Friday, February 24, 2006

Breaking News! - Bush Has "Own Government"

New White House Bombshell As President Confirms It's "My Government"

Cabinet Meeting Comment Reveals Duel Government; Forces Administration To Admit Did Deal In Secret

Capital Hill, today, is in complete chaos, after President Bush let slip in a Cabinet Meeting yesterday that he owns the government.

Speaking to reporters at the end of a Cabinet Meeting, addressing the furor over the Administration's secret approval of a $6.8 billion sale that will allow a United Arab Emirates company to control six critical ports, the President said;

"The more people learn about the transaction that has been scrutinized and approved by my government, the more they'll be comforted that our ports will be secure."

The President's use of the term "my government" fueled critics who have long speculated that the Bush Administration has operated independently from the U.S. Government and late this morning White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan confirmed the move, saying that "we probably should have announced this sooner."

"The President just learned of this," stated McClellan, "about the same time you all did. He knew that it was going to be proposed, but didn't know that it was finally approved, until just before the Cabinet meeting."

Much of the Senate and the House learned of the new, secret Bush Government, following a meeting of the Senate Armed Services Committee, chaired by Senator John Warner (R-VA), to begin looking into the Dubai Port World sale.

Bush Government Approved In Secret Vote

According to sources close to the administration, the private Bush Government came in the same meeting that the Dubai Port World sale came up.

The Committee on Foreign Investments in the United States, after approving, in secret, the sale, giving control of the port operations in six, major American cities, to the UAE-owned company, a motion was brought up, as an extension to that sale, to formally recognize the private Bush Government.

None of the members of the committee, which includes representatives of the FBI and Pentagon, as well as the Secretaries of Treasury, Commerce and Homeland Security, would comment on the proposal or vote, citing all records of it are classified.

Unconfirmed rumors also point to a "Signing Statement" by President Bush also may have played into the formation of his private government.

President Bush's increased use of "Signing Statements", as well as the efforts to expand executive powers, and the extraordinary reclassification of documents, were all part of the move to form a private government, according to the source.

'This didn't happen overnight," said the source.

Bipartisan Critics Say Signs Were There

Almost unilaterally, critics say, President Bush, and his administration, launched a preemptive war and occupation of Iraq, liberally and repeatedly leaked classified information of the U.S. Government, with complete disregard, failed to respond to the devastating Hurricane Katrina, initially citing and putting blame on local and state officials, the recent shooting by Vice President Dick Cheney that went unreported and undisclosed for over 14-hours, and now, the secret sale of the six, major port operations to a country, the UAE, that has ties to Sept. 11th and terrorism.

The reaction to a private Bush Government has been swift, heated and bipartisan.

"We sensed, for some time," said Senator Carl Levine (D-MI), "that they were out-of-touch and out-of-control, but I never expected to find that they had their own government."

"Who knew," said Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), "they when they boasted about having a "post-9-11 mindset", that it meant having their own government."

"This is way beyond being tone-deaf," said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC). "They have a completely different agenda, a different allgiance, their own set of rules."

Both leaders of the House and Senate, as well as the minority leaders, denounced the move and called for "immediate and thorough hearings"

Special Committee Called; "We may be stuck with this private government for awhile"

"We're putting together a special, bipartisan committee, as we speak," according to a statement signed by Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN), Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV), Rep. And House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) and Rep, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "We need to get to the bottom of this and will subpoena the entire White House, if need be."

Privately, some members of the House and Senate are worried, based on the recent secret actions of the Bush Administration, that they "will ignore" and not recognize the new committee, or it's investigative powers

"I fear," said Pelosi, "I mean I really have deep fears that we may be stuck with this private Bush Government for awhile … Maybe until the end of his term."

In an effort seen as attempting to soften fears and calm down the reaction, Deputy White House Chief of Staff, and Special Council, Karl Rove, seen by many as the architect of the move, said that there's no requirement that we close this deal immediately."

"Too much of Washington - particularly, the Democrats," said Rove, "- are stuck in this pre-9-11-mindset. We have the vision, and the opportunity, to seize the moment and boldly define what is needed - a strong, post-9-11-mentality, and that's what we are doing."

Libby Dismal Motion Timed To Announcement; May Test new 'Cheney Decision" Law

Yesterday, lawyers of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff, asked, in a motion, U.S. District Court Judge Reggie B. Walton to dismiss all charges against him because a special prosecutor lacked the legal authority to bring the charges.

Libby contends that the Justice Department "improperly appointed" Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald, who is investigating the CIA Leak Case in which Libby, and others in the Bush Administration leaked the name and identity of covert CIA Agent Valerie Plame, therefore, making invalid the charges against Libby of perjury, making false statements and obstructing justice.

"They're going for broke," said Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black'). "They're going to push all the buttons on this one, make it a full, all-out assault on the Special Prosecutor, maybe even the court."

"They may even try to plug in the new "Cheney Decision" the law the White House and Justice pushed through last week. Bush may add a 'Signing Statement" to it, make it retro for Libby - at least, that's the rumor coming out of the Vice President's Office."

The new "Cheney Decision" allows persons of a certain income level the benefit of not being interviewed by law enforcement officials, following an incident or accident, for 12-hours, and in some cases, up to 36-hours

Bob Woodward May Be Outlet For New Secret Bush Government

There is growing rumors and speculation that Washington Post, and author, Bob Woodward will be tapped to "leak information" out on the new, secret Bush Government.

Reporting on The Huffington Post, as well as his own blog, journalist Murray Waas writes that Woodward as given special treatment and access to reams of classified information, when writing his books on the Bush Administration

"It wouldn't surprise me if the used Woodward, "said a veteran Capital Hill media person. "The real mystery will be is if he sits on it for months, maybe to write a new book, or if the Bush people tell him to sit on it, or leak it right away."

Rumors and speculation are also growing that the Chicago Tribune columnist and new Fox News analyst Robert Novak, former former New York Times reporter Judith Miller and Time Magazine's Matthew Copper may also be sought by the secret Bush Government as outlets for leaks.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is said to have written most of the legal opinons that allowed President Bush to form his own, secret goverment

Top Ten Cloves: Problems With Being A Woman Figure Skater In The Winter Olympics

10. Millions of perverts are downloading your picture for the World Wide Web

9. Can't get Olympic Committee and Federations to go to an "American-Idol" style of voting

8. Scooter Libby is claiming he's too busy? Let him try training for and competing in the Olympics

7. Need to wait until we turn professional to get into the really big bucks

6. What the hell was Bryant Gumble talking about - Don't remember seeing any figure skaters at the GOP Convention

5. Have to put up with Dick Button's gushing

4. The Martha Stewart - Donald Trump feud overshadowed us this week

3. Have to play along with NBC's Bob Costas - Yeah, it's because we're wearing ice skates is why we're taller then him

2. Some of the male figure skaters look better in tights

1. Point deductions for falling down; What the hell do they expect, we're on ice, for Christ's sake

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Special Port Security Song Sweeping Through Congress

Special Sing-Along: Never Can Say Dubai

As we did back in November, when The Garlic went musical to honor and commemorate the arraignment of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, with a rendition of "Dick, The Magic Vice Prez", we offer today, the tune that is sweeping through both Houses of Congress

(It goes to the melody of "Never Can Say Goodbye")

Never Can Say Dubai

I never can say Dubai
No, no, no, I never can say Dubai

Every time I think I'm safe enough
And start heading for the port
There’s a very strange vibration
Piercing me right to the core

It says turn around you fool,
You know you fear him more, and more
Tell me why ... is it so?
Don’t wanna let you get away with it

I never can say goodbye Dubai
Ooh ooh Georgie, I never can say Dubai
No no no no no no
Ooh hey I never can say Dubai, Georgie
Ooh ooh Georgie
I never can say Dubai
No no no no no no hey

I never can say Dubai
Oh no, no, no I, I never can say Dubai

I keep thinking that our security soon is all gonna work out
But there’s that same unhappy feeling,
There’s that anguish, there’s that doubt
It’s that same old secrecy hang-up
You can’t do it openly, you do it without oversight, as you’ve had with all your term

Tell me why is it so? I don’t wanna let you get away with it
I never can say Dubai, ooh Georgie
I never can say Dubai, no no no no no no
Hey I never can say Dubai, Georgie,ooh Georgie
I never can say Dubai, no no no no no no

I never can say Dubai, Georgie,
I never can say Dubai, no no no no no no
I never can say Dubai, Georgie
I never can say Dubai, no no no no no no

I never can say Dubai, Georgie
I never can say Dubai, no no no no no no
I never can say Dubai, Georgie
I never can say Dubai, no no no no no no

Ooh ooh ooh hey I never can say Dubai, Georgie
No no no baby hey never can say Dubai
No no no no please, don’t make me say Dubai
Hey I will never say Dubai, no Georgie
Oh please don’t veto me, no no no no
Hey oh I can’t say Dubai, Georgie
No no no Georgie
Oh please don’t oooh, Georgie

President Bush, today, is being serenaded by Congress with the song, "Never Can Say Dubai"

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Bob Dole Becoming Lobbyist for Dubai Ports World Company

10. No photos of Dole with Jack Abramoff released yet, so he must be clean

9. Expecting him to leverage his expertise in the 10th Amendment to push this sale through

8. Knows he'll blow off the United Nations if they try to stick their noses in this issue

7. His wife, Senator Elizabeth Dole, used to run Red Cross, so, in case of disaster, they can pull some strings

6. Won't have any trouble lobbying Bush Administration to pull money from Education Department to throw into this fight

5. Since Bode Miller has bombed out in the Olympics, decided to go with a "more stately" candidate

4. Don't have to worry about Dole signing on to do an "Apprentice" show with Donald Trump or Martha Stewart

3. With his Senate experience, he can write the new "No Port Operator Left Behind" bill, so Bush can ram it through Congress

2. It was his vast knowledge and experience on ports from growing up in Kansas

1. Any Dole lobbying efforts that last longer then four-hours, he needs to see a doctor asap

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Veto Signing Will Be Fundraiser for Libby

White House, Preparing For Port Showdown, To Run "Veto" Classes For Bush

President Said To Have "First-Time Jitters"; AOL Coaches, Other Pro's Pitching In To Amp Up Learning Curve

The White House, according to sources, is "going to the mattresses" today, as a blizzard of criticism continues to rain down on President Bush, and his staunch defense yesterday of allowing the United Arab Emirates to take over port operations in six major American cities, including the threat to veto any legislation that comes from Congress in an attempt to kill the deal.

Prior to taking the rare step of going to the back of Air Force One and engaging reporters, defending the sale, as well as giving an interview on the White House lawn upon his return, announcing he will veto any bills on the deal, the White House announced yesterday morning the launching of "The New Strategy For Victory For Port Security Contract".

The President, speaking harshly and with great passion, said that his critics "just don't understand the post-9-11 world."

"I have a job to do, I have decisions to make and this was a decision I had to make," said the President. "You see, the President of the United States has to make decisions every day, you know … Lots of decisions … Every day … And this is just one of those decisions …"

"Now, if I didn't make this decision, one of the many decisions I have to make, you see, then someone else might have made the decision ..Someone who isn't authorized by the Constitution or by the Congress, who gave me the powers to make these kinds of decisions in the time of war … You see, we're, kind of, in the decision business …That's what the President does - make decisions"

Bipartisan Support For Blocking Sale

The reaction has been swift and overwhelmingly against the sale, to the Dubai Ports World, owned by the United Arab Emirates.

Congressman Curt Weldon (R-PA) said in an interview late yesterday that "If the president wants to veto this, go ahead -- we'll override the veto.'' Weldon is a member of the House Homeland Security Committee

Democrats, including Senators Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Robert Menendez (D-NJ) have proposed legislation to stop the acquisition. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid 9D-NV) said Senate Leader Bill Frist must let the Senate act as soon as it returns next week.

"It is already clear this deal should not go forward, and I hope he will permit the Senate to act expeditiously,'' Reid, a Nevada Democrat, said yesterday, according to Bloomberg News.

Both Republican leaders, Frist (R-TN) and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL) have called on President Bush to hold off and delay the sale, until Congress and evaluate it and be briefed on the details as to the security risks it poses.

Frist took the additional step of demanding to see video of the company, and the subsequent debate by the Committee on Foreign Investment, a secretive 12-member board that includes Cabinet members and White House officials and conducted the panel secretively and behind closed doors.

"I need to see this video," said Frist, "to make the proper diagnosis of this deal."

When apprised of Frist's request of video, McClellan offered a derisive "good luck to him"

"It's disappointing, that the Senate Leader, and others, are stuck with this pre-9-11 mentality. He can sit next to David Gregory, pose for the cameras and wait for the information, that may, or may not be declassified."

Veto Classes For Bush

Today, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan confirmed that "The New Strategy For Victory For Port Security Contract" will include "Veto Classes" for the President, as, in over five-years, he has yet to exercise his veto power with any legislation crossing his desk.

"This will be similar," said McClellan, " and along the lines of the Ethics Classes we conducted last Fall. Just a refresher for the President."

McClellan referenced the mandatory Ethics Classes for all White House staffers, following the breaking of the CIA Leak Case and the indictment of Lewis 'Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff

The President and Vice President clashed over the content and direction of the Ethics Classes last November, with Cheney advocating that former Nixon staffers G. Gordon Liddy and Jeb Stuart Magruder conduct the classes and President Bush standing by White House Council Harriet Miers as "the most qualified" person to run them.

According to David Aaronson, editor of "What Color Is My Coat Today?", the Capital Hill newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party, the Veto Classes will be "comprehensive and high-powered".

"They'll be going to pouring over everything," advised Aaronson. "How he stands, how he sits, how he holds the pen, his penmanship, what he'll wear when signs the veto, what he'll say … It will all be covered …"

"That is, of course," added Aaronson, "if the do it publicly. I've heard some stirring that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney are arguing that he should sign the veto in secret."

McClellan would not confirm, or deny, that the President has "first-time jitters" on signing a veto.

"Our policy hasn't changed, offered McClellan, "We don't comment on anything that we don't want, anything negative against the Administration."

Professionals Coming Into White House

The Veto Classes will have some high-power behind them, as it is being reported that AOL "Love Coach" Star Jones Reynolds, former First Lady Nancy Reagan and right wing pundit Ann Coulter will be part of the training.

AOL "Love Coach" Jones-Reynolds says that the President needs "to let the love flow" when he signs the veto.

"He just needs to feel it, let it loose, says Jones-Reynolds, "let it just drip down his arm and on to that piece of paper … He should caress the paper, whisper a few sweet nothings to the paper, let that piece of paper know how he feels …"

Nancy Reagan is expected to boost the President's spirit and commitment, encouraging him, if he has any doubts about signing the veto, to stay "resolute and just say no".

Coulter, a favorite of the Bush White House, will provide the President with some "very toxic zingers", that he can belittle the critics of the deal with, "especially the Democrats, the liberals, and The New York Times".

"For any Republicans that join this idiotic action," said Coulter, "then we should televise their torture … right after we do the terrorists."

Veto Signing Will Be Fundraiser for Libby

The White House did intimate, that if the President does end up vetoing legislation in the port security issue, that, likely, it will done as a fundraiser for the "Libby Legal Defense Fund".

A newly-launched website, by Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby is seeking donations for his defense, against his indictment for lying to federal agents and prosecutors in the CIA Leak Case investigation.

On the Home Page, Cheney says that "Scooter Libby is one of the most capable and talented individuals I have ever known".

Unconfirmed rumors have that the pen used by President Bush, to sign the veto, will be auctioned to raise money and be donated to Libby's defense.

As this would be President Bush's first veto since taking office in 2000, the pen is speculated to have significant historic value and would fetch a high price.

Recently, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald charged that Libby, and his defense team, is attempting to "graymail" the prosecution, burying them in requests for classified information they say is vital to his defense. Reportedly, Libby is requesting nearly 300 "Presidential Daily Briefings", documents so sensitive, Cheney once described them as "the family jewels".

Libby denied the charges and said that they will petition the court for the entire contents of the Library of Congress to prove the charge false.

The White House plans on using a wide variety of resources, including visual aids, to assist President Bush in his upcoming "Veto" classes

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Martha Stewart and Donald Trump Can End Their Feud

10. Larry Summers is out of work now, maybe he can decided the merits of whose right

9. Martha will end her Eminent Domain lawsuit, to take over all of Trump's properties

8. They can take it to the FISA Court

7. Martha promises to stop emailing the "hair" jokes

6. Trump can start by stop addressing her as "convict"

5. Both will agree to sit down with Brit Hume on Fox News

4. Trump will let Martha "pretend" fire him, but only in a special, Pay-Per-View event, of which he will have total ownership of

3. They'll bond, ganging up on Bryant Gumble, for saying their feud is "like the GOP Convention"

2. Separately, they'll both lobby Bill O'Reilly to start a war to save them

1. Martha will be the one to mend fences - literally, out on a very nice red oak

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The New Strategy For Victory On Port Security Contract

Bush, To Stymie Port Critics, May Send Cheney Out For Second Shooting Admission

Split In White House Wants VP Kept On Front Burner; Leak Says President Let Miers Pick Dubai Company

The White House, according to sources is "stunned" by the rebuke and growing criticism of awarding port security in six major American cities to a company owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates.

So much so that there are plans to have Vice President Dick Cheney conduct a second television interview, to give his accounting of shooting his hunting companion, Harry Whittington, in the face nearly 10-days ago.

"As much as the White House said they were at odds on how Cheney handled the shooting incident," said Eddie Mars, editor of 'Please Shoot Me', the newsletter that tracks the Fox News Channel.

Mars points to how the Cheney shooting removed from the news buzz the release of the first photo of indicted Republican Lobbyist Jack Abramoff with President Bush, the potentially devastating leak that indicted VP Chief of Staff Lewis 'Scooter" Libby testified to the Grand Jury that he was given orders to leak classified information by his superiors and then the blistering report by House Republicans on how poorly the Administration responded to Hurricane Katrina.

"They were breathing a sigh of relief … It was something they could easily contain and control," said Mars.

New Program Imminent

Sources have told The Garlic that the White House is contemplating launching "The New Strategy For Victory On Port Security Contract", to rebut critics and, more so, get Republicans back in-line.

On the Sunday news show circuit, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff defended the contract, given to Dubai Ports World of the United Arab Emirates, saying that "certain conditions or requirements that the company has to agree to make sure we address the national security concerns."

The Bush Administration is pointing out that the United Arab Emirates is a "key ally in the war on terror", despite the contrary intelligence that two of the September 11, 2001, hijackers were from the UAE and that most of the hijackers received money channeled through various sources based in the UAE, according to the Justice Department and the 9/11 commission

Presidential adviser Dan Bartlett, in an interview with CNN said that "The process was done by the book.

"If you start deciding these issues in a guilt-by-association method, you will have a situation which has deep and harmful ramifications to the economic interests of this country, added Bartlett"

Bartlett, according to sources, is said to be working with Chief of Staff Andy Card and Special Counsel Karl Rove on "The New Strategy For Victory On Port Security Contract"

Pushback On Republicans, Media … Rebecca Role For Matalin

An element of "The New Strategy For Victory On Port Security" will be to pushback on Republicans who have joined in the criticism .

On "Fox News Sunday", Senator. Lindsey O. Graham (R-D.C.) characterized the sale of port security as "It's unbelievably tone deaf politically at this point in our history."

Yesterday, reports indicated that Lindsey received in the mail a tuning fork, with a note from Karl Rove, that read, chillingly;

"You can use this to get your pitch and tone back - especially if you plan to seek reelection and expect support from the White House."

Additional Republicans who have criticized the port security plan have received telephone calls from either Rove or Andy Card, with an equally stern message - Back the President, or else.

The challenging of the media also began on Sunday, when Mary Matalin, Special Aide to Vice President Cheney, and a member of the White House Iraq Group(WHIG) appearing on "Meet The Press", accused David Gregory, of NBC News of going on a "four-day Jihad" against Cheney and then derided New York Times Columnists Maureen Dowd as "the diva of the smart set".

"Matalin sure had her fingernails sharpened," said Mars. "The buzz around town is, that if they ever remake the film "Rebecca", they can certainly plug-in Matalin for the Mrs. Danvers role."

'They'll bait a few more members of the press," added Mars, "before they announce that Cheney will sit down with Fox and Brit Hume again, to give another accounting of the shooting … Fill in some of the gaps, go over it with more color, play up his hunting credentials and all that."

Mars speculated that the Bush Administration's pushback on the port security contract may be an overture to the neocons, who have recently expressed skepticism on just how tough the President can be.

Tensions Building

Another sign that tensions are building is that the White House announced, uncharacteristically, that further comments will be coming from this week's private citizen spokesperson, Kippy Pratt, 27, an auto mechanic from Syracuse, NY, the designated PR person that is part of the new White House Media Strategy.

"This is significant," said Mars. "They not waiting for the weekend."

And there are reports that Vice President Cheney's office is at odds with the White House over using Pratt, indicating they would like to keep Katherine Armstrong.

'She's proved already that she can obfuscate with the best of them," said Mars.

Two New Leaks, Fires To Put Out

The White House is refusing comment today that the port security contract was chosen by White House Counsel, Harriet Miers.

Rumors are circulating that President Bush, in an effort to make up to her the lack of support for her Supreme Court nomination, handed off the port security review to Ms. Miers, telling her to "run with it".

Another unconfirmed report says that President Bush will, very soon, issue a pardon to Randy "Duke" Cunningham, the indicted Congressman from California, who pleaded guilty to bribery charges last November, and received a recommended 10-year sentence, and place him as the head of procurement policy at the Office of Management and Budget, a position previously held by David H. Safavian.

Safavian resigned abruptly last September and was arrested and indicted for lying to investigators and obstructing a federal inquiry involving Jack Abramoff.

"If Cheney can't distract the media any longer," said Mars, "might as well throw a new log onto the fire."

Vice President Dick Cheney may be saddling up for another interview of his shooting incident, to take heat off the Bush Administration's awarding a port security contract to a country with terrorist ties

Top Ten Cloves: Ways U.S. Winter Olympic Team Can Win More Gold Medals

10. Send Bode Miller home before the next race

9. Seek rule change to "American Idol-style" voting

8. Make teams facing the Men's Hockey squad play without a goalie

7. See if Karl Rove can come up with smear campaign, so vile, competition weeps and crumbles

6. Plant Mohammad cartoons in other countries' dorms

5. Get Bob Woodward to cover the Games - Results won't appear in newspapers for years

4. Get President Bush to wiretap competition, so they can learn their strategies

3. Start being more like the Democratic National Convention

2. Have Vice President Cheney attend the events - wearing his hunting gear

1. Announce that Dubai Ports World of the United Arab Emirates is taking over Olympic Security

Monday, February 20, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things President Bush Is Daydreaming About On President's Day Holiday

10. I gotta remember to start acting tough, more snippy, push people around - Fred Barnes' book is out now

9. Boy, if I can get through the rest of my term without another hurricane

8. I wonder if they can airbrush, or digitally take me out of those Abramoff photos? … Maybe put Cheney in them?

7. We have a lot in common, so even if he doesn't win any gold medals, I've got to have that Bode Miller kid to the White House

6. I can't do it, I need to get someone in the Senate, I think, to write the resolution to put me on Mt. Rushmore

5. That brother of mine … Wants me to accidentally shoot Cheney quail hunting so I make him VP …

4. Imagine if I could - legally - wiretap anyone I wanted to, without a warrant ...

3. Hmmm … Filling Gitmo up with the White House Press Corps instead of terrorists …

2. I'll bet the people of Iran will greet us like liberators!

1. Maybe I should go back over the PDB's … I don't know why everyone is so worked-up over this port security company sale