Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 4 February 2006

An Inspector General's report is critical of the White House, for their pilfering of a State Department's Wide Screen Satellite Monitor, used for live link-ups with ambassadors and envoys overseas, in order for President Bush and other staff members to watch this weekend's Super Bowl


Bullfighting fans are calling for action, as they say the sport have become "a joke" with the rise in use of steroids by matadors


















Fox News Host and Westwood Radio personality Bill O'Reilly has unveiled his new "Talking Points Memo Loofa Hat", available in different colors and only at his on-line store.

O'Reilly says all profits will go towards "fighting the scurrilous attacks on me by Keith Olbermann and MSNBC"


Actor Jon Voight has received a "cease-and-desist" letter from the Vatican, directing the actor to "stop walking around, saying your the Pope, offering to perform miracles, and selling sainthoods"

Voight recently portrayed Pope John Paul II in a television movie
















The FAA is looking into charges that airlines are filling in unused seats with the transportation of deceased persons, in what one inspector says could be a scheme of trading "bodies for jet fuel"


U2 founder and world activist Bono called a press conference this week to express his "profound disappointment" with being "red-carded" and banned from the upcoming 2006 World Cup tournament

Friday 3 February 2006

Bush Prepares "Brand New Strategy For Victory", Changing, Again, Reasons For Iraq War

New Downing Street Memos, Iraqi Historians Force White House To Give "Something That Will Stick"

The White House this morning, in a hastily called press conference, announced that they will soon release a "Brand New Strategy For Victory In Iraq", coming in the wake of news reports that a new, Downing Street memo shows President Bush and British Prime Minister discussing the invasion of Iraq earlier that previously stated.

In the report, appearing in the British newspaper, The Guardian, as well as on a British television station Channel 4 News, Prime Minister Blair is alleged to have told Bush in January 2003 he was "solidly behind" U.S. plans for military action, despite the continuing negotiations going in in the United Nations, for a second resolution calling for Saddam Hussein to disarm.

The new memo is said to be a record of a meeting between Bush and Blair, at the White House, on 31 January, 2003.

White House Press Secretary refused comment on the report, and, ignoring follow-up questions, defended President Bush's "Terrorist Surveillance Program".

"As the President said on Tuesday, during his State of the Union Address," said McClellan, "Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy. We face real threats and the President is taking courageous actions to protect the citizens of the United States so that we are not hit again."

McClellan refused to say what the "Brand New Strategy For Victory In Iraq" would be, but that would be "comprehensive and detailed". McClellan did say that the new plan would not "carry any second-guessing of the first Strategy For Victory In Iraq".

"Our plans have been very solid," said McClellan, "and even the Iraqi media has indicated such."

McClellan refused to clarify his remark, if it was independent Iraqi media that was endorsing President Bush's plans, or if it was the Lincoln Group and Department of Defense-generated media that was doing so.

McClellan did confirm that the "Brand New Strategy For Victory In Iraq" would be incorporated into the Bushapalooza Tour, "right away".

The Garlic has also learned through sources, that the new Iraqi Parliament has been pressuring the Bush White House "for the real reason" of invading and occupying the country, as they want to get there official historians busy and start writing the recent events for posterity.

""We need answers," says one Iraqi politician, who spoke on background only. "They give us many answers on why and then keep changing them. We ask many times to give us something that we can stick to."

The new memo claims that President Bush told Prime Minister Blair that "the diplomatic strategy had to be arranged around the military planning."

So far, the Bush Administration has suggested the reasons to invade Iraq were that the Iraqi's were behind the September 11th attacks, the claims of Weapons of Mass Destruction, further claims that Saddam was planning on building nuclear weapons and ultimately settled on that Iraq is the center of terrorism for the world.

President Bush, in the January meeting with Blair, was searching for a reason to go to war with Saddam, confiding to Mr. Blair that he "hoped" an Iraqi defector would step forward and could "give a public presentation about Saddam's weapons of mass destruction". President Bush also suggested to Blair that there was a possibility Saddam would be assassinated.

Perhaps one of President Bush's more, far-reaching plans to goad Saddam into was his consideration of "flying U2 reconnaissance aircraft with fighter cover over Iraq, painted in U.N. colors."

Minority Senate Leader, Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) said that "the pieces of the puzzle are coming together".

"We can see now, why the President pushed so hard to place John Bolton in the United Nations. He likely wanted him there to start a 'Paint-For-War' scheme. Who better than Bolton to brow-beat some U.N. maintenance man to give him the barrels of paint."

McClellan, responding to a question, if the 'Brand New Strategy For Victory In Iraq' was meant to give the President a a bounce in the poll, which currently show that 52-percent of Americans believe the Bush administration intentionally misled the public in making its case for war in Iraq, said;

"The President doesn't goven by polls. There is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure."

McClellan refused to comment on rumors that, as the Administration rolls out it's "Brand New Strategy For Victory In Iraq", staff members are already working on "An Even Newer - And Better - Strategy For Victory In Iraq".

British Prime Minister Tony Blair said today that "he's ready to rock" with President Bush's "Brand New Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Scooter Libby Is Happy With Trial Date Set For Next January

10. Another year of Bush Environmental Policies and Global Warming, DC could be flooded or snowed in next January

9. Gets to spend, at least, one more Christmas at home

8. If Republicans can hold the Congress in Fall elections, has a shot at getting case thrown out

7. Can campaign to get his book in Oprah's Book Club, go on Oprah and get public support behind him

6. Figures jurors will be in a good mood after the holidays

5. Confident Dick Cheney will now launch "New Strategy For Victory In Scooter Libby Case" plan

4. Has almost a full year to bury Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald in evidence requests that are classified documents

3. NSA has more time to sift through wiretaps on Prosecutor Fitzgerald and Libby's lawyer Ted Wells can plan better defense

2. White House has time to delete even more emails

1. Time to go out, get an iPod, play it really loud to damage his hearing and then claim he's too disabled to stand trial

Thursday 2 February 2006

White House Besieged With Would-Be Energy Inventors As Bush Backtracks From Pledge

All Looking To Cash In On President's New Energy Initiative - If Only President Meant It

Hundreds, to thousands of would-be inventors have descended into Washington, D.C. this morning, and are camping out in front of the White House, all hoping to get President Bush's attention.

The reason? They all have gadgets, theories and prototypes that will, they say, help America break it's dependence on foreign, imported oil. To use President Bush's words, they want to be part of the team to "break the addiction".

The inventors, men, woman, children, young and old, have been pouring into the city, despite the news today that President Bush really didn't mean it, when he made the energy statements in his State of the Union Address on Tuesday evening.

In his address, President Bush pledged to "move beyond a petroleum-based economy and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past."

However, today, according to his Energy Secretary, Samuel Bodman, what the President said was "was purely an example".

According to Knight Ridder, asked why the president used the words "the Middle East" when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that "every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands." The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Additionally, Knight Ridder reported that "Presidential adviser Dan Bartlett made a similar point in a briefing before the speech, saying "I think one of the biggest concerns the American people have is oil coming from the Middle East. It is a very volatile region."

Both Secretary Hubbard, and Alan Hubbard, the director of the president's National Economic Council, took part in a press conference, via telephone, yesterday, where they laid out the path on which the President could back out of his pledge.

The New York Times is reporting that Bush's call to "break the addiction" to oil may have upset Saudi Arabia, reporting that "in an interview on Wednesday, the Saudi ambassador to Washington, Prince Turki al-Faisal, said he would have to ask Mr. Bush's office "what he exactly meant by that."

The Bush Administration is already mending fences with the Saudis, after yesterday's "riot in Riyadh", following the President alluding in his State of the Union Address that Saudi Arabia was taking steps to switch over to being a democracy.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, when questioned about the President backing away from his announced energy pledge, indicated that he could not comment on it.

"This, as many of you may know," said McClellan, "crossed over into areas of Vice President Dick Cheney's Secret Energy Meetings, and those records are classified and private."

McClellan indicated that the White House would have no more comments on the President's backtracking from his energy pledge but that he does understand that "the Lincoln Group and James Frey may be working on something".

The politics of the President, and his administration, hasn't dampened the spirit of the would be inventors.

Folding chairs and rickety card tables are lining Pennsylvania Avenue, in front of, and near, the White House. With Bunsen burners ablaze, and faded and rusted Gilbert Chemistry Sets from their youth opened, many are eager to tell anyone about their solution to the country's dependence on oil.

"I have the easiest formula of all," said Jackson Hosteler, from Maple Grove, MN. "I can't give it to you by the main, active ingredient is Spam."

Hosteler indicated that he has been forced to have a local restauranteur order the industrial-sized cans, after the local supermarkets banned him, for emptying their stock of Spam.

Curtis Madison pulled into the nation's capital on his modified, solar-powered dogsled, using Sony's now discontinued robot dog, Aibo. Madison claims his dogsled can gain speeds of 30-35 MPH and "certainly enough power and speed to run errands around town".

While the atmosphere around the inventors is peaceful, even festive, as some debate their solutions with others, three inventors have been arrested by the Capital Police, for wearing Cindy Sheehan t-shirts.

Even television and retail queen Martha Stewart showed up in Washington, DC today, trying to promote her "Pumkin Power" plan to President Bush

Top Ten Cloves: Things You Can Wear That Will Get You Arrested By The Capital Police

10. A black hat and trench coat, ala Jack Abramoff

9. That duck, or whatever-it-was, dress of Bjork's

8. Any kind of suit or outfit made from salami

7. Groucho Marx glasses and nose

6. Dennis Rodman's wedding dress

5. Loofahs (Note: Bill O'Reilly has a waiver)

4. Leather bustier (but only if Justin Timberlake is around)

3. Anything close to resembling Michael Moore

2. Like the gay cowboy from 'Brokeback Mountain'

1. As a compassionate Conservative (though, likely, the Capital Police won't recognize you)

Wednesday 1 February 2006

Breaking News!
Bush Administration To Tap Punxsutawney Phil To Bolster Foreign Policy

Gobbler's Knob Appearance Tomorrow Will Be Last For Famous Prognosticator

With the negotiations going late into the evening, and not clear enough to announce in the President's State of the Union Address last night, the White House announced this morning that the famous, prognosticating groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, will join the White House staff, working to bolster Foreign Policy decisions.

"We've been caught too many times by surprises," offered White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett, "we had to do something to get back on track."

Punxsutawney Phil will report to Washington on Thursday, following his final appearance at Gobbler's Knobb, for, at least, the next few years, to offer this years' prediction on how long winter will last.

The town of Punxsutawney, PA hosts, what has now become an Internationally-celebrated event, Groundhog Day, depicted hilariously in the 1993 film of the same title, starring Bill Murray.

"We feel fortunate that we were able to get Punxsutawney Phil," said Bartlett. "He's got great media recognition and a long, long record of being accurate with his prognostications. We can certainly use some of that to better our policy decisions.

Since taking office in 2000, the Bush Administration has been saddled with a bevy of "surprises".

First was the missed signals of the deadly September 11th attacks.

This was followed by the "faulty intelligence" that led the country into invading Iraq, and yet, more surprises when the U.S. Troops were not greeted as liberators and Iraq quickly degenerated into looting and chaos.

More disappointment followed when the Weapons of Mass Destruction could not be found, Osama bin Laden could not be found and, after Vice President Dick Cheney declared the Iraqi Insurgency to be in "it's final throes" last year, all indications are that the insurgency has gotten stronger.

More unexpected news came, when the Administration, first, were surprised by the strength of Hurricane Katrina, then, even more shocked when the levees burst, flooding the city of New Orleans. The Administration also seemed taken aback, when New Orleans, as well as other areas in the Gulf Coast, expected the Federal Government to come to their aid.

And it the Bush White House thought that being caught off-guard was behind them, 2006 brought the news of the terrorist group Hamas, winning the majority of seats in the recent Palestinian elections.

"We fully expect Punxsutawney Phil to start reversing this trend," said Bartlett.

Bartlett indicated the Punxsutawney Phil will work "primarily, on foreign policy" but will also be employed "to use his expertise of some domestic issues".

Bartlett would not comment if the Bush Administration plans on using Punxsutawney Phil to prognosticate on the outcome of the pending NSA Wiretapping court cases, if President Bush will be declared as having violated the law.

Punxsutawney Phil will be expected to assist President Bush with choosing the right doors

State of Union Fiasco

Saudi Arabia In Chaos Over Bush Remarks; Millions Pour Into Riyadh To Protest Loss of Kingdom

Country At Standstill, Gridlock; Calls For New Referendum To Decide Own Fate; "Don’t Want To Be Another Iraq"

As the sun rose in Saudi Arabia this morning, millions of Saudi were pouring into the capital of Riyadh, to protest what they believe was a "sellout", following President Bush's remarks during his State of the Union Address, where he alluded to the Saudi Kingdom switching over to democracy.

This caught the monarchy by surprise, as they scrambled to get security in place to protect King and Prime Minister Abdallah bin Abd al-Aziz Al Saud and other members of the Royal Family.

The protests, while very vocal, have been peaceful, with calls for the King Abdallah to reaffirm that Saudi Arabia is, indeed, still a kingdom.

Al-Jazeera is reporting that officials estimate the crowd to be "around two-million".

'We don't want to be another Iraq," offered one protester.

In his State of the Union Address last evening, to a joint session of Congress, President Bush extolled on the spread of democracy and freedom in the Middle East., citing up front, the early success of transforming Iraq, from dictatorship, to democracy.

"In 1945, there were about two dozen lonely democracies in the world. Today there are 122," said the President. "At the start of 2006, more than half the people of our world live in democratic nations."

"Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal: We seek the end of tyranny in our world."

It was his passage, citing Saudi Arabia, that has caused the uproar.

"Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps of reform. Now it can offer its people a better future by pressing forward with those efforts."

Back in 2005, in a speech to the National Defense University

The State Department offered no comment on the President's statement, and declined to answer questions if this signaled a shift in policy, or if the President was setting a new foreign policy agenda.

There are unconfirmed reports the Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was being dispatched to Saudi Arabia, but State Department officials there called it off, not wanting to enflame the situation.

"If not sure what that was," offered veteran independent foreign correspondent, Huntley Haverstock Jr.

"It, kind of, comes out of leftfield … It was more like a rock concert, giving a 'Presidential shout out, to my good friends in the kingdom' kind of thing."

The office for King Abdallah has issued statements throughout the morning, telling his citizens that "nothing has changed", and urging them to return to their homes.

A spokesperson for the monarchy said that President Bush's remarks "were not cleared with us"

"We had no warning, no notice," said the spokesperson. 'If, by chance, we were switching over to being a democratic republic, we certainly would work with the Bush Administration. They've had so many surprises with events in this part of the world, we wouldn't want to add to that."

Axis of Evil Update

Axis of Evil Update
It's Sheehan; Anti-War Mom Makes Axis of Evil List

Down To Minutes Before Speech, Sheehan Arrested, Removed From House Chamber

Anit-War protest mom Cindy Sheehan has made President Bush's Axis of Evil List, after weeks of agonizing research by the White House.

It is Sheehans' first appearance on the list and, she is the first individual person to make the cut.

As reported reported by The Garlic last week, the White House was struggling with the 2006 Axis of Evil List.

Iraq was being decertified, now with their switch to the administration's vision of a functioning democracy, with a small ceremony held before the President's State of the Union Address last evening.

Iran and North Korea, once again, maintained there placement on the list, and, the White House announced, for the first time in his term, the President was allowing individual persons or corporations to be ellligible.

Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, speculated that if could come down to minutes for the speech for the White House to complete the list and that's almost exactly what played out.

In Washington yesterday, for the "People's State of the Union Address", Ms. Sheehan was given a ticket to the speech by California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey.

Ms. Sheehan had been wearing a "Killed In Action" t-shirt, that read :2245 Dead.

After taking her seat in the balcony of the House Chamber, Ms. Sheehan, as she was removing her jacket, was declared by House Security as a "protester" and quickly, and roughly, hustled out of the chamber, to be handcuffed and booked.

While the President did not directly speak about his Axis of Evil, he did make references to Iran and North Korea.

It was only in a press release, following the President's Address, that the White House released the 2006 Axis of Evil List and Ms. Sheehan was listed as the third member.

"I'm not confident she'll remain on the list for very long," said Martins. We [Axis of Evil Illustrated] are not endorsing it. I'm pretty sure the PNAC doesn't have any plans involving her. It's a reach to place her on it. It's a sign the Bush people are losing focus.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At President Bush's State of the Union Address

10. Are we missing American Idol tonight?

9. I'm surprised Cheney is here … Thought he'd sit this out and watch it from his Secret Bunker

8. Is Alito wearing Sandra Day O'Connor's robe?

7. Don't look now, I think Kerry is going to try to filibuster the speech

6. What do you want to bet the Frist has already loaded up on energy company stocks

5. Boy, Tim Kaine giving the Democrat's response ... Man, his wiretaps will have wiretaps

4. It doesn't matter tonight … For what's said, it might as well be James Frey up there talking

3. I got my staffers on-line right now, banging away at making entries in Wikipedia on the speech in real-time

2. When is Santorum going to introduce the legislation to ban gay cowboy movies?

1. Did Bush clear the "addicted to oil" thing with Cheney?

Tuesday 31 January 2006

White House Fiercely Divided; VP Cheney Wants State of Union Address Kept Private

Team of VP Lawyers Prepare Emergency Court Petition; Bush Wanting To Lay Out New Conservative Agenda

Sources tell The Garlic that a fierce battle is raging on today, inside the White House, as Vice President Dick Cheney is, forcefully, challenging President Bush to keep the State of the Union Address private.

Cheney pushed Senate Leader Bill Frist to confirm Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito "first thing in the morning" so the new conservative judge can be sworn in in time to hear the Vice President's emergency petition to keep the State of the Union private, under Executive Privilege.

Alito was confirmed, by a 58-42 vote and quickly sworn in as the 110th Supreme Court Justice, the oath was administered by Chief Justice John Roberts at the justices' conference room at the Supreme Court building about 12:40 p.m

Alito, as it became clear in his confirmation hearings is an advocate for far-reaching executive powers.

Cheney and his staff "relentless"

'This is as bad as I've ever seen it," said one White House aide. "The VP's people are like pit bulls … They've been relentless."

Cheney has, for most of the tenure of the Bush Administration, been at the lead for unfettered, supreme executive privilege. The Vice President successfully defended keeping his 2002 Energy Meeting notes, when Cheney and other Bush White House staff, met with the CEO's of the nation's energy companies, to lay out the administration's policies.

In early 2001, Vice President Cheney headed a task forces that met with over 400 people, from corporations, trade associations, environmental groups and labor unions, to devise a new energy policy for the nation. The task force report recommended, among other things, more drilling for oil and gas.

Cheney, and the White House, since May of 2001, steadily refused the General Accounting Office for the notes and details of the meetings, before going to court to sue the Administration for them.

Cheney, it is also speculated, was behind the outing of CIA Agent Valerie Plame, with his Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby" currently under indictment. Cheney may also be the forces behind President Bush authorizing warrentless wiretaps and eavesdropping on American citizens.

'The Vice President is going to go down, swinging and punching for executive privilege," said Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black').

"He's dead set on not letting anything out. Absolutely no way," added Earl.

Sources say it's not clear where Attorney General Alberto Gonzales sits in this battle.

Cheney has his lawyers readying an emergency petition to keep the State of the Union Address private, and will need the Justice Department to file it.

Gonzales has been a staunch supporter of President Bush, and his policies on the torture of captured terrorists, and the warranties wiretapping of U.S. Citizens.

"Alberto has been riding Bush's coattails, going back to the early nineties, in Texas," says Earl. "He's not about to change jackets at this point in time."

Article II (Section 3) of the Constitution mandates the President to give a "report" to Congress, but doesn't specify that it has to be, live, in person, before a joint session of Congress.

"He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient."

In 1801, Thomas Jefferson was the first President to submit his in writing, and that practice held until 1913, when Woodrow Wilson chose to deliver his in person.

Calvin Coolidge, in 1923, became the first president to have his State of the Union address broadcast on radio and Harry Truman, in 1947, was the first televised State of the Union Address, the phrase coined by Franklin D. Roosevelt, in 1935.

Bush To Lay Out New, Visionary Agenda, with Intelligent Design and Private Wiretaps

Sources tell The Garlic that President Bush is eager to lay out a "new, visionary" agenda, thumping back to conservative values.

Bush is ready to dig in to the "Intelligent Design" issue, merging it with conservatism, and announce that he will sign an Executive Order to place the reference of "God" more times inside the Pledge of Allegiance.

And, dovetailing that with mandating, by Federal law, that a monument or statue of the Ten Commandments must be placed as close to the American flag on Federal property and, expanding out to "any institution that receives Federal funding".

"They want a fight on this one," says Earl. "They want someone to take this to court. They have Alito and Roberts on-board now and they are just itching for someone to take it up the ladder."

The President will also defend his use of wiretaps and eavesdropping, with a ambitious new announcement.

Using some elements of his rejected Social Security overhaul, the President will announce a new "Private Wiretap Account", so that "any average citizen can have access to any NSA files created on them".

The President will also announce is 2006 Axis of Evil List, and, as reported last week by The Garlic, it's very likely the final list will be written, perhaps, just minutes before the address, as there is still much debate going on as to who's in and who's out.

"Look for him to throw a bone to the PNAC," says Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em'.

"He'll be pushing the fear button a few times, making some vague references to a threat from this one, weapons of mass destruction held by that one. He'll have a new crop of seeds for democracy he'll be wanting to plant. I wouldn't be surprised if the PNAC, recovering from blowing the Hamas election, already has some new plans that the President can launch."

"Let just say, added Larson, "you don't, necessarily, want to be making any investments in Iran or Syria over the next two-years."














Vice President Dick Cheney is far from giving up, as he battles today with President Bush to keep the State of the Union Address private

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Oscar Nominations This Morning

10. How many more years, you think, before Oscar Night is totally digital and we can all stay home?

9. Anybody hear about the conservatives running another "Justice Sunday" on March 5th?

8. We'll probably have to endure Phoenix and Witherspoon singing live that night

7. I think it's pretty cruel, making all the former child actor stars have chaperones … You think the academy would change the rules

6. With all the gay movies nominated, maybe they should get Jeff Gannon to be the host this year, instead of Jon Stewart

5. Christ, Clooney's head is so big now, they can strap a camera on it and get arial shots of the red carpet

4. Any truth that Bush is going to get a special Oscar, for Best Performance of a Lying President In A Supporting Role?

3. I heard that everyone that gets nominated this year gets a scrambler for their phones to beat the NSA wiretapping

2. Hustle & Flow - is that a movie or something to do with Vice President Dick Cheney?

1. Is it true this year, the Oscar statues is going to come with Google Ads running down its' right side?

Monday 30 January 2005

Breaking News!
Enron Trial May Face Delay, As White House Mulls New Court Appointments

Team Enron Being Considered For Federal Judgeships By Bush; Critics Fear Could Derail Case

Rumors flooded Houston, Texas this morning, as jury selection is beginning for the long-awaited criminal trial of former Enron Corp. executives Kenneth L. Lay and Jeffrey K. Skilling.

Together, the two former executives of the now bankrupt energy company, face over thee-dozen charges of fraud and conspiracy, including lying to investors about the state of the company's finances. Lay and Skilling, as well as other Enron executives, enriched themselves with millions-of-dollars in stock sales, leaving investors, and the company's employees with catastrophic losses.

It was leaked this morning that the White House, this weekend, sent signals and have set up a meeting with the federal prosecutors in the case, dubbed "Team Enron", to discuss possible elevation to federal judgeships.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, along with White House Chief of Staff are said, according to sources close to the case, are to fly to Houston today to talk with Assistant U.S. Attorney Sean M. Berkowitz, director of the Justice Department's Enron Task Force, as well as Kathryn H. Ruemmler, John C. Hueston and Cliff Stricklin.

This longcomes on the heels of President Bush nominating to the federal bench last week, Jack Abramoff chief prosecutor Noel L. Hillman, also head of the Justice Department's Public Integrity Division.

Mr. Hillman has been the driving force, as well as deeply involved in the day-to-day management of the Abramoff investigation since it began almost two year ago.

Along with getting a guilty plea from Abramoff, Hillman has also indicted a fformer senior White House budget official, David H. Safavian.

With both Abramoff and Safavian cooperating with the federal prosecutors, speculation is strong that other indictments will soon follow, possibly of members of Congress and other White House and public officials, who are under suspicion and investigation for taking bribes and gifts for cooperation with lobbyists and special interests to influence official policies and legislation.

Critics charge that the Hillman appointment was designed to impede the Abramoff Investigation, and with long-documented ties between the Bush White House and Enron executives, fears are running that the White House is attempting to derails the trial.

"If they can land Team Enron, probably on a the Appellate Court level," says Daria Pannesi, editor of 'In The Loot', the newsletter for high tech dollar traders, including energy futures, "this could bring the case against Lay and Skilling to a screeching halt."

Sources close to the White House have told The Garlic that the Bush Administration has a new, "Court Scandal Damper" group, modeled after their "WHIG", or "White House Iraq Group"Medal of Freedom award."

Right-wing commentator Ann Coulter's comments, about poisoning Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has forced the White House to launch a new "Crème Brulee Surveillance Program"

News In Brief 30 January 2006

White House Calls Coulter On The Carpet; "Poison" Remarks Force Increase In HSD Budget

Bush Says "Reports Giving Secrets To Our Enemies"; Food Tasters, New Chefs Need To Be Brought In For High Court

The White House today denied reports that they were engaged "warranties poisoning" and announced that reporting the remarks by Universal Press Syndicate columnist and right-wing pundit Ann Coulter"may be giving secrets to our enemies".

"This is shameful," said President Bush, in an official White House Press Release.

"Publishing and promoting the ways we may get more opportunities to stock the Supreme Courts is an act of irresponsibility. It gives knowledge and aid to our enemies," added the President.

Officially, the White House is directing the Justice Department, and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to launch an investigation into the matter.

This includes calling Coulter into the White House, for what Chief of Staff Andy Card characterized as "a serious sit-down".

"Ann has done a tremendous job for us, assailing the Democrats, Michael Moore, the Left Wing, but we have to keep her focused, keep her on the talking points."

Card indicated that, likely right after the President's State of the Union Address tomorrow evening, the White House will announce
establishing a "Crème Brulee Surveillance Program"

Coulter, at a speech last week at Philander Smith College in Arkansas, said, in regards to appointing more Conservative judges to the Supreme Court that “We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice [John Paul] Stevens’ crème brulee.”

Coulter quickly added a disclaimer. “That’s just a joke, for you in the media.”

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff said that Coulters remarks, whether serious or a joke, have already caused "enormous ramifications".

"We have to go back to Congress now, for a Supplemental Budget increase," said Chertoff. "This could take some money away from our Katrina recovery efforts. It causes us a great deal of logistics, new equipment … For instance, we have to have a staff of new chefs and food tasters now for, not just the Supreme Court, but all the Federal Courts. We have to notify, then have workshops, for all the state agencies, to educate them on this new, Cream Brulee threat."

Chertoff indicated that he doubts the government will have to raise the nation security threat level.

Coulter, known for her vicious, bellicose, over-the-top commentary, since early last spring, has been on the White House list, for becoming an alternative energy source.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Exxon Will Celebrate Largest Annual Profit Ever For A U.S. Company

10. Visit Jack Abramoff in prison, and find out who best to bribe in Congress, so there's no new taxes on oil companies

9. Encourage and lobby Detroit Big 3 to produce more SUV's

8. No resting on our laurels; Go for a new record and immediately raise gasoline prices by, at least, 50%

7. Hmmm .. New Orleans … Chocolate City … Need a lot of energy to make chocolate … Should be able to maximize that

6. Invest in researching this global warming thing, to see if we can better target future hurricanes for better profits

5. Send a really nice "Thank You" gift to President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney

4. Take over and purchase Ford Motor Company and launch new, "Way, Way, Way Forward" program

3. Quickly, buy up all airline and train tickets so people have to drive to Super Bowl next weekend and let the money roll in

2. Break out new company flag - giant, crisp, replica of $100 Bill

1. Start lobbying 2008 President candidates to continue tradition of Dick Cheney and have private White House Energy Meetings

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 29 January 2006

Microsoft founder and Chairman Bill Gates caused a stir when he announced at the recent economic summit in Davos, Switzerland, that "within the next six-months, Microsoft will roll out their own Wireless Davos Conference", saying it will be bundled with the company's Internet Explorer














The FBI announced this week a new attack of cybercrime, targeting senior citizens. When clicking on a link, supposedly about the new perscription drug plan, a 3D, animated program comes on, pointing a gun at the senior computer users, forcing them to type in their bank account numbers, which are then quickly cleaned out.

The FBI said as reports flood in, that they have few leads in the case, but that a number of pharmaceutical companies and senior Bush Administration officials, including the White House, are "persons-off-interest"


















The Walt Disney Company announced that, as soon as their purchase of Pixar is completed, they plan on entering the lucrative "courtroom sketches" market


















The Federal Trade Commission is looking into Apple Computer and their new iPod, the "Portable iPod Electric Generator", following charges of unfair practices.

Apple's marketing information instructs users that "the more songs you download from iTunes, the more power your generator will have".

Industry analysts say that it takes "thousands-and-thousands of songs" just to get enough power to hear the songs

















The Dr. Phil show announced that an entire program will be devoted this week to the James Frey Memoir scandal, with Dr. Phil interviewing himself.

Producers for the show said that "Dr. Phil plans on getting to the truth of the story and will not shy away from asking himself the tough questions"















As reported last week by The Garlic, tensions between President Bush and the First Lady continue to surface.

Mrs. Bush, to protest her husband's Foreign Policy, wore "Hamas Green" at a public appearance this week.