Thursday, July 13, 2006

This Just In! Bush Faux Pas Caused By Bad Intel, Plame Lawsuit

Bush Stuns Germany’s Merkel With Hearty Belly Kiss

White House Cites – Again – Faulty Intelligence; Blames Former CIA Chief Tenet

The White House, this evening, is in full crises-mode, not over the exploding violence in the Middle East, but over a diplomatic faux pas, after President Bush gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel, an unexpected, hearty belly kiss.

The President, who arrived in Germany last evening, was making a one-day stop, before a weekend of talks the leaders of the G8 in St. Petersburg, Russia, to meet with Merkel, shoring up his delicate coalition against a backdrop of escalating violence in Iraq, tense negotiations with North Korea, and an exploding war between Israel and the militant Lebanese group, Hezbollah

After Merkel, Bush Then Belly Kisses German, U.S. Delegation, and Secret Service Agents

Merkel looked stunned, according to sources, shortly after the President and First Lady arrived at Trinwillershagen, the summer home of the Merkel, for an evening barbeque

Bush, upon arriving, good-naturedly took over the conductors’ wand of the band that greeted him and then walked over to Merkel, who had her arm extended, as if to shake hands.

Witnesses who spoke to The Garlic said that Bush ignored the handshake offer, and quickly pulled up Merkel’s blouse, giving her a hearty, lip-smacking Belly Kiss, leaving German leader “stunned” and sucking the air out of the other guests at the barbeque.

“It was like the final scene of “The Wild Bunch”, offered veteran independent foreign correspondent, Huntley Haverstock Jr.

“When Pike Bishop shoots the Mexican General and everybody in the villa freezes ... Everyone at the barbeque just stopped breathing, with bugged-out eyes and some with open mouths, like the couldn’t believe what they had just seen.”

Haverstock said that it appeared President Bush didn’t understand what was going on around him and First Lady Laura Bush moved over to him quickly, and whispered something in the President’s ear.

What happened next bordered on the sublime, said Haverstock.

“It was apparent that Mrs. Bush told her husband of the faux pas and the President attempted to recover as quickly as he could.”

President Bush, said Haverstock, proceeded to Belly Kiss other members of the German delegation, including Merkel’s husband, as well as First Lady Laura Bush, and members of his own entourage, including the Secret Service agents traveling with the President.

An awkward and uneasy air hung over the barbeque, as the President moved about and other guests mingled, and keeping an eye as to where President Bush was located at all times.

Cheney Asks In Note On Newspaper – “Is This The New Handshake In Europe and Russia

Later, the White House attempted to explain the President’s sudden outburst of Belly Kissing.

Special Counselor and Director of Strategic Communications Dan Bartlett told reporters that President Bush had received some “bad intelligence.”

After the incident last week, with Russian President Vladimir Putin pulling up the T-shirt of a five-year-old boy outside the Kremlin and shocking the crowd by planting a Belly Kiss on the boy

"He seemed very independent and serious... I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice," said Putin

Before the trip to Germany, and the G8, according to Bartlett, the White House Travel Office looked into Putin’s Belly Kiss, after being directed by Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney sent over an article cut of the newspaper on the Putin belly kiss, and, writing in the margins, asked “Is this something we should be doing?” and “Is this the new handshake in Europe and Russia?”

White House Mum On Second Medal of Freedom Award For Tenet Advice on Belly Kiss

“We attempted to vet this,” said Bartlett.

By happenstance, Bartlett said, he received a telephone call from former CIA Director George Tenet, on unrelated business. During the course of the conversation, Bartlett queried Tenet about the Belly Kissing.

“He told me it was solid ... A slam dunk.”

Bartlett then advised the Travel Staff and the Belly Kiss was added to the President’s agenda.

Bartlett would neither confirm nor deny if Tenet’s advice would put him in line to receive a second ‘Medal of Freedom’ award

Putin: Cheney Inept At “Note-Writing and Social Graces”

When reached for comment, Putin, who will be the host of the G8 meeting this weekend, was amused.

“Not only is Vice President Cheney an unsuccessful hunter, he seemingly is equally inept at note-writing and social graces.”

Putin was following up on his response to Cheney’s recent criticism, of Moscow moving away from democracy, telling NBC's "Today" show yesterday, saying of Cheney, "These kinds of comments from your vice president amount to the same thing as an unsuccessful hunting shot."

There were no comments from the Vice President’s office early this evening, however, sources close to the White House say that Cheney aide David Addington was preparing a Signing Statement for President Bush to condemn Putin and his remarks

The President is more “John Wayne” then “John Doe.”

When pressed of more information, Bartlett admitted that President Bush “may have been rattled” as he arrived at the barbeque, having just received the news of Valerie Plame filing suit against Cheney, Karl Rove and Lewis ‘”Scooter” Libby, and 10 additional “John Doe’s”, for violating her rights in exposing her identity of being a covert CIA agent

“We really can’t comment on a on-going investigation or court case,” said Bartlett. “We just heard about it and haven’t seen the filing and really can’t comment on anything.”

Bartlett was asked if President Bush is one of the “John Doe’s” listed in Plame’s lawsuit.

“I really can’t say,” said Bartlett. “But I doubt it ... The President is more “John Wayne” then “John Doe.”

In this photo, taken minutes after the Belly Kissing outburst by President Bush, in which he stunned German Chancellor Angela Merkel, both the President and Merkel lingered in an awkward moment, before First Lady Laura Bush interceded and had the President Belly Kiss the rest of the German delegation, his own entourage and the Secret Service agents on duty

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Why Homeland Security Can’t Fill Cyber Security Post

News Item: Top Cyber Security Post Still Unfilled After a Year

10. Nobody wants job – Fear they will be subpoenaed by Scooter Libby’s lawyers

9. Still pouring through MySpace.Com to get some really good candidates

8. Waiting for Microsoft to release new Vista platform before making any moves

7. Haven’t figured out yet, that if something goes wrong, or there’s a disaster, how we can blame Louisiana officials for it

6. The only people applying for the job come from Dubai companies and we already went through that dance with the Ports Deal

5. It’s on hold, until after the August Connecticut Primary – Joe Lieberman indicated that if he loses, he’s going to put in papers for it

4. Job not sexy enough – Everyone wants to work over in Vice President Cheney’s office, where all the power is

3. If that consultant that broke into the FBI files beats the charges, we’d be happy to talk with him for this post

2. Last two candidates look real good, interviewed well, but then Chertoff goes off and plants a belly kiss on them

1. We just hired Senator Ted Stevens to consult and help us sort through all this Internet stuff

Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT?) has reportedly told the Department of Homeland Security, that if he loses his Primary Race next month, to Ned Lamont, he’ll likely file papers to take over the top Cyber Security Post

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things White House Will Do To Avoid Adopting Geneva Convention Codes For Detainees

News Item: It's Bush's Way or the Highway on Guantanamo Bay

10. Yeah, right ... Like we’re really going to change the way we’re doing things ...

9. Congressional Hearings? Sure, but we wont participate or give you any documents

8. Let’s say we agree to apply minimum standards, but, we get to say what “minimum” is

7. Forget about the detainees, President looking to put a hurtin’ on whoever leaked out the White House Salaries

6. We can stay hard-line as long as we want – Even John Dean says that whatever we do, our base of conservatives will follow us

5. President Bush too busy trying to figure out who is Robert Novak’s primary source in the Plame Leak

4. The day our embassy in Baghdad can come up with an as upbeat assessment as the President has, we might think about it

3. Promise to not use dogs anymore but we would like to use Zidane, you know, just to give them a little nudge in the chest

2. Concentrating in saving exclusive Army contract for Halliburton

1. Won’t get to it until after Mid-Term elections – Preoccupied with going over list of cities with subways that we can blaringly announce that we’ve broken-up new terrorist plots against them

Once recent compromise offered by the Bush Administration, as to those being held at Guantanamo, was to issue the terrorist detainees Blackberry devices, so they could better track and schedule their mistreatment and abuse

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Breaking News! Zidane Signals New Era of “Hooligan Diplomacy”

Have Head-Butt, Will Travel - Mr. Zizou Goes To Washington

World Cup Golden Ball Winner Wooed By Bush Team; Likely Will Be Assigned To Bolton at U.N.

There are more signs of Chief of Staff Josh Bolten shaking up and revamping the Bush White House, as a press conference has been announced for later today to announce that World Cup star and legendary French soccer captain Zinedine Zidane will be joining the Bush Administration.

Zidane, winner of the World Cup’s Golden Ball, which is awarded to the best player in the tournament, announced his retirement from soccer just yesterday.

Zidane’s French team lost to Italy in the World Cup Finals, 1-1 but went down in Penalty Kicks, 5-3 and was marred by a glaring and vicious foul by Zidane, when, in the second overtime period, Zidane head-butted Italian defender Marco Materazzi directly in the chest, sending the Italian to ground. Zidane was Red Carded and ejected from the match

Numerous unconfirmed press reports indicate that Materazzi had called Zidane, whose parents are Algerian immigrants, a “terrorist.”

Zidane Signals New Era of “Hooligan Diplomacy”

Inside sources tell The Garlic that Zizou, as he is affectionately known by his legions of fans, will report to the State Department.

“This is a real coup for Bush,” offered Dix Whitcomb, editor of the newsletter "Our Laws Are Different"

“If they are retiring their “Cowboy Diplomacy ”, then bringing in Zidane looks to be a signal of, I don’t know, perhaps “Hooligan Diplomacy”.

The White House has been quietly searching for a new name for its diplomacy.

Bolton: “Red Card? I’ll be giving him Red Bull”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that she was “thrilled” to have Zidane coming aboard.

“He’s got a good head on his shoulders,” said Rice. ‘I believe he’ll be a valuable member of our team. Having a person with the stature of Zizou should help us cut down our tactical errors

Zidane, according to sources, is likely to be assigned to the United Nations, and reporting to U.S. Ambassador to the U.N, John Bolton

Bolton, when reached for comment said he was “ecstatic” that Zidane would be working with him.

“Give him a Red Card? I’ll be giving him Red Bull, to help me keep the North Koreans and Iranians in line”

The Italian Ambassador to the U.N., Marcello Spatafora, indicated he may file for a resolution, banning head-butting during conferences and in general sessions.

President Bush jokingly commented that “I was surprised that we could find someone that could work with John [Bolton}. They should get along fabulously.”

Lieberman Hails Zidane Choice; Says Looks Forward To Working With Soccer Star

In a related matter, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT?) welcomed the news of Zidane coming to Washington and indicated that the two, could conceivably, be working together in the near future.

Lieberman indicated that he may file papers and campaign for the job of United Nations Secretary General.

“I’m leaving all of my options open,” said the embattled Senator, as he wages a tough race against Democratic challenger Ned Lamont, for next month’s primary election. “I’ll land myself somewhere, you can bet on that.”

U.N Ambassador John Bolton said no Red Card for Zizou, only Red Bull, to help him keep North Korea and Iran in line

Monday, July 10, 2006

Developing Story – Santorum Channeling Dead Pols

Santorum: “I See Dead Politicians!”

Aides Talk Of “Wild Ranting”; Fear Strain Of Up-Hill Campaign Taking Toll On Embattled Senator

“It gets kind of scary, at times,” offered one senior aide on Senator Rick Santorum’s campaign staff.

The senior aide talked of ‘wild ranting” at times, with the embattled Senator “carrying on conversations” with dead politicians “like, in real time ... as if they were standing next to him.”

Many, in Santorum’s camp and the Republican National Committee, believe the strain of running 18-points behind his Democratic challenger, Bob Casey, is taking its toll in the Senators' effort to be re-elected to the Senate

“He’s in the fight of his life,” said Ed Hutcheson, publisher and editor of "K Street Kings - K as in Thousands", the monthly publication that tracks lobbyists.

“But I’m not sure it’s all to do with that ... Rick’s been pretty far out there on a lot of issues.”

Most recently, as reported by The Garlic yesterday, Santorum is calling for the drafting of the famous canine, Lassie, into the military service, to aid in the hunt for Sadam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction

Obsessed With The Late Governor Casey

One of Santorum’s “obsessions’ is with Casey – not his opponent, but his opponent’s father, the late former Governor of Pennsylvania, Robert P. Casey, who died six years ago.

“The Senator,” offered another campaign staffer, “sometimes gets confused, and believes he’s running against the dead Casey.”

In his more lucid moments, according to insiders, Santorum believes the Democrats drafted the younger Casey to “confuse me and the voters.”

“He kind of flip-flops, goes in-and-out of it,” said another campaign staffer.

“One minute he’s focused and discussing current strategy and then, all of a sudden, he’s off talking to the former Governor.”

Channeling Dead Pols

It hasn’t been limited to the late Governor Casey that finds Santorum in one of his trance-like episodes.

According to the staffers interviewed, Santorum has channeled a “Who’s-Who” of former GOP politicians, including the late former President Richard Nixon, and his Vice President, the late Spiro Agnew. Santorum has been heard having conversations with the late conservative icon, the former Senator Barry Goldwater

“For the past few days,: said a RNC operative, “he’s been calling up the Everett Dirksen , the late Senator from Illinois ... Something about going into the past to see the future.”

Santorum’s Sixth Sense?

It’s not lost on anyone close to the Santorum campaign, the similarities to Santorum’s behavior and the blockbuster movie, M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Sixth Sense

“With Rick being a Senator from Pennsylvania and the movie being set in Philadelphia,” said a campaign staffer. “At first we thought it was funny ... Now, it’s getting a little spooky.”

When reached for comment, Shyamalan, preparing for the release of his newest movie, “Lady In The Water” was amused, but denied that he has hired Santorum for publicity.

“No, I haven’t been working with the Senator,” said Shyamalan. “If anything, I would think he would identify with “Unbreakable”. It would probably be a great internal battle. I could see the Senator wanting to be the hero, like David Dunn ... But he also has the capacity for great evil, like Mr. Glass.”

Whether Santorum is wrapped up in the movie, or if it is the stress of the race to save his seat, it is beginning to wear out his staff and supporters.

Said a campaign staffer, “I mean what do you do, when you have a meeting and you go to sit down, and the Senator tells you no, that the chair is for Spiro Agnew ... What do you say to that?"

More On Rick Santorum’s Strange Behavior

Top Ten Cloves: What Rick Santorum Meant To Say About Not Meeting With Lobbyists

Accuweather, NWS, NHS Woo Franklin Graham For Hurricane Forecasting

Santorum Backs Vatican On Hunt For Gay Priests

Santorum Adds Red Sox Win To List On Priest Abuse

Santorum To Back Frist On End-Of-Days Compromise

A growing number of campaign staffers, and the officials in the RNC, believe that Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) may not have all his rotary blades whirring, as he increasing channels dead politicians

Top Ten Cloves: Ways White House Will Go About Naming President Bush’s New Diplomacy

News Item: The End of Cowboy Diplomacy

10. Forget about getting Stephen Hawking for a name ... He’s tied up on that human race question

9. We could ask “A penny for your thoughts” except it wouldn’t have any value and actually cost us money for asking for it

8. Maybe bring in those CIA guys for their input ... You know, the ones without jobs because we closed down the Osama bin Laden office

7. President is waiting for the Higher Father to get back to him on it

6. Hold off to see what the PNAC calls it

5. Karl Rove is working on names that will define the President’s agenda and slam and smear the Democrats at the same time

4. Probably will have to wait until after we invade Iran and North Korea and see what the International media calls it

3. Did we get the test results from the viral videos we posted on YouTube yet?

2. See if they can hire away the person that writes those snazzy Fox News slogans and headers

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 9 July 2006

A major rift has developed between Warren Buffett and Bill and Melinda Gates, after the Gates read the fine print of the mammoth donation Buffet made, leaving the bulk of his money to the Gates Foundation The donation, as it turns out, is not money, but in Dairy Queen products

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling
denied reports that Potter will be killed in the final book of the series and emphatically put to rest rumors that Potter will be killed by U.S. Marines, on routine patrol in Iraq

In a desperate measure to gain momentum against his Democratic rival Bob Casey, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) proposed this week to conscript Lassie to military service and tell the famous canine that "Timmy is stuck in the warehouse with the WMD's in Iraq", as a means to find the weapons that justified the U.S. invasion and occupation Santorum insists are still to be discovered

Following the latest news of a terrorist plot to bomb New York City trains and tunnels, Mayor Michael Bloomberg immediately offered to go around the city and "test the food", to be sure it wasn't contaminated

with a strong penchant for designing and building their own equipment, announced plans to build a "new stock market" from scratch.

Google indicated only Google stock will be listed and it will constantly be at an all-time high

Author Doris Kearns Goodwin
said that, in her research for 'Team of Rivals - The Political Genuis of Abraham Lincoln" she discovered a team of Lincoln stunt doubles, however, ironically, on the evening of April 14, 1865, they all had the night off

In his will, convicted former Enron Chairman Ken Lay left the remains of his estate to his family, and the second set of Enron books to convicted colleague Jeff Skilling, which the will notes that "Jeff knows what to do with them"

Poll Results ... The Ball's In Robert's Court ... The Garlic Poll July 2 - July 8 ... New Poll - End of Cowboy Diplomacy

Well, the ball’s in John Robert’s court, after our Garlic Poll of last week, that asked “For the July 4th Holiday, celebrating the birth of our country, President Bush should ..

The Results

For the July 4th Holiday, celebrating the birth of our country, President Bush should ....

1. Call Chief Justice Roberts to the White House, for an emergency meeting on Terrorist Ruling and ask him ‘What the hell are you guys doing over there?” 33%

2. Continue diverting attention of his failed policies with lambasting The New York Times 30%

3. Restate his belated commitment to the Constitution and Bill of Rights 24%

4. Call up world leaders, not about strategy, but to gauge their interest in having a tour of Graceland 12%

This week’s Poll - With President Bush seemingly ending his Cowboy Diplomacy, this signals that ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Is our Cowboy-In-Chief hanging up the Tony Lama's in favor of brown Wing-Tips?