Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Breaking News! New White House Bombshell - President Loses Vacation Ranch

New Bush Concession On Iraq - al Maliki To Take Crawford Ranch For August Vacation

Tense Talks Prior To Joint-Session Speech; Rice Reprimanded By White House For Surprise Visit

Sources tell The Garlic that, after fighting off a Democratic boycott of Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki addressing a joint session of Congress, President Bush engaged in a tough, tense and heated conversation with the democratically-elected Prime Minister and, in exchange for al-Maliki not continuing his public support for Hezbollah in his speech to Congress, President Bush was forced to turn over his Crawford Ranch to al-Maliki, for the Iraq Prime Minister to take a much-needed August vacation.

In a press conference yesterday, following a day of meetings between Bush and Maliki, the President announced that 8,000 troops would be moved into Baghdad, to assist quelling the ever-increasing violence in what clearly is a setback for the White House in their assessments of how the war in Iraq was tilting.

I don’t know if I would use that term “turn-over”, but there was some very frank discussions,” offered White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, confirming that al-Maliki will be in Crawford for August.

“President Bush made it clear,” continued Snow, “that the Prime Minister will be responsible for taking care of the place, feeding and grooming the animals and, of course, clearing the brush that the President is so fond of doing himself.”

Rumsfeld Vacation Home, and Cheney’s Spread Offered To President

Snow would not comment on where President Bush will vacation, as he has traditionally done since taking office, in August

The buzz in Washington, according to Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century, is that the White House attempted to give al-Maliki Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s vacation home on Maryland's Eastern Shore, but was shot down by the Iraq security people.

“They felt there was a breach of security,” said Martins, “after all that hullabaloo last month about The New York Times printing the photo of it ... Maliki’s people didn’t want to see him dragged through the blogs over it ...

A senior administration source told The Garlic that Vice President Dick Cheney offered the President to take him back to his spread in Wyoming, however, with Cheney’s penchant for late-afternoon hunting, the President’s security detail vetoed the offer.

Maliki Speech “Classic New Strategy For Victory stuff”; Shows WHIG and WHIIG Back In Business

Tension in the White House was high early this morning, as the President was seeking to have his guest move away from his statements of last week, denouncing Israel and their bombing of Lebanon, a sharp contrast to the President’s comments.

Democrats were incensed that the White House, in light of al-Maliki’s comments, would push to have him address a joint session of Congress

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi of California said unless Maliki "disavows his critical comments of Israel and condemns terrorism, it is inappropriate to honor him with a joint meeting of Congress.

In his speech to a joint session of Congress, Maliki said "The fate of our country and yours is tied," Maliki warned members of Congress. "Should democracy be allowed to fail in Iraq and terror permitted to triumph, then the war on terror will never be won elsewhere . . .”

The overall speech, tied to fighting terrorism, coupled with a post-speech trip with President Bush to Fort Belvoir, an Army base in Northern Virginia, for another speech to a group of military personnel and their families, Maliki appeared to reviving Bushapalooza

“This was classic New Strategy For Victory stuff,” said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', “It would appear that WHIG and WHIIG are back in business and humming along.”

Rice Reprimanded By White House; Only President Allowed To Conduct Surprise Visits

Along with dealing with Maliki, and the Democrats threatened boycott, the President, according to Martins, “chewed out” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, for her “surprise” visit to Beirut earlier this week

“The President, and Josh Bolten, made it very clear to Condi,” said Martins, “that only the President makes surprise visits. Nobody else. I mean, even Cheney and Rumsfeld have to clear it with Bolten if there’s even a hint of surprise in any of their scheduled appointments.”

Martins feels that the President’s reprimand of Rice could be viewed as a sign to the Neocons, people such as Richard Pearle, Newt Gingrich, as well as current and former members of the Pentagon and National Security Council, that the President is listening to their calls to dump Rice, believing that she is “just incompetent on most foreign policy issues."

“She’s held the dike on the cease-fire thing, but that’s coming from the White House, it’s not Condi’s strategy.”

President, Ceremonially, Adds Signing Statement To Maliki Speech

There was one, brief moment of levity for President Bush and Prime Minister Maliki.

After Maliki’s speech to Congress, as they were driving to Fort Belvoir, President Bush added a Signing Statement to the speech, something specially prepared by Vice President Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, David Addington.

The White House would not comment on what the Signing Statement addressed, however Snow indicated the Maliki was “both moved and encouraged by it.”

“Actually,” added Snow, “I don’t know if I would use the words “moved and encouraged”, I mean, those weren’t the President’s words, but you get the idea of it ...”

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley reacts to a question about President Bush conceding his Crawford Ranch to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki for the month of August, in exchange for Maliki not endorsing or praising Hezbollah in his speech today to the joint session of Congress

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