Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Breaking News! Another Bombshell - Craig To Enter Rehab; Cites Suffering From 'Restroom Leg Syndrome'

Beleaguered Republican Idaho Senator, Larry Craig
, issued a statement this morning, following up on his "I am not gay" admission yesterday, indicating he will begin rehab treatment for "Restroom Leg Syndrome".

Craig did not divulge the rehab facility he will enter, nor state how long he has been inflicted with Restroom Leg Syndrome.

Nor was anything mentioned to the political future of Senator Craig, and how his treatment for Restroom Leg Syndrome would affect his ability to continue serving in office.

A spokesperson for Craig's Senate office needed to clarify, and confirm, for reporters that the Senator was not speaking on the more popular "Restless Leg Syndrome".

Restless legs syndrome (RLS, or Wittmaack-Ekbom's syndrome) "is a condition that is characterized by an irresistible urge to move one's legs. It is poorly understood [citation needed], often misdiagnosed, and believed to be a neurological disorder."

The Craig spokesperson hinted that the intense media attention over Senator Craig could be the cause, or trigger, of his RRLS.

In his statement, Craig stated that RRLS has "inflicted and burdened me, off-and-on, for years."

Neither Craig, nor his office, would respond to follow-up questions on how his "Restroom Leg Syndrome" differed, or was distinct from, "Restless Leg Syndrome".

Nor would anyone associated with Senator Craig respond to speculation that his "Restroom Leg Syndrome" came out of a conference call with the Republican Leadership, after they announced they were referring Craig's Minneapolis public restroom arrest to the Senate Ethics Committee.

There were reports circulating around Capitol Hill that former Tennessee Senator, Dr. Bill Frist, contacted Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, after viewing videotape of Craig's "I'm not gay" press conference, with the diagnosis.

"Frist was very certain," a source close to the Senate told The Garlic, "that is was very clear from the videotape Craig suffered from Restroom Leg Syndrome."

According to the source, Frist indicated that Craig "certainly seems to respond to the visual stimuli that characterizes Restroom Leg Syndrome."

Frist is said to have told the Republican Leadership that "having a wide stance" is also one of the symptoms associated with Restroom Leg Syndrome, but would need to see additional videotape to confirm that diagnosis.

The Garlic, in a search prior to posting this report, has yet to find a rehab facility that specializes in Restroom Leg Syndrome, and neither Craig's office, or the Senate Republican Leadership responded to inquires to identify such a rehab facility.

"I thought I had it under control," continued Craig, in his statement. "It's a bad disease ... A naughty disease ... It's a bad, nasty, naughty disease."

In a related matter, fellow Republican and Craig colleague, Senator David Vitters (R-LA), is expected to hold a news conference later today, to announce a change in his story, that he was too embarrassed to admit that he suffers from "Escort Service Leg Syndrome".

Bonus Restroom Leg Syndrome Links

Barry Crimmins: Today's Monolithic Headlines

The Sleuth - Mary Ann Akers: Senator Sang for Charity a Day After Arrest

It was announced today that Senator Larry Craig will enter rehab, for treatment on his "Restroom Leg Syndrome"

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

This Is Just Too, Too Rich ...

And we thought "Wide Stance" was priceless ...

I almost fell on the floor, laughing so hard, when I first saw this earlier today ...

With all that has gone down on this story in the last 24-hours ... The explosion of news and reports (we'll have some bonus links below) ... The Nixonian "I am not gay" from Senator Larry "Restroom Leg Syndrome" Craig ...

You gotta watch this video blurb ... It is hysterical, in context

(In the event you have problems viewing, here's the link to it)

Bonus Restroom Leg Syndrome Links

Glenn Greenwald: Larry Craig's bathroom behavior and the right wing -- then and now

Michael J.W. Stickings: "Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been."

The Smoking Gun: U.S. Senator Gets Flushed

The Raw Story: Craig once helped boot GOP senator for sexual harassment

Editor and Publisher: How Did News Outlets Miss Senator's Arrest for Nearly Three Months?

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Admitting You Have A Wide Stance

News Item: Craig Arrested, Pleads Guilty Following Incident in Airport Restroom

10. Nothing like an airport's public restroom that makes you want to stretch out and widen your stance

9. When visiting Minneapolis, the "Twin Cities", you like to widen your stance just a little bit more

8. Bouts of irritation when breaking in a new pair of leather pants

7. Causes you to, uncontrollably, tap your foot in the public restroom stall next to you

6. Teasing from your colleagues, how they are going to have to renovate the Senate aisles to accommodate your wide stance

5. Difficulty fitting into average American public restroom stall

4. Once admitting you have a wide stance, confuses your constituents when an issue comes up and you say you're taking a stance on it

3. The need of a really snappy line, when you whip out your business card ... Something like “What do you think about that?”

2. Gives you self-doubts, like, instead of a wide stance, maybe you'd be better off just going with a massage and some crystal meth

1. Makes it easier to spot pieces of paper on a public restroom floor

Bonus Larry Craig Links

Idaho Statesman: Men's room arrest reopens questions about Sen. Larry Craig

Barry Crimmins: Wide footprints to fill

Monday, August 27, 2007

"He aggressively and successfully pursued public corruption ..."

Darn it!

I was all set to write an analogy of the Crony General's resignation using a baseball motif.

"Tell them I'm through, "for love of the game"
Billy Chapel, from the movie "For The Love of the Game"

I intended to point out how, as he fleeced the city of Arlington, Texas, for a new baseball stadium, The Uniter Guy, in his oil man/baseball owner days, should have spent more time learning the game.

Not that the Crony General wasn't pitching a perfect game ... Perfectly abysmal, that is.

The Commander Guy might have picked up that you don't leave your starting pitcher in there, when he's being hit like it's batting practice.

But, then I went and read "President Bush Discusses Resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales" (h/t Barry Crimmins) and one line jumped out;

"He aggressively and successfully pursued public corruption ..."

Boy, did he ... With flying colors!

Take your pick ... His bedpan voyeurism of badgering the sick, doped-up Kaiser Ashcroft ... Torture ... Wiretapping ... The firing of the U.S. Attorneys ... Painting the walls of the Injustice Department RNC Red and personally altering - like Nathan Detroit and a racetrack tote board - the work-placement averages of the Pat Robertson Law School...

And there was the other angle, of the Bush Grindhouse continuing to stagger like a freshman nerd taking his first swigs out of the brown-bottled GIQ.

Firing, excuse me, "reluctantly accepted his resignation", the Crony General on the Monday before the Labor Day weekend?

Anybody left in the Grindhouse that knows how to read a calendar?

A Friday Dump on this one, man, the havoc that would have caused ... MSNBC probably wouldn't have it until Tuesday, not wanting to muck with their mega-holiday-Doc-Blocs

So, why would they pull the plug on the Crony General on a Monday?

As we did when the Blossom Turd pulled his smear-laden tent up and left town, what needed to be buried this week ...
It wasn't just happenstance that the Crony General suddenly "recalled" he best get his ass out of the frying pan (but with Congress insisting he keep in under the heat lamp) ...

Two things will dominate the news this week;

The Crony General, from the scandals, to the swappin' spit-brotherly love stories of him and The Decider Guy

And, who will replace the Crony General ... Who will be Crony General No. 2?

While it is fanciful to talk about "putting standards" on the nominee, and how the next Crony General will have to "uphold the rule-of- law first", let's get real.

With the list of potentially-indictable crimes hanging over their heads, the next one will be lamer that Gonzales.

I just have a gut feeling about it.

"Mr. Chertoff... They're cuing you ... "

Bonus Crony General Links

Andrew Cohen: Good Riddance

Bush Loyalist Helped Shape Signature Anti-Terror Policies

Top Ten Cloves: How It Would Be Different If Alberto Gonzales Was The Head of March Madness

Alberto Gonzales Sings 'Justice For Sale'

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Defending Martin Lewis ... It's Satire, Stupid!

Quite the red-tinged firestorm going on out in the right-side blogosphere, over a post by humorist, commentator, producer, radio host, and, self-described "The World’s LEAST-Reserved Englishman", Martin Lewis.

Lewis's post, over on Huffington Post - "General Pace, You Can Save the US - by Arresting Bush for "Conduct Unbecoming" - has been garnering such bon mots as "HuffPo Calls For Military Coup In USA", "Your Saturday Dose Of Dumbass…", "BE WARNED, STUPIDITY CAN BE A CONTAGIOUS CONDITION!", "Huffington Post Publishes Call for American Coup", and the like (you can visit Memorandum for the links; If they are no longer posted, as Memorandum refreshes constantly, you can use the Search Archives and plug in August 26, 2007, 7:50 AM to pull them up).

First things first, Lewis states in the post, and assuming you have good vision, and can read, have the proper attention span, etc, that he is not advocating for a coup, or anything like it;

"To be crystal clear - I am NOT advocating or inciting you to undertake any illegal act, insurrection, mutiny, putsch or military coup. You are an honorable patriotic man.

I am NOT advocating or inciting you to interfere with any of the civilian duties of the President. That would not be a legal action by you."

It's right there. It's not hidden, and, as you can plainly see, it not cryptic, or otherwise written in some kind of code.

And Martin reiterates that, repeatedly, in the Comment Section

The practicality of removing The Commander Guy as the Commander-In-Chief, I will leave up to military legal experts, and the Congress. There certainly are issues to be dealt with, succession, et all (after all, we can't remove The Decider, only to elevate Darth Vader to the Oval Office - the expense of converting his Secret Bunker, from a Vice President's, to a President's would be a nightmare on the budget)

Here's what I think ...

Too many readers took the piece as a serious suggestion ... I read it, between tears of laughter, as brilliant, deftly-written satire.

Perhaps, Lewis is speaking to the deadweight, table-less Congress, for not taking up the well-justified, and Constitutionally-mandated, issue of Impeachment ... Or, he's slapping at General Pace, for his comments going out the door, and his years of being a cheerleader for the Bush-Cheney Invasion-and-Occupation of Iraq policy ...

Or, as happens with some frequency, an idea for a post pops into your head, and practically writes itself ... You take a seemingly normal news story or situation, and write it straight, logical, but with an absurd twist that hugs tightly to that line of "is it real or is it fake".

And let me state, for the record, I am not speaking for Martin Lewis. I have never spoken to Martin Lewis. Martin Lewis did not ask, or suggest, to me (or anyone else that I can see) to defend him - he's more-than-capable of doing that himself. Martin Lewis (or Huffington Post) is not paying me, or providing any compensation whatsoever, to defend the post. I am not a defender of Martin Lewis, nor do I play one on TV.

The Garlic, has, from time-to-time, tagged (linked) posts that Lewis has written, including a hysterical Bush Meets Monty Python! back in January.

And The Garlic did comment on Martin's HuffPo Pace piece, offering Mr. Lewis that The Garlic had its' own suggestion for another avenue towards this same goal;

Garlictorial: Happy 4th of July ... Okay, It May Be Down To This .... Citizen's Arrest!

Whether it is General Peter Pace, or some average citizen (and, heaven-forbid, if Congress actually does something), please, someone, take that first, big, bold step ... As Lewis writes, and The Garlic certainly endorses, "please save the US".

Update/Bonus Link - Martin Lewis Responds!

"Let's Twist Again": Right-wing Bloggers Smear HuffPost

The Official Site of the U.S. Constitution

More Sad News ... The Passing of Lloyd The Dog

Just two weeks ago, The Garlic asked its' reader to put out some good vibes and give a Shoutout For Lloyd!, the sick, beloved pet dog of our friend, Barry Crimmins, and his girlfriend Karen.

Barry had given over his website for much of this time to write about Lloyd, his recollections, his pride, and most of all, his hope, that Lloyd would beat the odds to recover fully.

Instead of having, possibly, months, it came down to only weeks.

Yesterday (Saturday) morning, Lloyd the Dog passed away.

Visit and read Lloyd the Dog 8/23/98 - 8/25/07, and while your there, peruse through some of Barry's other posts on Lloyd.

With the past few weeks' news being saturated by a certain, now former, NFL player, documenting his abuse of dogs, Barry's posts are the opposite, the antithesis, of this person, and it should be refreshing for you to bask along with Barry and Karen, in the great love and joy they showered Lloyd the Dog with on a daily basis.