Thursday 10 February 2005

Iraqi Exit Polls Results Coming Soon

With over 7,000 candidates, covering some 111 parties competing and campaigning in the historic January Iraqi vote, Exit Poll results may soon be announced, with the official results of the elections still weeks away.

Spokesman for the Iraqi electoral commission, Farid Ayar, indicated that translation issues, violence and petty squabbles between Sunni's and Shiite's have prevented the commission from releasing any news indicating who may have been the choices of the long-suffering Iraqi voters.

"I know it's a western tradition to prognosticate on who might be the winner, but, really, we're still waiting for electricity and running water".

Pope Not Hunched … It's A Hobby

The recent illness of Pope John Paul prompted a bevy of inquires to the Vatican, not only about the health status of the Pontiff, but if his illness had anything to do with his seemingly constant 'hunched' position.

A Vatican spokesperson assured the inquirers that the Pope was recovering nicely from his bout with the Flu and no, that the Pope has no back or bone ailments.

As to the Pontiff's hunching, the Vatican offered that, a few years ago, the Pope received as a birthday gift, a metal detector and, has taken to using it constantly and keeping it under his robes. While aides have encouraged the Pope not to use it in his public appearances, the Pope just waives them off.

"He's absolutely enthralled with it", the spokesperson offered. "We can't get it away from him".

When asked if the Pope has found anything of value, the spokesperson indicated no, "just a few odd coins, some broken watches … nothing of real value".


Rove Promotion Brings Firings, New Hires

Flexing his considerable political muscles, newly appointed Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove has fired a number of long-time Bush White House staffers and is filling the West Wing with his own appointments.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan confirmed the moves and indicated it was "standard procedure" for senior staff members to hire their own staffers.

Joining the new Deputy Rove are long-time associates Ty Coon, Muskie the Muskrat and Vincent Van Gopher


Super Bowl Advertiser, Ad Agency Hit With Animal Cruelty Charges

Heralded as, perhaps, the best and funniest ads run during this years' Fox Networks broadcast of the 39th Super Bowl, Ameriquest Mortgage, and their Ad Agency, DDB Worldwide (owned by the Omnicom Group) are facing charges that a male cat used in the filming of one of their television spots was actually murdered.

Hollywood sources are quoting a production assistance used by DDB that the actor actually stabbed and mutilated the white feline used in Ameriquest's 'Don't Judge Too Quickly' campaign.

The spot aired during the Super Bowl, depicted a harried male cooking dinner and, just as his wife/girlfriend enters the apartment, the couples' white cat knocks over the pot of tomato sauce, prompting the young man, holding a knife he was cutting vegetables with, to pick up the tomato-stained cat by the scruff of his neck, giving the now-horrified woman the vision of a butchered cat.

"That wasn't tomato sauce" the unidentified production assistant told law enforcement officials. "The actor was really weird … Mumbling during the shooting … Stuff about Satan and needing to make a sacrifice. Before anyone could do anything, he just started slicing the cat … There was a lot of commotion, screaming … It was pretty ugly.

The Los Angeles District Attorney and the SPCA are investigating and, spokespersons for Fox, Ameriquest Mortgage, DDB and Omnicom declined comment on the charges.


Vermont Teddy Bear Company Continuing Controversial Line

After enduring a storm of controversery from health advocates over its' "Crazy For You" teddy bear, and leading President Elisabeth Robert to resign from the board of a Vermont hospital, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company announced plans to continue with its' line of 'social and cultural' teddy bears.

With selling out the line of the straight-jacketed, love-struck teddy bear, rather then produce more, the company will expand the line with new offerings.

Included in the new line are;

Crack Bear - a disheveled, wide-eyed, spiked-hair teddy bear, with detachable straws and needles

Homeless Bear - special, water-resistent fabric so that the raggedly-dressed bear can be left outdoors

Right-Wing Bear - bible-toting bear, dressed in hunter vest, fatigues and NRA baseball cap (optional vehicle with NASCAR decal)

The company indicate the new line should be availble by Spring.