Thursday 10 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Team Prepares Call For New Axis of Evil Member

The Garlic has learned that the Bush Administration is putting together a Request For Proposal (RFP) to sollict a new country to join the Axis of Evil. The proposal is said to be in the final stages and may be released as early as next week.

With the seemingly successful transition to freedom and democracy, Iraq will soon be de-listed from the Axis of Evil, leaving the vacany that the administration would like to see filled at the earliest. With new budgets to be drawn, and alarming, fear-inducing rhetoric to be written, the administration is uncomfortable leaving a hole of this size open for too long.

Along with Iraq, North Korea and Iran are the other two members.

One source close to talks speculated on who may join the Axis of Evil.

"There's not a lot of good candidates out there … One's that would qualify … We can rule out the Sudan, they're too busy … Russia is signaling that they may like to bring back the Cold War … Syria is making some noise but a number of committee member feel they're dragging their feet on the pullout as a way to neogiate some better terms …"

The source indicated that newly appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte has been dispatched to Central and South America, to meet with old contacts and gage interest on having a Latin country join the Axis.

'The administration would love to have a Spanish-speaking country in the Axis. That would open the door to tie it in with the right-wing Cubans in Florida … Maybe some back-door subsidies …"

Some of the conditions of the proposal were leaked to The Garlic. They include;

- Having a large square or central meeting place and the ability to mobilize 100,000+ citizens to it and chant anti-American slogans

- A televison network (state-run or private) that can promote your Axis of Evil qualities and rail against the United States

- Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or Nuclear Weapons.

There is a rider on having Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or the Nuclear Weapons. This new Axis of Evil member wouldn't actually have to have them, but they will need to sign on that they will say they have them.

The RFP will direct countries interested in joining the Axis to a special CIA website, where the can download the RFP in pdf format and, if they act within a certain period of time, there are some extra's they can take advantage of.

One is the State Deparment will produce a custom video or DVD for the new Axis member, of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld disparaging them as a rogue nation and laying out a possible plan of invasion, for their internal use only.

There's a second pacakge, for a large fee, that includes the video, and also, that Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice will go to the United Nations, detail their Weapons of Mass Destruction, and set a deadline, that will ignore the United Nations Security Council, for invasion.

The proposal has been approved by Britian's Tony Blair and a number of other members of the European Union, though it's unclear if the French are behind it.

"The President", offered the source, "is inclined to forgo the process and just place France in the Axis … It wouldn't take much to get him slamming Chirac …"


Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent

In winning the ruling last week that three blogs must disclose their sources on articles they published with details, in advance of its' release, about Apple's new Mini iPod, CEO Steve Jobs has mapped out an extensive campaign to squash all rumors, criticism and dissent against Apple.

Critics of the plan, some inside Apple, suggest that Jobs is modeling Apple in the image of rival Microsoft.

With tremendous cashflow coming from iTunes and iPods sales, Jobs has put an unprecidented number of lawyers on retainer - some with specific First Admendment backgrounds - and is targeting all major media, blogs, community newsletters and personal emails.

Apple will also set up a special hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products.

Changes will be coming with iTunes as well. The purchase price will remain at .99, for those willing to sign a contract that they will not badmouth Apple. Otherwise, the purchase of a tune will cost $99 and Apple will create a dossier on that purchaser and monitor there actions and communications.

Ipods will now be outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. If any of these keywords are used, the iPod shuts down, and sends a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the iPod owner with a lawsuit.

Editor's Note: As we filed and posted this story, The Garlic was served papers, demanding we disclose who inside Apple suggested that Apple is becoming like Microsoft.