Tuesday 13 December 2005

Iraq Pulls Late Switch On Voters; Will Follow Red Sox And Have Two Presidents

Leaving Iraqi Lights On For Boy Wonder Epstein To Join New Government; Red Sox Announce New Viewing Charge

Showing admiration for the Boston Red Sox naming co-General Managers, the Iraq National Congress threw its' voters, and the Bush Administration, a curveball by announcing they will add a second Presidential candidate and run the new government with "Co-Presidents".

"They won the World Series last year, they are very competitive and profitable," said U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad
"They have fierce rivalries, just like the country of Iraq. It will be a good operational model to follow"

According to Prime Minister Ibraheem AL.Jafari, members of the Iraqi Parliament met in an all-night session last night, following the Boston Red Sox naming Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington as co-General Managers, and as early voting began in Iraq.

"We know it's late in the game, as they say over in America, so we had to make the quick decision.

Larry Lucchino, Boston Red Sox President and CEO, was flattered by the Iraq announcement.

"I knew we carried a lot of weight in Red Sox Nation," said Lucchino, "but I didn't know our reach went all the way to Iraq.

President Jalal Talabani is reported to be in favor of the move to have co-Presidents. In a very brief press conference, Talabani indicated that "it will be good that it isn't all on one person, and that one person being myself."

The Bush Administration was stunned by the announcement, clearly indicating they were unaware of the talks going on inside the Iraqi Government.

"The President," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, "sees this as a positive step towards the building of democracy in Iraq.

McClellan declined comment if President Bush will have to rewrite his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" or just add new chapters.

"The President is confident in his plans, as is," offered McClellan.

Ambassador Khalilzad said that "the President being a former owner of a baseball team should work will with this new arrangement".

President Bush was a former owner of the Major League Baseball team, the Texas Rangers.

In dropping another shoe, President Talabani indicated that the Iraqi Government has begun talks with former Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. Epstein resigned back in November, after guiding the Red Sox to their World Series victory in 2004, breaking an 86-year drought.

Epstein, at the time, was the youngest General Manager in Major League Baseball.

Epstein's resignation stunned the Red Sox and their fans, as it appeared that the General Manager was about to sign a new contract. Rumors have suggested that Epstein bristled at not having autonomy and would continue having to report to Lucchino, his mentor.

Since the resignation, a constant buzz as been growing that Epstein will return to the Red Sox and, up until yesterday, in the role of filling the still vacant GM position. And Lucchino did nothing to dismiss the rumors, saying;

I would be 'fair to say there have been some general discussions about Theo coming back, but premature to discuss what role, if any, Theo could have.

''All we're saying is we'll keep the light on in the window, the door ajar, and if there's a fit, we'd like to see it happen."

'We've put the lights on here in Iraq," said Talabani. 'Our doors are open and we would welcome Mr. Epstein and his expertise."

The Iraqis, and the Bush Administration are preparing now for another war front - the bidding frenzy that will likely erupt on bringing Epstein to the Iraq Government.

Lucchino, and his two new co-General Managers, responded back to the Iraqis, attempting to steer them away from Epstein and gauging their interest in slugger Manny Ramirez, who, again, has asked to be traded, a move the Red Sox would like to accomplish , if only to unburden the team from Ramirez's huge contract.

There have been unconfirmed reports that New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is in talks with a number of Mid-East countries, as to bringing in "Yankee-style government" as a means to keep pace with bitter rivals, the Red Sox.

Commissioner Bud Selig is expected to approve the arrangement of Iraq co-Presidents and the Red Sox, so far, have not asked for any compensation.

To build up their own War Chest, the Red Sox announced today, that, as of the beginning of the 2006 season, fans will be charged $2.50 to look at Fenway Park from the outside, if they are not holding tickets.

The Red Sox, who have been aggressively renovating and expanding Fenway Park, as well as purchasing property around Fenway Park and entering commercial development deals. It's all part of their master plan to maximize revenue for baseballs smallest venue.

Lucchino confirmed the $2.50 "View Charge" and indicated that any person can purchase 'Red Sox Blinders' if they want to avoid having to pay the fee. The Red Sox have invested in sophisticated high technology and have a system in place that can determine if passerby's are taking "peeks or glimpses" of the famous ballpark.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), responding for the Democrats, criticized the Iraq co-President move as "another example of the President not having a plan". Reid also cautioned the Iraqi's to "watch your wallets".

"This President, as an owner of a baseball team, extorted a city to build him a new stadium, and then turned around an sold the team at an obscene profit. Be careful that you don't build a new country, only to have President Bush turn around and sell off Iraq."













With widespread critical acclaim, and after receiving 7 Golden Globe nominations this morning, Tom Cruise was spotted running to catch a screening of "Brokeback Mountain"