The Garlic

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Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Garlic Special: A George Bush Dream - The Victory

In a new series, The Garlic will, occasionally, take a look (and liberty) with the somnolent state of our Court-Appointed President.

A George Bush Dream - The Victory

The late cover of darkness clung to the spread of Crawford in the short time before the first rays of the sun would soon expose the clumps of sagebrush yet to be cleared by George Jr.

Racing down the hallway, with bundles of newspapers under their arms, were the panting Chief of Staff Josh Bolten and Deputy White House Press Secretary Scott Stanzel. After the obligatory tap, Bolten threw open the door of the Presidential bedroom and rushed in, nearly knocking over the tower of Ek-A-Lec-Tic books stacked next to the Chief Decider’s bed.

Rubbing his eyes and yawning, the President asked, half-angry, half still in a sweet state of sleep “What is it Josh?”

“This, Mr. President,” as he and Stanzel tossed their load of newspapers, save one, on the President’s bed, causing the First Lady to stir.

“You won sir,” gushed Bolten.

The President, now gaining for what passes as his consciousness, pulled himself up on one elbow, his eye catching a glimpse of one papers’ headline;

Saddam Hangs, Bush Vindicated

The first jolt of glee surfed through the President, as his hand pushed one paper away to reveal another headline;

Insurgents Throw Down Arms; Iraqis Unite Following Saddam Hanging

Now fully awake, and with a buzz he hasn’t felts since he gave that impromptu backrub to Angela Merkel, he tore through the newspapers in a frenzy, a kaleidoscope of blurred headlines and sidebars;

Neocon Strategy Wins Out In End ... Bush, Cheney Immediately Nominated For Special Nobel Peace Prize ... As Thanks, OPEC Drops Price Of Barrel Below $15 ... Fitzgerald Submits Motion To Dismiss Libby Charges ... With Iraq Success, Bush Library To Top $1-Billion...

As the President gasped and chortled with each headline, Bolten grabbed the remote control and tuned into CNN. A reporter spoke on screen, as a banner flashed below: Osama bin Laden Signals End ... Will Turn Himself Over To U.S. Authorities in Pakistan

Bolten then turned to the President, reaching out with the last newspaper.

“And now, Mr. President, the final golden step to your full, rich legacy, The New York Times.

Blazed across the entire top fold of the newspaper, in red, white and blue ink - BUSH WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG

With near tears in his eyes, the President smiled broadly as he held up the newspaper, before ... before ...

“George ... George,” First Lady Laura Bush whispered sharply, shaking the shoulder of the President.

“George,” she said again. “Time to get up ... Time to go to work ...”

The President opened his eyes with a jarring snap. No newspapers. No CNN.

“C’mon George, get up,” the First Lady demanded, with a nudge to the President ribs.

He slowly swung his legs out and on to the floor, sitting on the edge collecting himself.

Pulling the covers up and turning over to steal a few more moments of slumber, the First Lady called out again.

“And George, do something today, will you ... Make a decision ... Just make it ... I’m getting tired of being pummeled with questions about it ... Just announce the darn strategy, will you please?”

Friday, December 29, 2006

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Fifth Day

Keeping with the spirit of things, feel free to sing out loud.

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Fifth Day

On the fifth day of Christmas,

my Dubya sent to me

Five golden lies,

Four of Cheney’s birds,

Three ~~French~~ Freedom Fries,

Two Fed-Soc Judges,

And a backrub at the G8

Links

Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Developing Story - Self-Admitted Killer Offers Details of Friendship With ‘Godfather of Soul’

Former Ramsey Suspect Claims Was With James Brown In Final Hours

Says Longtime Friend, Confidant of Legendary Singer; Plans Were To Make Young Ramsey Girl “Princess of Soul”

In a confusing, wild and rambunctious press conference, former JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr claims he was with legendary soul singer James Brown in the final hours before his death.

Brown passed away Christmas Day, in Atlanta, from severe pneumonia and heart failure.

Thousands of fans lined the streets of Harlem, NY yesterday, to pay tribute to the man dubbed “The Godfather of Soul”.

Wearing his now-trademark polo shirt, buttoned to the top, with high-waist trousers, Karr further stated that “The Godfather and I were close, very close ... I always called him Godfather ... He liked that.”

“He just whispered "I'm going away tonight" and then took three long breaths and closed his eyes”, said Karr. “It was so sweet ... he was such a sweet man.”

Says Career Plans For Ramsey Girl Were Laid Out

In another bombshell announcement, Karr also stated that he, and Mr. Brown were to groom and train the young Ramsey girl into “a blossoming star”.

“We had it all planned out,” smiled Karr. “Godfather was so impressed with her talent and insisted that she become “the Princess of Soul. There would be records and television specials ... movies ... Godfather and I was going to pull out all the stops to push JonBenet to the top.”

Karr said that singing and dancing lessons were planned, and the Brown was working on special arrangements of his songs for Ms. Ramsey.

“No American Idol for our little girl. She was going to debut at the Apollo Theatre, just like Godfather did.”

Former Murder Suspect Also Claims Friendship With Saddam Hussein

Karr was at the center of attention into the decade-old, unsolved murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

Earlier this year, Karr, while in Thailand, came forward after a length investigation, saying that he was with the young Ramsey girl and “accidentally killed” her, setting of a conflagration of media coverage, with Karr, seemingly, basking in the media spotlight.

Karr was subsequently extradited to Colorado, where, after further investigation and DNA testing, was deemed to be lying and not the long-sought murderer. Charges against Karr were soon dropped.

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Mr. Brown refuted Karr’s claim, saying that only a few family members, doctors and nurses were with the singer in his final moments.

When challenged, Karr simply bowed his head, and on the verge of tears, mumbled “I was with him ... I know I was with him.”

Karr, after regaining his composure, said that he would soon be off, traveling to Baghdad, Iraq, to be with another good friend in his final hours, Saddam Hussein.

“The General - he liked it when I called him that - and I have been very close.” Karr said softly. “I’m going to miss him."

First it was the late JonBenet Ramsey. Now, former self-admitted suspect John Mark Karr lays claim to being a close friend, and with him in his final hours before death, the "Godfather of Soul", James Brown

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During The NSC Meeting At President’s Crawford Ranch

News Item: Bush Deciding Iraq Policy at Texas Ranch

10. Forget using New Orleans again to give the speech ... Edwards just announced for 2008 down there this morning

9. Yeah, look at this ... Tell me the President isn’t regifting again this year....

8. Let’s say, hypothetically, if Bush resigned, I don’t know I could trust Cheney to give him a pardon

7. Be careful after the meeting ... Bush is going to try to sucker you into helping wack weeds around the ranch

6. We get Donald Trump involved in the Economic Package... Have him run an “Apprentice Iraq” thing that will create hundreds of jobs

5. Gates, you’re the rookie here, so its on you to go make the taco run ...

4. I’m sorry Mr. President, you can’t release the new Iraq Strategy via Signing Statement, you have to do it with a public speech

3. After we get the strategy settled, let’s stick around and brainstorm a little on how we can get Condi a husband

2. Excuse me Mr. Vice President ... As we mentioned twice already, we’re here today to discuss Iraq, not Iran

1. How much longer do we have to keep up the appearance we’re that we’re really paying attention to the Iraq Study Groups’ Report?

President Bush indicated, with his hands, on just how close he is to coming up with a new strategy for Iraq

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Fourth Day

Keeping with the spirit of things, feel free to sing out loud.

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Fourth Day

On the fourth day of Christmas,

my Dubya sent to me

Four of Cheney’s birds,

Three ~~French~~ Freedom Fries,

Two Fed-Soc Judges,

Links

Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Third Day

Keeping with the spirit of things, feel free to sing out loud.

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Third Day

On the third day of Christmas,

my Dubya sent to me

Three ~~French~~ Freedom Fries

Two Fed-Soc Judges,

Links

Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Developing Story - Polar Bears Added To Iraq Options

Bush Administration Wavering On Polar Bears; Considering Employing In Iraq, War Against Terror

Rove Claims He Also Has “The Science”, Says Bears “Will Do Fine In Desert Heat”

After initially deciding to place the polar bear as an Endangered Species, the Bush Administration has halted the formal filing of the paperwork, with a weary President Bush adding to his deliberations while in Crawford, Texas, possibly deploying polar bears in Iraq and with the War Against Terror.

Sources tell The Garlic that the plan to use polar bears in Iraq will be discussed tomorrow, when the President conducts a National Security Council meeting with Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley and Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Deputy White House press secretary Scott Stanzel would not confirm or deny the use of polar bears, stating that “all options are on the table.”

Stanzel also dismissed rumors that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, now that his death sentence has been upheld, as asked to be executed by polar bear and would not comment on reports that polar bears may be part of the 3,500 troops the Pentagon is planning on sending to Kuwait as a standby force.

Polar Bears? That Would Really Take The Cake, Says Biden

Critics charge that the discussion about polar bears is another way the President is avoiding and delaying serious debate about the U.S. role in Iraq and, at the same time, giving indications that he is likely to offer as “his way forward”, an escalation of the occupation of Iraq.

“Did he pull this one out of his Iraq Jar,” asked a not-amused Senator Joseph Biden, who announced he’s planning on fighting any troop build-up in Iraq.

“I mean, c’mon, is he serious about this? Polar bears? ... I mean, that would really take the cake if does something like this ...”

The move to place the polar bear under the Endangered Species Act comes after numerous studies have shown that the effects of Global Warming has been melting the Artic ice cap, and impacting the animals natural habitat and ability to feed itself. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service officials say, without any measures being taken the polar bear could become extinct within 45-years.

How polar bears could be deployed in Iraq is also questioned by experts, citing that the animals and their fat-layered 1,000+ pound bodies would not survive the heat of the desert and Middle East. There’s questions about their diet and the cost the military would face with having to bring the polar bears main staple of food - seals - into Iraq

“This is insane,” offered William DeMers, owner of the website and portal www.mypolarbear.com, that is a popular on-line meeting space for polar bear researchers, scientists and enthusiasts.

“These are cold climate wild animals,” huffed an angry DeMers. “You can’t just slap a flak jacket on them and throw them in the middle of the desert and expect them to perform like it was a matinee show at Sea World ... It doesn’t work that way!”

Rove Has “The Science” To Shoot Down Critics

Reports have circulated around the Crawford Ranch that President Bush made some off-hand comment about using polar bears, after seeing a Coca Cola television commercial. The iconic soft drink company has used the polar bear in advertising campaigns over the years.

Upon hearing this, Special White House Council Karl Rove announced that he had “The Science”, quickly dismissing critics of using the polar bear in Iraq. Rove also added that he still has “The Math”, which the special skill under served him for his calculations of a Republican victory in the recent Midterm elections.

Rove claims that he has studies that show jihadists’ insurgents with a near-death-inducing fear of polar bears.

While not offering where the study results came from, many believe they were from practical studies conducted in the Administration’s “robust interrogations” at Guantanamo and other secret CIA prisons. Reports also surfaced that in some of the Bush Administration’s Extraordinary Renditions, terror suspects were chained to cages containing polar bears down in the cargo hold of the planes, within inches of the huge animals reach.

“They will do fine in the desert heat,” boasted Rove.

Rove would neither confirm or deny that the use of polar bears were sections heavily redacted in the recent New York Times Op-Ed article, “What We Wanted to Tell You About Iran”.

Vice President Dick Cheney’s Iran Study Group also declined comment.

President Bush may end up in the rough if his way forward includes using polar bears in Iraq

Top Ten Cloves: Other Surprising Things Found With Microsoft’s New Windows Vista Software

News Item: Vista Flaw Discovered, Risk Believed Low

10. All on his own, Donald Trump announced he’s giving Microsoft a second chance with Vista, which you can see on his “Apprentice” show next month

9. In conjunction with the release, Microsoft suing the City of Chula Vista, so product isn’t associated with “the Cleveland of California”

8. Promises LonelyGirl15 that with Vista, she won’t be lonely any longer

7. Knowing Microsoft’s history, Apple launching a “Frequent Crash Points” program to PC Users; Possible to earn enough to get a Mac

6. While Russian Hackers may be able to break into Vista, Microsoft assuring that there is no threat of Polonium 210 poisoning

5. Former President Ford tried to hang on for the Vista release, but the delays were too much

4. Rep Tom Tancredo (R-CO) misheard the news and has already prepared legislation to shut down Microsoft so they don’t make “Visas for illegal aliens available on the Internet”

3. White House staff had a pool going on what would come first - The release of Vista or Bush’s new Iraq Strategy

2. Bugs and flaws are guaranteed to have you throwing chairs and cursing just like Steve Ballmer

1. Code written into Vista that sends all your data directly to NSA, so they don’t have to bother with the FISA Court or take the time and trouble to tap into you

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Second Day

Keeping with the spirit of things, feel free to sing out loud.

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The Second Day

On the second day of Christmas,

my Dubya sent to me

Two Fed-Soc Judges,

Links

Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Monday, December 25, 2006

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The First Day

Keeping with the spirit of things, feel free to sing out loud.

Twelve Days of Dubya ...The First Day

On the first day of Christmas,

my Dubya sent to me

A backrub at the G8

Links

Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Happy Holidays! ... Coming Soon - The 12 Days of Dubya

Good Morning Garlic Fans!

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!

We hope it's a great day for you, wherever you are ... And come tonight, it will get even better.

The Garlic will kick off it's rendition of the "The 12 Days of Christmas", appropriately titled "The 12 Days of Dubya" this evening, beginning with Day 1 and counting down until January 6, 2007. Posting will be approximately 11PM each night.

Be sure to check out (or, warm-up, as you will) with yesterday’s post of Twas The Night Before The New Congress, or add some mirth to your day with Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter.

So enjoy your day and once again, Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Twas The Night Before The New Congress

Editors Note: Our regular Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves is being replaced today with a Garlic Special, to commemorate the Christmas Holiday. What else could that be but to take a classic, tweak it and ... Well, we’ll let you decide ...

Have a very Merry Christmas!

Garlic Special: Twas The Night Before The New Congress

Twas the night before the New Congress, when all through the White House
Not a Neocon was stirring, not even the Decider-in-Chief, that louse
The plans to attack Iran were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that William Kristol would soon give a cheer

The Joint Chiefs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of surges danced in their heads.
And Laura in ‘kerchief, bemoaning Condi’s being mateless,
And I, plotting and scheming to avoid the press

When out in the Rose Garden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew off my butt,
Tore open the shutters while thinking a new tax cut

The moon on the breast of the climate-warmed snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature Congress, and all Democrats, I fear

So lively and quick, was a big ol’ Bertha
I knew in a moment it must be John Murtha.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Nancy! Now, Harry! Now, Levin and Hoyer!
On, Connors! On, Waxman! On, Biden and their lawyer!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the Hurricane Katrina fly,
When they meet with a Signing Statement, alas, could only cry.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Subpoenas, one for Cheney too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The boasting they had a handful of proof
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Big Murtha came with a bound

He had the look of grrr, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with lies and soot.
A bundle of Subpoenas he had flung on his back
And he looked like a prosecutor going after DeLay’s PAC

His eyes were on the WMD’s and how it was a slam dunk
And the intelligence and Niger and all the other junk
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Now that my public opinion ratings are ever so low

The copy of the Constitution he held tight in his teeth,
Its clear law encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a serious face showing it was all biz
That shook and laughed when I countered I have the Math Whiz

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Rep,
And I laughed when I saw him, as he explained my misstep
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, with warrants from the House Clerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He warned not a CIA Agent should get exposed!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"God Bless America, everyone knows we are right!"