Friday, May 19, 2006

Barry Crimmins- Blues in the Key Of W Now Available!

Crimmins Knocks One Out Of The Park With New Recording

Satirist/Author Cites “Profane Times”, Skewers Bush, Rumsfield, SUV’s

Political Satirist and author Barry Crimmins has long said that when he picks up his telephone to make a call, “I hear men cooking”.

Like the Babe pointing to centerfield, Crimmins took the stage last Saturday evening (13 May) at Jimmy Tingle’s Off Broadway Theatre in Somerville, Massachusetts and proceeded over the next two hours to give a brilliant and emphatic demonstration on the art of satire.

Much of Crimmins’s set that evening was improvised, or written mere hours earlier, riffing on the bizarre week of an ill-fated book deal, as well as the inane policies of the Bush Administration, which, according to Crimmins, contributed to a SUV suicide.

Patton Oswalt, star of The Comedians and Comedy and CBS's “The King Of Queens” said that "It's depressing listening to such concise, hilarious, wicked and pissy political brilliance from a man who will be too feeble for the labor camps in 2008."

Louis C.K., star and creator of HBO's next big hit "Lucky Louie" offered "I haven't laughed so hard at a comedy recording since Richard Pryor's first album. Seriously, Crimmins is a classic ...

And, near the end of the set, Crimmins was joined onstage by folk signer extraordinaire Bill Morrissey and theatre owner, comic and former 60-Minutes II pundit, Jimmy Tingle, for the debut of the Crimmins-penned tune “Blues In The Key of W”

Crimmins was the founder of The Ding Ho, legendary comedy club in Inman Square, Cambridge, MA, and is currently writing for Air America Radio’s Randi Rhodes Show. In 2004, Seven Stores Press published Barry's first book, "Never Shake Hands with a War Criminal" and Barry's writing appears frequently in 'The Boston Phoenix' and the 'Cleveland Plain-Dealer'.

Last October, Crimmins appeared with Kurt Vonnegut, Paul Krassner, Art Buchwald, Lewis Lapham and Sarah Jones for an evening of “Political Satire In America”, that was broadcast by CSPAN

Lucky for you, the evening’s performance at the JTOB was recorded and is now available, via download.

So, give up your double lattes for a day and click on over to Barry’s website, or directly to directly to Slab Media to download your copy today!

It will make your day brighter and give you hope for the future.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Ahmadinejad “Sort Of An Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”; Said To Have Made Offer To Mexico

Ahmadinejad Claims Letter A Hoax, Cites Propaganda, Prelude To U.S. Invasion

Other World Leaders Received Similar Tomes; Mexico Offered Iran National Guard Deployed on Their Side of Border

The current Immigration and Border Security brouhaha may be expanding to another continent.

And don’t look for a thawing between Iran-U.S. relations anytime soon, as earlier today Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad charged the Bush Administration with engaging in “propaganda”, claiming he never sent President Bush an “18-page” letter, denouncing democracy, criticizing Bush for his handling of Sept. 11th, spreading lies about the Iraq war and for the United States’ support of Israel.

“This Bush you call President does nothing but lie,” declared a defiant Ahmadinejad during a 4-hour rally in Teheran, before an estimated crowd of 500,000. Later in his speech, Ahmadinejad charged that “Bush wrote the letter himself ... To prepare for his evil forces to invade our great country.

Many of those gathered carried white envelopes, with the name “President Bush, White House, USA” scribbled in English on them. Iranian government officials worked their way through the throng, with large baskets, collecting the letters for mailing, to which Ahmadinejad exhorted the crowd with chants of “We will bury him with letters” and “Send Satan the Iranian truth”.

Blair “Waiting To Speak With Bush” and Putin Believes Letters Came From White House

Largely ignored by the mainstream media is that since President Bush received his alleged Ahmadinejad letter, other world leaders have also received similar tomes said to be written by Ahmadinejad.

The offices of British Prime Minister, and staunch Bush supporter, Tony Blair, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President Jacques Chirac and Russian President Vladimir Putin all confirm receiving such letters.

A spokesperson for Blair indicated that the “Prime Minister has read the correspondence” but was “waiting to speak with President Bush before issuing any comments.”

Chirac and Merkel declined comment, but Putin issued a statement that he “likely believes” Ahmadinejad, that the letters came from the White House.

Putin is still smarting from criticism from Vice President Dick Cheney. In a speech last week, Cheney attacked Russia for “a lack of democracy” and “energy blackmail”. Putin rebutted Cheney, in his State-of-the-Nation speech a few days later, saying "Their house is their fortress. Good for them," he said. "But that means that we must make our own house strong and firm. Because we can see what is happening in the world."

Ahmadinejad “Sort Of An Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”; Said To Have Made Offer To Mexico

Whether he believes an invasion is imminent, or, as some observers believe, he is mocking President Bush’s border security problems, Ahmadinejad also announced he is calling on the Iran National Guard to take posts along Iran’s borders, and, in doing so, extended an offer of “double the pay” to U.S. National Guardsman who will come to Iran to guard the borders.

“The Iranian National Guard,” says Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', “is basically, conscripts – and the worst of the conscripts ... They work for peanuts and would offer little-to-no resistance to any invading force.”

“Our sources in the country say this Guard call-up is not being received very well,” added Larsen. “The people there will go along with Ahmadinejad’s ranting and raving – think of him as a, sort of, Islamic Lyndon LaRouche – but when he goes to do something, they look at him, then to the Ayatollahs, to see what they should do.”

Sources close to the Bush Administration say that intelligence reports show that Mexico’s President, Vicente Fox, did not receive a letter, but two top Iranian envoys, with an offer from Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian president is said to be encouraging Fox to protect his side of the border against “American aggression” and has offered to send as many as 50,000 Iranian National Guardsman to augment the Mexicans.

WHIIG, Lincoln Group Eyed; Cheney Claims “Iranian Government is in its final throes”

Back in Washington, there is rampant speculation that the letter, supposedly from Ahmadinejad, may be the work of the new White House Iraq and Iran Group, a spin-off of the already-established WHIG, possibly with the assistance of The Lincoln Group, the public relations firm contracted by the Pentagon to plant pro-American stories in Iraqi media.

“This has WHIIG’s fingerprints all over it,” offered Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf'.

“Look how quickly Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice denounced the package,” added Varicator.

In an interview with the Associated Press, Rice “swiftly rejected the letter”, saying "This letter is not the place that one would find an opening to engage on the nuclear issue or anything of the sort. It isn't addressing the issues that we're dealing with in a concrete way."

There are also unconfirmed reports that, while on his recent trip in Russia, Vice President Dick Cheney was said to note, in a discussion about U.S. Foreign Policy, that “the Iranian Government is in its final throes” and it is not clear if he said this before, or after the alleged letter was received by President Bush.

Sources close to the White House say with new Chief of Staff Josh Bolten taking Andy Card’s spot in the White House Iraq and Iran Group, Bolten lobbied to launch similar media efforts run in Iraq for Iran, as part of “keeping all option on the table”

“WHIIG is going to pour it on,” said one official with ties to the White House. “They’re going to milk the “Ahmadinejad is crazy” card frequently and often. They’ll have him spouting off, pushing the fear buttons ... Instead of ‘mushroom clouds’ it will be ‘The Iranian President said this, he did that’ ...”

Unconfirmed reports say that the Department of Homeland Security will be adding a new color to the Terror Alert Chart, specifically for Ahmadinejad.

With Mexico concerned about a build up of U.S. Military along its' border, members of the Federación de Matadores are said to be preparing to take posts opposite U.S. National Guardsman and will "employ their skills, if necessary"

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Karl Rove Blames For President Bush’s Low Approval Rating

News Item: Rove blames Bush's low approval on Iraq

10. Vice President Dick Cheney’s Secret Bunker – If people could see how lovely it’s furnished, he’d get a 5-10 bounce in the polls

9. Tax Cuts – Should have called them something like “Clean Returns Act” to obfuscate who was getting them

8. The Purple Dye – Actually Blue and Kelly Green scored higher in our focus groups, looked better on the fingertips

7. Not wearing the Flight Suit more often – Our polls show it gives ex-military conservatives a boner

6. We know about Iraq, but it’s really Iran ... They’re behind it all – the people and polls see the mushrooms clouds on the horizon

5. Claude Allen’s Shoplifting – It brought the hint of criminal activity into the White House

4. Didn’t conduct enough Terror Alerts after the 2004 Election – Could have kept the media preoccupied

3. Jailed Wrong Reporter – Judy Miller was friendly to us; Should have gone after rabble-rousers like Brian Ross and David Corn

2. Not smearing Joe Wilson enough – We had some good zingers that would have rallied the base

1. My pending indictment – If only I could get a sixth shot at the Grand Jury, I could clear this whole thing up

Karl Rove said that even if he is indicted, he will continue to smear "any opponent" of President Bush.

"Handcuffs or an orange jumpsuit isn't going to stop me from defending this great President"

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Breaking News - Congress Said Will “Clean President’s Clock” On Immigration

Bush Adds Color-Coded Border Alert Chart To Immigration Plan

Neocons Upset With Shift In White House Strategy: Speech Offered No “Ties To Sadam ... Imminent Mushroom Clouds”

Sources tell The Garlic that following the morning staff meeting, and a briefing with the Republican Leadership, President Bush added to the Immigration Plan he announced last evening, a “Color-Coded Border Alert Chart”, so the White House can evaluate the effectiveness of measures that are undertaken to control the border.

“The President likes to see signs, one’s that can easily communicate what’s going on,” said new Press Secretary Tony Snow.

The White House offered little details about “Color-Coded Border Alert Chart”, only that different colors will be used to indicate the flow of undocumented workers into the country. White House staffers are talking, off-the-record or on background that it will be very similar to the Terrorist Threat Chart, manned by the Department of Homeland Security and the Pandemic Alert Chart announced last November.

Speaking English thing will likely make Tom Tancredo happy

In his nationally-televised speech from the Oval Office last evening, the President laid out a Five-Point Immigration Plan that will relieve the flow of undocumented workers into the country and offer the illegal immigrants a path to U.S. Citizenship.

Included in the plan is the use of over 6,000 National Guard Troops, and a high-tech, tamper-proof identification card. The President also wants to penalize companies and corporations that employ undocumented workers and went out of his way to say that the Temporary Worker Program he proposes is not “amnesty”.

Reception for his speech was muted, with many in Congress asking for more details, on both the use of the National Guard and

the Temporary Worker Program. With offering undocumented workers a path to U.S. Citizenship, President Bush is mandating that any such immigrant will need to speak English, with some also having to pay fines and back taxes.

House Majority Leader John A. Boehner (R-Ohio) said after the speech that "border security is our first priority," without offering any praise to the President or his speech.

“It really wasn’t even a lukewarm speech,” offered David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “He didn’t offer much that the Republicans in Congress can grab on to, other than the speaking English thing will likely make Tom Tancredo happy.”

Congress Said Will “Clean President’s Clock” On Immigration; NSA Will Track Temp Workers Phones

Many inside the Beltway saw little in the President speech, labeling it as nothing more than “trying to change the headlines”.

In announcing the nationally-televised address last Friday, the President and the White House attempted to take away the raging news of now the National Security Agency has been collecting tens-of-millions of U.S Citizen’s telephone numbers in their Domestic Surveillance Program, again, without the use of a court warrant.

Additionally, the speculation grows that long-time Bush Aide, and Special White House Counsel Karl Rove is to be indicted this week in the CIA Leak Scandal, as well as breaking news over the weekend that Vice President Dick Cheney was shown to be more involved in the smearing of former Ambassador Joe Wilson.

“What was it – nothing more a veritable “Clear Borders Act”, said Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist. “Window dressing for a problem, with the President’s poll numbers that Congress is going clean his clock with. They’re laughing at him up on the Hill. This Immigration Bill is going to be, in all probability, their last shot at keeping their seats in the November elections, but that train is already pulling out.”

Along with the “Color-Coded Border Alert Chart”, the White House also added, that, once an undocumented worker is brought into the Temporary Worker Program, and receives his or her identification card, that their telephone numbers will be scooped up by the NSA for monitoring

“Nothing pairing the border problem to September 11th”

One element of the President’s base of support, the Conservative Neocons, came out swinging this morning, slamming the speech and charging that the White House is “shifting their strategy”.

“We are profoundly disappointed,” said Holly Martins, Publisher of ‘Axis of Evil Illustrated’, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. The President seems to have forgotten who helped him during his term so far.

Martins says he was peppered last evening with calls and emails from other Neocons, lambasting the President and his speech, and feeling depressed that their plans are evaporating.

“Not once, during the speech,” said Martins, “did the President say, or even intimate, a connection between the illegal aliens and Sadam Hussein. There was nothing pairing the border problem to September 11th. And he offered no hint of the mushroom clouds from Iran.”

Martins claims both the White House Iraq Group and the new White House Iraq and Iran Group have “reams of copy” to use for this issue.

“The Lincoln Group had at least three people pumping out copy on this for them,” added Martins.

Martins conceded that, for the Neocons, their biggest fear is that the White House will begin using the new “Color-Coded Border Alert Chart”, with “benign, watered-down reports” instead of the fear-inducing DHS Terrorist Threat Chart.

“We can’t advance our agenda with counting people at the border. We need to get more budget, by scaring people, having things shut down, getting the media to spend hours-and-hours broadcasting the suspected threats

President Focus Said To Be “To Keep His Legacy From Going Down In Flames”

With the President, according to sources close to the White House, getting squeezed, by Congress on one side, and the PNAC and Neocons on the other, it’s “very unlikely” he’ll get a
Mission Accomplished” photo op with the Immigration issue.

“Extremely doubtful,” offered Aaronson. “The President is looking to dump this thing, have someone else come up with a “heck of a job” moment.”

“Between the War in Iraq, the illegal wiretapping, the CIA Leak Scandal and indictments of his staff, Abramoff, the November elections and whatever else comes out, Bush’s main focus now is to keep his legacy from going down in flames. Things are going to get down even lower, and dirtier than ever before its over.”

President Bush, according to some in the White House, considered using elephants to patrol the borders, not for their GOP symbolic value, but for what the President claimed "their incredible memories"

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard Along The Border Last Evening

News Item: On Immigration, Bush Seeks 'Middle Ground'

10. We don’t have to worry about what Bush does, it’s that Tancredo guy we got to keep an eye on

9. I wonder how pounds of drugs those unmanned plane things can hold?

8. Man, if we become legal, I’ll lose my job. Wal-Mart will have to give us coffee breaks and lunch and can’t lock us in anymore

7. Maybe we’ll be able to get something with the National Guard – I heard they only work weekends

6. The Temporary Worker thing will be cool ... Look at the type of jobs you can get ... Maybe something like that Tony Snow guy

5. Learn to speak English? No problemo, Jeffe. We’ve already been studying tapes of President Bush

4. Once Rove gets indicted, they’ll forget all about us

3. They just keep handing us the American Dream – Phony Drivers License, Phony Passports, now Phony Identification Cards

2. When we become citizens, we won’t have to protest anymore – even when they listen to our phone calls

1. Don’t worry. He went on television and talked about rebuilding New Orleans and nothing happened, so no sweat with this thing

Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) said the President's speech last night "was a start" but that "he hasn't even begun to address the illegal elk and moose entering the country"

Monday, May 15, 2006

New Garlic Logo!

The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel has news today, inching every so slowly towards legitimacy, with the debut of its’ first logo!

Now we can let loose with the major television campaign and start sponsoring sports arenas

100,000 Thanks and Tip of the Hat to Sean Collins over at TenTen71 Graphics

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 14 May 2006

"Can you hear me now?" is the new television ad campaign, launched by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in an attempt to build internal support, and put pressure on President Bush, to answer the 18-page letter Ahmadinejad sent last week

RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman "came out" last week, declaring that he is heterosexual, saying "Im not gay. But those stories did a number on my dating for six months"

A few hours later, inexplicably, Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney came out and called Mehlman a "son of a bitch" and a "slimeball"

Apurv Mishra, a 16 year old from India, says he's developed a new device that will prevent the NSA, or any other agency from collecting their conversations or numbers, as long "as you can get comfortable wearing your telephone on your head"

New Pope Benedict XVI
is said to be preparing the Vatican to make a formal request to the Bush Administration, for any of the millions of telephone numbers and conversations the NSA has collected, that contain information about people saying that plan on attending the Da Vinci Code movie next week

And Netflix CEO Reed Hastings also wants to talk to the Bush Administration about monetizing the telephone numbers collect. Hastings says, with a special membership to Netflix, those that order the tapped data can get a CD-ROM shipped overnight, or you downloaded the information from your Netflix Special Account

Vice President Dick Cheney was recently held and questioned at a local D.C. bookstore, in a case eerily similar to former White House Aide Claude Allen.

Witnesses say Cheney purchased a book, had Secret Service agents put the book in his limousine, while the Vice President went back into the bookstore, picked up another copy and attempted to return it for credit

Poll Results for The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 7 - May 13 2006

Another week and quite the spirited voting for the Garlic Poll ...

For last week’s question, The Steve Colbert, for his White House Correspondents' Association Dinner Performance, Can Expect ..

The results

1. That the NSA was listening to his phone calls within minutes after getting off stage - 30%

2. Tired of being spoofed, Bill O’Reilly gets the Fox News Police after him - 28%

3. Being audited by the IRS for the next 10-years - 21%

4. He became the frontrunner for Press Secretary to whoever wins 2008 Presidential Race - 21%

This week’s Poll - The Real Reason The NSA Has Been Secretly Collecting The Phone Call Records In The Country Is ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote