Saturday, August 26, 2006

Weeding The Garlic Patch - New Garlic Weekend Feature

Weeding The Garlic Patch - New Garlic Weekend Feature

Time to do a little weeding of The Garlic Patch (or, if you must know, cleaning out the Draft Folder), before indulging in a thoroughly needed lazy afternoon.

If you feel the same need, check out the perfect soundtrack for it, courtesy of the legendary Jazz singer, Bob Dorough

Louder, please, Mr. Allen’

Seems like Senator George Allen’s (R-VA) Confederate Flag may be getting a bit tattered ... Who’s giving Allen apology advice - Hillary Swank?

Air GQ?

Air Marshalls in Big Kahuna threads?

Where are the blaring, prop-heavy pronouncements from the White House? ...That Hawaiian shirts are now being employed in the Global War Against Terrorism...Better to wear them over there, as opposed to wearing them here ... Just “adapting to win”, I guess ...

Everyone That’s A Real Planet, Take One Step Forward - Pluto, You Sit This One Out

With Pluto getting their intergalactic pink slip this past week, does Disney go back and re-edit (can you say DVD sales?) all of its’ films and cartoons, plugging in a smaller dog?... What happens to our horoscopes now? When there’s a Pluto influence, do they print it in smaller type?

The Garlic reported on what President Bush is doing about it earlier this week

You Just Knew The 10-Days Weren’t Enough

Well, since he lost Crawford, he had to go somewhere ...

If the old Saturday Night Live used Fidel Castro instead of the other guy, we’d lose a classic punch line (“ Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead”)

Perhaps you’ve noticed, with Iraq, Iran, Israel, Hezbollah - and JonBenet Ramsey - dominating the headlines, we’ve been left hanging on the condition of Cuba’s Fidel Castro ... Dead or Alive? ... There are a few cloves that feel news of our favorite dreaded Communist leader should be resurfacing, with the Midterm Elections getting hotter and heavier ... Karl Rove, or Bush’s Point Man (Our Man Not In Havana) Caleb Charles McCarry must have something in their fabled playbook ... And likely, you’ll see all those pompous GOP pols and candidates, who huffed, puffed and screeched to save Terri Schiavo and keep her tubes in, will be calling for the Cuban MD’s to pull Castro’s out ...

Wonder if Bill Frist will be culling over videotape on this one

Would God Vote On A Diebold Machine?

Hmmm ... This guy is not listening to Katherine Harris ... Where’s Pat Robertson when you could really use him?

Primary-Losing Joe Has Not Left and Not Gone Away

Okay, raise your hand on this one ... If Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R-CT) does manage to get reelected, what happens first;

A) He caucuses with the Republicans, or B) Submits legislation to abolish primary races?

Secretary Rumsfeld? ... The Democrats Would Like To See You Before Your Go Home

We know Rumsfeld has a bark and, quite likely, a good bite to go with it ...

So, we can expect some classic Rummy self-asked-and-answered questions in the not-too-distant future ...

The Dems need to be careful - they may end up voting the vote they have, versus voting the vote they want

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Breaking News! Bush Betting On Science To Bail Him Out

Bush Mobilizing Government, Private Scientists To Rush Development Of Political Plan B Pill

Says Morning After Use Can Still Bring Iraqis To View U.S. As Liberators; Placebos To Be Given To “Al-Qaeda Types”

Coming on the heels of the FDA’s announcement of approving the over-the-counter sales of the controversy-laden Plan B contraceptive, known commonly as the “morning-after pill”, and an Inspector General’s report declaring the “Seeds of Democracy” used as worthless, the White House disclosed that President Bush has mobilized both government and private industry to rush the development of a “Political Plan B” pill.

According to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, who briefed reporters this evening, the program has actually been in place since “around February”, after the President’s State-of-the-Union speech.

“As many of you know, the President in that speech put out a call to the science and research community, to break the addiction to oil - and we got swamped with calls and papers from just about every corner of the universe... Big laboratories, universities and anyone with a rusty Gilbert Chemistry Set was knocking on the door ...”

“That, sort of, kicked off some talks here,” continued Snow, “about what, if anything we could do in Iraq, using all this egghead power that was coming into us.”

Bush Frustrated, Giving Up On Progress, But Ramping Up The Fear

The White House is desperately looking for any good news to stick its’ flag into, as the President personal approving ratings have sunk and more polls show that a majority of Americans do not feel safer, or believe that the war in Iraq is related to the War on Terror

For the first time since he diverted troops and resources from the War on Terror, and ordered the invasion and occupation of Iraq, President Bush is admitting to being disappointed.

As reported by the Washington Post today, President Bush, in his press conference earlier, failed to use the word “progress” when talking about the conditions in Iraq

"Frustrated?" he asked. "Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I'm happy. This is -- but war is not a time of joy. These aren't joyous times. These are challenging times and they're difficult times and they're straining the psyche of our country."

Most recently, President Bush has had to declare that “We’re Not Leaving So Long As I’m The President” to push back at his critics.

And in attempt to play on the “Fear Card” that has worked so well for the White House since September 11th and to capitalize on the recent terror plot broken up in London, Bush placed three new planets on the Terror Watch List, implicating Iran, who Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has called a “paper tiger”, in attempting to expand their influence.

This was after the President absorbed world-wide criticism for failing to call on Israel to institute a cease-fire in their conflict with Hezbollah.

Bush Snake-Bitten?

“This is the most down I’ve ever hear him”, said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. “It’s been a real rough stretch for the President, perhaps more than any other President has had to face.”

A string of mishaps, bad judgment and miscalculations have plagued the President and his administration for some time now, including;

- Blaming poor intelligence for giving German Chancellor Angela Merkel a hearty belly kiss

- Having to be talked out of having the photo of deceased terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, lay In Capital Rotunda

- Losing his Crawford Ranch for his typical August vacation to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

- Having an earlier Inspector General tell the White House that they were out of strategies

Snow, and the White House, would not detail how, if developed, the new Political Plan B Pill would be used, or administered, citing National Security.

“We figured we’d “leak” it to you, before the New York Times decided to undercut us,” said Snow.

Political Plan B Pill Has “Liberator Power”

“I can tell you this, “ continued Snow, “that if this pill comes together the way these scientists have been talking, the President’s troubles will simply melt away.”

“We heard good things about this pill,” echoed Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative hawkish think tank, “Cry Wolf”, that is said to be closely affiliated with The Project for the New American Century (PNAC), and, some say, may be an adjunct to the White House Iraq Group, or WHIG.

“If it comes out,” said Varicator, “the President is likely to go for a double Nobel Prize - Peace and Science - in the same year, it’s that good. The Iraqi’s, or any other freedom-loving citizens, will get the pill and the Al-Qaeda-types will get a placebo.”

“Let me say this,” added Snow, “that once this pill comes out, and it’s used in its morning-after mode, the Iraqis may just yet greet us as liberators.”

The White House is betting that the Political Plan B Pill will put a smile on the face of President Bush and have all his problems "melt away"

Top Ten Cloves: Things About New York Times Hiring A Perfume Critic

News Item: New York Times Names...Perfume Critic?

10. I’ll give it about three-days before the Wall Street Journal writes an editorial tying in the criticism of perfume with supporting terrorism - just before they hire they’re own perfume critic

9. Will not change longtime historic motto to “All The Scents Fit To Stink”

8. Be careful if you ask Friedman for any opinions - He’ll only change his mind about three times over it

7. If you get any calls from former NYT reporter Judy Miller, hang up - She doesn’t have any reliable sources on caches of “Perfumes of Mass Destruction in Iraq

6. Won’t be long before Hollywood comes calling; New York Time Perfume Critics On A Plane

5. Especially since news hit the President Bush likes fart jokes, advised not to go around newsroom, asking people to “smell my wrists”

4. Hmmm ... Further monetization of New York Times Select - Can you say Times Select Smellorama!

3. Thoroughly briefed on the Jayson Blair period; Creating own perfumes will not be tolerated and will be cause for termination

2. Don’t expect Keller to sit on any “big, hot perfume pieces” - He only does that for the White House

1. Most of our writers and columnists appear, as experts, on networks like CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS and PBS - You’re going to have to bring us up to speed on the ... QVC

Hmmm ... Can you say Times Select Smellorama!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During the Marine Reservists’ Recall To Duty

News Item: Marine Reservists Facing Combat Duty

10. It’s been a bad week ... First I find out that Pluto isn’t really a planet, and now this ...

9. How is it that we have to go back to Iraq and the Army gets to have an Amusement Park?

8. Man, you tellin’ me that Secretary Rumsfeld hasn’t been fired yet?

7. Is this legit, or are they just pulling the “let’s raise the terror alert” thing again?

6. Where we being deployed - Iraq or Iran?

5. What the hell do we have to go back for - I thought it was “Mission Accomplished” two-years ago?

4. Don’t worry, it’s not a Civil War, just some pockets of Sectarian Violence

3. I’m gonna sign up for that detail that’s working with Senator Rick Santorum, finding all those WMD’s people said weren’t there

2. I’ll bet if Lieberman beat Lamont, this wouldn’t be happening now

1. So, we’re not going back to “stay the course”, it’s now “adapting to win” ... Just how are we going to do that?

What the hell do we have to go back for - I thought it was “Mission Accomplished” two-years ago?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Garlic Exclusive! New RNC/GOP Commercial!

It’s coming down to this ...

Cut-and-Run - Apply Directly To The Democrats!

Cut-and-Run - Apply Directly To The Democrats!

Cut-and-Run - Apply Directly To The Democrats!

Republicans Available Without Any Other Strategy Nationwide!

Head On!!

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things President Bush Won’t Do “So Long As I Am President”

News Item: Bush Says Iraq Pullout Would Be 'A Disaster'

10. Lay low on the terror alerts, between now and the Midterm Elections

9. Conduct talks directly with Iran and Syria

8. Do any more web searches on AOL

7. Stop trying to spread the seeds of democracy and freedom around the world - or stop talking about it

6. Miss the chance to tie the War On Terrorism with the Cold War by classifying all the strategic weapons in our nuclear arsenal

5. Ever think about criticizing new “Monday Night Football color commentator Tony Kornheiser

4. Why waste a veto - just keep issuing Signing Statements

3. Write a blog ... Like the folks over in Iran

2. Continue linking Iraq with Sept. 11th - Because nobody has ever suggested that the attacks of September 11 were ordered by Iraq

1. Endorse the Republican candidate in the Conneticutt Senator Race - Joe Lieberman is our kind of guy

President Bush says his song won't change, "so long as I am President"

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 20 August 2006

With the 1st Anniversary of Hurricane Katrina approaching, FEMA, ignoring criticism of poor oversight of the millions-of-dollars in reconstruction contracts issued, as well as “disaster profiteering” is preparing to announce that it is abandoning providing trailers for displaced New Orleans residents, instead issuing “Energy-Efficient TeePees”.

FEMA officials defended the use of TeePees, saying that they allow less space so “there’ll be less personal property loss the next time the city floods”.

Critics say that FEMA’s announcement of the TeePees is meant to distract from the new, critical Spike Lee documentary “When The Levees Broke: A Requiem In Four Acts”, airing on HBO

PETA, and other animal rights’ groups are protesting the U.S. Military, and President Bush’s use of giant owls in their new Baghdad security plan

In a related item, the State Department, over the objection and protest of the Pentagon , has hired the Lincoln Group, and another unnamed public relation firm to promote Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in the Middle East

The campaign will include television and radio appearances, ads across print media and the internet and giant banner billboards in major cities and along major highways

The campaign, touting Rice’s MidEast Peace Plan, is being titled “Our Friend, The Condi” and is said to be modeled after the Cold War relic, “Our Friend, The Atom”

Coming on the heels of President Bush’s illegal wiretapping program being slapped down by a Federal Court in Michigan, the World Santa Claus Congress, this weekend, announced that they have issued a censure of President Bush, similar to the one filed earlier this year by Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold, and that they, unanimously, called for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

In an effort to relieve the pressure at U.S. Airports, the
TSA, along with the Department of Homeland Security, is discussing with airline carriers to begin “single-person flights” for those passengers that wish to bypass the long, probing security lines

In a test program at three undisclosed airports, the number of passengers seeking the “single-person flights” dwarfed the number of planes available, causing havoc at terminals and runways, as passengers chased those who were taking off, and, in some cases, bringing the plane down, where scuffles ensued

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) said he was going to hold off commenting on the debacle of Senator George Allen (DX-VA) and his use of a racial slur or insult last week against a young campaign worker of his opponent Jim Webb, saying it’s he wants to see how this settles.

If Allen ends up receiving a bump in the polls, McCain said he wouldn’t rule out using the strategy in his 2008 Presidential Campaign

Kilroy Was Here ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll August 13 - August 19 200

If we listen long enough to Vice President Dick Cheney, and the others out of the RNC Spin Machine, we will soon come to believe that “Kilroy Was Here” has been replaced by “Lamont Was Here”. The rookie Senator-To-Be has been blamed for just about everything, except that he is really D.B. Cooper.

And so goes The Garlic Poll ...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll August 13 - August 19 200

We shouldn’t be surprised this week, when the White House, and RNC, releases information that the new British Terrorist suspects...

1. They were to appear, according to Joe Lieberman (I&R-CT), in new Ned Lamont campaign commercials 40%

2. A few of the suspects were seen in Niger, around the same time Saddam Hussein was trying to purchase uranium 27%

3. The ACLU and Democrats are establishing a defense fund for them 25%

4. Had an extensive collection of mushroom cloud photos on their personal computers 8%

This week’s Poll - With the Federal Court in Michigan slapping down President Bush’s illegal wiretapping last week, the White House is likely to...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote