Saturday, March 03, 2007

Chopped Garlic: Yeah, What Coulter Said Was Horrible, But Did She Write It?

Well, it seems that Darth Vaderess is at it again, insulting and smearing John Edwards... Perhaps one of the questions today is if Coulter actually thought up and wrote that line, or did she continue her behavior of plagiarizing it from somewhere ...

The Garlic got an exclusive last summer, as to the first draft of Coulter's response to plagiarism charges levied at her.

Coulter Speaks (Sort Of) - Garlic Exclusive! 1st Draft Of Coulter’s Plagiarism Response

Here's some good reading you should check out

The Shame Of Ann Coulter by Joe Gandelman

Coulter reference to Edwards as "faggot" gives rise to questions for media

Edwards Campaign Responds to Coulter Calling Him 'Faggot'

Coulter’s Plagiarism Problem

White House Calls Coulter On The Carpet; "Poison" Remarks Force Increase In HSD Budget

What, exactly, kind of rehab is available for Darth Vaderess?

Friday, March 02, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Rick Santorum Is Joining Fox News

News Item: Rick Santorum To Join Fox News

10. Someone had to fill, so to speak, Rita Cosby's place at Fox

9. Needs the power of Fox to finish of his hunt for gay priests

8. Suddenly realized, now that he's out-of-office, he doesn't have any restrictions on meeting with lobbyists and can really cash in

7. He's really turned on by Ann Coulter, especially when she's wearing that eye patch

6. Part of the deal for Fox to get the exclusive video on the WMD's Santorum found

5. Santorum doesn't know it yet, but he's being placed in new show "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?", but as the kid who always answers wrong

4. Sean Hannity personally recommended Santorum, for his Iranian Bus Strike plan

3. With the 2008 Presidential race heating up early, Fox needs someone who can really piss off gay people

2. The Ethics and Public Policy Center is quietly paying Roger Ailes to take Santorum off their hands

1. Win-Win Situation ... Fox wanted someone on their roster in the event a "Man-On-Dog" story broke

Which one would you bet on in a test against a 5th Grader?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

This Just In! White House Applying Katrina Strategy To Med Center Neglect

To Gauge Neglect, Problems, President Set To Fly Over Walter Reed, Bldg. 18 Today

Bush Promising Action, "To Press Face Against Window"; Recommends DOD Follow Katrina Strategy

Facing yet more criticism over the treatment of wounded U.S. soldiers, the White House announced today that President Bush will fly over Walter Reed Medical Center, and its' Building 18 that is at the center of the controversy, in Air Force One to gauge for himself the neglect and problems.

With fresh headlines today today that top officials at Walter Reed, as well as the Army's surgeon general, members of the Congress and officials at the Pentagon knew of the problems for nearly three-years, President Bush is swinging back into his "Decider" role and taking action.

"The President," offered White House Spokesperson Tony Snow, "is jumping into his Hurricane Katrina strategy and will tackle this issue head-on. He's taking action and said he plans on "keeping his face firmly pressed against the window" as he flies over the grounds."

Snow also indicated that Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, in a meeting with the President this morning, "was strongly advised" to adopt the President's Hurricane Katrina plans in fixing the Walter Reed problem.

"The President," Snow continued, "wants to promise the soldiers, and the others at Walter Reed everything he promised New Orleans, for that city to get back on its' feet. He doesn't want to hold back on anything. He's ready to pledge, and pledge, action all day long."

Snow revealed, as evidence of the President's commitment to promise action, that "As soon as we heard about it, the President turned to me and said "Find out what the problem is and fix it."

Army Does "My Sister, My Daughter" Over Neglect Charges

Building 18 is a former hotel, across the street from the main Walter Reed grounds, that Dana Priest of the Washington Post exposed over two-weeks ago, as being in a decaying state, with mold, rotting walls and ceilings and mice, rat and insect infestations.

Initially, the Army was critical of the Washington Post for exposing the problems.

Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley, chief of the Army Medical Command said that "I'm not sure it was an accurate representation ... It was a one-sided representation."

Within a few days of the article, and after a quick paint job, Kiley led a group of reporters around Building 18, boasting "I do not consider Building 18 to be substandard."

"We needed to do a better job on some of those rooms, and those of you that got in today saw that we frankly have fixed all of those problems. They weren't serious, and there weren't a lot of them."

That was quickly rebutted by Gen. Richard A. Cody, the Army vice chief of staff, who said "We own that building, and we're going to take charge of it. The senior Army leadership takes full responsibility for the lack of quality of life at Building 18, and we're going to fix it."

A new controversy has been added to the problem, as Army Times is reporting, that soldiers who talked to the Washington Post and other media about the conditions at Building 18 have been the subject of punishment, in the form of 6:00 AM wake-up calls, 7:00AM inspections and new orders not to talk to the media.

Cheney Advocates Stiff Push Back Against Critics

Some speculate that such orders may have been issued by Vice President Dick Cheney, who was able to arrive back in Washington, from his trip to Pakistan and Afghanistan, without being followed home by terrorists.

Cheney, and/or a "senior government official" is said to be "extremely displeased" with the attention given to the problems at Walter Reed.

Cheney was overheard speaking on the telephone, to an unknown party, complaining about the issue.

"If we give aid and comfort to these critics of Walter Reed, and Building 18, it would validate the al Qaeda strategy."

Snow would neither confirm or deny reports the Cheney is battling with White House staff, advocating that that President Bush order in the flood lights and give a night time speech in front of Building 18, to bolster the Hurricane Katrina strategy as the right solution for the problems and push back at the critics.

"This isn't," offered Snow, "a bang-my-head-on-the-podium issue - yet."

The White House is banking on a photo opportunity like this, when President Bush flew over Hurricane Katrina-ravaged New Orleans, to stem the criticism over Building 18 of the Walter Reed Medical Center. The President will be boarding Air Force One this afternoon, to cruise over site in a display of his leadership in solving the problem

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Surprising Things Found In Newly Discovered Jesus Burial Cave

News Item: Filmmaker shows relics from disputed Jesus tomb

10. Primative blueprints for a project titled "Stonehenge"

9. Dozens and dozens of empty wine jugs

8. Earliest known travel brochures, depicting "7 Nights, 6 Days" in Rome

7. Decaying sheets, that appear to be some form of ID, with the names "Jesus", "Joseph", "J.C.", "Son of God"

6. Faded banner - "What Happens In Jerusalem, Stays In Jerusalem"

5. A stone tablet, sort of a primative, Mary Magdalene MySpace Page

4. A satchel full of restaurant receipts, including the one for the Last Supper

3. Stack of towels, with facial imprint of Christ, and a "50% Discount" sign

2. A gag rubber fish, that turns inside out into a loaf of bread

1. An early draft of a novel titled "The DiVinci Code"

Among the surprising discovery was a faded banner, declaring "What Happens In Jerusalem, Stays In Jerusalem"

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Breaking News! Cheney Bound By Terror Policy, Told To Not Come Home!

After Bomb Attempt, White House Tells Cheney To "Stay Away"

Belief "They Will Follow The Vice President Home"; Cheney To Get New Secret Bunker "Somewhere In Iraq"

A crises has enveloped the White House today, testing their mettle and "stick-to-itness", after a suicide bomber struck the Afghanistan compound Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting earlier this morning.

Following a flurry of meetings in the Oval Office, at a hastily called news conference, White House Spokesperson Tony Snow delivered the news that President Bush has ordered his Vice President to "stay away from Washington"

"We don't want him coming to the White House," a somber Snow continued. "As we know, the terrorists are likely to want to strike again, and may follow the Vice President home."

The attack, at the main gate of the Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan, killed 23 and wounded, at least 20 others.

"President Bush is convinced," offered a West Wing source that attended one of the meetings, "that Cheney will be followed back to Washington."

"He [the President] kept pointing to some kind of report on his desk, and saying over, and over, "If we leave, they will follow us", over and over," said the source.

"It was like a mantra."

President Bush, Cheney, and Republican Congressional leaders have repeatedly predicted that terrorists are poised to follow the U.S. Troops home, and wage battles in the streets of America.

Earlier this month, House Republican leader, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) flatly offered “If we leave, they will follow us home. It’s that simple.”

"With such a high profile targert as the Vice President," Snow offered in his briefing, "we're very certain he would be followed back to the White House. After an analysis, the President decided - yes, he decided - that it just was too big a chance to take."

News of Cheney being ordered to stay away from Washington sent the stock market spiraling downward, losing over 500-points, before a minor comeback.

Cheney To Get Second Secret Bunker

Later, at a briefing in the Vice President's office, Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride downplayed having a "Vice President in exile" and indicated measures were being taken to keep Cheney in the daily decision process of the the government.

McBride offered, that within 90-minutes of the attack aimed at Cheney, the Army Corps of Engineers began, to replicate Vice President Cheney's Secret Bunker "somewhere in Iraq", though sources have told The Garlic that it will be within the secure walls of the Green Zone in Baghdad.

Should it be necessary, in his role as President of the Senate, Cheney will be allowed to cast the tie-breaking vote via video feed from his New Secret Bunker, already dubbed "Come And Get Me East" by the Secret Service.

Sources have told The Garlic that Vice President Chief of Staff David Addington is composing a new Signing Statement for President Bush to allow such a move, and that it will extend to Cheney's U.S.-based Secret Bunker, should he be able to get back into the country without being followed.

It's not clear if the White House is putting its' muscle behind the belief that the terrorists will follow the Vice President home, or if the President, and Cheney, is attempting to raise the ante in their threats against Iran.

Coincidently, Cheney broke from the Administration late last year, to form his own Iran Study Group.

Rice Gives Okay To Move

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended the move to keep Cheney away.

"It's not like we have some binding, historic document, that delineates the offices of government that we can refer to and deal with this situation, and we have to go out and create one," said the husband-less diplomat.

Signs that Cheney could be staying in his New Secret Bunker for some time were evidenced at Andrews Airforce Base, where 18-wheel trailer trucks, filled with Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, were seen being loaded into giant cargo planes headed for Iraq.

The Secret Service has already dubbed Cheney's New Secret Bunker in Iraq "Come And Get Me East"

Monday, February 26, 2007

Minced Garlic - Special Comment by Keith Olbermann: Condi goes too far

Special Comment by Keith Olbermann: Condi goes too far

Absolutely hysterical Special Comment from our anchor-hero Keith Olbermann on MSNBC's Countdown this evening.

The target of the dead-on humor and satire was none other then The Decider's office wife, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Poor Condi, she must have taken a swig of Dick Cheney's Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, or perhaps, she inherited Donald Rumsfeld's coffee mug.

For there she was this past Sunday morning, on the Home Teams Television Network, Fox News Sunday and having the softball tossed up by host Chris Wallace, he of Bill Clinton-baiting fame, with "Let's turn to Iraq talking now about rewriting the 2002 congressional authorization for the use of force in Iraq."

Poor Condi. She recited the White House Talking Points as she has been trained to do, talking about the generals on the ground, the difficulties of war, that darn elusive goal of stability and democracy and then, the 42 words Olbermann honed in on;

"…It would be like saying that after Adolf Hitler was overthrown, we needed to change then, the resolution that allowed the United States to do that, so that we could deal with creating a stable environment in Europe after he was overthrown."

Olbermann channeled Lenny Bruce, expressing incredulity of Rice's ignorance, of her ignoring of longstanding facts ... Her sudden amnesia of History, no less ... And she, allegedly, has a Masters Degree and a Ph.D in Political Science!

"Here we go again! From springs spent trying to link Saddam Hussein to 9/11, to summers of cynically manipulated intelligence, through autumns of false patriotism, to winters of war, we have had more than four years of every cheap trick and every degree of calculated cynicism from this administration, filled with Three-Card Monte players."

Olbermann didn't fail to point out Poor Condi's colleague and former colleague already playing the Nazi card in this "war", when Cheney and Rumsfeld pulled the "Nazi Appeaser" line on any critics of the White House policies, so it's not clear if this is a "do-over" or if Poor Condi has been sent out to the front to launch a new assault on the country.

"If you want to compare what we did to Hitler and in Germany to what we did to Saddam and in Iraq, I'm afraid you're going to have to buy the whole analogy. We were an occupying force in Germany, Dr. Rice, and by your logic, we're now an occupying force in Iraq. And if that's the way you see it, you damn well better come out and tell the American people so. Save your breath telling it to the Iraqis — most of them already buy that part of the comparison."

And it wasn't long after that Olbermann delivered the punch line, devastatingly hilarious;

"We already have a subjectively false comparison between Hitler and Saddam. We already have a historically false comparison between Germany and Iraq. We already have blissful ignorance by our secretary of state about how this country got into the war against Hitler. But then there's this part about changing "the resolution" about Iraq; that it would be as ridiculous in the secretary's eyes as saying that after Hitler was defeated, we needed to go back to Congress to "deal with creating a stable environment in Europe after he was overthrown."

Oh, good grief, Secretary Rice, that's exactly what we did do! We went back to Congress to deal with creating a stable environment in Europe after Hitler was overthrown! It was called the Marshall Plan.


Gen. George Catlett Marshall!

Secretary of state!

The job you have now!



Read and/or Watch The Video of Special comment: Condi goes too far

MSNBC Countdown

The News Hole - The Blog of Countdown

Transcript: Condoleezza Rice on 'FOX News Sunday'

Special Condi Posts

Our Girl Condi Gets A Theme Song - Neocons and Lovers

Rice Touts ‘Axis of Evil’ Program As “Wildly Successful” In Wake Of North Korea Nuke Test

New Liz Cheney Op-Ed!

Scroll Down The Right Column For More Minced Garlic

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Oscars Last Evening

News Item: 'Departed' Arrives; Whitaker, Mirren Are King and Queen

10. I guess they ran short on time ... They were supposed to have a montage of movie people who shaved their heads this year

9. What's up with Quincy Jones? Is he wearing Captain Kangaroo's jacket tonight?

8. Jeez, I'd like to slip behind that white screen and ask the the Pilobolus Dance Theatre to act out fast forwarding this show

7. They should have, just as a gag, had Ralph Nader give Al Gore his Oscar

6. Now that he's finally won an Oscar, I'll bet Scorsese is hoping for just as long a losing streak in the Dead Pool

5. Boy, I'd love to listen to President Bush walking into a Blockbuster and trying to rent the film 'Pan's Labyrinth'

4. What's up with Reese Witherspoon? Did she have Kirk Douglas's chin surgical grafted to her face?

3. Forget about JetBlue, if this show goes any longer, we're going to need an Audience Bill of Rights

2. With Ellen DeGeneres hosting, Melissa Etheridge winning, Bill Donohue must be having fits

1. I heard a lot of winners are going to immediately sell their Oscars on eBay and give the money to Obama

Inventing the Internet, thousands of dollars ... Losing Supreme Court decision over the 2000 Presidency, millions of dollars ... Winning an Oscar - Priceless!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Cue Fox Promo "If You Don't Laugh, That Must Mean You're Aiding The Terrorists" ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Well, we had our first, de facto, runaway poll since launching The Garlic Weekly Poll, with an overwhelming 60% of the voters believing the Fox News Network already had comedy programs on-air with Hannity and O'Reilly.

The much-heralded debut last week of Roger Ailes' idea of humor, saw Fox launch the '1/2 Hour News Hour'. Seeing the words "Roger Ailes", Fox" and "humor" in the same sentence should tell you more than you need to know, and, if not, the program also had a "skit" featuring (gag) Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter as Prez and VP.

'Crooks and Liar's' unfurled the headline "Conservative Comedy Show: So bad it’s hilarious" ... Tom Schales in 'The Washington Post" asked "Thus the question "Can the right laugh at itself?" is neither addressed nor answered" ... And Troy Paterson in 'Slate' positioned the effort with "The mind strains to conceive of political humor that might be less humorous—or, ultimately, less political. Hannity and Colmes trying "Who's on First"? Dennis Kucinich taking sledgehammer in hand to try Gallagher's act? Jimmy Fallon attempting a Thurmond-length filibuster?"

No need to set your TIVO's for the next airing, this baby jumped the shark even before the pixels in your viewing screen lit up.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 19 - February 24, 2007

Fox News Network has launched a "comedy" show, '1/2 Hour News Hour'. Reviews have, generally, been poor, it has canned laughter, not a live audience and the material is weak. So ...

1. I thought Fox News already had comedy programs on, with Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly Tally 60%

2. I won't watch it. I'd rather become a real estate salesperson in Baghdad than sit through a Fox News comedy program Tally 25%

3. I'll watch, but only if Roger Ailes and Ruppert Murdoch perform skits in drag Tally 12%

4. I plan on becoming a regular watcher. The mainstream media doesn't make fun of the Democrats and Liberals enough Tally 3%

This week’s Poll - Vice President Dick Cheney's recent attacks against Nancy Pelosi and John Murtha, that their strategies will "validate Al-Qaeda", were remarkable in that ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Thankfully, the Garlic poll voters rejected seeing Roger Ailes in drag.

Drop the comedy and stick to touting the RNC's talking points there, big guy