News In Brief 8 November 2005

Vatican Sends Warning To High Court Catholic Majority

Wants Proof No Justices Are Gay; Plans On Sending Delegation To Interview Interns, Past and Present

Should President Bush's nominee, Samuel A. Alito Jr., win approval from the Senate and become an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, the high court will be comprised of five Roman Catholics, a first in the its' history.

And because of this, the Vatican today fired off a letter to Chief Justice John Roberts, seeking "a guarantee" that none of the Catholic Justices are gay.

Until 1988, there had been no more than two Catholic justices at once.

The Vatican is currently engaged in an all-out effort to rid the Catholic Church of homosexuals. They are putting considerable resources into this effort, including, as first reported by Sautéed Cloves, the weekend edition of 'The Garlic', teams with specially-trained canines that can "sniff out homosexuals, as well as forming a partnership with O.J. Simpson, to merge their two hunts.

The Vatican letter instructs that the Supreme Court is "obliged to respond and return the request information", citing an arcane Catholic Church law from the 1300's.

"The United States Supreme Court," said a Vatican spokesperson, "is a cathedral of justice and we have this law that gives the Vatican total rule over all cathedrals."

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) said he hopes the Roberts and the Supreme Court will "cooperate" with the Vatican. Santorum has previously stated he supports the Church in their efforts to root out gays.

"I would hope," said Santorum, "that there aren’t any unzipped zippers under those robes."

The Vatican has asked the Supreme Court for complete information on the Catholic Justices, and will be sending representatives to Washington, to collect the information, as well as to interview court interns.

If any information comes out in the investigation that a Supreme Court Justice is gay, the Vatican spokesperson indicated the information would be held "confidential". And if information surfaced that a Justice was an abuser of children, that would be handled discreetly as well.

"We have other churches and office that Justice could be relocated to."