Bolton: Card Had White House In Coma

White House Shake-Up Causes Bolton Snafu

Fiery UN Ambassador Thought Bush Reaching Out To Him; Lambastes Card and “that little bean-counting pansy”

The morning surprise, of the White House announcing the resignation of Chief of Staff Andy Card, reverberated all the way up to New York City, causing yet another Bush Administration gaffe.

At 8:30AM today, President Bush, made the announcement, televised nationally, of Card stepping down and being replaced with Office of Management and Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten. During Bush’s first term, Bolten served as deputy White House chief of staff.

Through yet-to-be explained circumstances, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, upon hearing the news, either in an email or telephone call, mistook the message that he was being called for the duty and immediately headed off to the airport, to fly down to Washington.

And the Miers thing

Encountering news media on his way, a beaming Ambassador Bolton offered a running, unprompted discourse, as he made his way to the shuttle flight.

“It’s about God-damned time they pulled me from this hellhole,” said the U.N. Ambassador. “I told the President, two-years ago, to dump that bastard ... He had the White House in coma during the Hurricane last year ... And the Miers thing, my God, he couldn’t have screwed that pooch more if he studied for it.”

Bolton was President Bush’s controversial, and contested, choice in March 2005 to succeed John Danforth, who resigned after a short term, as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

With a reputation for being a bully, Bolton faced a contentious Senate confirmation process, who reminded the public servant of some of his past statements, denouncing North Korean leader Kim Jong Il on the eve of talks, labeling Kim a "tyrannical dictator."

Bolton also held a low opinion of the United Nations, saying once that “There's no such thing as the United Nations. If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference.”

Bolton’s appointment was ultimately filibustered and President Bush, in August 2005, named Bolton Ambassador through a recess appointment.

Chief of Ass Kicking

While waiting for his flight to Washington, Bolton continued speaking with the media.

“Yep, I’m going to settle right in and start kicking some ass right away ... I think I’ll ask the President if I can have the title of “Chief of Ass Kicking” instead ... Has a nice ring to it and it’ll kick those assholes in line.”

Bolton was then interrupted by his cell phone ringing and, after a few moments of listening, he became enraged and began shouting into the phone.

“That little bean-counting pansy! ... You gotta be shitting me! ... No way, not this time ... I’ve paid my dues, I want that office.”

At that point, members of Bolton’s staff arrived at the airport and ushered the still raging Ambassador into a private office off the lobby area and exited the airport through a different exit.

In Washington, there was no immediate comment from the White House.

After the President’s televised announcement, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that “We have spoken with the Ambassador and he has passed on to the President and new Chief of Staff his congratulations and best wishes. He told the President that he made a strong choice.”

McClellan said he would have no comment if Joshua Bolten would replace Card in the White House Iraq Group, or the new, White House Iraq and Iran Group, or if someone new would be added.

In a related matter, Washington Post reporter, and Bush legacy author, Bob Woodward said this morning that Andy Card told him he was going to resign “over two-years ago”.

“He wanted time to market the resignation,” said Woodward, “and I promised I wouldn’t write about it until it was a done deal.”

U.N Ambassador John Bolton, disappointed he wasn't named new Chief of Staff, said that "Card had the White House in a coma" and referred to Joshua Bolten as "that little bean-counting pansy"