Friday, January 13, 2006

Friday 13 January 2006

Breaking News!
Embattled Author Frey Gets DOD Contract

Will Work With Lincoln Group, Splitting Time Between Iraq Propaganda and Bushapalooza

The White House confirmed this morning that embattled author James Frey has been contracted by the Department of Defense and will join with the Lincoln Group, working on writing pro-U.S. articles for insertion in Iraqi media.

It was also disclosed that Frey will join apply his talents to the Bushapalooza: Strategy For A Scandal planned by the White House.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld met with Frey, who has had a whirl-winded week, defending himself against charges that he fabricated portions of his 2005 bestselling memoir, "A Million Little Pieces".

"A Million Little Pieces", Frey's story of addiction and recovery, was the second highest selling book last year, sitting only behind Harry Potter, and was endorsed by the infamous and very influential Oprah Winfrey Book Club.

Frey has been at the center of controversy, after The Smoking Gun, an investigative Web site, conducted a six-week look into Frey's book, and his accounts of arrests, and other events stated by Frey in the memoir. The Smoking Gun disputed Frey's accounts and could not confirm the information that Frey writes what happened.

In an appearance Wednesday evening, on CNN's 'Larry King Live", Frey defended his work.

"I've acknowledged that I changed things," Frey told King. He continued, saying that the events he changed totaled less than 5 percent of the book's content, and were "within the realm of what's appropriate for a memoir."

Sources close to the White House say it was the "Larry King" appearance that brought Frey to the attention of staffers.

"They have teams of people," said the administrative aid, "that do nothing but watch he cable news show, looking for liberal bias, people criticizing the President, Vice President, the policies. Reports go to Rove, Card and the GOP for follow-up, attacks, smear campaigns, and all that. This guy stuck out, apparently."

Frey was flown into the Capital on Thursday, to meet with Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, and others in the DOD. White House Chief of Staff Andy Card was also present in the meeting.

Rumsfeld was, reportedly, "impressed with his ease of skewing facts, and embellishing accounts" and offered Frey the contract to help write the propaganda for the Iraqi Media program.

Card was equally awed with Frey and worked it out with Rumsfeld to pull Frey into the Bushapalooza tour.

Unconfirmed is that Card had Frey sit with Special Counsel Karl Rove. To test Frey, Rove tossed out new smears, on Congressman Jack Murtha, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, Senator Edward Kennedy and others and Frey went "step-for-step" with Rove.

"He even hit a few out of the park." according to sources. "We're not sure Rove liked that."

Both the Department of Defense and the White House had to secure rights from Frey's publisher, Doubleday, and that secondary publishing rights to Frey's writing for the DOD and Bushapalooza, go to Doubleday, once they are declassified.

What sealed the deal, according to the source, was a surprise telephone call to President Bush, from media mogul and talk show host Oprah Winfrey, and who advised the President that Frey can be "inspirational".

"He can be as inspirational as he wants on this job," said the source. "It's the type of work, the more he can embellish, the more he can make up, the better. He'll be working with people that, well, that's all they do."

The White House would not comment if Frey will be writing any of the President's upcoming State of the Union Address.

After seeing him on "Larry King Live", Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld snapped up embattled author James Frey, for the DOD's Iraq Propaganda program.

Top Ten Cloves: Articles Planned For Martha Stewart's New Magazine

10. What To Wear When You Are Being Wiretapped By The U.S. Government

9. How To Spruce Up Your Hurricane-Devastated Home For Under $100

8. Exclusive: Martha's Blueprint For Cashing In On Insider Trading ... And Getting Away With It!

7. Your Government Official Husband Has Been Indicted? Run, Don't Walk To The Nearest Divorce Lawyer

6. Ten Good Prison Tips For Jack Abramoff (Hint, Use Liquid Soap)

5. Celebrity Make-Up Tips with Condoleezza Rice

4. Multitasking During Sex: Is Foreplay A Warm-Up, Or An Item To Check Off?

3. How To Make Your Own Senate Confirmation Hearings From Paper Mache and Lemon Juice

2. Exclusive: "I Got Wasted With Bode Miller - While We Were Skiing"

1. Is It Me, Or Is The Discovery Channel Making Ted Koppel Sexier?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Thursday 12 January 2006

New Charges Surface As Second Princeton Group Claims Alito As Member

UCAP Says Alito With Them; Dem's Struggle With Frustration In Cracking Conservative Nominee

As the Senate Judiciary Committee winds down the third day of hearings on the nomination of Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr. to the United States Supreme Court, a second Princeton University group has claimed the Alito was a member of their organization.

The Unconcerned Alumni of Princeton (UCAP), in a statement released this morning, say the while an undergraduate, and well into his professional career, Alito was a "staunch supporter and active member of UCAP".

"Judge Alito," the statement went on, "has consistently and continually indicate that he could care less about what goes on at Princeton."

Alito was questioned yesterday, about his 1985 job application for a position in the Reagan Administration's Justice Department, his listing membership in CAP - The Concerned Alumni of Princeton.

The Daily Princetonian reported back in November 2005, that "interviews with several alumni who were students in the 1970s paint a picture of Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAP) as a far-right organization funded by conservative alumni committed to turning back the clock on coeducation at the University".

The only CAP member who could be reached by The Daily Princetonian, was Alito supporter, former New Jersey Superior Court judge and Fox News contributor Andrew Napolitano, Class of 1972.

Napolitano defended the group, saying that there is "absolutely no way" it sought to protest coeducation.

According to Napolitano, the organization was committed instead to increasing alumni involvement in Princeton and tempering "the University's anti-traditionalist leftist urges" at a sensitive time in history when the majority of students and faculty were opposed to the Nixon administration's policies, particularly the Vietnam War.

UCAP rose up, after increasing pressure for undergraduates to become more involved in Princeton activities, both while attending and post-graduation, including relentless solicitations for donations to the school.

A spokesperson for UCAP indicated that, over the years, the organization has grown in membership.

"We have, every year, students that just don't give a tiger's ass about the school. We want to accommodate them, give them a place where they can socialize with others who feel the same way, in a safe and non-pressured environment."

So far, in the hearings, Alito has not been questioned about his membership in UCAP.

In a related matter, the Democrats, both those sitting on the Judiciary Committee, as well as those in the House and Senate, are becoming increasing frustrated, and desperate, in their attempts to crack Alito on his views to Roe v. Wade and abortion, Presidential Powers, and his position on race and co-education.

Sources have told The Garlic that the Democrats are "completely freaked out".

"They're beating their brains out to come up with questions." said one Congressional Aide. "They've got their staffs scouring the web, pouring through newspapers and magazines … They're just tearing through anything they can get their hands on."

There are confirmed reports of seeing Trivial Pursuit games strewn about Senator Diane Feinstein's office, with staff members copying questions and answers off the game's cards.

Others have seen a relaxed Senator Joe Biden trying on hats in his office.

Biden, this morning on NBC's "Today" program called the hearings "pointless", saying that they serve no purpose and should be replaced with a straight up or down vote on the nominee.

“The system's kind of broken,” said Biden.

Rumors have circulated that a group of Democratic Congressman and Senators are seeking to have a committee member request, in special Executive Session, to allow Mike Wallace, and other members of "60 Minutes" special access that would allow them to question Alito, in session and for the record.

There have been unconfirmed reports, from a variety of sources, of Senator Ted Kennedy, standing in a Washington D.C. Staples Office Supply Store, "banging and pounding" on a Staples "Easy Button", demanding help from the sales staff on coming up with questions he can ask Alito.

Democrats have the Desperate Housewives standing by in the Senate hallways, questions in-hand, awaiting a ruling from Senate Judiciary Chairman Arlen Specter, that will allow the alluring residents of Wisteria Lane to grill Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, in hopes they can crack the conservative judge

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons NFL Ending Sponsorship of Erectile Dysfunction Drug Levitra

10. Players have been taking home yard makers, strictly, they say, for health reasons

9. Believes, if Samuel Alito is confirmed to Supreme Court, will outlaw the drug so just getting ahead of the curve (so it speak)

8. Discovered, in investigation of that Minnesota Vikings sex party, Levitra was "handed out like candy"

7. Too many dropped passes this year; Management thinks it's related to drugs' possibility of vision impairment

6. It's been too difficult to get NFL logo on the pills

5. Dissatisfied, want touchdown drives that last more that four-hours

4. Team cheerleaders chanting "When the moment is right, will you be ready?" as players come off field after the game

3. Just found out that nickname 'Neon Deon" didn't refer to Sander's play on the field

2. Too many players uncomfortable, seeing huge offensive tackles soaking in side-by-side whirlpools after taking drug

1. Worried will have to give some to Rolling Stones during Super Bowl halftime show and, Lord knows what will happen

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tuesday 10 January 2006

Garlic Exclusive!
White House Calls In Scandal Leaders Of Past For Strategy Session

Watergate, Abscam, Whitewater Figures To Offer Expertise' "All Options Are On The Table"

For the second time in a week, President Bush and the White House have called in and hosted a group of high-powered former government officials - this morning, participants in former Capital Hill scandals - for a detailed briefing and strategy session, concentrating on the myriad of problems circling around the administration.

One of the goals of the session, according to sources close to the administration, was to seek advice and counsel on spinning blame for the growing problems, scandals and indictments facing the Bush Administration, and Republican Party, on to the Democrats and Media.

This follows the surprising, and unusual move by the President last week, of bringing in a number of former Secretaries of State and Defense, as a means of getting feedback on his Iraq War and policies.

Among those attending the meeting this morning included Watergate figures, G. Gordon Liddy, an operative, and former Nixon White House legal counsel John Dean, former Congressman Michael "Ozzie" Myers (D-PA) and Frank Thompson (D-NJ), convicted in Abscam, former Senator Larry Pressler (R-SD), who was approached for a bribe in Abscam and but refused to accept it, and Clinton friends James McDougal and Susan McDougal, as well as Clinton White House counsel Webster Hubbel, who were all involved in the Whitewater scandal.

Former chairman, Committee on Ways and Means Chairman Dan Rostenkowski (D-IL) was invited, but could not attend. Presently, there are no scandals or charges pending against anyone for stealing stamps.

As with last week's meeting of former Secretaries of State and Defense, huddling with the participants of past crimes and misdemeanors is another element in the aggressive public relations push by the Bush and the White House, and is another tool in the "Bushapalooza: Strategy For A Scandal" announced last week.

White House Press Secretary said in a briefing that "the President was very pleased with the meeting this morning."

"As with last weeks' group, these are good solid Americans who understand that we've got to succeed now that we're in these scandals. The President is most grateful for the suggestions they've given and takes to heart the advice.''

White House and Bush stenographer Bob Woodward, author and Washington Post reporter, was in attendance, at the special invitation of President Bush

"I think,: offered Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf', "the White House staff talked the President into inviting Bob. Chances are he'll write a book on this and there'll be a positive spin for the President … They're looking to write, or burnish, his history … If the can rewrite it on-the-fly, all the better …"

Varicator could not confirm if Woodward was writing or reporting on the meeting, or if he intended to sit on the story for two-years.

Woodward could not be reached for comment, and is said to be in continued talks with moving to The New York Times, who have already stated that they would allow him to sit on stories.

The group overwhelmingly approved blaming the media as much as possible. They are said to support the jailing of journalists who hold to protecting sources, mainly because "it ties up the case in court for months, even possibly, years".

An agenda page leaked to The Garlic, scheduled was a 15-minute discussion on indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff. The President was seeking input on how to shift this from a Republican scandal, over to the Democrats.

According to a source that was familiar with the meeting notes, the President already had statements from Congressman Tom DeLay, denouncing Abramoff, citing his innocence and "pointing the finger at Democrats and overzealous prosecutors".

There was one tense and terse moment in the meeting, coming when John Dean, jailed for his role in the Watergate scandal, suggested resignation to President Bush.

Bush is said to have been upset with the suggestion, and had Vice President Dick Cheney swear at and berate Dean.

"Dean argued," according to the source, "that, to be fair, all options have to be on the table"

At one point, the meeting was interrupted, when Alexander Haig, former Secretary of State during the Reagan Administration, and who attended last week's special meeting, popped in to see if he was needed to "be in charge".

Members of the Lincoln Group were also at the meeting, and served as facilitators at one point, according to the agenda, when the members of the meeting broke into smaller groups, to brainstorm specific scenarios on placing the blame for the scandals away from the Bush Administration.

The Lincoln Group staffers recorded the ideas from the groups and will later provide the White House with press releases and copy they could plant in the media.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich closed the meeting, with a motivational speech and his own suggestion, of having the White House and Republican Leaders craft a "Contract For America II".

Gingerich led a Republican takeover of Congress in 1994 with his "Contract For America", as its' platform, Gingrich was eventually hit with ethics charges of his own and was subsequently forced from his leadership position.

Gingerich allegedly told the meeting members that "Contract For America II" should allow for "extramarital affairs", citing that "in the post-Clinton world of politics, sex scandals don't last more then a few news cycles".

Reports that the Bush Administration, and the NSA have "lost track" of who they are wiretapping, have President Bush retreating to Air Force One each evening, to make his telephone calls from a secure line

Top Ten Cloves: How Andy Rooney Would Spend $20-Million, Instead Of Giving It To Katie Couric

10. Buy a Hummer, but leave it in the driveway all the time … Just to show off to the neighbors

9. Put it in a bank that still appreciates customers, and gives toasters or Green Stamps for making deposits

8. Hire someone to catalog all those little pieces of paper with scribbling that one accumulates

7. Maybe buy a hot air balloon, like Richard Branson, except he can't get on a little step ladder without getting vertigo

6. Might go into work late one day … Just because he can

5. Can finally afford to get the ol' eyebrows trimmed a little

4. Complain to the tellers when they don't put those little paper bands around his cash

3. Will consider breaking down and buying first color television set

2. Put down payment on sending his ashes into space … Not that anyone up there would want them, or have use for them

1. Grab Bob Schieffer and go out and really tie one on

Monday, January 09, 2006

Monday 9 January 2006

White House Meets With Robertson; Plan Video Blitz

Controversial Minister To Produce Al Qaeda-type Videos, Promising Death and Destruction, To Counter Bin Laden's

While distancing themselves from his most recent, over-the-top remarks, the White House confirmed a meeting with televangelist Pat Robertson that laid out plans for a new video blitz on the War on Terror, featuring the controversial and outspoken minister.

As a new element added to his Strategy For Victory In Iraq, President Bush, and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld met for three hours in the Oval Office on Friday with the Robertson. The goal of the meeting, sources told The Garlic, was to see if the minister would employ his right-wing rhetoric for the U.S. Military.

"They've seen the success, the wide play in media of all those Al Qaeda videos, from Osama Bin Laden, or whoever is the Number Two guy that week" said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em'.

The most recent video from Al Qaeda came on January 6th, when No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahri called the United States' decision to withdraw some troops from Iraq represented "the victory of Islam" and called on Muslims to attack oil sites

"And, the administration is already on record with paying of stories, spiking the media over there."

Recently, on his religious news and variety show,"The 700 Club", broadcast on the Christian Broadcasting Network, It's Robertson said that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land."

"God considers this land to be his. You read the Bible and he says `This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, `No, this is mine.'"

Last August, Robertson caused an uproar when he suggested that the U.S. Government should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

"It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop," he said.

In November, Robertson chastised the citizens of Dover, PA, when after voting out of office an entire school board who attempt to introduce the controversial Intelligent Design philosophy - the belief that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power, as an alternative to the theory of evolution - into the town's school curriculum.

"I'd like to say," warned Robertson, " to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network's "700 Club".

"Rumsfeld sees this guy as an asset," said Larson. "He loves the guy and can't wait to get him going, and lobbying back to Al Qaeda the same kind of propaganda."

According to a senior staff official close to the program, Robertson will begin taping diatribes in the "next few weeks.

He will wear some type of religious or ecumenical wardrobe, and there will be a gun or rifle placed to one side of him, the American flag to the other.

To help fund and pay for the broadcasts, the Administration has been soliciting sponsors, as well as juicing vendors and large donors.

"Some of the guns that will be used will come from present military contractors," said the official, "some will come from the private collections of big donors. They just started putting the word out and there's already a waiting list."

It's not clear what will be in background of Robertson as he rants and raves.

Sources say there's been a split inside the White House, from going with a plain, stark background, or, opening it up to corporate sponsors.

The number of videos produced and broadcast has not been released. Robertson will be authorized to improvise, and some copy will come from a collaboration between Robertson's "700 Club" staff and the Washington, D.C. public relations firm, the Lincoln Group, who is already under contract with the Defense Department, to produce news articles for Iraqi media.

"He's going to have talking points to hit," said Larson, "but he'll be free to rain down some fire-and-brimstone as well."

The State Department, with Secretary Condoleezza Rice leading the way, has been selling the broadcast to as wide a range of outlets that they can, in Europe, Asia and the Middle East, including Arab television network Aljazeera. The administration is also working on agreements with Google, Apple, Yahoo and TIVO, for the downloading and rebroadcast rights.

'If they get the ducks in a row," says Larson, "you'll be able to watch these things on your cell phone."

'There's some talks for them holding back, until after the State of the Union, and run with them for the February Sweeps," said Paula Malady, a analyst for the think tank "All Things Terror", which specializes in Middle East affairs. 'They want to really get a big bang out of this."

It's not clear if Robertson will be featured, or join with the "Bushapalooza: Strategy For A Scandal" announced last week by the White House.

'They haven't finished vetting him yet," speculated Larson. 'If he's been in bed with Abramoff, you won't see him with the President, on tour."

The "700 Club" host Pat Robertson speaks with reporters, following a White House meeting in which the outspoken televangelist agreed to become the "Voice of Doom" in the Bush Administration's War On Terror.

Breaking News! 9 January 2006

West Wing Actor Sheen Diagnosed With MS

Cast Looking At Curse; Whitford Said To Start Wearing Bulletproof Vest

Another bombshell has hit the award-winning television show, "The West Wing", following the sudden death last month of actor John Spencer, as it was announced that Martin Sheen, who portrays President Josiah Bartlet, has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

A veteran actor, of both television and movies, Sheen's character of President Bartlet also suffers from MS, which has provided a running theme on the NBC Emmy-winning program. It was well into the shows run that it was disclosed the President had the disease, causing political problems for himself and his staff.

Spencer, who played Chief of Staff Leo McGarry, suffered a fatal heart attack on December 16th. On "The West Wing", McGarry also suffered a heart attack, forcing him to resign from his position. In recent episodes, McGarry has returned to action, as the Vice Presidental running mate of Matt Santos, played by Jimmy Smits.

Following the holidays, 'The West Wing" returned to new episodes last evening and, ironically, in the opening moments, Martin Sheen, out of character, speaking directly into the camera, announced the death of Spencer and how the upcoming months would showcase the actors' talents.

In the episode, titled "Running Mates", Spencer, as Vice Presidential nominee Leo McGarry, prepares and performs in the campaigns' first and only Vice Presidents Debate. McGarry worries the staff with horrible performances during the pre-debate preparation, but then goes out and executes his position flawlessly.

While no official comment has come from the producers of the program, Hollywood insiders say that they are "very upset".

"There's been talk of a curse," said one veteran Hollywood agent.

Unconfirmed rumors have been circulating that Bradley Whitford, who plays Santos Campaign Director Josh Lyman, has taken to wearing a bulletproof vest.

In the opening episodes of Season Two of "The West Wing", a two-part drama titled "In The Shadow of Two Gunman", Lyman, then President Bartlet's Communications Director, was wounded in an assassination attempt on Presidential Aide Charlie Young.

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Ted Koppel Moving To Discovery Channel

10. Hoping Bush invades Iran; Itching to say again "America In Crisis, Day One …"

9. Look in Discovery Channel Store for new, educational jigsaw puzzle of Koppel's hair

8. Two Words: Koppel Chopper

7. Broadcasts from jungle; Because of tight production budgets, may have to share set with Animal Planet

6. ABC has copyright, so new program will be called 'When It's Dark Out Line"

5. Holy Shit! Just discovered he resigned from ABC!

4. Getting extra money to have shark as co-host

3. Could still jump to HBO; Offering he can star in second season of "Rome"

2. Since he's on cable now, doesn't have to wear pants when anchoring

1. First three-hour, hard-hitting special will examine Anderson Cooper's emotions

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 8 January 2006

In a new USA Today/VH1 survey poll, over 74% of the respondents believe that a microphone stand weighs more than actress Lindsay Lohan

Federal prosecutors in the Jack Abramoff case said that their investigation was aided greatly by the discovery of those that took payoffs and bribes were constantly followed by giant $10-bills

"But Reverand, couldn't I just say that the Higher Father told me to conduct the wiretaps?"

In a new report today, The New York Times says that the the Bush Administration and NSA went beyond wiretaps, eavesdropping and reading of emails by sending out teams of investigators to major sporting and entertainment events to read and record license plate numbers

Television personality and NBC weatherman Al Roker, in an interview to be published in 'Better Health Magazine', and with the release of a new Al Roker Bobblehead doll, attributed a recent weight loss to his cutting down on the consumption of soccer balls

Following the lead of the recording industry in going after copyright violaters, the International Association of Crystal Ball Gazers said they are begining to clamp down on "those that download without proper authorization, visions of the future or that channel and talk with deceased persons" targeting gypsys, tarrot card readers and friends of Nancy Reagan