Wednesday 9 February 2005

Boston Mayor Calls for Rolling Rallys 24/7/365

Buoyed by the success of hometown teams, the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots, winning the World Series and back-to-back Super Bowls respectively in the span of one year - and the subsequent victory parades in downtown Boston - Mayor Tom Menino has called for 'Rolling Rallies' every day of the week.

"It's been a cash cow for the City of Boston", cited the long-term Mayor. "Sponsors have been pouring money into the city coffers for these Rolling Rallies, so, why not keep doing them".

Using the vintage World War II amphibious landing vehicles of the popular Boston Duck Tours as rolling platforms, millions have lined the streets of crowded downtown Boston to hail their sports champions. The Mayor is looking to seize the opportunity to augment his budget and, actually turn a profit.

"Hey, we don't need a sports championship to do this, we can celebrate anything", offered the Mayor in defense of his plan. "We have religious holidays, historic holidays … Let's have a Rolling Rally for Paul Revere … It will be better than the horse ride thing we do … And we don't have 'horse pies' to clean up after we do it".


Kilts, Gillette Board Vote For All Profits

Despite criticism over the need to merge with Proctor & Gamble, CEO James Kilts and the Board of Directors secretly voted themselves to receive the equivalent of an entire years' profits from Gillette.

Kilts, and board members, which included finance guru Warren Buffet, will receive billions in cash and stock options at the completion of the merger with Cincinnati-based P&G.

In a statement released today, Kilts offered an assessment of the compensation package.

"We didn't need to merge as Gillette has been very profitable on its' own. However, the opportunity this presented to enrich ourselves was just too good to pass up. We're making a killing and we have no second thoughts about it .. It's the way to do business … The American way of life …"


Romney Calls For Closing of Big Dig; Old Expressway To Be Re-Built

Citing horrendous cost over-runs, scandal and repairs that will run into the billions, Governor Mitt Romney is putting together a commission that will close down the Big Dig Project and replace it with the old Southeast Expressway.

"We have to face the facts that this is a project that just hasn't worked", offered Romney. "There's been corruption, shoddy work, delays and repairs that will cost us billions of dollars and many more years before it is complete. We're looking at years of litigation to get our money back. Better to cut our losses, close it down and put the old expressway back in place.

Romney cited that the metal columns and frames from the old, 1950's road have been saved, and it will be fractions of the cost to rebuild the elevated highway over repairing the new modern Big Dig tunnels.

"I think", Romney added, "that people will embrace this. Traffic congestion as been a very rich tradition in the City of Boston and people will look forward to bringing back this piece of history."