Breaking News! Hagel Speech Causes Havoc

Payless Shoes Flooded With Job Seekers, Resumes

Applicants Looking For " The Safe Jobs Senator Hagel Talked About"; Tancredo Offers Threats

Officials from the Payless ShoeSource Corporation are managing a crises today, as their shoe stores around the country have been flooded with job seekers, waiving resumes and seeking to fill out applications.

The sudden boom, a Payless spokesperson said, was a direct result of the impassioned speech given by Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) during a Senate hearing on Wednesday.

"Not only our stores are bogged down with huge crowds," continued the spokesperson, "but our website nearly crashed and the fax machines in Human Resources have been going, non-stop."

During a Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearing on Wednesday, in which the committee voted 12-9 on a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush "New Way Forward" plan of sending more troops into Iraq, Hagel chided and challenged his colleagues.

"Sure it's tough. Absolutely. And I think all 100 senators ought to be on the line on this. What do you believe? What are you willing to support? What do you think? Why are you elected? If you wanted a safe job, go sell shoes."

Later, Hagel added;

"I would go back to where I began, and pick up on a point that Chairman [Richard] Lugar mentioned: coherence of strategy. I don't know how many United States senators believe we have a coherent strategy in Iraq. I don't think we've ever had a coherent strategy. In fact, I would even challenge the administration today to show us the plan that the president talked about the other night. There is no plan. I happen to know Pentagon planners were on their way to the Central Com over the weekend. They haven't even Team B'd this plan. . . . And I want every one of you, every one of us, 100 senators, to look in that camera, and you tell your people back home what you think. Don't hide anymore; none of us.

"That is the essence of our responsibility. And if we're not willing to do it, we're not worthy to be seated right here. We fail our country. If we don't debate this . . . we are not worthy of our country."

Internet and Faxes Jammed; Crowd Control Issues

Payless reports that calls, emails and faxes began coming in Wednesday evening, and as news to Hagel's speech spread around the Internet on Thursday, the volume increased.

Soon people began lining up at the stores, carrying resumes and looking to fill out applications, with dozens choosing to camp out on the sidewalks overnight to retain their place in line.

In Boston, hundreds of people lined up outside Payless Shoe Stores, braving sub-zero temperatures, to submit resumes and fill out employment applications. One bundled-up prospect enthusiastically offered that they hoped to get "the safe job Senator Hagel talked about."

"I don't even want to have to offer and opinion to anyone, whether to purchase brown shoes or black shoes." she said. "Just give me safe, no pressure work."

Reports coming into The Garlic say this scene was repeated in cities across the country.

In San Francisco, so many applicants swarmed to a Payless Shoe Store that police were called in, to control the crowd and reroute traffic.

Crowd control also became a problem in other cities, including New York, Chicago, Denver and Atlanta, as street vendors moved from their standard locations to the spots in front of Payless Shoe Stores, creating tensions and some fistfights as people left the line to purchase everything from food, water, and hot cocoa, to mittens and scarves.

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota was the scene of the most violence.

After the Payless Shoe Store announced they were out of applications, the crowd went wild, breaking windows and store displays, before ransacking it and starting small fires.

A spokesperson in Senator Hagel's office indicated the Senator was "unaware" of the stampede to Payless Shoe Stores, and urged citizens to act "responsibly".

With Hagel contemplating a possible entry into the 2008 Presidential Race, the spokesperson offered no comment if the Hagel Campaign will seek support from Payless, as well as the shoe industry.

Payless ShoeSource was founded in 1956 in Topeka, Kansas and generated over $2.7 billion in net sales in 2005, selling more than 182 million pairs of shoes. The company operates stores in all 50 U.S. states, plus Puerto Rico, Guam, Saipan, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Canada, Central America, the Caribbean, South America, and opened its first test store in Japan in November, 2004.

Rep. Tancredo Weighs In With Threats

With the Payless Shoe Store in his territory one of the locations experiencing being overrun today, Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) became irate, lashing out at Hagel and the Payless Shoe Corporation.

"I hope they have proper security at these stores," snorted Tancredo. "I better not find they're looking to go with cheap labor and are hiring illegal aliens. I plan on calling on the Attorney General to send teams of U.S. Marshalls to these stores to verify there isn't any undocumented workers there."

Tancredo indicated that, until the U.S. Marshalls arrive, the Arizona Minutemen promised to monitor the Payless Shoe Stores.

"As to Senator Hagel," continued an angry Tancredo, "I hope he isn't planning to launch a "Shoe Caucus" over there. We already have too many caucuses, with the Blacks and the Latinos. If he starts one, you can bet dollars-to-donuts that I'll add that to my list to abolish."

Yesterday, Tancredo announced he was opposed to race-based groups of lawmakers forming caucuses, as it amounts to segregation. Tancredo indicated he plans on taking measures to abolish such groups.

Tancredo, who holds a harsh position on Immigration and Border Security, is chairman of the Congressional Immigration Reform Caucus, which is not on his list as one he wishes to ban.


Payless Shoe Stores around the country were overrun with job applicants, following Senator Chuck Hagel's speech in the Senate earlier this week