Friday, December 15, 2006

Breaking News! President’s Personal Resolutions Will Determine Iraq Strategy

Bush Launches New White House “Resolution” Group; Targeting Jan. 1 To Begin Changes

Plans Own 100-Hours; From Dealing With Iraq Jar, To Losing Weight, Says “New Strategies Will Come From Me”

Sources close to the President have told The Garlic, that the White House is “in a frenzy” as President Bush has personally set up a new study group, with a two-week time line, to compile a list of “resolutions” the President should consider for the new year.

The White House Resolution Group is spearhead by Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, and has a widely diverse membership, pulling from the White House Iraq Group, the White House Iraq and Iran Group, trusted confidants outside the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney’s role in the Resolution Group will be limited to an advisory role, as the Vice President is pressed for time heading his own Iran Study Group.

Former Iraq Study Group chiefs James Baker, Lee Hamilton, as well as any other members of the group, will not be brought in and will not be solicited for any potential resolutions that President can make.

The WHRG is to submit their final list of recommended resolutions to the President by December 30th, while the President works to compile his own list. The target of December 31st is circled for the President to take his own list, merge it with the WHRG’s list and come up with what will be his own New Years’ resolutions that will embrace both personal goals, as well as what his new plans for Iraq will be.

Pushing Back Iraq Solution Unrelated To New Resolutions

President Bush was to address the nation with his new Iraq plans before Christmas, but on Wednesday, the White House announced he was delaying the speech until the New Year.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said, before banging his head on the podium, he didn’t know if the announcement of the delay had anything to do with the new Resolution Group and, when pressed by reporters, indicated that “I’d recommend that President make a resolution, like I have, to apologize to NBC’s David Gregory.”

“I think,” added Snow, “that what we have here is a man, just like millions of other people around the country, that is going to, you know, make some resolutions for the New Year ... To be a better person ... And he’s doing, just like other people, both personal and professional resolutions ... He’s the Commander-in-Chief and some of those professional resolutions will be about policy and what’s best for the country ... “

Bush Resolutions To Be ‘I-Told-You-So” Proof

The White House is denying that the new Resolution Group is part of the plan to get their “mojo back” or that using resolutions are to be a rebuttal to the ISG Report.

The timing of the WHRG is extremely coincidental to the release of the report, in which the President seemingly blew it off, vowing to come up with “a new strategy for Iraq” saying "The American people expect us to come up with a new strategy to achieve the objective which I've been talking about."

“This is all the President’s.” said an aide in the White House. “The planning for the Resolution Group predated the release of the ISG ... The President wanted a plan, something, that was his own, and not be subject to a bunch of I-Told-You-So’s ...”

President Bush hasn’t ruled out at least two of the ISG’s recommendations, that that he reinvade Iraq or that he launch a reality show to come up with a new solution.

100 Hours and The Iraq Jar

Sources have indicated that the goal is to come up with 100-hours of resolutions, which can be measured and tracked for progress and effectiveness.

This includes ordinary resolutions of losing weight, and increasing his "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" Reading List to, at least, four Shakespeares” to laying out a new strategy to deal with the crises in Iraq. There will be no plans or resolution to begin defining what’s going on in Iraq as a “Civil War”.

The President will resolve, according to Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative hawkish think tank, “Cry Wolf”, that is said to be closely affiliated with The Project for the New American Century (PNAC), and, some say, may be an adjunct to the White House Iraq Group, or WHIG, to begin whittling away at the Iraq Jar.

“He as to start dealing with that,” said Varicator. “The thing is overflowing with ideas and suggestions and who knows, there just might be a plan in there that can save his presidency, his legacy.”

The White House is bristling at the suggestion the President’s 100-Hours of Resolutions is designed to overshadow the planned 100-Hours of the 110th Congress, in which Speaker-Elect Nancy Pelosi says she will “drain the GOP swamp.”

“It is nothing of the sort,” said one aide. “It’s a matter of New Years’ Resolutions and you, if my memory is correct, begin or launch those at the beginning of the New Year ... They [Congress] have their plans, we have ours ...”

Outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who was not invited to join the White House Resolution Group, weighed in on the matter.

“Gosh Golly ... Resolutions?... My goodness, what the heck do you think we’ve been doing for the last three years? ... We’ve being going with the resolutions that we had, not the resolutions we wish we had at a later time.”

The First Lady will be happy to hear that the new White House Resolution Group will see that the President deals with the overflowing Iraq Jar that sits in his office

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Retro Garlic - The Iraq Jar

Here’s a gift to kick off the spirit of Christmas, 12 Days-out ... Another stunning headline ripped from the pages of ... The Garlic!

Who knew there really was an Iraq Jar in the White House?

Today, from the Washington Post;

Bush Delays Speech on Iraq Strategy

Last Tuesday, from The Garlic;

President Putting New Policy Suggestions In “Iraq Jar”; Rarely Pays Attention To It

Cue the ‘Twilight Zone’ theme and fade out ...

To Serve Man. The government in that episode also had major problems with Intelligence

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Chopped Garlic - An Obit Of Note - Georgia Gibbs

We have, from time-to-time, taken note of obituaries discovered. A few in the short past history of The Garlic include John DeLorean and former Stockholm Opera conductor, Sixten Ehrling.

Today, we descried another, and it brought out a grin and a laugh. It was the obit for the former pop singer, Her Nibs, Georgia Gibbs.

The humor found with the obit was not based in the death of Ms. Gibbs, but with instantly, upon seeing the headline, being taken back to the late, legendary satirist and comic, Lenny Bruce, and his routine ‘The Palladium’ (also presented in some instances as “Comic At The Palladium”)

This is one of Bruce’s enduring classic treasures, of a low-level comic badgering his agent (“The pool isn’t in yet, but the patio is dry”) to play the “big rooms” (“I want a class date ... I can’t keep going back to Montreal ...”), who, after trying to talk him down, gives into the comic’s demand and books him at the Palladium in London (“You open on the 19th with Georgia Gibbs ... Bobby Breen ... Helen Noga, .. And Bruno Hauptmann’s son ... For some insurance there...”)

The scatological references (and there’s a ton more in the routine) have Noga, who was a club owner and artist agent, handing Johnny Mathis at one point and Bobby Breen was a former child singing star. The point, lost on the comic, was he was being booked with a bunch of Has-Beens.

Now this was a rather extraordinary obituary, for someone who was a B-List entertainer, at best. Much of Ms. Gibbs success came via the policy of discrimination, with the major record labels pushing white people like Ms. Gibbs, Pat Boone and others, on records and into television, singing the hits of black artists.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, so read the obit, Singer Georgia Gibbs, 87; Performed With Big Bands and on Radio Shows, for the devastating, hysterically-funny jab LaVern Baker throws at Gibbs.


Lenny Bruce

Georgia Gibbs

Listen To The Palladium (On Rhapsody)

In the liner notes for Bruce’s recording, ‘The Berkeley Concert’, writer Ralph Gleason (no slouch in the Legend Dept. himself) says;

“Lenny didn't have to say the controversial words to be funny. Religions, Inc. and Comic at the Palladium will rank as classic American satires as long as we exist.”

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Why Saudi Arabian Ambassador Suddenly Resigned His Post

News Item: Saudi Ambassador Abruptly Resigns, Leaves Washington

10. Made reference to “Iraq Civil War” in the presence of President Bush and was promptly deported back to Saudi Arabia

9. Wanted to leave earlier but stayed to collect his year-end dividend from The Carlyle Group

8. Didn’t feel safe in USA, after reports of State Department using Google to gather their Intelligence

7. Leaving early, so he doesn’t get called to testify at Scooter Libby’s trial next month

6. Heard a rumor that blogger Michele Malkin was getting ready of accusing him of exaggerating the violence in Iraq

5. Bush has been badgering him for a New Way Forward

4. Panicked ... Heard rumors that Saudi Arabia was considering trading him for Alan Iverson

3. Lost a bet ... Said he’d leave and go home as soon as Bush’s ratings dropped below 30%

2. Was outraged that Tom DeLay started blogging and is leaving in protest

1. Really liked eating at Taco Bell restaurants and with the latest E. Coli breakout...

Lost a bet ... Said he’d leave and go home as soon as Bush’s ratings dropped below 30%

Monday, December 11, 2006

Garlic Special - New Bush Theme Song - Nature Bush

In The Garlic’s ongoing quest, to keep our Court-Appointed-President bathed in theme music, we found ourselves humming the Nat King Cole gem, ‘Nature Boy’ most of the day. The plaintive tone of the tune seemed most appropriate for The Decider as he charts a New Way Forward.

Hence, we offer ...

Nature Bush

There was a Bush
A very strange Executive Powered Bush
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little smug and mad of eye
But Stay The Course was he

And then one day
A magic day the ISG passed his way
And while they spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This they said to Bush
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to leave and have the troops return"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to leave and have the troops return"


Nat King Cole

Nature Boy

Listen To A Clip of Nature Boy

The Nat King Cole Society

Nat King Cole’s Albums

Scroll Down The Right Sidebar To Check Out Other Songs ... On The Garlic

Retro Garlic: Life Imitating The Garlic

We had to do a double-take today, when we noticed the headline of an article appearing in The Washington Post .

Pretty close to the zone of life imitating The Garlic

Seeking Iran Intelligence, U.S. Tries Google

Back in early October, The Garlic had the scoop on this;

Google Crashes! Besieged With “I’m Feeling Lucky” Searches From White House, Congress

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 December 2006

Rice In, Rove Out

With reports of a riff between President Bush and White House Advisor Karl Rove, over Rove’s use of “The Math” to miscalculate the 2006 Midterm elections, Rove is now regulated to walking behind the President and is often ignored by President Bush, and other cabinet members.

With President Bush all but ignoring the Iraq Study Group Report, and waiting for suggestions from the Pentagon, as well as internally, from the White House staff, a classified memo leaked indicates the that President Bush is considering employing Indian Snake Charmers to help stem the violence in Iraq.

Due to a government crackdown , the private Bush memo states there are “more then enough snake charmers to cover most of Iraq

As cited by the Iraq Study Group, the poor infrastructure and reconstruction of Iraq, military personnel must ride around, at times, for miles, before they can pick up a signal to make and complete a telephone call

In the Good-Timing Department, Jason Lee, star of hit NBC comedy “My Name Is Earl” announced that the show will adopt the Iraq Study Group Report into the show’s storyline. Lee indicated that they were running out of ideas on how his character could keep making good on past misdeeds and that “the 79 recommendations sure gives us a lot to work with”

Retro Garlic: Anybody Check The Freezer For Any Loose Ballots?

Well, it plays out that the Honorable Congressman from New Orleans, William Jefferson, lives to sit in another session.

Running away with the Run-Off Election yesterday, Jefferson trounced State Rep. Karen Carter to win his eight term in Congress, all while being under investigation for taking bribes related to contracts in Nigerian telecommunications business (can’t you just feel, if charges are ever brought, a good, lush, logic-defying Nigerian Email Scam defense in the making here?

You remember, don’t you? The deliciously-rich discovery of $90,000 stuffed into his freezer.

Retro Garlic points you to;

Top Ten Cloves: How Freezer and Refrigerator Manufacturers Are Exploiting Congressman Jefferson’s Scandal Situation

Any Of These ISG Guys Happen To Have A Wife That Works Undercover At The CIA? ... The Results - The Garlic Week Poll

With President Bush all but coming out and defiantly saying “Blow Me” to James Baker and Lee Hamilton, following the release of the now “My Sister- My Daughter” Iraq Study Group Report, you have to place high odds, as did this past weeks’ Garlic Poll voters, that Vice President Dick Cheney and his jolly staff are burrowing their way through tons of government records, looking for something to smear and/or expose about any member of the group.

But in dismissing the report, the White House is blinded from the gift they have been given.

While the ISG Report does document what about 50% of the country has known now for nearly three-years, that “Bush and Cheney’s Excellent Iraq Adventure” is a historically unprecedented disaster, the focus has been less on that and what our AWOL Flyboy -Turned Bankrupt Oilman -Turned Gadfly Baseball Team Owner -Turned Death Machine Governor - Turned Court Appointed President is going to do.

So, Bush has another two-or-three-weeks before he’s exposed again of being a grinning incompetent. And what’s that old adage about even a blind squirrel gets an acorn once in awhile.

What’s the plan there Jeffe?

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll December 3 - December 9, 2006

After President Bush receives the Iraq Study Group Report this week, he’ll...

1. Have the State Department leak another memo, this time saying how incompetent the Iraq Study Group really is Tally 26%

2. Get one of the White House interns to check out how much it will fetch on eBay Tally 24%

3. Put Dick Cheney and his staff to work, combing over it to see there’s no erosion of Executive Power Tally 19%

4. Take the points from it and apply them to his plans to attack and occupy Iran Tally 17%

5. Give James Baker and Lee Hamilton Medal of Freedom Awards Tally 14%

This week’s Poll - With the Democratic-led 110th Congress planning on working a 5-Day week, we can expect...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Even a blind squirrel gets an acorn once in awhile