Saturday, September 24, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 24 September 2005

FEMA, determined to improve its performance during Hurricane Rita,was stocked and ready to move into the areas that needed aid and supplies

Following up on its new order, the Vatican this week began sending inspectors to churchs and semanaries to start weeding out gay priests

In a private ceremony, attended by only team members and staff, the Boston Red Sox decreed owner John Henry as 'Emperor of Boston'.

"I've got $500 I can knock down this girlie man with one punch ..."

Hey guys ... Take a look at this ... Do you see the Virgin Mary in here?

"I'm sorry Paul, your answer must be in the form of a question ... Let's see what that is going to cost you ..."

Friday, September 23, 2005

Friday 23 September 2005

White House In Disarray; Bush Torn Between Visiting Texas or New Orleans

Aides Arguing; VP Suggests To Pack Guitar and Head Again To San Diego; Rove Pushing 'Pro-Active' Disaster Appearances

Already conceding the he expects FEMA to "screw up", President Bush is said to be torn between heading back to New Orleans, for more photo-ops showing his concern, or to visit Houston, for a pre-hurricane appearance, a new pro-active approach to disasters that Karl Rove is attempting the White House to embrace.

Sources say that staff and aides close to the President are in "a panic and arguing" over what to do.

Chief of Staff Andy Card is behind one side that wants the President to "stay the course" and continue visiting New Orleans.

"Card doesn't see any value in visiting Houston at this time," said one aide. "He feels that we need time, we need to see destroyed homes and flooded streets to get any impact for the photo opportunities."

However, another camp in the West Wing, led by Special Advisor Karl Rove, is advocating to the President that he "get in front of the storm" and visit Houston.

"This is the President home turf," said another aide. "Karl believes he can't lose by visiting Houston before the storm. He knows the area, he knows all the players and, right now, until the storm hits, he doesn't have to promise too much in the way of aid."

Rove, considered by many to be the 'architect' of Bush's presidency, wants the President to take a pro-active approach to disasters, believing he can leverage better approval ratings being photographed before the storm damage occurs.

One person in the White House is said to be ignoring those strategies and believes the President should "remain aloof and distant".

Vice President Dick Cheney, who is schedule for surgery tomorrow, is said to have advised the President to "pack the guitar and head to San Diego" again.

"Dick really wants the President," said a source close to the Vice President, "out of the way completely. He doesn't want to worry while he's having his surgery about the President screwing something up, especially when it comes to the oil industry."

President Bush was criticized for visiting San Diego and playing a guitar the day after Hurricane Katrina hit and New Orleans was being flooded.

Still another course of action is being suggested, by the First Lady.

Reports indicated that Laura Bush, the former liberian, has told the President to "pack up some children's books, head to some schools in other parts of Texas and read to the children while the hurricane is pounding the coastal areas."

In a related matter, Congress, in a late-night session, voted to give Halliburton a blank check for the anticipated clean-up of Texas after Hurricane Rita hits.

To ward off the repeated scenes of widespread looting, in the wake of Hurricane Rita, President Bush this morning, federalized the Knights of Columbus, who will begin patroling the streets of Houston as soon as the storm passes

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Bill Frist Sold His HCA Stock Before It Tanked

10. Okay, so the blind trust wasn't so blind … Let's just say they had one eye open

9. "Hey, Tom DeLay gets away with everything, why shouldn't I?"

8. Terry Schiavo told me to sell; She cleared stated the words "Sell Stocks"

7. Actually, is running a Senate Sting operation on the SEC, to see if they're doing their job

6. Studied how-to videos on best time to sell stocks

5. Wanted to change his holdings to cash in big-time with buying more Halliburton stock

4. With so many people effected and displaced by hurricanes, now is not the time to discuss this

3. Rest assured, brother who runs company, gave absolutely no information that impacted decision to sell stock

2. Needed the cash to invest and buy stocks in Stem Cell company

1. Thought Martha Stewart looked sexy in ankle bracelet; Hopes to be convicted so he can wear one too.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Thursday September 22, 2005 - Happy Autumn!

Talk Host Hannity Starts Blame Game On Jet Blue Incident

Lambastes Nagin and Blanco; Cites Stranded Passengers; "Where Are The Buses!"

As a Jet Blue airliner made a safe, if not anxious, landing at Los Angeles International Airport last evening, after its front landing gear jammed in a cocked, angled position, Fox News Talk Show Host Sean Hannity blasted out blame, placing it at the feet of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco.

"It's Nagin and Blanco again … These two people are not only incompetent, but dangerous", said Hannity, on his Fox News program, 'Hannity & Colmes'.

Ignoring video in a side box that showed passengers exiting the plane in a calm, orderly fashion, Hannity continued his rant.

"Nagin and Blanco have set a standard so low, its become infectious … They're now stranding people in Los Angeles … And you know what? They'll turn around and blame President Bush for this …"

Co-Host Alan Colmes attempted to interject a point but was waved off by Hannity.

"Where are the buses for these people? Los Angeles must be using the Nagin Plan … A city the size of Los Angeles must have 10,000 buses and you mean to tell me they can't bring a few dozen to LAX? That they are going to leave these people there, without food, without water? … Where's Governor Schwarzenegger? … I hope he's not on the phone with Blanco, getting advice on how to handle a disaster … The only thing she can tell him is how to refuse aid, and how to ignore procedures …"

Colmes again tried to interrupt Hannity.

"Alan … This is just in .. From the AP … Amtrak is saying they have empty trains that can take these passengers … Empty trains that can take these poor people to safety … I'm sure Nagin is telling them not to do it … Not to use the trains … He's telling them to ignore the safety of those people …"

"Sean", said and exasperated Colmes, "Union Station is clear across town … It's 10, 15-miles away, on the other side of downtown."

"And what - that's President Bush's fault?" shot back Hannity.

"Is it FEMA fault again? They screwed up, they didn't position the buses, the trains in advance … All you liberals … When things go wrong, don't take responsibility, just blame the President … It's all President Bush's fault …"

At this point, the program needed to break for a commercial

"We gotta take a break" sighed Hannity. "When we come back, Ann Coulter will join us and, Alan, I'm sure she'll agree with me so call some of your liberal friends and see if you can come up with something … Anything … That is, if they can pull their heads out of the sand long enough to think about it."

"Kofi, my good amigo ... I'm going to want alot more than food for my oil ... And I can make it very worth your while ..."

Top Ten Cloves: Signs That It Is The First Day of Autumn In The White House

10. Presidential Helicopter used to scatter the leaves on White House lawn instead of raking them

9. Condi Rice changes over to her fur-lined, knee-high, leather boots

8. Guards at Abu Ghraib start making Muslim prisoners play "touch" football

7. Michael Chertoff submits his list of excuses for winter disasters to Andy Card for approval

6. President starts thinking about planting winter crop seeds of democracy

5. Karl Rove's smears start changing colors

4. Rumsfield tries to order the use of Agent Orange to "go with the season"

3. President Bush starts planning his six-week winter vacation

2. FEMA adds apple cider to their relief packages, but then doesn't deliver them

1. Cross Dick Cheney and he threatens to "carve your head out like a pumpkin"

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Wednesday 21 September 2005

NYC Braces For Moss Storm; Due To Hit Within 48 Hrs.

Bloomberg Calls For Voluntary Evacuation; FEMA Notified, Will "Do What We Can"

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has called for an voluntary evacuation of all five boroughs of the city and surrounding suburbs as the city braces for the storm brewing over supermodel Katie Moss.

Manhattan and the Fashion District is expected to take the brunt of the storm.

"This couldn't happen at a worst time,: sighed the Mayor. "With all that's going on in other parts of the country, I don't know if we can take a hit like this."

Moss, 31, has admitted to drug use after London's 'Daily Mirror'
published a front cover photo of the 31-year-old model preparing to snort cocaine.

A new global campaign by H&M, Europe's largest clothing chain, that has 78 stores in the U.S., featuring Ms. Moss has been cancelled. H&M had initially decided to keep Moss on but reversed itself after receiving an outcry of negative feedback from customers.

The Mayor expects that some 3-million-plus will heed the call to voluntarily leave, and has issued directions and information, telling residents that they should "be prepared to be away from the city for two-weeks, or more, and to have the appropriate supplies".

The City will provide buses for those without automobiles or the means in which to evacuate. The Mayor urged New Yorkers to "help those that need it - the elderly and infirmed" to leave the city.

The Mayor's Office has already notified news organizations and private owners of helicopters that their crafts "will be commandeered" in the event any emergency rescues are required.

Governor Pataki has called up the New York National Guard and is pre-staging equipment and supplies outside of Albany.

"This looks to be a Category 2, maybe 3, storm right now," said Pataki. "We'll have to wait and see if it grows larger."

FEMA officials have confirmed receiving the notification from New York City and have indicated "we'll do what we can". Sources say that privately, FEMA has told the Mayor "You won't see us for a few weeks".

The White House has told Bloomberg that the "President has no plans to fly into New York".

"His schedule is booked with flights to New Orleans," offered one White House official. "I don't know when we can squeeze him in up there. Right now, New York City is not on Karl Rove's radar"

Drug use in the Fashion Industry is not anything new, going back to one of the most celebrated cases, Vogue model Gia Carangi. Unknown actress, Angelina Jolie, catapulted to fame portraying the drug-addicted model in a feature film.

Moss burst onto the scene in the 1980's and was featured in major campaigns by Calvin Klein and other big-name fashion houses. Her thin, waif-like look was in demand, pushing her to virtual rock star status. Her off-runway life also contributed to her growing fame, notably from affairs with actor Johnny Depp and British rocker, Pete Doherty.

One fashion veteran believes this is all being overblown.

"For years, they told us she was heroin chic … Who knew?

In an effort to bridge the budget deficit, the White House announced today that they will place President Bush's "bathroom note" on eBay, with all funds going to the Hurricane Katrine relief effort

Top Ten Cloves; What Kim Jong il Really Wants For North Korea To Dismantle Nuclear Program

10. A secret bunker just like Dick Cheney's

9. Someone to teach him how to do a blog

8. Opportunity to host next years' Emmy Awards show

7. A hurricane named Kim Jong il

6. Lifetime, all-access pass to Disneyland China

5. Promise of a "heads-up" if Pat Robertson threatens to assassinate him

4. His own Apprentice show, just like Donald Trump and Martha Stewart

3. A little summer cottage on the Gaza Strip

2. Fully loaded iPod Nano, with the complete catalog of Elton John songs

1. Date with Renee Zellweger now that she's getting unhitched

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Tuesday 20 September 2005

President Accepting Blame For New Storm In Advance

Says "Not Waiting For FEMA To Screw Up"; Lights, Generators Packed For Another PrimeTime Speech

In a surprising move, and against the advise of some members of his staff, President Bush released a statement last evening "accepting blame" for Hurricane Rita, that is bearing down on the Florida Keys and heading into the Gulf of Mexico.

Forecasters are predicting Rita will gain strength, possibly a Category 2 or Category 3 hurricane, and make landfall somewhere along the Texas or Louisiana coastline.

The President's statement was brief

"We learn from our mistakes. I'm not going to sit here, or go on another vacation. I'm not going to attend any fundraisers. And I'm not going to wait for FEMA to screw up. I take responsibility for Hurricane Rita and I take responsibility for the solutions as well".

The White House predicts that the post-Hurricane Rita recovery will begin "no more than two-days" after the storm hits, a "significant improvement" from the nearly five-days it took for aid to reach New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.

The President's statement followed declaring State of Emergencies for the Florida Keys and the coastline of Texas.

The White House also announced that they are in the process of pre-staging the lighting and generators used by the President for his New Orleans speech last week in a "safe area near the vicinity" of where the storm is expected to land.

According to sources, Karl Rove insisted on moving the equipment.

"He wants that speech, that leadership moment, within hours of the crises, not three-weeks later".

Sources also indicate that there was a fair degree of in-fighting over having the President taking blame in advance, with fierce disagreement and arguing between Rove and Chief of Staff Andy Card.

Card, reportedly, was against the admission, and the moving of the speech equipment.

"Andy", said one source, "was livid. He was totally against it. He kept arguing with Rove, and the President, that they could hang the blame of Chertoff this time, that the President didn't have to take the hit."

Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, has come under increasing criticism over the response to Hurricane Katrina. His former FEMA Director, Michael Brown, resigned last week.

With the blame issue settled, there is still "bickering" going on as to elements of the speech.

"Rove wasn't pleased with the results of having the President make a long walk to the podium, and the casual, no-jacket look", said the source. "Look for a shorter entrance and, it's possible, they may break out the flight suit again."

In a recent New York Times interview, in which he described chaos and confusion in the days following Hurricane Katrina, former FEMA Director Michael Brown also admitted to a fear of helicopters

Zellweger Says Bad Salutation Caused Break-Up

Chesney's Greetings A Turn-Off; "He Didn't Get Me At Hello"

Oscar-winning actress Renee Zellweger, seeking an annulment of her four-month marriage to country music star Kenny Chesney, said this morning that Chesney had "some very poor greetings" and cited that as the cause of the break-up.

"He didn't get me at hello", said Zellweger, winner of a Best Supporting Actress award for her role in 'Cold Mountain'.

Ms. Zellweger was also nominated for Oscars for her work in “Chicago” and “Bridget Jones’s Diary.”

"When he greeted me, he'd say things like 'Hey' and 'Hi Y'all'. I thought things would change … get better … But they didn't."

“Entertainment Tonight” reported that the couple released a statement that read, in part “the miscommunication of the objective of their marriage at the start" is the only reason for this annulment.

The couple had a whirlwind romance that began in May. A surprise wedding followed, with the 36-year-old actress and Chesney, 37, exchanging vows in a small ceremony on the Caribbean island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

According to the syndicated television news magazine “The Insider”, the couple first met at the Concert of Hope tsunami relief benefit Jan. 15, where Chesney was singing and Zellweger was answering telephones

Zellweger has told ''People Magazine' that she's still "looking for her Prince Charming" and someone "that can greet me properly and speak in proper English and complete sentences"

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During The Afghanistan Voting

10. Between Iraq and that hurricane, we can kiss off getting any U.S. funding next year

9. Figure my grandchild will be seven, eight-years-old before we get any elections results

8. I think the voting would go a lot faster if they had more then one pen to use

7. Is the satellite working tonight? I want to watch the Emmy Awards

6. Which warlord did you vote for?

5. I'm sure glad we didn't have to do that silly 'purple finger' thing like the Iraqis

4. Hey, those people in New Orleans got it easy. At least they have homes they could be flooded out of

3. Do you know if they sent Osama bin-Laden an Absentee ballot?

2. Want to stop by after voting and help me beat my daughter - she was flirting again with that boy from Jalalabad

1. When is President Bush going to take the blame for screwing up our country?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday 19 September 2005

Cheney Slated For Surgery; Halliburton Gets No Bid Contract

$26M For Operating Room Clean-up; "Can't have VP's DNA Floating Around" Says White House

The White House announced last Friday, after a breaking story in 'RollCall' by reporter Mary Ann Akers, that Vice President Dick Cheney will undergo elective surgery this weekend to treat and repair an aneurysm in an artery behind his right knee.

The condition was discoved in a routine checkup earlier this year and is considered "elective" and minor, so as not to become a larger problem in the future.

"It will take place next weekend. It will be performed under local anesthetic and involve a short hospital stay. The vice president will return to work shortly thereafter, said Steve Schmidt, the vice president's counselor on Friday.

Mr. Cheney has suffered heart problems for over 25-years, including four heart attacks and, since 2000, having a stent, pacemaker and defibrillator implanted.

In a related matter, Halliburton the company formerly run by the vice-president, has been awarded a $26-Million contract to perform clean-up work in the operating room after the surgery.

Halliburton has come under fire recently, for cost overruns with No-Bid contracts received for work in the Iraqi reconstruction and, reportedly has been awarded additional No-Bid contracts for work related to the clean-up in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan defended the hight cost of the Halliburton contract.

"As what happens in an operating room," said McClellan, "you'll have blood and other hazardous waste materials that must be cleaned-up and and disposed under certain state and federal guidelines. The company that was awarded the contract has the experience, manpower and equipment for the job. It's all very standard work."

"We also have security issues, We can't have any of the vice-president's DNA floating around out there," added McClellan. "Only a select few companies are authorized to handle that."

McClellan would neither confirm or deny the rumor that Vice Admiral Thad Allen will be sent up to Washington to oversee the vice president's operation and clean-up.

"When we're through rebuilding New Orleans, I'm going to DisneyWorld!" ...

News In Brief 19 September 2005

New Saturday WSJ Causes Mass Confusion and Panic

Thousands Show Up At Locked Offices; Lower Manhattan Gridlocked

Wall Street and Lower Manhattan were gridlocked Saturday morning as scores of thousands of traders and stock market executives attempted to get into their offices after receiving the new, Saturday edition of the Wall Street Journal.

"I opened my door to get the 'Times and, bam, I see the Journal," said one trader from Citibank. "I didn't stop to think. I just rushed to get dressed and zoomed down here to the office. I never looked at the date on the paper."

Thousands massed outside the New York Stock Exchange, as well as office building throughout lower Manhattan. Some were dressed in suits and ties, others with more casual clothing. There were more than a handful still wearing pajamas.

The scene was replicated in cities across the country, including Chicago, Los Angeles and San Francisco.

Dow Jones, publisher of the Wall Street Journal, said it saw a Saturday issue as a means to beef up its' advertising revenue in entertainment, travel and leisure, by offering softer news and features.

Ironically, the first Saturday-issue editorial called for Wall Street to resume Saturday trading, something the stock exchange stopped doing over a half-century ago.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard at the Emmy Award Last Night

10. I'll bet Trump will have all his apprentices wearing overalls next week

9. Is it true Erik Estrada is making a comeback in that new, F.E.M.A. show next season?

8. I'll bet within two-years, Lost jumps the shark and has a FedEx scene in it

7. I heard they're giving Martha Stewart an Emmy for Best Ankle Bracelet

6. Does DeGeneres have a contract that she can only host the show after disasters?

5. If Shatner starts singing, I'm outta here

4. Nobody from PBS is here; Rumor has it that if anyone showed up, they'd be put on Tomlinson's list

3. I came prepared; I've got water and rations for three days tucked under my seat

2. I heard they had Ian McShane's vocal cords severed, in case he wins

1. They start casting tomorrow for Law and Order: Special Hurricane Victims