Thursday, November 10, 2011

Breaking News! ... Vatican Dispatching Cardinal Bernard Law To Penn State

Sources tell 'The Garlic', that after an all-night session, Pope Benedict XVI  is dispatching  Archpriest of the Papal Basilica of Saint Mary Major Bernard Law  to Penn State, to offer The Vatican's assistance in the burgeoning sexual abuse scandal.


Last night , Pennsylvania State University President Graham Spanier, and the school's legendary football coach Joe Paterno were fired by the Board of Trustees, over their handling of former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky's sexual abuse of, at least, eight young boys.

"Lights were burning all night ... Cars coming-and-going," offered one observer.

In a brief statement, Pope Benedict XVI said he "sympathized" with the Penn State officials, and is offering the Vatican's "complete playbook" on how to obfuscate and deny any knowledge or responsibility for sexual abuse.

"We know, and especially with this happening at a university, the Hippie Culture of the 1960's is to blame ."

The Pope added that "Bernie Law is just the guy they need at this time."


Unconfirmed reports say that Law is authorized to offer any, and all, Penn State officials caught up in the sexual abuse scandal, sanctuary at The Vatican, where they can benefit from the lack of Extradition, from any criminal charges that may come from this case.

More, as this story develops.

Bonus Riffs

Alyssa Rosenberg: The Shame Of Joe Paterno 

John Cole: Paterno Out 

Bob Ryan: Immediate removal was the correct step 

Eric Wilbur: State of idiocy 

My Boy Lollipop 

Beyond Repugnant 

Retro Garlic: "We Got An Eight-Page Layout With Viceroy ... The New Pope Is A Thinking Man ..." 

Update Bonus Riffs

John Scalzi: Omelas State University 

Steven L. Taylor: Witness to Assault Still on Penn State Coaching Staff 

Daniel Strauss: Pa. senators no longer support Joe Paterno for Medal of Freedom 

Monday, November 07, 2011

Let The Sainthood Begin!

Well, the fix is in, they have their Fall Guy.

We speak of the former medical practitioner, the prescription-pad-to-the-stars, Dr. Conrad Murray, who, when receiving his sheepskin from whatever matchbook medical warehouse he come out of, surely couldn't have envisioned he would wind up on the Shit Train running out of Never Never Land.


Jackson's doctor found guilty of manslaughter - Conrad Murray faces up to four years in jail, will be sentenced Nov. 29

The jury deliberated less than nine hours ...

What pikers!

They're sitting on the Entertainment Trial of the new millennium, and they only suck out one lunch from it?

That's barely enough time for TMZ, or People Magazine, to nail down the Exclusives!

So, gird up for a new round of Jacko Worship.

See, the drug-addicted, un-convicted child molester didn't kill himself, it was the big, mean money-whore of a doctor that did it ...

Let the Sainthood begin!

Bonus Never Never Land Riffs

The Tsunami To Come

Unconvicted Child Molester Summoned For His Judgement Day

Top Ten Cloves: What The Michael Jackson Jury Will Talk About When They Get The Case

Wild Motion Overshadows Jackson Trial Final Arguments ...Jackson Offers To Sequester Jury At Neverland; Invites Jurors To "Bring Their Children"

Top Ten Cloves: Things Larry King Would Have Said If He Had Testified In Michael Jackson Trial

Jacko Bombshell! ...Jackson Offers Embattled West To Be Mayor of Neverland ...Needs Experienced Help; 4-Year Contract, Regardless of Either Trial's Outcome