Friday 1 April 2005

Happy April Fools Day!

Entire World Clicks Onto The Garlic Sets New Web/Blog Record

At 2:06PM yesterday, 6,426,200,025 - the entire global population - clicked onto The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel, setting a new web and blog record.

Reports indicate that just before his fever soared, the Pope was logged on to The Garlic. Villagers in Africa and Asia, with no electricity, walked scores of miles to log on to the nearest computer.

Major League Baseball cancelled Spring Training for the day, so players could visit the humor and satire blog.

In France, transit workers staged a one-day strike, so they could stay home and logged on. In Belgium, rivers of melted chocolate poured out of shops as the chocolate-makers stayed glued to The Garlic.

Doctors took Geraldo Rivera out of his medically-induced vegatative state (as first as reported by The Garlic last Tuesday, 22 March - Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop) so he could use his laptop.

In a act of profound generosity, Bill Gates shipped tens-of-thousands of fully-loaded, Wi-Fi-capable computers to Tsunami victims in Indonesia so they could get on to The Garlic.

Congress, led by majority leaders Tom DeLay and Bill Frist introduced a new bill, unanimously approved, that suspended business for the day and allowed members to rush back to their offices to log on.

Trading on Wall Street was suspended, as pits and the floor cleared off, leaving tote boards clicking numbers to nobody. The merger talks between MCI and Verizon were postponed and rescheduled for next week.

New Hewlett Packard CEO Mark Hurd had the entire HP staff visit The Garlic, as a introductory team-building exercise.

In Brasil, Rio de Janerio beaches were empty. Buenos Aires saw plazas deserted. Ships and tankers lined up in both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, idle, as Panama Canal workers abandoned their stations.

Owners of the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur had huge jumbotrons attached to the buildings and logged on to The Garlic, drawing scores-of-thousands to the streets.

Officials say that late in the evening, over 4-Billion were still logged onto The Garlic.

Top Ten Cloves: Special April Fools Headlines We'll Never See

10. Clinton-Lewinsky Set Wedding Date

9. NASA Probe Reveals Moon Landing Staged in New Mexico Desert

8. DeLay Admits Charges, Resigns From Congress

7. Famed Aviator Earhart Found Alive, Living in Milwaukee

6. On Deathbed, G, Gordon Liddy Takes Credit For JFK Assassination

5. Bonds, McGwire, Sosa Appeal To Selig To Give Back Record To Maris

4. Rove Gets 7-Year Sentence For Election Fraud Tampering

3. France Bows To EU Pressure; Official Language Now English

2. OJ Tracks Down Killers, Clears Name

1. Hoffa Autopsy Rules Death By Natural Causes

Thursday 31 March 2005

Yankee's Have More Than The Unit For Sox Opener
Tensions High As Many On Team Bringing Big Brothers For Retribution

Newly acquired ace, Randy Johnson is being handed the ball for the season opener against defending World Champions and arch rivals, the Boston Red Sox. However, there will be some other weapons available, as many Yankee players have said they are bringing to the game their big brothers, to gain some retribution from last year's loss.

One player, who declined to be identified, indicated that "my bro is going to kick some ass".

As many as 11 of the current members of the Yankee's will have an older sibling at the game, poised to take on a Red Sox. One offered that it will be his older sister ("man, she was the toughest kid on the block…").

It's unclear if the Yankee siblings will be allowed into the Yankee dugout, or if they will be sitting in the stands.

While many of the Yankees admit that they gave away the American League Championship Series, losing four-straight games. However, the war-of-words waged over the winter went to far for some. They are angry and they want to Red Sox to pay for it.

Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein has written to the Yankee's, indicating his concern for security.

The Yankee's have stated that they are unaware of this situation and will provide the typical security at Yankee Stadium for both a home opener and a visit from the Boston Red Sox.

Unconfirmed rumors and reports have the Red Sox suiting up local Boston boxing champ, Johnny Ruiz, in anticipation of trouble from the Yankee siblings. Another points out that some of the Red Sox will have their older brothers at Fenway Park the following week, at the Red Sox home opener against the New York Yankees

The Red Sox-Yankee rivalry is baseball's most terse and heated. During the 2004 season, in each meeting, there were high tensions, flare-ups and brawls, including a bout between two Yankee pitchers and a Red Sox groundskeeper that resulted in the two Yankee pitchers being placed under arrest.

In a related story, the New York Yankees have named Geraldo Rivera as Honorary Captain for the season opener. Rivera, as reported by The Garlic last Tuesday (22 March - Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop) is in a medically-induced vegetative state.

Media Hunts For Next Med Case
Looking For High Tensions, Legal and Rights Extras

With the latest rejection by the U.S. Supreme Court to issue an order to reinstate the feeding tube to Terri Schiavo, and her imminent death, a number of media have fanned out across the country seeking the next high-drama medical case.

Reports indicate that senior producers for Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC and CBS have been searching through hospitals, clinics and hospices for a pending death that offers intricate legal wrangling and heated political passions.

Unconfirmed reports have tabloid magazines offering substantial sums of money for an exclusive pending-death story.

"Our Ad revenue is up 27%", offered one producer who asked not to be identified. "We couldn't have dreamed up better programming. The rating are through the roof … "

Insiders say there are hundreds of producers, assistants, even interns, combing through medical records, visiting hospitals and clinics, searching for a gripping case.

"The Pope thing, that's moving too slow, and it's in another country … Johnny Cochran … He went too fast … We were hoping that Jerry Falwell didn't recover so well and stayed on the respirator. That would have been a bonanza … High-profile celebrity … Life-or-Death … It would have automatically brought in the religious right …"

Indeed, the political and religious ramifications have driven the Schiavo case, as much as, or more than the medical aspect of it, including unprecedented action by the U.S. Congress in drafting a bill specifically for Schiavo.

"Man, Falwell on a respirator … Protesters by the thousands … Having the President and Congress get into it … We're talking Emmy-material here …"

Sources say that the Fox Network, if unsuccessful in their search, will launch a 'life-or-death' Reality series next Fall.


NIST Warns Of Caution In 'Springing Forward'
Cites Annual Deaths, Injuries Climbing

The National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) issued a warning of caution in pushing our clocks ahead this Sunday to commence the start of Daylight Saving Time. Annually, over 35,000 are killed and 14,000 injured.

NIST cites the main cause of the deaths and injuries are human error and a lack-of-attention.

"Many, many of these deaths could be avoided", said Stanley Hammerstein, a NIST Information Director. "People need to pay attention to the task, it's really that simple".

Hammerstein indicated deaths and injuries have increased about 15% in the past 10-years.

"You have a wide array of things that go wrong. People are eating when they turn the clocks ahead, talking on cell phones, putting on make-up. They also choose all manner of objects - many very unsafe - to stand on to reach the clocks".

The federal law that established "daylight time" in this country does not require any area to observe daylight saving time. But if a state chooses to observe DST, it must follow the starting and ending dates set by the law which since 1986 have been the first Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October. About 70 countries around the world observe DST in some form.

Hammerstein urges people to go the NIST website (www.nist.gov), where they can view or download a pamphlet with tips on safely observing Daylight Saving Time.

Top Ten Cloves: Highlights of First Lady's Trip To Afghanistan

10. Showed First Lady poppy farm her husband used to have a stake in when he was in college

9. All Afghans wanted to know was the inside scoop on Tom DeLay and the ethics charges

8. Since most don't have driver's license, wondered if Paul Wolfiwitz will give them ATM cards when he takes World Bank job

7. Leaned on her brother-in-law and set-up a Time-Share plan between Afghanistan and Florida

6. Asked First Lady how come she doesn't have a Universal Healthcare Plan like Hillary Clinton had when she was First Lady

5. First Lady offered map and directions to where WMD's are hidden in Iraq

4. Clerics taught her how to cane and stone her daughters next time they went out partying

3. Collected hundreds of cell phone numbers of Afghans who want a 'Heads Up' next time husband bombs country

2. Showed her all the caves Osma Bin Laden hid in

1. First Lady got some real bargins on some rugs for the Crawford ranch

Wednesday 30 March 2005

White House Eyes Role For Annan

The White House yesterday, offered no criticism of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan following the blistering report on the corrupt Oil-For-Food program and hinted that they may have a role for Annan.

Speaking for the President at the daily briefing, Press Secretary Scott McClellan responded "Hell, yes!" to a question if the Bush Administration would welcome the beleagured dipolmat.

"The President is impressed, first with his ability to conduct such a large-scale scam, and include some heavy-duty patronagism", referring to Kojo Annan, the son at the center of the scandal. "Secondly, that he can ignore his critics, and staunchily deny any wrong-doing, that's the kind of people we like to have on our team".

The investigation led by former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker found no wrongdoing by Annan, but it directly faulted the secretary-general's management and oversight of the scandal-ridden oil-for-food program in Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

Annan indicated that he accepts the criticism and offered a rare invective of "Hell, no" when asked if he would step down.

"It was also impressive", offered McClellan, "how he insulated himself and deflected any direct connection. Vice President Cheney was really bowled over by that".

McClellan refused to say if the White House was offering a position to Annan, and what that position would be.

"A scoundral with that level of world experience … The possibilities are endless … I think MasterCard would say ...Priceless"



Google Acquires Urchin; Sets Up For Revenue Windfall

Google Inc. took a giant step yesterday towards, in essence, printing money, as they agreed to acquire the Urchin Software Corporation. Urchin is a ubiquitous software product that assists tens-of-thousands of companies to review and analyze their website traffic, and better understand performance, advertisements and visitor behavior.

"With taking over Urchin", offered Jonathan Rosenberg, Google's vice president for product management, "We can completely obfuscate the data to highlight the high-performance and impressive return of investment with Google Ad Words"

Insider rumors say that Google had already perfected the algorithm, but lacked the proper platform to run it. Having the Urchin access will give Google unfettered entry to scores-of-thousands of new customers. This, the insiders speculate, will turn into millions of new dollars for Google's Ad Words program.

"They'll never know what hit them" said Rosenburg "They'll come from miles around, pay their money, not knowing what they really are paying for, and be happy to do so"

Top Ten Cloves: McDonald's New Hit Rap Tunes

10. Arches Ain't Golden In My Hood!

9. Yu'b a Badunkadunk Actress wit dat Q-Lb

8. Man, yu'b 5150 fa da Mac Attack!

7. Boot Up Ron'uld, I'm Comin' Atcha

6. Bucktown Bust'a Big Mac!

5. Bumboklaat - Trillizzleon Served!

4. Beam Me Up Mickey Dee

3. Check The Cronkite and Get Down wit da Mac

2. Mickey D's Got The Blix

1. Ay Yo Trip, The Mic Be Payin' fo' My Playin'

Tuesday 29 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Easter Egg Hunt Yields Sadam's WMD's

U.S. and Coalition forces on Sunday, participating in a improvised Easter Egg hunt, stumbled upon the long-sought cache of Sadam Hussian's Weapons of Mass Destruction.

A Pentagon spokesperson indicated the division stationed on the outskirts of Baghdad, consisting of U.S and Coalition forces were relaxing, waiting for their special Easter dinner, when they decided to improvise and conduct an Easter Egg hunt. An officer hid objects found in the camp and approximately 15 soldiers went about looking to find them.

In poking under a bush, Private Bobby Douglas, of Montgomery, AL discovered a covered trap door, leading to an underground storage unit, said to be the size of a football field. Contained in the storage unit were racks of a variety of weapon systems, chemical beakers, and undisclosed artillery and ammunition crates.

Forces were still cataloging the find late into Monday afternoon.

"I'm just tickled", offered Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in a released statement. "Hunting Easter Eggs is an untidy business, it's messy. To find these WMD's is wonderful".

The United Nations Team of Inspectors admitted that they did not use 'Easter Egg Hunting' in their efforts to discover the WMD's and indicated that it would be added to their disciplines in future efforts.

As to the contest, Lt. Eddie Suater of Milwaukee, WI was the overall winner, collecting 8 of the 25 hidden Easter Egg objects. Both Suater and Douglas will be awarded medals for their efforts.

The Pentagon indicated that next Easter, they will mandate that all units stationed in Iraq conduct Easter Eggs Hunts for the purpose of finding additional WMD's.



Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort

As her first initiative in her new role as Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes will begin and extensive, broad, far-reaching Tupperware party to help lift the image of the United States.

"What better way to get to know your neighbors", beamed Ms. Hughes, in her first press conference yesterday. "They can look at how properous and healthy Americans are and that is, in part, related to Tupperware.

The traveling Tupperware party will visit 15 countries in Europe, Asia and Africa and hosted by Hughes at U.S Embassies. In addition to selling the iconic food storage containers, Hughes also will recruit Sales Representatives, in under-developed Third World countries as a economic tool for those countries to enter the world trading stage.

"Along with developing self-confidence and self-esteem, the representatives from these countries will be building an important economic platform", offered Hughes. "They can help their fellow countryman properly store their rice and grains, or other donated food items, and, at the same time, earn bonus incentives, while they build their economy".

Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice endorsed the plan, indicating "we'd rather see them with a Tupperware bowl in their hands then a blackmarket nuclear device".

Hughes is said to be in talks with Mary Kay Inc., one of the largest direct sellers of skin care and color cosmetics in the world, for a second program next year, to help enhance the image of the United States.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Your Identity Has Been Hacked

10. Rep Tom Delay levels ethics charges against you

9. Fidel Castro lavishes you with praise in one of his four-hours speeches

8. You get flowers and a giftbasket from the Fab Five, welcoming you to the show - and you're straight

7. Mark McGwire names you as another topic he won't discuss

6. FCC hits you with record fine for indecency

5. Paris Hilton bitch slaps you for giving out her private number

4. President Bush has tapped you for the World Bank post

3. Greta Van Sustren has your photo posted on her Off The Record program, with the graphic 'At Large'

2. A subpeona arrives from Congress, for your large purchases of anabolic steroids

1. U.S. Marshall's show up and slap ankle monitor on you - Martha Stewart has named you as a co-conspirator

Monday 28 March 2005

President In Late Push To Add Daylight Saving Time To SS Bill

With clocks across American poised to be pushed ahead this coming Saturday, White House staffers and key Republicans are working against that deadline this week, as they seek to add Daylight Saving Time to the President's Social Security overhaul.

First suggested by Benjamin Franklin in 1784, it was not established in U.S. law until the Act of March 19, 1918, sometimes called the Standard Time Act. The act also established daylight saving time, a contentious idea. It was repealed in 1919, restablished during World War II and in 1966, it was standardized by the The Uniform Time Act .

Under President Bush's proposal, citizens who open up a private social security savings account will automatically get the Daylight Saving Time package, which also can be started indpendently.

The holder of a Daylight Saving Time package will accumulate two-hours (Spring and Fall), per year, tax free, and can be used in any manner they wish, without government directive or any type of fees.

Rep. Tom DeLay is pushing the bill in the House, indicating he'd "love to have some of those extra hours, without any government on my back" DeLay is currently under investigation for violation of ethics.

The White is working in the Senate with Majority Leader. Sen. Bill Frist. Frist, though supporting the measure, is attempting to attach a rider, giving an unspecified amount of extra hours to Terri Shiavo immediately, believing Florida official would have to abide by the bill or face Comtempt of Congress charges.

A bi-partisian group vows to block the bill, if it doesn't carry extra hours in the account for members of Congress. Insiders say the vote will be close and it's It's unclear if the President is seeking a new bill, or will have Congress draft a new Uniform Time Act



Red Sox To Remain At Fenway For Long Term
Seeking Eminent Domain Ruling for Large Chunk of Boston

In annoucing last week that the Boston Red Sox will continue to improve their historic Fenway Park, and remain at the league's oldest ballpark for the long term, sources to The Garlic have learned that this is contingent on receiving a favorable ruling as to taking a significant chunk of the City of Boston by Eminent Domain.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have filed papers to take over the Fens, the Back Bay and about half of downtown Boston.

Charles Steinberg, the team's executive vice president of public affairs indicated that this is needed to compete in today's baseball market to "enhance the fan experience" as well as generate non-baseball revenues.

"We could go after the city and state for the infrastructure", offered Steinberg, "where we may get what we want but wouldn't have ownership of those properties. By taking these areas near Fenway Park, we can build it out as we wish and have the investment for the club for the long term".

Boston Mayor Tom Menino was stunned by the plan, as well as the news that the Red Sox have applied for trademark ownership of the 'Rolling Rallies'. Upon receiving the trademark, only the Boston Red Sox would be able to conduct Rolling Rallies and, if the are successful with their push for Eminent Domain status, they would have the right to charge fees to any party that wishes to have a parade, or rally, in sections of the city that are Red Sox-owned.

Officials of the legendary Boston Marathon have been in talks with the Red Sox, for a waiver, as the final segment of the historic road race travels through the Back Bay and ends in downtown Boston.

The Red Sox are reportedly backed by Major League Baseball, who view this as a test case. If successful, MLB may attempt this strategy in other cities to better leverage their teams visiblity.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Spring Has Sprung

10. Martha Stewart changes the cover of her ankle monitor to bright pastels, with flowers

9. Your neighbor has been practicing his 'Yankee's Suck' chant

8. At least six Academy Award winners have already pawned their Oscars

7. You've already lost your tax refund on the office March Madness pool

6. Major League Baseball is up at Congress, testifying about steroids

5. You see your daughter on MTV, broadcasting live, a wet t-shirt contest from Spring Break in Florida

4. The Lobbyists in Washington put away their overcoats and now just carry the payoffs in their briefcases

3. Dick Cheney huddles with the Energy Commission to start planning the summer's electricity rolling blackouts

2. You need your tax refund to fill up your gas tank

1. President Bush goes into a funk; Came in 4th place in White House Lawn Easter Egg Hunt for sixth-year-in-a-row