Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Developing Story - Polar Bears Added To Iraq Options

Bush Administration Wavering On Polar Bears; Considering Employing In Iraq, War Against Terror

Rove Claims He Also Has “The Science”, Says Bears “Will Do Fine In Desert Heat”

After initially deciding to place the polar bear as an Endangered Species, the Bush Administration has halted the formal filing of the paperwork, with a weary President Bush adding to his deliberations while in Crawford, Texas, possibly deploying polar bears in Iraq and with the War Against Terror.

Sources tell The Garlic that the plan to use polar bears in Iraq will be discussed tomorrow, when the President conducts a National Security Council meeting with Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley and Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Deputy White House press secretary Scott Stanzel would not confirm or deny the use of polar bears, stating that “all options are on the table.”

Stanzel also dismissed rumors that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, now that his death sentence has been upheld, as asked to be executed by polar bear and would not comment on reports that polar bears may be part of the 3,500 troops the Pentagon is planning on sending to Kuwait as a standby force.

Polar Bears? That Would Really Take The Cake, Says Biden

Critics charge that the discussion about polar bears is another way the President is avoiding and delaying serious debate about the U.S. role in Iraq and, at the same time, giving indications that he is likely to offer as “his way forward”, an escalation of the occupation of Iraq.

“Did he pull this one out of his Iraq Jar,” asked a not-amused Senator Joseph Biden, who announced he’s planning on fighting any troop build-up in Iraq.

“I mean, c’mon, is he serious about this? Polar bears? ... I mean, that would really take the cake if does something like this ...”

The move to place the polar bear under the Endangered Species Act comes after numerous studies have shown that the effects of Global Warming has been melting the Artic ice cap, and impacting the animals natural habitat and ability to feed itself. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service officials say, without any measures being taken the polar bear could become extinct within 45-years.

How polar bears could be deployed in Iraq is also questioned by experts, citing that the animals and their fat-layered 1,000+ pound bodies would not survive the heat of the desert and Middle East. There’s questions about their diet and the cost the military would face with having to bring the polar bears main staple of food - seals - into Iraq

“This is insane,” offered William DeMers, owner of the website and portal, that is a popular on-line meeting space for polar bear researchers, scientists and enthusiasts.

“These are cold climate wild animals,” huffed an angry DeMers. “You can’t just slap a flak jacket on them and throw them in the middle of the desert and expect them to perform like it was a matinee show at Sea World ... It doesn’t work that way!”

Rove Has “The Science” To Shoot Down Critics

Reports have circulated around the Crawford Ranch that President Bush made some off-hand comment about using polar bears, after seeing a Coca Cola television commercial. The iconic soft drink company has used the polar bear in advertising campaigns over the years.

Upon hearing this, Special White House Council Karl Rove announced that he had “The Science”, quickly dismissing critics of using the polar bear in Iraq. Rove also added that he still has “The Math”, which the special skill under served him for his calculations of a Republican victory in the recent Midterm elections.

Rove claims that he has studies that show jihadists’ insurgents with a near-death-inducing fear of polar bears.

While not offering where the study results came from, many believe they were from practical studies conducted in the Administration’s “robust interrogations” at Guantanamo and other secret CIA prisons. Reports also surfaced that in some of the Bush Administration’s Extraordinary Renditions, terror suspects were chained to cages containing polar bears down in the cargo hold of the planes, within inches of the huge animals reach.

“They will do fine in the desert heat,” boasted Rove.

Rove would neither confirm or deny that the use of polar bears were sections heavily redacted in the recent New York Times Op-Ed article, “What We Wanted to Tell You About Iran”.

Vice President Dick Cheney’s Iran Study Group also declined comment.

President Bush may end up in the rough if his way forward includes using polar bears in Iraq

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