Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Breaking News! ISG Offers New Option For Bush Legacy

Baker Group Recommends New Reality Show For Iraq Solution

Hybrid of “Lost Meets Extreme Makeover”; Winner Gets To Replace Maliki And Run Country

Stunningly, saying that the group “endeavored mightily to stay within our current historical period”, the final report of the Iraq Study Group delivered to President Bush today includes a chapter, which notes offers the best chance for success, that calls for the White House to stage a reality television show that will produce the solution for the Iraq situation.

Sources close to the White House, and who shared a copy of the report with The Garlic, say that this chapter is classified, and will not be released in the public version of the report.

An earlier recommendation from the ISG pointed to having President Bush “re-do” his invasion of Iraq.

The proposal for a reality television show offers, according to the report, “the avenue to reach the broadest possible ideas for a resolution.”

The proposed reality show, which the ISG also offers titles, such as “Lost In Iraq”, “Extreme Diplomacy Makeover” and “Who Wants To Be An Iraqi Prime Minister” goes further, suggesting that the program be produced by an American television network, and al-Jazeera in the Middle East.

Along with the television broadcasts, the program would be covered by and Reality TV Magazine, under exclusive agreements already reached with the Iraq Study Group.

With the two separate programs, the respective winners would meet in what the report calls “The Ultimate World Super Bowl”, that would be broadcast over two nights, and, the reports predicts, would “shatter, completely” all television rating records. Furthermore, the ISG report forecasts that “billions” in advertising revenue would be generated, and suggests splitting the profits between the television networks and a fund that would go towards reconstruction projects for Iraq

The winner of the reality television program would then replace Nuri al-Maliki as Prime Minister of Iraq, and serve in that post until the next Iraq election, or, until the following years’ reality television program, whichever comes first.

Best Chance For Legacy

In a section of this Reality Television Chapter, James Baker confronts a topic that had to be difficult for the President to read.

Baker, bluntly, confronts the “Bush Legacy” and suggests that “with military and political options for success looking ever more bleak” President Bush should consider this reality television program to “salvage some level of accomplishment.”

“While the meter twitches slowly to ‘Worst President’, legacy status can be achieved via this reality television program. The history books will say one thing, however, popular culture will recognize you as the greatest television producer of the most-watched program in history.”

The ISG report notes very few, “unprecedented” events could top “The Ultimate World Super Bowl”, citing things like the marriage of the Pope , the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, or the first interviewer of Elvis Presley, upon his return.

Wide Open Field of Contestants

The ISG Report also suggests for the reality television program there be virtually no restrictions as to who can participate as a contestant.

The show would be open to anyone, including politicians, both currently in office as well as retired. So far, according to Baker, two have signaled they would like to audition for the program - former Secretary of State Alexander Haig and former Green Party Presidential nominee Ralph Nader.

Rumors, according to the sources who supplied the copy of the report to The Garlic, say the soon-to-leave Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has shown interest in being on the program, as has the recently voted out of office Senator, Rick Santorum.

As a subplot to the American broadcast, the report suggests having the contestants “engage in some level of tension, like a border dispute or immigration issue” with the participants of the Canadian reality program, “The Next Great Prime Minister Contest”.

Baker cautions President Bush not to overload the program with “office holders and policy wonks”, suggesting a “robust field of contestants,” with as many “Average Joe’s” as possible.

Again, being brutally open, Baker says that “the country, and world as seen what you and your administration as wrought. Contestants with no political or foreign policy experience will likely garner support from viewers and will be ratings-drivers.”

ISG To Serve As Judges

To “preserve continuity”, Lee Hamilton, the co-leader of the Iraq Study Group, indicates that the group will serve as judges of the program, adding in “celebrities” as dictated by current events around the time of the broadcasts.

Lee cites an example, saying if the reality show was being broadcast today, the group will likely add to the judging panel Michael Richards, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and “a real ratings-grabber, the Bush Twins.”

The report says the al-Jazeera will be free to compose their own judge’s panel and, there will be no restrictions. President Bush is encouraged to reach out to Afghanistan and Pakistan, and to increase efforts to locate Osama bin-Laden, suggesting that having the Al Qaeda leader, via remote, on the panel would “guarantee that weeks’ ratings top spot.”

Prisoners held at Guantanamo, as well as secret CIA Prisons, would be eligible to be on the reality series, either as contestants or judges, as much as their scheduled harsh interrogations allow.

Special Caveats Embedded In Reality TV Proposal

Baker notes that President Bush will automatically join the Judging Panel upon his leaving office, including if he is impeached, which would “really boost the ratings.”

It will be written into the contract with the both the American network and al-Jazeera, that the Carlyle Group and Halliburton have the option of “specially discounted” advertising rates.

Lastly, Baker, speaking directly to President Bush, cites how Dick Cheney became Vice President, and stipulates the ISG reserves the right to cancel the reality television show and name himself - Baker - as Prime Minister of Iraq.

1 comment:

TotallyFixed said...

For a great trailer for an Iraq-based reality TV show see:

David Caputo
Positronic Design