Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Breaking News! Iraq Study Group Report Likely To Be Ignored

President Putting New Policy Suggestions In “Iraq Jar”; Rarely Pays Attention To It

First Lady “Always Harping” Aides Say; Rumsfeld Memo Completely “By Chance”, Luck Of The Draw

Against the backdrop of the hearings to confirm Robert Gates, and the drum roll for the release of the Iraq Study Group report, a bombshell disclosure emerged from the White House that has Washington buzzing.

Sources have told The Garlic not to expect much action after the Iraq Study Group issues their report tomorrow, as President Bush, for months, has been placing all new ideas for his course in Iraq in an old, large “olive jar”, and rarely opens it to review the policy suggestions.

It’s a Classic Jar

It’s known around the White House as the “Iraq Jar”, and sits on a small table, off to the side, in the Oval Office.

“It’s about half full,” said one White House aide. “All different sized scraps of paper. Every now-and-then, when he’s talking on the telephone, pacing around, he might twist the jar, center it on the table, but he rarely ever opens it.”

It’s the type of jar, said the aide, which you would find in a bulk, discount supermarket. It was brought into the White House from the President’s ranch down in Crawford, Texas.

“I’ve seen the jar and it’s a classic,” gushed Maxwell Throckmorton, Director of the Chore Jar Association. “We featured it a few years ago, in our magazine, “Chores and Love - It’s All In The Jar”. It was our cover shot and we got a tremendous boast in membership for a few months. People would be surprised how a well-maintained Chore Jar saves marriages.”

“I can’t imagine,” marveled the White House aide, how long it took to eat all those olives.”

First Lady, President Clash Over Iraq Jar

Another source says that the Iraq Jar has become a major point of contention between the President and First Lady.

“They’ve had some terrific rows,” said the source, with intimate knowledge of the White House.

“The First Lady has, on numerous occasions, stormed into the Oval Office and they’ve gone at it about the Iraq Jar. Forget about the policy issues, she’s really pissed he brought it up from Texas ... Throws of the décor in the room.”

Mrs. Bush has, according to the source, repeatedly requested the President to take a Saturday off, and go through the Iraq jar and clean it out

Multiple sources have told The Garlic that the President rarely dips into the Iraq Jar.

As new ideas and suggestions come in, or if items are clipped from the newspaper, they just get dumped into the Iraq Jar with barely a glance.

Leaked Rumsfeld Memo Pulled From Jar

It was only due to an argument, aboard Air Force One, between the President and First Lady that led to the leak of the memo for outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Allegedly, just two-days before he was forced to resign, Rumsfeld penned a length memo, covering nearly every possible condition for changes in Iraq.

“Rumsfeld has just about everything in that memo,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?, the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. ‘I think he even predicts who the Super Bowl winner is this year. It’s a classic Washington cover-your-ass move.

Returning to the White House, the President and First Lady marched into the Oval Office, opened up the Iraq Jar and the President pulled out a piece of paper, which turned out to be the Rumsfeld memo

President Flip-Flopping on his Iraq policy

For much of the past three-years, it has been “Stay The Course”, until recently, when the Bush White shifted over to “Hello, I Must Be Going”, denying they were ever advocating “Stay The Course”.

Then, last week, in Jordan, President Bush, after meeting with, and endorsing as the “right guy for Iraq” despite a leaked State Department memo question his competency, Iraq Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, and promised to “complete the mission” and that “I know there's a lot of speculation that these reports in Washington mean there's going to be some kind of graceful exit out of Iraq," he said. "This business about a graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all."

NSA Aide Stephen Hadley defended President Bush on a round of television appearances over the weekend, denying that the President was staying with, or abandoning “Stay The Course”.

“We have not failed in Iraq,” offered Hadley. "We will fail in Iraq if we pull out our troops before we're in a position to help the Iraqis succeed."

“We certainly hope that the President doesn’t pull out of Iraq and that he ignores the report,” says Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century.

‘We not only want to see him stay the course in Iraq, but also start to do something in Iran ... Which I believe the Vice President is handling those plans ... With the State of the Union speech not too far off, we want to see some action taken on the Axis members, it’s long overdue.”

It’s not clear if the President will immediately drop the Iraq Study Group report into the Iraq Jar. Some close to the West Wing say that Vice President Dick Cheney’s office will take the document and vet it, making sure there is nothing in it that goes towards diluting or eliminating the Executive Powers of President Bush, or Cheney’s ability to control policy.

“I think it’s a safe bet, said Aaronson, “that unless this report gives him instant legacy, the President will throw it in the Iraq Jar. He’s not going to change his stripes at this late date.”

Multiple sources have told The Garlic that the President rarely dips into the Iraq Jar.

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