Friday 11 February 2005

Lock-Out Bogus; NHL Playing Full Schedule In Secret

As league officials and the Players Association conduct their much reported futile negoations, The Garlic has learned from sources that the National Hockey League has been playing their full 2004-2005, as scheduled, in secret, before an audience of family members and team officials but otherwise empty arenas

Sources indicated that play is just as fierce and spirited, with all the trash-talk and swearing clearly audible. Ottawa and Toronto are vying for the lead in the Eastern Confernce, while Dallas and Colorado battle neck-and-neck in the Western Conference.

Remarkable to all is the play of aging superstar, and team owner, Mario LeMieux of the Pittsburg Penguins. Though in the middle of the standings, LeMieux has netted 59 goals in just half a season, putting him on pace to reach the magic 100-mark, or more.

League and team officials have declined comment on the reports.

As one source offered;

'With the exception of a handful of cities, they were playing in front of nobody anyway … The TV audience isn't there … So, they said, what the heck, let's just go out and play"


Krispy Kreme Turning Off The Light; Doughnuts To Be Room Temperature

Racked with deeply decling sales, plummetting stock prices and massive layoffs, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts is turning off its' famous 'Hot' sign. Effective immediately, all doughnuts, in all locations, will be served at room temperature.

A company spokesperson indicated this is just one in a series of cost-cutting moves by the struggling North Carolina-based doughnut maker. From 1937, when the first red 'Hot' sign flicked on, to 1996, when they first began their national expansion, and, in 2001, when Krispy Kreme became the darlings of Wall Street in holding their Initial Public Offering of common stock, all the buzz was about hot doughnuts.

The cost-savings will be substantial, the spokesperson offered, with not having to heat, or refrigerate the light textured, glazed doughnuts.

"I suppose", the spokesperson said, "that if you happen to go the your Krispy Kreme store, just as the doughnuts are coming out of the cooker, you might be able to get some that are still a bit warm. You can take them home and heat them up yourself".


Parker-Bowles Steams Over Missed Title

With the announcement of the pending wedding of Prince Charles to his long-time paramour, Carmela Parker-Bowles, rumors from Buckingham Palace are circulating the Parker-Bowles is furious over her ranking.

At the insistance of the Queen, Mrs. Parker-Bowles will be addressed as Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall and, upon the day Charles becomes King, Mrs. Parker Bowles will be called the Princess Consort.

Unindentified sources have Mrs. Parker-Bowles "raging and livid" at the snub

Reportedly, Mrs. Parker-Bowles ranted " … I've been bopping the Prince of Wales for 30-years and now I'm marrying him - that makes me his Princess … I don't care what that old bag says …" She reportedly added "when Charles becomes King, you can bet your bottom that I'll be sitting there next to him as Queen …"

When apprised of the alledged comments from Mrs. Parker-Bowles, Buckingham Palace offered no comment.