Friday, May 12, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Ways AT&T Inc., Verizon Communications Inc. and BellSouth Corp. Will Justify Giving Phone Records To NSA

News Item: Data on Phone Calls Monitored

10. Government lawyers told them they were catching up on paperwork and that the numbers were just going to be added to the “Do Not Call” registry

9. Was working with the Bush Administration, as an elaborate ruse, to see who in NSA is leaking to NY Times and Washington Post

8. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he had it covered, with the Torture Memo policies he wrote

7. Got the NSA to agree not to monitor anyone during the dinner hour

6. You think gasoline prices are high, wait until you see our rates, once this program is over

5. Will claim Bush Administration gave them the “You’re Either With Us, or Against Us” speech

4. Verizon’s “Entire Network” Television Campaign takes on a whole new meaning

3. Just a new roll out of their “Friends, Family and Government” plan

2. President Bush personally told them he had it covered with a Signing Statement

1. We were duped! Should have picked up on the letterhead – “By Order of the FISH Court”, not “FISA Court









The telephone companies involved in President Bush's Domestic Spying Program said in a joint statement today that it was only "the great progress the President is making in Iraq" that led them to go along with gving the NSA tens-of-millions of U.S. Citizen's telephone numbers

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Signs HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson Is Getting Ready To Cancel Your Contract

News Item: Loyalty Oath?

10. The Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on your car is against HUD policies

9. Signing on the dotted line also means you’re signing up to go hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney

8. You donated money to Katherine Harris’s campaign

7. Since you speak Spanish, likely, you’ll use the contract money to sneak IIlegal Immigrants into the country

6. You haven’t read any of Ann Coulter’s books

5. NSA reports you have a bookmark in your web browser for the “Thank You Harry Taylor” website

4. Background check reveals that you’ve had lunch with a retired general who has criticized Secretary Rumsfeld

3. You have seen Al Gore’s movie on Global Warming

2. A check of your iPod shows you’ve download the Stephen Colbert video

1. He has the A.C. Neilson reports and mentions how you don’t watch Fox News enough

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece

Look What They're Saying Redux!

Since we first posted “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball??” last month, we’ve been getting cards, letters and emails on it (and posted a round of them a few days later.)


Here’s another batch to wade through


Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of Iran


I so enjoyed “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?” that I’m going down on the floor right now, to offer an amendment to give all American $100 to attend a baseball game this summer.

Senator Bill Frist (R-TN)


After reading your baseball piece, I’m going to hold my breath until I can get myself to the nearest baseball park to catch a game

David Blaine, Illusionist and Stunt Performer


While I did like your baseball essay, it won’t prevent me from seeing that there are no illegal immigrants in baseball, even if that means building walls around all the major league stadiums to prevent them from entering. We have to draw the line somewhere.

Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO)


After reading your baseball piece, I sure wish I could just spend my time at some ballgames next week, instead of sitting in a stuffy hearing room, getting grilled over my confirmation.

General Michael V. Hayden


I finally got around to reading “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?” ... Nice job! ... And thanks for not mentioning Barry Bonds in it. Boy, are we in a pickle right now, with him about to tie and pass the Babe

Bud Selig, Commissioner, Major League Baseball


Read it yourself

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Breaking News! Rove Plagiarism Alleged

Fitzgerald Contemplating Hitting Rove With Plagiarism In Grand Jury Appearances

Longtime Bush Aide Denies Charges, Says May Have “Internalized” Testimony From Staffers, Others

Sources are telling The Garlic that Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, as early as this week, may bring charges of Plagiarism against White House Special Councilor Karl Rove, for testimony Rove gave during his five Grand Jury appearances. Additional charges of Obstruction of Justice and Perjury could also follow the Plagiarism counts.

“Fitzgerald is livid,” offered Dix Whitcomb, editor of the newsletter "Our Laws Are Different".

“In preparing for the Libby case, and pouring over testimony of Libby and other staffers, Fitzgerald discovered that Rove has barely offered any of his own words,” added Whitcomb.

Lawyers and others familiar with the case say, ironically, Rove also lifted, and used as his testimony, passages from teen author Kaavya Viswanathan, who herself is facing plagiarism charges.

Rove Lawyer Blames “Extreme Publicity”

Robert Luskin, Rove’s attorney, issued a statement denying the charges that Rove committed plagiarism.

“Karl would never think of engaging in such a practice. It’s quite possible that he “internalized” portions of his testimony that came from other sources, likely from the extreme amount of publicity this case has generated,” read Luskin’s statement.

There are unconfirmed reports that former Time Magazine reporter Vivica Novak, in addition to warning Luskin of colleague Matt Coopers testimony to the Grand Jury, implicating Rove, Novak also made mention that rumors were making the rounds as to Rove’s alleged plagiarism.

“It was all over the Beltway,” said Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist. “I think the D.C. area boosted the sales of that teenager’s book, just to see what Rove was taking from it.”

Viswanathan, after receiving a $500,000 book deal, was discovered to have taken passages for her book “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life,” from two books by author Megan F. McCafferty - the 2001 novel “Sloppy Firsts” and the 2003 novel “Second Helpings.

After a firestorm of publicity, Viswanathan, 19 and a Harvard undergraduate, apologized for the infraction, declaring it was “unintentional” and that she must have “internalized” McCafferty’s work, having read the books in high school.

Viswanathan’s publisher, Little Brown and Company, subsequently cancelled her book deal and pulled the work out of stores and off the market.

Rove Plagiarism Was Widespread

Fitzgerald is, reportedly, pulling transcripts of Rove’s testimony from the Grand Jury.

From a source that has seen the transcripts, and other court documents, say that Rove’s plagiarism was widespread.

Where, in “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life,” Viswanathan wrote “Moneypenny was the brainy female character. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: smart or pretty,” a portion of Rove’s testimony read “Plame was the brainy CIA agent, just another example that female agents had to be smart or pretty.”

In his testimony on his conversation with Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak, Rove reportedly disparaged Plame, telling Novak that “She [Plame] was a food masochist, overloading on Diet Cokes and Mrs. Fields cookies...”

Viswanathan writing had a passage in “Opal Mehta” that read: “In a truly masochistic gesture, they had decided to buy Diet Cokes from Mrs. Fields...”

A New Rove Book?

Sources say there are dozens and dozens of other examples, where Rove’s testimony mimicked, with only the difference of a comma or a hyphen, the words of Libby, Stephen Hadley, Vice President Dick Cheney and, even phrases from former Nixon Administration officials that were made during the Watergate hearings.

Whitcomb says that, in a sublime way, Rove’s plagiarism may end up being an asset to Rove, and, possibly, Libby, in his trial.

“He’s got Fitzgerald all tied up in knots over this,” said Whitcomb.

“We just might see on the shelves next year “How Karl Rove Got Kissed, Got Wild, But Got Off The Hook.”


White House Special Councilor Karl Rove may face plagiarism charges, as Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has discovered that, in five appearances before the Grand Jury, Rove has barely offered any of his own words

Top Ten Cloves: How The White House Is Coaching General Hayden For Confirmation To Head CIA

News Item: General Formally Named to Lead CIA

10. Discreetly let committee members know he has wiretaps on all of them

9. Making sure he knows the 4th Amendment backwards and forwards

8. Get Chief of Staff Josh Bolten’s friend Bo Derek on list to testify, to distract committee members

7. Assuming he doesn’t get indicted, have Karl Rove ready some choice smears for all the committee members

6. Have Senate Leader Bill Frist soften up committee members by passing out some of those $100 Gas Rebate Checks

5. Keep him away from any baseball analogies

4. Get him booked on Fox News programs in the days leading up to the hearings

3. Making sure he works "President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq" into his answers as often as possible

2. President Bush will personally tutor Hayden on how to be a “Decider”

1. Making sure he buys into outing any agents who criticize the President’s policies

Monday, May 08, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: What Was In Letter Iranian President Ahmadinejad Sent To President Bush

News Item: Iran's Leader Writes to President Bush


10. Wanted the inside scoop on Patrick Kennedy; Confided he’s dealing with an Ayatollah who had a similar accident

9. Said he had some Iranian operative in the U.S. and that they could “take care of the Colbert guy” if Bush wanted

8. Thought Bush’s flight suit was “pretty snazzy” and wanted to find out where he could get one just like it

7. Advised, unless Bush’s poll numbers rose, would drop the “Great” from title and just refer to him as “Satan”

6. Looking to score some good Washington Nationals tickets

5. In exchange for seeing “the really good stuff” at Area 51, will give up his claims that the Holocaust a "hoax"

4. Gave Bush a “Heads-Up” – Said the Iranians are going to start singing American National Anthem in Arabic

3. Looking to see how the Bush Administration is going to spin Iran being behind Sept 11th, so he can leverage it on his end

2. Advised Bush that retired Iranian Generals are grumbling about Rumsfeld and urged the President to fire him

1. Ahmadinejad said he’s written a children’s book, about a goat, and asked the President for a testimonial

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 7 May 2006








Samsung is introducing its' new 102-inch Plasma TV, with the new "PIP - Person-In-Picture". The patented PIP can be programmed for multiple functions, including programming VCR's and finding the remote control when lost















llusionist David Copperfield takes a spin on the new runaway train attraction, 'Expedition Everest' at Disney's Animal Kingdom

Disney says that they have overhauled all their attractions to only "mame and injury" guests and have eliminated death as one of the features



















1970's icon, and star of the 'Rocky III' film, Mr. T is attempting to cash in on a new generation, announcing that he has changed his name to "Mr. F"

"That F for Freedom, fool!" Mr. F barked to reporters.

Unconfirmed reports have Mr. F teaming up with Sylvester Stallone's Rocky, to battle a muscle-bound terrorist, played by Dolph Lundgren













In a desperate attempt to prove his case, that he was too busy to have leaked CIA Valerie Plame's identity, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby is said to be planning to subpoena 12-million illegal aliens, to testify to Libby's workload on National Security

















General Michael Hayden, soon to be nominated to take over the Central Intelligence Agency, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that "I, also, am a decider, and I glad the President Bush decided to choose me"

Hayden indicated that there will be "no slowing down" of the Illegal Wiretapping Program during his confirmation hearings


















Outgoing CIA Director Porter Goss said, with President Bush sitting next to him, "Now that I'm retired, you can chalk me up for believing it's time for Secretary of Defense to step down"










As 'The Garlic' reported last week, that six retired illegal immigrants called for Rumsfield to resign, AARP released a poll that indicated over 76% of their retired members believe it's time for Rumsfeld to go

Last Weeks Garlic Poll Results - It's A Runaway!

Another week with The Garlic Poll and this one was a runaway...

For last week’s question, The Real Reason President Bush Wants National Anthem Sung In English Is ...

The results

1. He still doesn’t know all the words in English, so forget about learning it in another language 53%

2. Doesn’t like, as in NHL, having to stand through two national anthems 18%

3. Just doesn’t go for that Salsa, or Tex-Mex music thing 17%

4. Library of Congress gets 2% royalty every time its’ played or sung 12%

This week’s Poll - Steve Colbert, for his White House Correspondents' Association Dinner Performance, Can Expect ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote