Monday 7 March 2005

Rumsfeld Defends Shooting Italians

In a candid press conference, in which he interviewed himself, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the shooting of the Italian diplomat this past weekend.

"Hostage rescuing isn't pretty", stated Rumsfeld.

"Given the situation, I wouldn't go racing around in the middle of the night - in the middle of a war zone - with my lights out and a rescued hostage in the back seat? … I wouldn't defy an order to stop with a gun pointed at me? … Would I even be in Iraq in the first place?

"I mean, would I make sure my auto had armor? Would I have a ceritifed, qualified driver?

"Did the Italian shoot first? …Were the Italians yelling and hooping it up the way those people like to celebrate? … These are the type of questions we need to find the answers to before we go jumping off bridges, saying the American's did this, or the American's did that … "

"It's a terrible, terrible, thing … This … War business …It's an untidy business".

Rumsfeld went on, blaming the Italians for extending World War II and saying, squintingly " …. I just couldn't believe … couldn't fathom … how they lost to South Korea in the 1966 World Cup … Unbelieveable …It would be like … as if Sadam's rag-tag army beat us"


Syrian Pullout Hinges on Moving Van Backlog

In a telephone call yesterday, Syrian President Bashar Assad of Syria assured U.S. President Bush that he was working on an early withdrawal from Lebanon, but was facing a crisis of a lack of moving vans.

"It's been terrible", Assad told a group of reporters. "Benkins, Allied, United Vans … They're pricing is outrageous … And, I hear they are not very careful with the things they move - and you know what it's like filing a claim with a moving company"

"Plus, we have the Gaza Strip thing going on and they're telling me they have a lot of reservations for their vans … In another month, we have the students moving out, going home for the summer …"

When it was suggested that Syria move itself out of Lebanon, Assad offered that wouldn't be as easy as it sounds.

Assad indicated that many of the small trucks and vans they have are outfitted for war, with gun mounts and grenade launchers, so they could only move small things "dishes, glasses, odds-and-ends".

"We'd have to bring in the supplies, you know … the boxes … the bubblewrap … We lost the only Mailbox Etc. back in the '86 bombing … UPS has promised to open a store here but hasn't done so yet … I guess we'll have to go on eBay and see what we can come up with …"