Saturday, July 29, 2006

Special Essay - 2006: A Second-Quarter Scorecard from Barry Crimmins

Tivo-less, and trying to catch up on his summer reading, author and satirist Barry Crimmins covers the Congress, the Bush Administration and other madmen, et all with his Second-Quarter scorecard essay, “What Smell?” that appears in this week’s edition of The Boston Phoenix

Crimmins was the founder of The Ding Ho, the legendary comedy club in Inman Square, Cambridge,MA, and former writer for Air America Radio’s Randi Rhodes Show

Last October, Crimmins appeared with Kurt Vonnegut, Paul Krassner, Art Buchwald, Lewis Lapham and Sarah Jones for an evening of “Political Satire In America”, that was broadcast by CSPAN

In 2004, Seven Stores Press published Barry's first book, "Never Shake Hands with a War Criminal" and Barry's writing appears frequently in 'The Boston Phoenix' and the 'Cleveland Plain-Dealer'.

Click Here to read “What Smell?”

Click Here to purchase Crimmins’ new iPod-ready recording, “Blues In The Key of W”

Visit Barry Crimmins Website

Click Here to purchase Crimmins’ book, "Never Shake Hands With A War Criminal" and Visit Seven Stories Press

Other Barry Crimmins Essays

Schmucks Unlimited: A First-Quarter Scorecard from Barry Crimmins

Barry Crimmins 2005 Year-In-Review: "The Bonfire of the Inanities; Seriously, could it get any worse"

Crimmins from Camp Casey: “Home On The Range”

On The Garlic

Crimmins Knocks One Out Of The Park With New Recording

Special Announcement - Political Satire in America: Barry Crimmins with Kurt Vonnegut, Paul Krassner, Art Buchwald, Lewis Lapham, Sarah Jones

Friday, July 28, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things About The Democrats Call for a New Direction and “Six-For-06”

News Item: Picnics, Pig Roasts, and New "New Directions": Dems Gear Up For November

10. Let me guess ... You win back the House or Senate and it quickly shifts to “Eight For 08”?

9. I get it ... “Six For 06” is what William Jefferson plans on keeping in his freezer next year

8. On the ‘Six For 06” thing, better bring a few extra for John Kerry; You know he’ll take one, put it back and take another ...

7. “Six For 06” is brilliant - Republican Leadership will think that’s only the number of days they will have to sit in session

6. Actually, “Six For 06” is really mocking Bush Justice Department, on the number of terrorist they settle on that they nabbed in the Miami raid last month

5. ‘Six For 06” should be 1.Bush 2. Cheney 3. Rove 4. Libby 5. WMD’s 6. Lies

4. “Six For 06” sounds more like Exxon’s sales forecast for the average price of a gallon of gasoline next year

3. Is “Six For 06” really a direction, a platform, or is it the number of races Joe Lieberman will be registered in as a candidate

2. Pig Roast? Man, that’s a major coup, getting Cheney to show up at a Democratic event ...

1. Maybe, by around Day 50 Before The Mid-Terms, someone can remind the Dems how to pronounce “Iraq”

Neither the DNC, nor eBay would confirm that the newly-announced Democrats “Six For 06” plan was recently purchased at the on-line auction marketplance

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Garlic Special - It’s A Bolton Kind Of Thursday!

Our Man At The U.N.

Raging wars in the Middle East, sweltering heat waves drifting across the United States, the President without a clue or a vacation home, and sitting line a cool cucumber in the nations’ capital is United States Ambassador to the United Nations John Robert Bolton.

With the year anniversary coming up on Bolton’s Recess Appointment by President Bush, after being filibustered by the Senate Democrats, the sands are running through the hourglass for Bolton to keep his job and win confirmation (which seems likely with the Bush Rubber Stamp Congress, and with special thanks to Sen. George V. Voinovich (R-Ohio) for pulling a “my sister-my daughter” in coming out supporting Bolton this year)

So the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs began grilling Bolton today and we thought we take a stroll down Garlic Lane to see what the feisty diplomat has been up to.

Remarkably, the top ten floors of the United Nations building are still intact, but then again, perhaps Bolton is waiting for the job security of being official confirmed before he sets about to lop them off.

Bolton On The Garlic

Bush Ready To Pull Bolton; Will Nominate Dave Chappelle

Annan To Welcome Bolton, But No Share In Profits

Bolton Defends Novak

Breaking News - Rice Grilled; Shouting Match With Bolton

Bolton: Card Had White House In Coma

Breaking News! Zidane Signals New Era of “Hooligan Diplomacy”

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Breaking News! New White House Bombshell - President Loses Vacation Ranch

New Bush Concession On Iraq - al Maliki To Take Crawford Ranch For August Vacation

Tense Talks Prior To Joint-Session Speech; Rice Reprimanded By White House For Surprise Visit

Sources tell The Garlic that, after fighting off a Democratic boycott of Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki addressing a joint session of Congress, President Bush engaged in a tough, tense and heated conversation with the democratically-elected Prime Minister and, in exchange for al-Maliki not continuing his public support for Hezbollah in his speech to Congress, President Bush was forced to turn over his Crawford Ranch to al-Maliki, for the Iraq Prime Minister to take a much-needed August vacation.

In a press conference yesterday, following a day of meetings between Bush and Maliki, the President announced that 8,000 troops would be moved into Baghdad, to assist quelling the ever-increasing violence in what clearly is a setback for the White House in their assessments of how the war in Iraq was tilting.

I don’t know if I would use that term “turn-over”, but there was some very frank discussions,” offered White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, confirming that al-Maliki will be in Crawford for August.

“President Bush made it clear,” continued Snow, “that the Prime Minister will be responsible for taking care of the place, feeding and grooming the animals and, of course, clearing the brush that the President is so fond of doing himself.”

Rumsfeld Vacation Home, and Cheney’s Spread Offered To President

Snow would not comment on where President Bush will vacation, as he has traditionally done since taking office, in August

The buzz in Washington, according to Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century, is that the White House attempted to give al-Maliki Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s vacation home on Maryland's Eastern Shore, but was shot down by the Iraq security people.

“They felt there was a breach of security,” said Martins, “after all that hullabaloo last month about The New York Times printing the photo of it ... Maliki’s people didn’t want to see him dragged through the blogs over it ...

A senior administration source told The Garlic that Vice President Dick Cheney offered the President to take him back to his spread in Wyoming, however, with Cheney’s penchant for late-afternoon hunting, the President’s security detail vetoed the offer.

Maliki Speech “Classic New Strategy For Victory stuff”; Shows WHIG and WHIIG Back In Business

Tension in the White House was high early this morning, as the President was seeking to have his guest move away from his statements of last week, denouncing Israel and their bombing of Lebanon, a sharp contrast to the President’s comments.

Democrats were incensed that the White House, in light of al-Maliki’s comments, would push to have him address a joint session of Congress

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi of California said unless Maliki "disavows his critical comments of Israel and condemns terrorism, it is inappropriate to honor him with a joint meeting of Congress.

In his speech to a joint session of Congress, Maliki said "The fate of our country and yours is tied," Maliki warned members of Congress. "Should democracy be allowed to fail in Iraq and terror permitted to triumph, then the war on terror will never be won elsewhere . . .”

The overall speech, tied to fighting terrorism, coupled with a post-speech trip with President Bush to Fort Belvoir, an Army base in Northern Virginia, for another speech to a group of military personnel and their families, Maliki appeared to reviving Bushapalooza

“This was classic New Strategy For Victory stuff,” said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', “It would appear that WHIG and WHIIG are back in business and humming along.”

Rice Reprimanded By White House; Only President Allowed To Conduct Surprise Visits

Along with dealing with Maliki, and the Democrats threatened boycott, the President, according to Martins, “chewed out” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, for her “surprise” visit to Beirut earlier this week

“The President, and Josh Bolten, made it very clear to Condi,” said Martins, “that only the President makes surprise visits. Nobody else. I mean, even Cheney and Rumsfeld have to clear it with Bolten if there’s even a hint of surprise in any of their scheduled appointments.”

Martins feels that the President’s reprimand of Rice could be viewed as a sign to the Neocons, people such as Richard Pearle, Newt Gingrich, as well as current and former members of the Pentagon and National Security Council, that the President is listening to their calls to dump Rice, believing that she is “just incompetent on most foreign policy issues."

“She’s held the dike on the cease-fire thing, but that’s coming from the White House, it’s not Condi’s strategy.”

President, Ceremonially, Adds Signing Statement To Maliki Speech

There was one, brief moment of levity for President Bush and Prime Minister Maliki.

After Maliki’s speech to Congress, as they were driving to Fort Belvoir, President Bush added a Signing Statement to the speech, something specially prepared by Vice President Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, David Addington.

The White House would not comment on what the Signing Statement addressed, however Snow indicated the Maliki was “both moved and encouraged by it.”

“Actually,” added Snow, “I don’t know if I would use the words “moved and encouraged”, I mean, those weren’t the President’s words, but you get the idea of it ...”

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley reacts to a question about President Bush conceding his Crawford Ranch to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki for the month of August, in exchange for Maliki not endorsing or praising Hezbollah in his speech today to the joint session of Congress

Top Ten Cloves: Why A Technical Virgin Can’t Host A PBS SHOW

News Item: PBS Kids' Show Host Fired for Video

10. Lydia and Jacques Pepin lobby for new late Saturday Night show, “The Technical Virgin Chef”

9. Combine the show and host with America’s Test Kitchen and it forces PBS to move to cable

8. Tavis Smiley changes his name to “Tavis Grinning” when he has the Technical Virgin on for an interview

7. Tough to get affiliates to pick-up the Buster The Rabbit episode where Buster shows how to “technically” produce 100,000 little Busters - and it has nothing to do with “Postcards”

6. After viewing program, Dr. Wayne Dyer begins growing hair!

5. You know the “Ask This Old House” guys are just going to come up with all kinds of gadgets to tie into this

4. Heavy-duty negotiations with Bill Moyer, for a 20-part series on “The Myth of Technical Virgins”

3. All Things Considered will have to cover it

2. Will have to change the name of the show to “The Very, Very Good Night Show

1. Masterpiece Theatre takes on a whole different meaning

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During President Clinton’s Endorsement Appearance With Joe Lieberman

News Item: Former President Joins Rally for Lieberman

10. If you lose Joe, I have to come back and endorse Ned Lamont... You can always grab Bernie Sanders or Jim Jeffords if you need to

9. Joe, don’t you have any black people in this state?

8. Joe, I gotta say, if you lose and run as an Independent... By that time, all the blogs will be against you

7. Is there a Krispy Kreme anywhere around here?

6. I’m surprised, Lieberman backed Bush’s War so much, it’s a wonder they didn’t send him over to see about a cease-fire

5. You better thank me, you ass-kissing turncoat ... I could have been with Barack Obama today

4. If I had known 36-years ago you’d turn out to be like you are, I would have backed the other guy

3. Sorry Joe, I only do handshakes with men ... No kissing

2. Just keep smiling and waving Joe ... No, I haven’t forgotten what you said about me and Monica Lewinsky

1. Play nice today Joe ... You’re going to need Hillary’s vote, for after you lose and President Bush names you to his cabinet

Joe Lieberman Lies About Bush Kiss

Monday, July 24, 2006

Breaking News! - Garlic Exclusive! - White House Clash of Mideast Policy

Cheney, To Bolster Israel, Offers To Out Israeli Covert Agents Whose Spouses Criticize Olmert

Opening Playbook; Says, Eventually, Lebanese Will View Israeli As Liberators

With pressure mounting on the Bush White House, to call for an Israeli cease-fire, sources have told The Garlic of a major clash between President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, after Bush discovered that Cheney was conducting secret talks with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, urging the Israeli to push further into Lebanon, and offering his expertise on how to consolidate his power.

Cheney, allegedly, offered Olmert his expertise, and access to the Vice President’s staff, to expose any Mossad agents whose spouses speak publicly, or write Op-Ed pieces critical of Olmert, or the Israeli campaign in Lebanon

Stumping this weekend in Florida, at a fundraising event for a GOP congressional candidate, Cheney warned that "It's going to be a battle that will last for a very long time. It is absolutely essential that we stay the course."

Later in his speech, Cheney opined that “Eventually, the Lebanese will view Israeli as liberators.”

With Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice making a surprise visit to Beirut today, following a visit yesterday from Saudi foreign Minister Prince Saud al-Faisal, where the Saudis are urging President Bush to facilitate an immediate cease-fire, the rift between Cheney and Bush is ill-timed.

The President is vulnerable right now,” says David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

After finally using the veto for the first time, Bush is now trying - another first - use diplomacy and Cheney is trying to stay the course with the Cowboy stuff ... You’re with us or against us thing .... Cheney’s still, very much, in the Neocon camp and is pushing the Administration for more action.”

Cheney “Opening up the playbook.”

Bush first learned of Cheney’s advice and communication with Olmert upon his return from the G8 Summit last week.

Sources say while the President was joking with his staff about his use of a curse word, and his faux pas with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Cheney was squirreled away in his office, with his Chief of Staff David Addington, putting together an array of strategies for Olmert to weather any political firestorm on the home front, as protest broke out in Tel Aviv over the weekend

According to one senior official close to the White House, Cheney is “opening up the playbook.”

He’s had Addington give Olmert the complete layout on Signing Statements, how to circumvent laws, the Knesset ...How to protect himself, consolidate the power to his office ... the works ... And Cheney, himself, offered information on how to out any Mossad agent spouses, should anyone start publicly criticizing Olmert.”

Other information Cheney is said to pass on is the forging of documents to back policies, and the nuance of tweaking intelligence around policies, and then blaming the intelligence sources and agencies if it backfires.

“Olmert,” according to Aaronson, “is getting a major-league crash course of plausible deniability.”

Secretary Rice is said to be furious with Cheney, Lieberman

Apprised by a secure telephone call while enroute to Beirut, Rice was said to be livid as she heard the details of Cheney’s consultation with Olmert.

“First I have to deal with Rumsfeld and the Pentagon screwing up Iraq,” said Rice, according to a source that was traveling with the Secretary. “Now I have Cheney gumming up the works, for what will surely be a few more thousands of tactical errors...”

Errors or not, don’t look for Cheney to tip his hand, or leave any kind of paper trail, according to Dix Whitcomb, editor of the newsletter "Our Laws Are Different"

“I doubt that Cheney will make the mistake of jotting notes on any newspapers on this one,” said Whitcomb.

Cheney, along with Special Presidential Advisor Karl Rove, and former Cheney Chief of Staff Lewis ‘Scooter” Libby are being sued by former CIA Agent Valarie Plame, and her husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, over the trio exposing Plame’s covert status, in retaliation for Wilson’s Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, criticizing the Bush Administration’s claims for invading and occupying Iraq, over the now false information that Saddam Hussein was seeking to purchasing uranium in Niger.

As to Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT?), Rice also received a call from the Senator, inquiring about the Lebanese Government.

Lieberman is said to have asked a beleaguered Rice to “put in a good word for him” as the Senator is considering, should he lose his Democrat Primary Race against gaining challenger Ned Lamont, Lieberman indicated he would consider putting in papers, should the Lebanese form a new government in the wake of the Israel-Hezbollah war

Vice President Dick Cheney is said to be causing a rift with President Bush over Mid-East policy and “opening the playbook” to Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert on consolidating his power and crushing his critics

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons President Bush Reluctant To Call For Cease-Fire

News Item: Saudi Arabia Asks U.S. to Intervene in Lebanon

10. Depend on what you mean by the word “cease”

9. Need to keep bombs dropping and bullets flying until, at least, after the Fall Mid-Term Elections

8. I know Kenny Mehlman meant well, but, technically, it’s not really our war

7. Since July is typically a slow news month, throwing the Cable News guys a bone

6. Waiting for media to label Israel with employing “Cowboy Diplomacy” before jumping in

5. Need to destroy Lebanon to the point that only Halliburton would be qualified to get the rebuilding contract

4. Good opportunity to practice our evacuation procedures, in case New Orleans floods again before I leave office

3. Haven’t heard anything about any Marines raping and killing Iraqis, have you?

2. Needs time to give Israel access codes to CIA Black Site Prisons for captured Hezbollah

1. Dick Cheney, William Kristol and the rest of the PNAC crowd hasn’t said its time yet

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 23 July 2006

Along with rush shipping new missiles, Israel will also receive President Bush's stage props and the strategies that the Israelis can use to help sell their latest military actions, with the instructions to use the missiles on the terrorists and the props in front of friendly, screened audiences

The White House, quite unexpectedly, called a casting call this weekend, to come up with a model or mascot that they can use, and one that best reflects their Mid-East policies

Fox News Chief Roger Ailes laid out this week a new campaign that will see Fox News aggressively back the Bush Administration
with breaking stories that tie the group Hezbollah to September 11th, WMD's and the cause of the insurgency in Iraq

Taking a cue from Oprah Winfrey, and her "friend", Gayle King, who, in this month's Oprah Magazine announce that they are not gay, Conservative Bill Kristol's ‘The Weekly Standard’, next month, will have a cover story on Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's denials that they are gay

While widely reporting President Bush's use of a curse word at last weeks' G8 Summit, largely ignored by the media was British Prime Minister Tony Blair firing a right cross and left jab at Bush, said to be in retaliation and defense of Angela Merkel, who the President gave both a neck rub and hearty belly kiss to, stunning the German Chancellor

Citing the overwhelming number of natural disasters, and raging wars aroud the world, former Presidents George Bush and Bill Clinton announced that they will soon hit the road again, only this time, to raise funds for themselves.

"If we don't get a piece of the action now, said the elder Bush, "we may not have another opportunity."

Let The Spinning Begin! The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 16 - July 22 2006

While we all go through the agonizing slow wait for Valarie Plame and Joe Wilson’s lawsuit against Vice President Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby to heat up, the voters in last weeks’ Garlic Poll already see what will shape up soon ...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 16 - July 22 2006

When Vice President Dick Cheney found out he was being sued by Valarie Plame Wilson and Joe Wilson, Cheney ...

1. Started clearing his schedule for Fox News interviews, to begin the counter spin against the Wilson’s 38%

2. Called up CIA Director and threatened leaking of more agents unless they got Plame and Wilson to back down 36%

3. Rolled up in a Secret Position on his sofa in his Secret Bunker 17%

4. Went on a Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite binge 9%

This week’s Poll - Since she doesn’t have a Cease-Fire or Peace Plan, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in her trip this week to the Middle East, will ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

No olive branches packed in Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s luggage, but, her trip the week to the Middle East will be successful if she can get one of the Israeli, Palestinian or Lebanese leaders to give her a neck rub, just like President Bush gave to German Chancellor Angela Merkel