - 18%

3. Outsource the wiretapping to the British, who conduct it within the law, and, seemingly, they actually catch terrorists with it ... Tally - 16%

4. Rally the base, blaming the Ned Lamont victory, into a frenzy with another round of Justice Sundays, decrying the Democrats and liberal courts who want to give in to the terrorist ... Tally - 14%

This week’s Poll - With the first-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina this week, the most outrageous act the White House is likely to undertake is ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Memo To President - When a hurricane appears in the Gulf of Mexico, and it's nearly half the size of the Gulf of Mexico, you need to cancel your vacation and get your ass back to Washington to mobilize the massive aid that's going to be needed