Friday, August 19, 2005

Friday 19 August 2005

The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel will be on vacation August 19 - August 28.

Take some time to catch up on our stories, or, use the links below to review some of the most popular and most viewed Garlic articles.

Bush May Tap Coulter For Energy Source

Jackson Offers Embattled West To Be Mayor of Neverland

Top Ten Cloves: What The Two Pilots In The Cessna Were Talking About During DC Evacuation

Felt Admits To Being 'You're So Vain' Target

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

Special Note

You can catch America's best satirist, Barry Crimmins and his live reports for the Randi Rhodes Show from Camp Casey in Crawford, Texas on Air America Radio.

Read Barry's article, 'Home On The Range' in the lastest edition of 'The Boston Phoenix'.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Thursday 18 August 2005

Possible Break In Crawford Impasse: President Mulling Humming To Peace Mom

Can Keep Normal Vacation Schedule; Plans Centered On Tunes, Earphones, iPod or Radio

A possible break in the standoff between President Bush and Cindy Sheehan, the "Peace Mom" protesting out in front of the President's Crawford vacation ranch is being broached by White House staff members said today, as Mrs. Sheehan will be moving her growing 'Camp Casey' to within one-mile of the President.

Sources have told The Garlic that a memo has been delivered to Sheehan, indicating the President would meet with her, but will only hum during their time together. Aides to the President consider this offering to be "flexible" and "a step in the right direction".

"If she accepts," said White House Communications Director Nicole Devenish, "the President can maintain his set schedule for the day. Depending on the time-of-day, Mr. Bush may be cutting brush, or, she can go for a bicycle ride with him."

While waiting for a response from Mrs. Sheehan, the White House Communications office has been working to cover all possible contingencies.

They have had the President practicing his humming talents, across various genres of music. The President is working on inflections, emulating various instruments, such as bass and drums and whether or not he should "silently lip-synch".

Sources say the President has also "improvised" by adding in "whistling".

Staffers are also testing hardware options, on whether the President should use his iPod, with earphone, or some other MP3 player. They are also considering casting a "retro ambiance" by using an old-fashioned transistor radio that the President can hum along to.

Devenish was emphatic that, in the first meeting between the President and Mrs. Sheehan, over a year ago, the President spoke to her and did not hum.

"The President won't be rehashing rhetoric here," stated Devenish. "This will be fresh content, in real-time, with the President having the ability to improvise as needed."

Devenish also said that "we're not breaking any new ground here."

"Clinton used to play his saxophone … Reagan walked around the White House singing show tunes."

The memo sent to Mrs. Sheehan invites her to "hum along with the President."

Devenish stated that "if we go with the iPod, we'll have one for Mrs. Sheehan, programmed exactly the same as the President's."

Any clue as to what tune the President will open with?

"Right now," said Devenish, "The President is leaning toward something by the Black-eyed Peas … But he's also been listening to that new Paul Anka CD"

President Bush was seen yesterday practicing his humming and, auditioning Condeleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfield as 'back-up hummers'. The goup playfully billed themselves as 'The Global Strugglers'.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Rush Limbaugh Thinks Mainstream Media Is Glomming

10. Attempts to discredit the "facts" that he broadcasts are really "errors"

9. That humans are responsible for global warming and destroying the ozone

8. That he's really a 'big fat idiot'

7. How Bill Moyers isn't a "lefty commie homo"

6. Ugly woman belong in society

5. His doctor shopping and addiction to OxyContin

4. On how "great" Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb is

3. The "proper treatment" of prisoners at Abu Ghraib

2. Rising gasoline prices at the President's fault, instead of real culprit, Rep. Marty Meehan

1. How Hillary Clinton isn't a 'leftist, lesbo commie'

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Wednesday 17 August 2005

Iraqi Constitution Delay Due To Writer's Block

Rituals, Special Foods, Beating Saddam All Employed To "Getting The Juices Flowing"

Critics charge that the delay in having, at minimum, a draft Iraqi Constitution, is due to the stress and pressure - at times, literally under fire - of keeping pace with the artificial deadlines imposed by the Bush Administration.

While those reasons may factor into it, there is a more common problem that appears to be the root of the issue.

Late last night, The Garlic, in an exclusive, learned that a majority of the members of the constitution committee 'writer's block', including President Jalal Talabani.

In and on-and-off-the-record interview, American ambassador, Zalmay Khalilzad, who has worked closely with the Iraqi leaders, both throughout the constitution-writing process and Monday evening, as the deadline loomed over them, said that "we could see this coming now for a few weeks."

Khalizad would not confirm or deny which specific members have writer's block but did say it was "prevalent" within the committee.

"We took time-outs, had leisurely lunches, and really tried to make it a fun exercise," said the ambassador.

Khalizad stated that it became apparent "about two-weeks" ago that the committee was "fatigued" and showing the first signs of writer's block. One member of the committee was obsessively rearranging his desk, constantly moving and placing objects with painfully attentive care.

Soon, it mushroomed, with members chanting, wearing the same clothes for days and bringing into the meeting, farm animals.
Though a number of committee members didn't know what to call it, the issue of writer's block was addressed directly.

The constitution writing sessions evolved into a tightly scheduled practice. Khalizad said that he did offer "suggestions" and was there to assist, to "get the juices flowing".

Special foods were prepared and many breaks were taken. For those that paced, they were given notepads and pens and asked to jot down ideas as they walked around the room.

One group of members, according to Khalizad, took a helicopter ride over Baghdad for "inspiration".

And, the most controversial measure taken, of which Ambassador Khalizad would not comment on, but was confirmed by other sources, was the beating for former leader, Saddam Hussein.

Late one evening, at least eight members (some accounts say 12) were taken to the prison holding Hussein and the members punched and kicked the former dictator for "at least 20-minutes"

"They were screaming and yelling," according to one sources. "Hussein didn't know what the hell was going on."

Khalizad said that "a few members have already come out of it" and is confident the remaining members with writer's block will soon follow.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice offered only that "these Iraqi leaders are taking the brave step toward democracy."

President Bush is on vacation and could not be reached for comment.

The cast of HBO's 'Sopranos' has reached out to the Bush Administration, advising they will offer their services to go to Iraq, and "give those guys alittle nudge" as to completeing the new Iraqi Constitution.

Top Ten Cloves: New Names Rejected By P Diddy

10. Camp Combs

9. P Diddy Lite

8. Howdy Diddy

7. Million Dollar Diddy

6. Hi Di Hi Di Hi Di Diddy

5. New Iraqi Constitution Diddy

4. Diddyoogle

3. Diddy or Doesn'ty

2. iDiddy

1. Diddy Have Her Before Affleck

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Tuesday 16 August 2005

Stymied By Publishers, Google To Digitize Bazooka Joe Comics

If Impasse Prolonged, Google To Continue With Baseball Cards, Shopping Coupons

Rebuffed last week by publishers and trade groups, forcing them to suspend scanning copyrighted material of some of the world's largest libraries and universities, Google announced today that they will move forward with their Google Print project and begin digitizing the Bazooka Joe comics.

Bazooka Bubble Gum became famous for its' Bazooka Joe comics that they included in each piece of gum sold. Bazooka Joe was first introduced in the gum in 1953 and now has over 700 comic strips strips in its' archives.

"It's a start," lamented Adam Smith, a senior product manager at Google. "We want to scan the world, so this is as good a place to start as any."

Google had to temporarily halt its' Google Print program, that will make searchable, digital copies of the vast contents of three university libraries, to give publishers and other copyright holders the chance to opt out of having their protected works copied.

Google has reached agreements to scan digital copies of some of the world's largest university library collections, including Harvard, Stanford, the University of Michigan, as well as with Oxford University and the New York Public Library.

Publishers and a publishing trade association called the opt-out offer inadequate, saying that the search giant is trying to upend copyright law.

Patricia Schroeder, the former Colorado congresswoman who is president and chief executive of the Association of American Publishers, the trade group, said one concern is "How is an author even supposed to know that his or her work is being copied?"

Ms. Schroeder said that the publishers were in favor of expanding access to the content that they publish, but that some publishers have said they were concerned that Google might begin to sell advertising related to the results of searches of copyrighted material without sharing the revenues with the copyright owners.

Google defended its project as a benefit to all parties.

``These copies are permitted under copyright law,'' said a Google spokesman in an e-mail interview Friday. ``By participating in the Google Print program and making the full text of their books searchable via Google, publishers and authors can attract new readers and increase book sales.''

Google has arbitrarily set a November 1st deadline for publishers to respond, advising which copyright material it can't use.

Bazooka, through a company spokesperson, said it is "thrilled to be scanned" and indicated that it may integrate it into the storyline of the Bazooka Joe comics.

Smith indicated that, if the impasse with publishers isn't resolved, the Google Print program will continue with its mission, and take on scanning baseball cards, shopping coupons and fortune cookie strips.

After clearing Paula Abul, rumors are circulating that American Idol is planning on replacing Rueben and Simon as judges with Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward

Male Chefs To Join Crawford Protest

Will Demand Answers Why Female Named To Exec White House Position

Hundreds of male chefs plan to arrive in Crawford, Texas today, to begin protesting the White House naming Cristeta Comerford as
the first woman to be the White House executive chef.

The group of male chefs say that the President had not been "upfront" with them during the lengthy selection process and they want answers.

"We have a long tradition to protect," offered Rafael Chenzo, a deserts chef from Richmond, VA.

Former White House Executive Chef Walter Scheib III was "pushed out" this past February by Mrs. Bush. Susan Whitson, the first lady's press secretary said that the "mission was accomplished" as to the quality of the White House cuisine and it was "time for a change."

"Picking Cris as the first woman chef is a good publicity move, I expect," said the ousted Scheib.

The chefs want to ask to ask the President if he knew of the move and when he knew it. They also want answers if there are plans to move other male chefs out of government positions.

The male chefs will be joining the protest of Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain U.S. soldier who has been camped out in Crawford for over 10-days, demanding to talk with President Bush and find out what "the noble cause" is that her son died for in Iraq.

Sheehan said that she "welcomes" the chefs to "Camp Crawford" and wished them well in their protest.

"We'll be out there, with our signs, toques and aprons," said Scheib. "We won't be leaving until the President talks with us."

Scheib indicated that the male chefs will run a food concession, for the other protesters.

"It will be a well-fed protest," said Scheib. "And we know some dishes, that, once they start cooking, and the President gets a whiff, he'll coming running to us.

Top Ten Cloves: What Iraqi Assembly Will Do Over Next Week To Build Constitution

10. Sending a few member to Crawford, to see what Cindy Sheehan thinks they should do

9. Study Jeanine Pirro's public speaking style

8. Wants to wait and see if Roberts gets confirmed

7. Will receive delegation from ABC, to talk about new reality series - Desperate Assembly Members

6. Come to terms with GoldenPalace.Com, for piece of Baklava with image of Allah on it

5. Planning to have a "Constitution Sunday" and they will invite Bill Frist

4. Build consensus to dump Islam and start talks with Southern Baptists

3. Debating whether or not to wait until they have Constitution to condemn Bush for naming female White House Chef

2. Assigning teams to search through eBay for any used Constitutions

1. Starting talks with Israel, to see if Sunni's can be moved into Gaza also

Monday, August 15, 2005

Monday 15 August 2005

Pope, Vatican Relieved New Sex Scandal Is Adultery

Videotape Flown To Rome; Teams of Lawyers, Denial Machine Stand Down

The Vatican announced today that Pope Benedictus XVI
was "relieved" that the St. Patrick's Cathedral sex scandal was a matter of "adultery" and not, as events that that rocked the Catholic Church over the past 5-years, an abuse of young boys.

A Vatican spokesperson stated that, after additional information was gathered, including having flown to Rome, the videotape that alleges Msgr. Eugene V. Clark and Mrs. Laura DeFilippo carried on an illicit affair, did the Pope "relax, and was happy that a new wave of negative media wasn't being visited on the church."

The Vatican called for a "stand down" of an army of lawyers that is kept on retainer and the Vatican Press Office immediately ceased working on the pages of denials being prepared.

The stand-down order was too late to stop Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), who has a three-year contract with the Vatican to defend the church and deflect attention away from any sex abuse reports.

Santorum, on Friday, lambasted Boston once again, blaming the alleged affair on Boston's "liberals" and, indirectly, suggesting the Kennedy family as being involved.

"Look, for one, there's a lot of Kennedy's in New York and they worship at St. Patrick's. So there's a clear line right there."

Earlier this year, Santorum defended remarks he made over three-years ago, putting blame of the enormous sex abuse scandal in the Boston Archdiocese, in an on-line essay, citing Boston's liberal culture was a ''sexual license and sexual freedom that nurtured an environment where sexual abuse would occur.

Santorum's office stated that the stand-down order was received, however, after Santorum had made his comments.

"The Senator will have no further comment at this time."

It's being reported that, after reviewing the videotape and documents on the Clark-DeFilippo affair, Pope Benedictus XVI broke open with celebration, having his favorite Germany beer brought in and an impromptu "party" took place.

This included a telephone call to St. Patrick's Cathedral, where the Pope and Msgr. Clark talked privately.

Sources that were present said, in overhearing parts of the conversation, Pope Benedictus was "ribbing" Msgr. Clark, joking with him and reportedly asked if "he was using Viagra or Cialis."

Citing more Republican "pork spending", Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) cited "hundreds-of-thousands" in waste, having Federal agents guarding photos

Bush Administration Grounding Iraqis Over Missed Deadline

Had Warned Playing With Friends, Staying Out Late Would Lead to Consequences

President Bush is said to be "furious" with the Iraqis, over missing today's deadline to have a constitution in place and is considering taking action.

"The President, as well as other members of his staff," stated White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, "have repeatedly cautioned and warned the Iraqis on the deadline."

Reportedly, the Iraqis paid little attention to the deadline, according to other White House sources.

"They were out, partying with friends, staying out all hours of the night, dropping reconstruction money like it was water," said one source.

"They just kept saying to Rice, Rumsfield and others that it wasn't a problem … That they'd take care of it," said another source

The President is considering a number of actions to take, to bring the Iraqis around to focus on the work they have to do. McClellan stated two measure are being instituted immediately;

- The President is taking away television privileges for all National Assembly members, until there is, at minimum, a working draft.

- A number of "key" assembly members have been grounded. They can report to work but then, must return straight home, no lingering or "hanging out" with friends.

"The President hopes that this sends a message and that they will buckle down and get to work."

The Iraqis have complained to the Bush administration that such punishments are unfair and that "none of the other National Assemblies in the area are being treated in this manner."

Fingerpointing has surfaced as the Sunnis, Shiites and Kurdish all have blamed each other.

The President has remained resolute, saying all three groups will be punished and also indicated there are other measure that may be instituted, including giving the Iraqis "extra chores", and extending the television ban into the Fall and "not letting them watch the World Cup action."

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Justice Sunday II

10. Ratings should be good - I think 'Desperate Housewives' is still in reruns

9. Think those South Koreans can clone Conservatives?

8. I know we bumped Frist, but did anybody get his videotapes to use tonight?

7. Okay, we want them to stick to the Constitution, but we gotta leave some room for when it helps us for them to be activists

6. Phyllis, we cannot not use the jumbo screens - Just chill out, it makes all our heads look gigantic

5. "Hey DeLay, now that Abramoff got indicted, where you getting your spare cash from?"

4. Any new feeding tube victims or do we still run with the Schiavo case?

3. We got a new problem - The White House just named a woman to be their Executive Chef

2. Okay, let's get it straight, this Cindy Sheehan woman, is she just an "ignorant harlot" or "Osama's whore"?

1. Hey, I don't blame that St. Patrick's guy - Did you see Dobson's personal secretary?