Friday, June 30, 2006

Breaking News! White House, Congress To Clear “Outrage Backlog”

Bush, Congress Plan Retro Rebuke Of Novak, Sun-Times Over Plame Leak

Tracing Funds, Gay Marriage, Flag Amendment, War On Terror Cited For “Outrage Backlog”

The Garlic has learned from sources on Capital Hill that the Congress, along with the full backing and participation of President Bush and the White House, are planning on delivering a stinging rebuke and resolution to Chicago Sun-Times Columnist Robert Novak , for his publishing the name of CIA Agent Valerie Plame, back in 2003.

“This isn’t as treasonous as The New York Times,” huffed Senator Peter King (R-NY), “and we don’t know yet if it is against the law, but Novak and the paper shouldn’t have done it.”

Former Representative, the indicted Tom “The Hammer” Delay, said earlier this week that “Valerie Plame was not a CIA agent” voiced his approval of the Congressional resolution against Novak.

“I have a solution for Novak, and The New York Times,” said Delay, “but I’m not in that business any longer.”

It wasn’t clear if Delay was referencing his former position of power, as House Majority Leader, or his career before politics, as an exterminator and founder of Albo Pest Control

Novak, Wilson and Plame Sit At The Starting Line

Following President Bush’s 2003 State of the Union Address, where Bush made what is now known as a false claim, that Saddam Hussein and Iraq were pursuing enriched uranium in Africa, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson was sent to Africa to investigate and, on July 6, 2003, Wilson penned an Op-Ed column in The New York Times (What I Didn't Find in Africa) detailing the lies the President offered in his State of the Union Address

One-week later, Novak, in his column on July 14, 2003 (Mission To Niger), Novak criticized Wilson and his findings, as well as exposing the identity of Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame.

“Wilson never worked for the CIA, but his wife, Valerie Plame, is an agency operative on weapons of mass destruction. Two senior administration officials told me that Wilson's wife suggested sending him to Niger to investigate the Italian report. The CIA says its counterproliferation officials selected Wilson and asked his wife to contact him. "I will not answer any question about my wife," Wilson told me.”

On or near September 29, 2003, the CIA asked the Justice Department to investigate who leaked the name of covert CIA officer Valerie Plame

What has followed in in the nearly three-year investigation is a scene of a White House committed to shooting down their critics, over the build-up to War in Iraq, as well as its’ policies and strategies.

Hastert: “Congress Swamped With Important Issues – Gay Marriage, Flag-Burning and Labeling Dems’ Quitters

At a Press Briefing this afternoon, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow admitted that there has been an “Outrage Backlog” and the President wants to “get back on track” and “stand-up” for his principles.

“I have to tell you, as many of you know,” sighed Snow, “the President has been so dog-gone busy ... Fighting the Global War on Terror, tracing all the funds the terrorists are trying to use ...Putting together a government in Iraq ... Keeping the economy humming, that he’s had to table .. to set aside his outrage on a lot of issues ...”

“Well,” Snow continued, “the gloves are coming off now and quite a few people are in for a come-uppance.”

Appearing with Snow at the Briefing was House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL).

Hastert echoed Snow, saying that Congress has “been swamped in important issues”.

“We had to deal with so many vital issues and bills this session,” said Hastert. “Gay Marriage ... Flag-burning, to name just two ... Not to mention going through the motions on Immigration, and labeling the Democrats for wanting to Cut-and-Run ... That takes a lot out of you and, I can say for my colleagues in the Congress, you don’t always have the energy to be outraged everyday ...”

“Fighting for a non-binding resolution,” added Hastert, “takes just as much work and effort as it does to pass a real bill, with real laws and consequences.”

There was no word from the Senate, and any plans to rebuke Novak and the Sun-Times.

The office for Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) issued a statement that indicated Frist was going to “videotape the House rebuke” and “study the resolution” and evaluate “everything very thoroughly” before calling for any Senate action.

Rove and Libby Getting Pass On Outrage Resolution

According to our sources, both Karl Rove and Lewis “Scooter” Libby will not be attached to the rebuke and resolution, and that was confirmed by Congressman David Drier (R-CA).

“Yes, that’s true,” said Drier.

“We felt it would be inappropriate of the House, with a court case pending, to drag Libby into it.”

Libby is currently awaiting trial in January, on five counts of lying to Federal Investigators and the Grand Jury being run by Special Prosecutor Scott Fitzgerald.

“And,” added Drier, “Karl Rove was cleared by Fitzgerald ... So whether he talked to Novak or any other reporters, he was declared innocent, so any conversations he had about Valerie Plame and who he had them with, is irrelevant.”

It is now public record that Rove talked and leaked Ms. Plame’s name to Matt Cooper of Time Magazine.

Libby’s contact for passing on the information was former New York Times reporter, Judith Miller.

“Just like The New York Times, Novak and the Chicago Sun-Times are the one’s who did the damage.”

The call to rebuke Novak over the exposure of Valerie Plame, comes one-day after a GOP-led effort in the House to rail against The New York Times, for their their printing of the story, last week, of the Bush Administration’s combing through financial records in an effort to find terrorist funding

The resolution, which passed with a 227 to 183 party-line vote, was softened to “news media organizations” and not specifically signaling out The New York Times (or the Los Angeles Times, Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal, who also printed stories on the money snooping) and also condemned the unidentified sources who leaked information of the program to the newspapers, saying that the House "expects the cooperation of all news media organizations" in protecting the government's capability "to identify, disrupt, and capture terrorists."

Snow, at the Press Briefing indicated that “we should gain some momentum now” as to cleaning up the backlog of outrage.

“I can’t say how long it will take,” offered Snow. “It may last well into October or November, based on all the things the President wants to get off his chest.”

He’s the Decider,” added Snow, “And he’s going to be deciding quite a bit moving forward.”

House Speaker Dennis Hastert is working with the White House to clear a backlog of outrage, starting off with a stinging rebuke and resolution aimed at Chicago Sun-Times Columnist Robert Novak, for his outing of CIA Agent Valerie Plame

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On President Bush’s Trip To Graceland

News Item: Bush Takes Koizumi for Tour of Graceland

10. I can just see the World Weekly News next week ... Photo of Bush and Elvis, and a screaming headline of “Elvis Says Don’t Be Cruel; Tells Bush To Get Troops Home”

9. You know we’re going to hear it from Dobson and Falwell, for not taking Koizumi to a Christian Rock shrine

8. After Graceland, can we go visit Star Jones?

7. The King of Thailand plays saxophone and gives us a concert ... This cowboy, after seeing my iPod with all of Elvis’s song, gives me a jukebox with all of Elvis’s songs ... No wonder he’s so low in the polls

6. I don’t think the Japanese appreciated the autographed picture of the dead Zarqawi the President gave them

5. I’m sorry Mr. Prime Minister ... We know how much you wanted to visit it, however, the President doesn’t have time today to visit the Supreme Court

4. He keeps asking to see the freezer with $90,000 in it

3. Did you see the look on Koizumi’s face as we walked to Air Force One? ... I think he thought we were going to drop in, unannounced, to Baghdad again

2. Karl, don’t say anything ... I’m sure it’s just part of his daily routine to to read ‘The New York Times

1. I heard Cheney likes to lounge around in his Secret Bunker, wearing shades, long sideburns and a sequined jumpsuit

Visiting Graceland, once home of the iconic legend Elvis Presley, President George W. Bush and Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi check-out some of the late King’s sequined jumpsuits, said to be a favorite of Vice President Dick Cheney, while lounging in his Secret Bunker

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In Supreme Court, During Guantanamo War Crimes Trials Deliberations

News Item: Supreme Court Rejects Guantanamo War Crimes Trials

10. Can we redo our Redistricting ruling? ... That boob Delay doesn’t get it ... Now he’s saying that woman ... Wilson’s wife ... That she wasn’t a CIA Agent

9. We run the risk, in ruling against the President, that he could issue another Signing Statement, turn around and detain us at Gitmo

8. We could have a busy October ... It looks like that Obama guy, and the Democrats, are jumping on the Jesus Wagon..

7. We won’t catch much flak for this ... Frist will go out and blame CNN for it

6. Since we’re citing the case Hamdan v. Rumsfeld, 05-184, it wouldn’t surprise me to to see some retired judges start calling for Rumsfeld’s resignation

5. While we’re all together, anybody want to weigh in on the Star Jones/View thing...

4. Who wants to bet the Scooter Libby’s lawyer will ask for these files too?

3. You know, you just know, the first “Same-Sex Marriage” case we get, the plaintiff’s brief will have something in it about Superman being gay

2. Let’s get one fact straight, up front – No leaks to the New York Times on this one

1. Clarence! ... You want to close your laptop and join us please ... I don’t believe you’ll find many precedents on MySpace.Com

Indicted former Congressman Tom Delay said yesterday, in an attempt to defend Karl Rove that “Valerie Plame was not a CIA agent

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Garlic Exclusive! Looking To Keep The Base

White House, RNC Rolling Out Greatest Hits, Summer Reruns

Times Bashing, Santorum WMD’s Sign of Rove Bookmark For Base; Mehlman Promises “To Stay The Course On Dems”

No, you didn’t wake-up from an early summer nap, only to find you’ve gotten stuck in some kind of time-warp of a Fox News broadcast looping itself out on YouTube.

What you are seeing is a not-so-quiet, bold rollout of a new program, being launched by White House Special Councilor Karl Rove, and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman of jumping out in front of the networks and offering Summer Reruns of the Bush Administration’s greatest hits.

And, The Garlic has learned, through a secret memo, that a wildly extravagant “Mission Accomplished II” is being planned for the Labor Day Holiday.

Looking To Keep The Base

“They really went into it early,” says Eddie Mars, editor of 'Please Shoot Me', the newsletter that tracks the Fox News Channel.

“Last throes ... WMD’s ... Now, lining up against the liberal media ... This is classic Rerun material ... Rove and the rest are going after the base, looking to give them a thrill, and some hope, heading into the Mid-Terms.”

Mars admits that it is hard to say when the Rerun campaign started, offering that “the Administration, along with all the pundits, tend to just say the same thing, over-and-over,” but that it is likely, last week was the kick-off.

Cheney Launches Rerun Package with “Last Throes”

First, there was Vice President Dick Cheney defending and reprising his May 2005 “I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." at both a National Press Club speech and in an interview with CNN’s John King (and nearly a year ago, in June 2005, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer offered the Vice President an opportunity to “revise or amend those comments” and Cheney refused.

When asked by King last week, “,,, do you wish you could take those words back?, Cheney replied “No, I think that, in fact, we are making very significant progress ...”

“The last throes have been very effective for them,” said Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf'.

“It allows the Administration to be muscular, to infer progress and gains, without having to define them, to verify them.”

Varicator also points out that “the last throes” also gives the RNC pundits a launching pad, to defend President Bush’s decision to invade and occupy Iraq, or to justify the military’s continued presence there.

Santorum Races Into The Wings With WMD’s

Nothing fills in a Summer Rerun Package like an old favorite, something, even though you know the story, still makes you want to watch and feel good.

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), along with Congressman Peter Hoekstra (R-MI) deliver that “Must-Spin-TV” with their trumpeted call on the long-sought discovery of the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Santorum, down by over 18-points in his bid to be reelected to the Senate, and Hoekstra used a newly declassified report that showed coalition forces finding 500 munitions that turned out to contain degraded sarin or mustard gases.

With a “Take-That-In-Your-Face” approach, Santorum attempted to justify the find to rebut critics of the administration and show that Saddam Hussein did have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The report was quickly debunked, by an array of officials, from the Defense Department, as well as the Iraq Survey Groupand other agencies.

“This is not the WMD we were looking for when we went in this time," offered one top former U.S. Weapons Inspector.

With a still-measurable number of people believing the Saddam Hussein and Iraq were responsible, or involved in the 9-11 attack, the WMD story won’t be retired to TVLand anytime soon.

This dog still hunts,” said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em',

Old Stand-By “Liberal Media" Likely To Run For Months

Another favorite of the Bush Administration was also displayed last week – Attacking the Liberal Media.

“They’ve lived off this for the last five-years,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “And they’ll keep spooning it out until the day they leave office.”

The latest installment of this storyline came this past Friday and Monday, with the President, Vice President, Secretary of Treasury the White House Press Secretary and the entire cast of conservative talk show hosts and bloggers exploding and railing against The New York Times, for their reporting, last Thursday, on the Bush Administrations combing through financial records.

President Bush labeled the reporting on the bank surveillance “disgraceful”, while Cheney lamented that the Times exposure of this covert program is “making it more difficult for us to prevent future attacks against the American people."

Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary jumped in with "The New York Times and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know, in some cases, might overwrite somebody's right to live, and whether, in fact, the publications of these could place in jeopardy the safety of fellow Americans," while outgoing Treasury Secretary John Snow said the Times undermined a highly successful counterterrorism program and alerted terrorists to the methods and sources used to track their money trail.”

With the leaking of the Bank Surveillance Program, came a “In our last episode” moment, as the Administration is still at war with The New York Times for reporting on the secret NSA wiretapping and eavesdropping program last December.

“This is the gift that keeps on giving, for the White House and RNC,” said Mars. “They’re likely to run with this for months, at least up to the Fall Mid-Terms. It stirs up the base and it’s a horse they can’t beat to death often enough.”

“Cut-and-Run” and “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” Added As New Summer-Only Programs

No network would run a slate of just reruns, without sprinkling in a few new summer-only-run programs and the White House and RNC haven’t missed out on that.

Cut-and-Run” and “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” made their debuts last week, with two votes in the Senate, and the full star treatment by GOP lawmakers and rightwing pundits was in play, bashing the Democrats, implying they wanted to “surrender to the terrorists” in Iraq.

However, as with live events on television, glitches can occur and one of the star players landed one with a thud.

It was revealed over the weekend that General George Casey briefed President Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield on Troop Withdrawal plans, eerily similar to the plans offered by the Democrats in the Senate debate and vote last week.

“They’ll slap him down privately,” offered Varicator, “and it’s unlikely you’ll see Casey in any more episodes this summer.”

“This is what it is, a summer replacement series,” said Mars. “They’ll throw a few tease out that they plan on making it a permanent series, but the White House and RNC only want it out there for a short time, just enough to milk and leverage it for the Fall Mid-Terms. ”

RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman is committed to offering some new programming to the base, and to “stay the course on the Democrats”.

In a recent appearance, last week, on MSNBC’s “Hardball” program, Mehlman offered the tease of what is to come, saying "There's a debate within the Democratic party. John Kerry believes in the cut and run approach. Other people say maybe we should cut and walk or even cut and jog.”

Mission Accomplished II” Planned To Close Out Summer; Maybe End To Salad Days

Through sources close to the White House, The Garlic has learned of an extravagant “Mission Accomplished II” special celebration being planned for the Labor Day Holiday.

“We’re talking about it being on the level of a Super Bowl Halftime production,” said our source.

Likely, according to the secret memo, “Mission Accomplished II” will be coordinated with a troop
withdrawal from Iraq, and having the returning soldiers parade down Constitution Avenue.

Along with massive parades, speeches, live music and entertainment and air shows, planning is in the works to have non-lethal war games for children, to teach them about freedom and democracy.

The memo also cites tentative plans to have an aircraft carrier placed in the Tidal Basin, with President Bush, and the entire cabinet – all in flight suits – landing on the deck via helicopter

Last Chance To Play It Up ... President Medals For Libby, DeLay, Chalabi and Others

On the deck of the aircraft carrier, pending the results of an RNC Focus Group, President Bush will award the Presidential Medal of Freedom indicted former Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis ‘Scooter Libby, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, indicted former Congressman Tom DeLay, convicted former Bush Administration official David Safavian and two Iraqis, deputy prime minister and currently interim oil minister Dr. Ahmad Chalabi and defector-turned informant, Curveball

“This may be the last opportunity for the White House to play it up big,” offered Mars.

“If the numbers stay steady, it’s looking like the Republicans will lose the House, and, possibly the Senate. This would be an end to the salad days for the Bush Administration, and likely a boon for DC-area lawyers.”

Superstar singer Gwen Stefani is said to be on tap to perform in “Mission Accomplished II” parade and festivities being planned for the Labor Day Holiday, capping off the White House and RNC’s Summer Rerun Program

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In Senate Yesterday, During Flag Burning Debate and Vote

News Item: Not Quite the Banner Day One Might Have Hoped For

10. I motion that we have the Sergeant-At-Arms burn a flag right now, here on the floor, so we can see just how offensive it is

9. What happens if I have a flag in my house, and my house goes up in flames? Do I still get fined or go to jail?

8. Is it true what I heard ... Anyone that votes against it, has to go hunting with Dick Cheney?

7. What do we do, if we catch a flag burner, who is an illegal immigrant, and also part of a same-sex marriage?

6. You know, it doesn’t really matter – Bush will just issue another Signing Statement on whatever he wants about the flag

5. I heard the Leadership is going to submit a resolution, to protect Frist from burning his own bridges

4. Before I vote, I need to know is this to protect the American flag, or all flags?

3. No, we can’t use “Either your for it, or against it” – That’s, exclusively, the President’s line about the War On Terror

2. Why don’t we, instead of changing the Constitution, just pass a law that says they have to make flags out of flame-retardant material?

1. We got a pool going ... Before the end-of-the-day, either Cheney, Rove or Mehlman will leak a story that they have flag-burning rituals up at The New York Times

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Abu Ghraib Prisoner Release Today

News Item: Iraq releases 500 detainees from Abu Ghraib prison

10. Are we really being released, or is this just one of those fake news items for Bush?

9. I hope someone taped it for me ... I need to know who won American Idol this year

8. I hope I get home in time ... You know, for the period of time that the electricity is on

7. Oh well, so much for moving to American and getting a job with GM

6. I don’t know about you, but I’m putting my abuse photos up on eBay as soon as I get home, they’re autographed by the soldiers

5. Hey, let’s go join up with that insurgency ... You know, the one that’s in its final throes ... HA ... HA ...HA!

4. Did you believe the nerve of this guy? First he invades and occupies our country ... Now, he’s going through our banking records!

3. I don’t know how they fell for it ... I mean, everyone here knew that Curveball was a loser

2. Ah, the good life ... Released today ... Amnesty tomorrow

1. My cousin has a job waiting for me ... He goes around and finds old Mustard bombs and then sells them to that Senator Santorum, so he can claim he found WMD’s

“I don’t know how they fell for it ... I mean, everyone here knew that Curveball was a loser"

Monday, June 26, 2006

Developing Story - White House, Times Lob Shots At Each Other

Bin Laden, In New Video, Joins Bush In Slamming New York Times

Laments Lost Donations Over Lateness Of Banking Records Story; “First Our Phones, Now Our ATM’s”

In a new video, rushed out this afternoon and posted to numerous Islamic websites, still at-large Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden joined with President Bush in lambasting The New York Times, over their reporting on the Bush Administration’s surveillance of international banking records.

In the video, which offered English subtitles, as well as other effective production values, bin Laden was surrounded by newspapers – The New York Times,Washington Post, Wall Street Journal and Los Angeles Time – all of whom printed the story of the Bush Administration’s sifting through millions of financial transactions of U.S. citizens and companies.

White House, Times Lob Shots At Each Other

This was after a morning ripping of the newspaper by President Bush.

Reacting to the article, that first ran last Thursday, President Bush angrily denounced the newspaper, saying that printing the story of leaked information was "disgraceful"

"The fact that a newspaper disclosed it makes it harder to win this war on terror," Bush said, speaking with reporters, briefly, from the Roosevelt Room in the White House.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow kept the offensive going, later saying that the story was "a highly unusual departure" from the practice of newspapers honoring the secrecy of sensitive matters during wartime.

"The New York Times and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know, in some cases, might overwrite somebody's right to live, and whether, in fact, the publications of these could place in jeopardy the safety of fellow Americans," Snow said.

Snow refused to answer reporters’ questions on why the President waited four-days to speak out on The New York Times article.

First, last Friday, and then again this afternoon, Vice President Dick Cheney, lashed out at The New York Times.

On Friday, Cheney defended the Bank Records Program, saying that “to disclose vital national security programs, thereby making it more difficult for us to prevent future attacks against the American people,” and "That offends me."

Today, speaking at a fundraiser in Nebraska, Cheney expressed his outrage, saying;

"The New York Times has now twice -- two separate occasions -- disclosed programs; both times they had been asked not to publish those stories by senior administration officials," Cheney said. "They went ahead anyway."

Cheney went on to say that he believes The New York Times “is in its last throes of being a reputable news organization.”

New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller defended the paper’s printing of the story.

In a special letter, published yesterday, The New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller defended the paper’s printing of the story saying that “We believe The Times and others in the press have served the public interest by accurately reporting on these programs so that the public can have an informed view of them.”

Keller also pushed back on the Bush Administration.

By the way, we heard similar arguments against publishing last year's reporting on the NSA eavesdropping program. We were told then that our article would mean the death of that program. We were told that telecommunications companies would — if the public knew what they were doing — withdraw their cooperation. To the best of my knowledge, that has not happened. While our coverage has led to much public debate and new congressional oversight, to the best of our knowledge the eavesdropping program continues to operate much as it did before. Members of Congress have proposed to amend the law to put the eavesdropping program on a firm legal footing. And the man who presided over it and defended it was handily confirmed for promotion as the head of the CIA.”

Bin Laden: “First Our Phones, Now Our ATM’s”

In a long, lengthy diatribe, against both The New York Times, President Bush, and the United States, bin Laden tells of “lost donations” and how, at times, nothing was suspected as various Al Qaeda operatives had their ATM cards “eaten” by the automated teller machines.

“We thought the problem was with that bank ... that machine,” shouts bin Laden, “not that the infidels would actually be trying to trace our transactions.

“First our telephones,” said the Al Qaeda leader, referencing the story The New York Times broke last December, on the President using the NSA to eavesdrop and wiretap millions of telephone calls, in what was later titled the “Domestic Terrorist Surveillance Program, “now our ATM’s.”

Bin Laden goes on to express “complete surprise” that the Bush Administration was using the banking records program to get a bead on Al Qaeda activities.

“Why did this newspaper wait for a year to print this story?” laments the Al Qaeda leader. “It has been disappointing enough,” said bin Laden, “that they put up this Selected Wall, that takes away some of the writings that we use to track Satan Bush ...”

The terrorist leader reference is to the new feature of The New York Times, TimesSelect.

For a fee ($49), a reader will have access to the Times’ Op-Ed columnists, such as Maureen Dowd, Thomas L. Friedman, Bob Herbert, Paul Krugman, Frank Rich, as well as features and columnists from other sections of the newspaper, and the International Herald Tribune.

Bin Laden Gives Thumbs Down On Gore Film

Later in the video, bin Laden made a veiled reference to having to cash in some of his own stock portfolio – his oil stocks - since the price of crude has been riding all-time highs, to continue to finance the Al Qaeda operations.

“Now I have the wanna-be-devil Gore trying to drive me into financial ruin, with that new film of his,” sighed the gaunt-looking bin-Laden, speaking to the Al Gore documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth”.

Government officials are still examining the video, and haven’t come to a conclusion if bin Laden’s critique of Gore’s film was just that, or, if his talk about stocks was a coded signal to any cells here in the United States.

It is being reported that one of the would-be terrorists arrested in Florida last week last week was carrying a gasoline credit card and officials in the case are looking to see if that provides any ties to bin Laden or Al Qaeda.

Vice President Dick Cheney predicted today that the New York Times is “is in its last throes of being a reputable news organization”

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Roger Ailes and Fox News Plans On Ending Its’ Ratings Slump

News Item: Ailes Cracks Whip as Fox News Slips

10. Build up more buzz – Get all present and former Fox News hosts to slam and insult Helen Thomas

9. Steal Rita Cosby back from MSNBC

8. Have Hannity & Colmes switch ideologies (Risky, being that Hannity can’t help still coming off as a pinhead )

7. Get WaPo columnist Richard Morin to balance things out, and say the Neil Cavuto is an “Enemy of Democracy

6. Build-up for November Sweeps, Prime-Time Special of Britt Hume taking the stick out of his butt and auction off stick on eBay


4. Ann Coulter, 7/24/365!

3. Allow John Gibson to go on air, without taking his medication

2. Teach Bill O’Reilly how to use facts in his arguments

1. Save some budget and just run with the Fake News Items that the Bush people put out... Oh shoot! ...We’re already doing that ...

Fox News, in an effort to boost their sagging ratings, may let news anchor John Gibson on-air, without his medication

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 25 June 2006

Kinky Friedman, who recently has been certified to appear on the November ballot as a candidate for the race of Governor of Texas, and, potentially, the first Independent Texas Governor since Sam Houston, said that, if elected, and if Tom Delay gets convicted, he’ll commute his sentence to public service.

“I want to see that weasel, in an orange jumpsuit, hammering out picking up roadside trash in the broiling heat for a few months”

Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) said he was undecided that, if he loses his Democratic primary race to Ned Lamont, that he run in the general election as an Independent. Lieberman said that will hinge on whether the “RNC can get those Ohio voting officials into Connecticut and certified in time” to alter the election in Lieberman’s favor

The White House admitted this week that President Bush, on any given day, takes to wearing “shoe lifts”.

“Some days, the President just wants to stand taller then he usually does in his War Against Terrorism,” said one official

Congressman Will Jefferson (D-LA) announced this week that, with Summer officially on now, he plans on carrying $40,000-$50,000 in cash “around in a cooler”. The congressman refused to say if the cooler was a gift, or something he purchased but did suggest that it was important to his work

Col. Muammar Qadhafi
, still cautious that President Bush will invade and occupy Libya, offered, through Swiss Officials, to let Libya be the target of the North Korean missile, to show his “goodwill” in wanting good relations with the United States

After a protracted session, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow came to agreement with the White House Press Corps.

Snow will write 500-times on a blackboard “I will not pick on Helen Thomas anymore”, after Snow belittled and scolded the veteran reporter for simply following up on a question

Poll Results - Our First Dead-Heat! ... The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 18 - June 24 2006 ... New Poll - 25 June 2006 - Sears Tower Terror Plan ...

Michigan State University head coach Duffy Daugherty once said that “a tie is like kissing your sister ...

We doubt that we’d get many people lining up to kiss Karl Rove, but The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 18 - June 24 2006, asking - With Karl Rove’s theme of Cut-and-Run for the GOP’s Fall Mid-Term Elections, what Rove really means is ... – we ended up with our first dead-heat poll

The Results

1. Cut a deal with the Special Prosecutor so he doesn’t get indicted - 34%

1. Cut down the opposition with lies, innuendo and smears - 34%

2. Run a corruption-filled majority government - 20%

3. Run a disastrous Domestic Agenda for the White House - 13%

This week’s Poll - The Sears Tower Terrorist Plot uncovered this week is likely to ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote