Saturday, December 03, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 3 December 2005

A leaked copy of the World Bank's Annual Report shows that, as part of his perk package, President Paul D. Wolfowitz is entitled to a sabre-carrying bodyguard for any and all public appearances

"Wait a minute, it will come to me ... They're not insurrgents anymore, they're not global terrorists ...Goodness, it's right on the tip of my tongue ..."

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning this week, that excessive alcohol consumpation during the upcoming Holiday Season, can lead to health problems and "god awful hairdo's"

The California Department of Fish and Game solved a decades-old problem, one that will bring relief to millions of professional and weekend anglers, by capturing a rare photo of "the one that got away"

British tabloids are rife with speculation of "marital problems" and pub owners are irate as, since the new law that allows 24-hour alcohol sales, Prince Charles has been making the rounds, rarely going home and putting his drinks on the Buckingham Palace tab

As a measure to promote his new 'National Strategy For Victory In Iraq', and attempt to raise his plummeting approval ratings, President Bush will constantly have a billboard placed behind him to "remind the American people of the plan and that its' my plan, my timetable, my victory"

Additional news reports are surfacing, as The Garlic reported on Friday of the CIA "Blue Hole" newspapers, that along with writing pro-American stories, detainees are also being sent out to hawk the newspapers

Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday 2 December 2005

Paid News Scandal Widens; CIA Said To Run Network Of "Blue Hole" Newspapers

Detainees Forced To Work As Copy Editors Or Write Stories In Isolation; Old Typewriters With No Wite-Out Used

Following yesterday's screeching news that the Pentagon has awarded a contract to a public relations firm to plant news stories in Iraqi newspapers, and the White House confusing materials that allowed President Bush to give one of this faux news stories as his "National Strategy for Victory In Iraq", The Garlic learned this morning the CIA has maintained a covert and secret network of "Blue Holes", or newspapers, run by detainees in the Middle East and Eastern Europe.

Last month, the Washington Post uncovered that the CIA was running a secret, "Black Hole" prison system for captured terrorists.

The high-level government official, who doesn't have the approval to speak on record, indicated that, at times, detainees are moved from the "Black Holes" to the "Blue Holes". Typically, the source indicated, this is based on either the intellect of the prisoner, combined with his or her involvement in terror or level of crime, and, at other times, it is considered "a form of psychological torture to have these people write news copy praising American and the Iraq war effort".

These "Blue Hole" newspapers are said to be in Iraqi, Jordan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Romania, a site that was formerly in East Germany and up to three, or four other locations in provinces of the former Soviet Union.

'Conditions", said the government official, " in the blue holes are, generally, alittle better then the secret prisons, but they aren't someplace you or I would want to spend any time in".

After being captured, prisoners that are sent to the "Blue Holes" are indoctrinated, forced to read newspapers, books on newspapers and watching movies for days and nights on-end without sleep, such as 'His Girl Friday', 'Deadline USA',
'Ace in the Hole' (also known as 'The Big Carnival'), 'Meet John Doe', 'Parallax View' and others.

Detainees are said to then be forced into positions that many are not qualified for, yet expected to produce favorable results.

"At times, some of these people are put in isolation cells and forced to write or edit the news stories there, with no resources like a style book or, even a dictionary".

The equipment in these "Blue Holes" are, at best, antiquated. Detainees write with old, manual typewriters and, until a level of trust is developed, Wite-Out is withheld, meaning the prisoners are forced to rewrite stories hundreds of times before they are error-free.

There are unconfirmed rumors that Judith Miller, the former New York Times reporter who was jailed for 85-days in the CIA Leak Case, may have spent some of her prison time working in one of the "Blue Holes".

The White House had no comment on the news of the secret CIA newspaper, as the President's staff is still busy untangling the snafu that occurred yesterday.

When leaving to give his speech at the Naval Academy, President Bush was given the wrong folder, the "National Strategy for Victory In Iraq", that was actually intended for the 'Paid News" program run by the Lincoln Group, a Washington, D.C. public relations firm hired by the Pentagon. Lincoln has been writing, and translating into Arabic, news stories written by the U.S. Military and planting them in Iraqi newspapers.

As President Bush delivered the "National Strategy for Victory In Iraq", to a live audience, as well as the speech being carried by cable news outlets, the President alluded that anyone could "download the document from".

In Iraq, the Al Sabah newspaper ended up printing as a news story what was supposed to be the President's speech, a critical diatribe against the Democratic Party for "undermining the war effort" and directly personal attacks against Rep. John Murtha (D-PA), Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Sen. John Kerry (D-MA)

A spokesperson for the Central Intelligence Agency would neither confirm or deny if the CIA was running "Blue Hole" newspapers, indicating that, if they were, "that would be classified information" and, if they are not, "then there's nothing to comment on".

Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward said that he's known of the CIA "just about my whole life", but only recently admitted that knowledge to his colleagues and editor.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Bill Richardson Has Taken Off His Biography

10. Really Watergate's "Deep Throat" but Woodward had already told editors that it was Mark Felt, so he let it go

9. Charley Finley got the idea for white cleats from him

8. Responsible for naming elephant mascot "Jumbo" while attending Tufts University

7. Runner-Up for the Heisman Trophy in 1965

6. Developed the first Slinky, then called the "Billy" but sold design to concentrate on being drafted by Kansas City Athletics

5. Choosing to go into politics, gave his plans for having successful talk show and media empire to, then unknown, Oprah Winfrey

4. He had the affair with Monica Lewinsky but President Clinton insisted on taking the hit for it

3. First brush with politics came sitting next to Churchill at the Potsdam Conference

2. Early partner of John DeLorean; First prototype of gull-winged car was called "The Richardson"

1. Upon his death, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico will change name to Bill Richardson, New Mexico

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Thursday 1 December 2005

White House "Embarrassed"; Bush Victory Strategy Speech Written By PR Agency

Gave President Wrong Folder; Iraqi Newspaper Prints Slams Against Murtha, Kerry, Pelosi

More evidence of a White House in turmoil was uncovered this morning as Chief of Staff Andy Card admitted that President Bush's "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" speech yesterday was written by a PR Agency hired by the Pentagon.

Shortly after the President's speech on the status of the War in Iraq at the Naval Academy yesterday morning, news broke that a Washington, D.C. public relations firm, the Lincoln Group, has been hired by the Pentagon to write and plant stories in Iraqi newspapers, and other media, that offer a pro-American, optimistic slant on the war.

In a damaging comedy of errors, the President was handed a folder as he was rushed to Annapolis to deliver what was to be his standard "stay the course" speech, and to defend his policies with slamming put-downs of Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Representative Jack Murtha (D-PA) and Senator John Kerry (D-MA).

The folder the President received was the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" outline. The folder with his speech attacking the Democrats was faxed to Al Sabah, a major Iraqi newspaper.

"We screwed the pooch, that's for sure," said a depressed and embarrassed Card.

In Card's brief statement, blame was not placed on anyone specifically, as Card himself said that "I'll own up to the responsibility, I'll take the hit on this one."

Card also lamented "trying to sell a new product" at the end of November"against the crush of the holiday season".

The 'New York Times' is reporting that the Pentagon's first public relations contract with Lincoln was awarded in 2004 for about $5 million with the stated purpose of accurately informing the Iraqi people of American goals and gaining their support.

"But while meant to provide reliable information, the effort was also intended to use deceptive techniques, like payments to sympathetic "temporary spokespersons" who would not necessarily be identified as working for the coalition, according to a contract document and a military official"

According to the 'New York Times', this wasn't the only contract Lincoln has with the Pentagon,

"Last June, the Special Operations Command in Tampa awarded Lincoln and two other companies a multimillion-dollar contract to support psychological operations. The planned products, contract documents showed, include three- to five- minute news programs".

Adding to the White House woes, the President, in his speech, carried live by cable news networks, directed anyone listening that they could "download the 35-page "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" report at "".

And in Baghdad this morning, residents woke up to screaming headlines on how "the Democrats were undermining the war effort".

"Until when, and if, Karl Rove or Dick Cheney gets indicted," said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', "this is about the worst thing that could happen for Bush.

Former secretary of state Madeleine K. Albright said after the President's speech that "I so wish I could believe him. I like to believe an American president. But he's got such a credibility issue."

Muhammad Abdul Jabbar, the editor of Al Sabah, said that he thought "the copy was a bit unusual".

"We've printed a lot of the these stories from the American military before, so, as strange as it appeared, we thought there had to be some valid point to it and we ran with it."

Dan Bartlett, White House Communications Director, told a group of reporters that "damage control was already in place" and that changes were "already underway" to prevent such a error again.

"We're having Lincoln use different color folders when submitting their material", said Bartlett, "and, we've assigned a specific person to read the material and verify the distribution before letting it out of the office."

Jabbar stated that Al Sabah is "undecided" about running a correction and will "wait to see if the American advisors provide one".

Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward said that he knew "right after the war in Iraq started" that the United States would "eventually withdraw the troops" but withheld that information from his editor and colleagues.

So that the mission is clear and "everyone is on the same page", Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield has ordered that all U.S. Military personnel be tattooed with the new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger Named A Democratic His Chief of Staff

10. Trying to help Arlen Specter but couldn't get Terrell Owens out of his Philadelphia Eagles contract

9. It's part of a new script, Total Recall II, where he loses his mind

8. Didn't want to take chances on any Republicans who might be likely to be indicted over the next year or two

7. Paris Hilton wasn't interested in the position

6. Insurance, if Bush's rating slide further, can switch parties without changing his staff

5. Years of steroid usage has finally kicked in

4. It was the 'Schwarzenegger House Ballot Measure"; Lost a bet to his wife

3. Part of his "California Strategy for Victory In Iraq"

2. Old Republican Chief of Staff got tired of having her ass slapped every time she walked by the Governor's desk

1. "I know I had a few drinks last night, but I did what?"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Wednesday 30 November 2005

Breaking News

Iraqi Elections Face Delay; Dye Manufacturers Can't Meet Production Dates

Says Holiday Season Causing Overload At Plants; "Not Enough Purple Left To Meet Expected Vote Turnout"

As President Bush took the stage today, at the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md., to give a speech backing his new "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" strategy released by the White House earlier this morning, word came down that the scheduled December 15th Iraqi elections may have be delayed, indefinitely, due to a lack of dye.

The Iraqis have used a purple dye to verify voters in their previous election, held last year.

A spokesperson for the American Dye Manufacturers Association (ADMA - We Color The World) confirmed that the White House was contacted today and advised that production overloads, due to the holiday season, will cause a back-up in producing enough purple dye to meet the expected voter turnout in Iraq.

"We're totally swamped right now", said Ted Gelona, ADMA spokesperson. "We're coming off Halloween and Thanksgiving, which is a big order period for our members and were run right smack into Christmas, or the holiday season, I'm not sure what we're calling it this year."

Gelona indicated that plants are running at full capacity, 24/7, just to meet standard, yearly orders, from producers such as Christmas ornaments, wrapping paper and "the punk rock and Metallica crowds, for their hair".

"Tinsel is also up there this year", said Gelona. "We've seen a huge spike in tinsel, and in many new colors. It's caused a big strain on the system".

There was no official comment from the White House after receiving the news. A flurry of activity was witnessed in the West Wing and local Washington D.C. office supply stores indicated a flood of calls and website hits, for items like magic markers and felt-tipped pens. There was one report of a Staples store in nearby Arlington, Virginia being cleared out by the Secret Service and White House interns entering to shop behind them.

In Iraq, President Jalal Talabani was reported to be "very irate", for both, hearing the news of no purple dye from the wire services and the likely potential of having to postpone the elections.

A spokesperson for the National Assembly indicated that "we only have a very small supply of purple dye left over … Not nearly enough for a national election."

In the President's new "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq," a 35-page document, there are no contingency plans for the supply of purple dye for Iraqi elections nor do any of the outlines for training the Iraqis calls for purple dye production.

A senior administration official indicated that "there isn't enough time to train the Iraqis to manufacture purple dye".

"The President again rejected setting a timetable for withdrawal," offered the official, "so, from a military view, the lack of dye doesn't have a great impact."

Gelona said that the ADMA is preparing to offer the Bush Administration and the Iraqi government a "discounted supply of discontinued colors" to meet the election demand.

"We have a good inventory of discontinued colors", said Gelona. "Enough for a few elections. But they'll have to mix-and-match, it just won't be all the same color. We have some pastels, that really didn't strike the public's fancy and we have some variations of green that, I think, was tied into a promotion when some Impressionist show was going on."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reed (D-NV) was quick to criticize the purple dye shortage.

"I think it would be appropriate for the Iraq voters to have a bunch of different colored fingers," said Reed. "It would be a clear demonstration of this Administration's policies in Iraq and their ability to handle a detail like having enough purple dye".

In Washington, reporter and author Bob Woodward, in an article in today's 'Washington Post', admitted that he knew of the upcoming Iraqi elections "over a year ago" but didn't tell his editor or colleagues.

To dispel rumors of a White House in turmoil, Vice President Dick Cheney offered his public pledge to stand behind the new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" at a ceremony in the auditorium inside his Secret Bunker

Top Ten Cloves: Other Titles Considered For President's New "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq"

10. Love In The Time Of Bombing Baghdad

9. Mein Iraq

8. Extreme Makeover Special Edition: The Middle East

7. How George Bush Conquered Iraq and Freed The Middle East

6. For Internal Use Only - Halliburton's Revenue Projections For Rebuilding Iraq

5. Waiting for Fox News to get back to us with something snappy

4. The International Clean Sand Act

3. No title and no release, per Vice President Dick Cheney

2. Compassionate Nation Building

1. National Strategy For Bidding Time In Iraq Until Something Good Happens

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Tuesday 29 November 2005

Supreme Court Bids To Hear eBay Patent Case

Faces Tough Competition For Appeal; Budget May Hinder Ability To Meet Reserve Price

The Supreme Court signaled yesterday that they are entering the bidding to hear the appeal of a patent violation case against the online auction house, eBay.

A Federal Court judge refused to issue an injunction against eBay, on behalf of MercExchange, a small company in Great Falls, Virginia, after MercExchange won a 2003 case in which eBay was shown to have violated three patents and was awarded more than $25-Million in damages.

In refusing the injunction, Judge Jerome B. Friedman of Federal District Court, noted that MercExchange "exists solely to license its patents or sue to enforce its patents, and not to develop or commercialize them".

The United States Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit, a specialized court here that hears all appeals in patent cases, overturned the district court's decision this year and ruled that MercExchange was entitled to the injunction it sought.

In an unusual move, the appeals court, while granting a stay of its decision, ordered that the case be "put to bid" on eBay.

The Supreme Court faces stiff competition to win the bid to hear the case.

With a Reserve Price of $25-Million, there are presently seven bidders; three from China, two from Europe and two here in the United States.

One Chinese bidder reached by The Garlic, "PekingBob" said that his small village is attempting to enter the global economy and "getting this case would put us on the map".

Another bidder, "RomanianLoveChild" fronts a consortium looking to land the case for the European Union.

In the U.S. "PhiladelphiaDad", a venture capital banker, said that his firm wants the eBay case "as a means to bring the Federal Government back to it's true home, here in Philadelphia".

The other U.S. bidder, identified only as "Anonymous" refused to state any information about themselves but did indicate that, if they win the bid, they plan to podcast the hearing live, generating revenue by charging a fee to view and selling advertising.

They say also that they are working with Apple to develop a program of matching testimony in the case with iTunes offerings in real-time and that can be downloaded during the podcast and run as an accompanying soundtrack to the proceedings.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Supreme Court admitted that yesterday's announcement was only "proforma"

"We haven't actually won the bidding yet," said the spokesperson, "but we do need to place it in the schedule, to hold the date. If we don't win the bid, we simply drop it from the posting".

With court interns monitoring the bidding, in shifts, 24/7, one of the factors facing the Supreme Court's effort to win the bidding for the case is the Reserve Price.

"We don't have unlimited funds", said the court's spokesperson. "We'd have to get special clearance from the Justice Department to keep pace with the bidding if it goes over a certain level".

The spokesperson also indicated that representatives of the court are in talks with CSPAN, the E Network and Court TV as to potential partnerships and investment in order to raise additional funds to compete for the case. Congress stands ready to pass an emergency resolution that would allow for the Supreme Court to take on a partner.

The spokesperson did admit that the high court has already rejected offers of investment from now-former Congressman Randall "Duke" Cunningham and lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

Citing his committment to enforcing the new Immigration policies, President Bush said that he'll do whatever is necessary, including "I'll suit up and patrol the borders, if that's what it takes ..."

News In Brief 29 November 2005

Bush Fires Up New Immigration Plans; New Temp Workers Must Open Private SS Accounts

Says Congress Has Same Access To Borders; Woodward Knew of Illegal Crossing For 2-Years

In an effort to gain the high political ground within his own Republican Party, President Bush, in a speech at the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson, Arizona, fired up a new immigration policy that defends his administration and will require newly documented temporary guest works to open private Social Security accounts.

"Illegal immigration's a serious challenge," Mr. Bush said, "And our responsibility is clear. We are going to protect the border."

The President defended his administration's immigration policies, saying that "the Congress has the same access to the border that we have."

In Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney said that it was "reprehensible" for anyone to cross the border illegally.

Representative Jean Schmidt (R-OH) said from the floor of the House that "Cowards cut and run, Border Patrol Agents don't".

In an effort to boost his sagging ratings, the President also announced a new Temporary Guest Worker Program, for the thousands of Mexican immigrants who want to work in this country and provide needed labor for many industries.

With an eye towards revitalizing his domestic agenda, the President indicated that the new Temporary Guest Workers will be required to open special private Social Security Accounts, which is a centerpiece of the President's plans ot overhaul the Social Security system.

"These private accounts", said the President, "will give these guest immigrants a future. They can invest the money they earn here as they see fit."

The President sees an opening that, should a portion of these temporary guest workers become U.S. Citizens, the special private Social Security accounts will be carried over and a base can begin building that will aide the President in pushing through his changes.

Both Arizona senators were in the audience for the President's speech. Senator John McCain co-sponsored a plan to give part the guest worker program a path to citizenship and Senator Jon Kyl has co-sponsored a bill to deny temporary workers a path to citizenship.

McCain has added an amendment to the bill funding the Temporary Guest Worker Program outlawing Border Patrol agents and the CIA from torturing any legal or illegal immigrants.

In a related matter, Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward disclosed to his editors that he knew, over two-years ago, that illegal immigrants were crossing the U.S. borders.

Top Ten Cloves: Why Time Magazine Is Allowing Their Reporter To Testify With Special Prosecutor

10. Hates being called "reprehensible"; Wants to stay on the good side of Vice President Cheney

9. Made a deal so they wouldn't be fined for having illegal immigrant workers

8. Two reporters that testify - Bragging rights over the New York Times

7. Thinks Fitzgerald likes woman reporters better; Hopes to get inside scoop on investigation

6. Chance to turn the tables and smear Karl Rove

5. Baiting Maureen Dowd to slam her in column and boost Time's circulation

4. Unlike Bob Woodward, Viveca Novak advised her editors of talks with Rove's lawyer

3. Wants a screaming "Inside The Grand Jury" cover story for December

2. Will have excuse if Viveca punches out a fellow airline passenger

1. Hoping that Fitzgerald gets his Novaks confused and gives Viveca the second source Robert used

Monday, November 28, 2005

Monday 28 November 2005

Bush Team Denies Plans To Bomb Al-Jazeera

Just "Kibitzing" With Blair; Says Only Had Contingency Plans To "Revive Anthrax Scare Campaign"

After issuing statements last week, calling the reports "outlandish" and "absolutely absurd", White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, in a press briefing, flatly denied that President Bush called for the bombing of the headquarters of the Arab television network, Al-Jazeera.

"The President advocated no such action," said McClellan. "After a long meeting, President Bush and Prime Minister Blair, were talking, kibitzing and joking around. Any remarks suggesting the bombing of Al-Jazeera were just non-sensical humor on the part of the President."

McClellan indicated that a self-depreciating comment attached to the remark went unreported.

"The President finished his comment on Al-Jazeera, saying that the military wanted the President to deliver the bomb by bicycle, but then ruled that out, fearing that, God-Knows-What, would end up being the targeted."

As was widely reported last week, back in April of 2004, President Bush allegedly told British Prime Minister Tony Blair of his desire to bomb the Al-Jazeera television station in Qatar. According to sources, Blair talked Bush out of such action, saying it "would cause a big problem."

The Arab television network, which began broadcasting in 1996, has been a source of disdain for Western governments, for their stories and images from a pro-Muslim viewpoint, including behind-the-lines reports of civilian casualties, as well as terrorist footage of beheadings and messages from Al-Qaeda and Osama bin-Laden.

Al-Jazeera, based in downtown Doha, the capital of Qatar, is the only independent television station operating in the Middle East and has a global audience that rivals the BBC. Despite the controversy of its' content, the station was recently voted the fifth most influential global brand behind Apple, Google, Ikea and Starbucks.

The Bush Administration thought the story would die with the initial explanation and denial, however, over the weekend, various British media and publications have threaten to publish the transcripts of the conversation between Blair and Bush, prompting the British Government to say they would impose the Official Secrets Act. Already, two civil servants have been charged with violating the act for allegedly disclosing the document.

McClellan also denied that the United States had plans to contaminate Al-Jazeera with Anthrax.

"That is a total fabrication," said McClellan. "We have no plans to revive the Anthrax Scare Campaign."

The Anthrax Scare Campaign was last used in the weeks following the terrorist attack of September 11th.

Beginning exactly one-week later, September 18th, letters containing a high grade of Anthrax were mailed to ABC News, CBS News, NBC News, the New York Post and the National Enquirer. A few weeks later, on October 9th, Anthrax letters were mailed to two Senators, Tom Daschle (D-SD) and Patrick Leahy (D-VT).

There were 22 infections and five deaths related to the Anthrax letters mailed.

During this time, while the nation was both paralyzed and transfixed over the Anthrax attacks, the Bush Administration and Justice Department rounded up and jailed hundreds of Arab-Americans for questioning, and pushed through Congress the Patriot Act.

McClellan would only say that the Anthrax Scare Campaign was one of "hundred-and-hundreds" contingency plans the government has and "when dealing with the terrorist threat, nothing is off the table".

"Vice President Cheney thought it to be reprehensible, that we would waste our Anthrax supply on the citizens of Qatar. We have no beef with Qatar."

McClellan went on to say that the Administration "wouldn't be surprised", if in Congressmen Murtha's immediate withdrawal plans, "something happened to Al-Jazeera."

'We have heard of some Far left plots … A stray rocket strike, or tank shell hits Al-Jazeera and they turn around and blame the President. That sounds like something Michael Moore would dream up."

Answering Republican charges that he's "out of his mind", Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) interupted a press conference to ask the assembled media if a UFO was hovering behind him.

Breaking News!

O'Reilly, Al-Qaeda In Heated Argument Over SF Targets

Strike Date, Debut of 'Muslim Factor' In Jeopardy Over Dispute

Over the Thanksgiving Holiday, Fox News television and radio host Bill O'Reilly got into a heated argument with representatives of Al-Qaeda, over the proposed targets for the terror group to hit in San Francisco.

Earlier this month, O'Reilly, broadcasting his Westwood One radio show on Election Day, made comments about the San Francisco ballot measure opposing the presence of military recruiters in city schools.

"Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead," O'Reilly said, according to transcripts of the program.

O'Reilly continued.

"And if al-Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead,"

Coit Tower, a tribute to firefighters, is the 1933 San Francisco landmark that sits atop Telegraph Hill.

Sources say that Al-Qaeda contacted O'Reilly and indicated they would like to talk with him about San Francisco

According to Eddie Mars, editor of 'Please Shoot Me', the newsletter that tracks the Fox News Channel, O'Reilly and three representatives of Al-Qaeda met at the Buena Vista Café, at the bottom of Hyde Street in San Francisco, the legendary watering hole, famous for introducing Irish Coffee's to the United States in the 1950's.

The Al-Qaeda members reportedly quizzed O'Reilly on how he knew of their plans to, potentially hit San Francisco. They then discussed the various targets and related to O'Reilly that Coit Tower wasn't that appealing to them.

"O'Reilly got upset," says Mars. "He was insisting that, if they hit the city, they need to take out the tower."

The Al-Qaeda members said that they had on their list the Trans-Am Pyramid Building, the famous Cable Car System and Pier 39, simply because they found it be a "cheap tourist trap" and an "arcade of sin".

At this point, according to Mars, O'Reilly got into an argument with another Buena Vista customer, who, in overhearing some of the conversation, asked the talk show host if he "had any loofah sponges in shape of Coit Tower", a reference to the sexual harassment suit O'Reilly settled in 2004.

A brief scuffle ensued, with O'Reilly and the patron throwing punches at each other, before management moved in to break up the pair. O'Reilly reportedly threatened the café that he was "with some people that could turn this place into splinters".

Before the meeting broke up, O'Reilly allegedly offered a comprise to Al-Qaeda, suggesting they "take out" Al Franken, in exchange for a few favorable "Talking Points Memo" on his nightly Fox News program. Al-Qaeda rejected the offer, citing there "wasn't a big economic impact to San Francisco or the United States" in eliminating Franken.

Mars reports that O'Reilly also met with Al-Jazeera while in San Francisco.

The Arab news network, recently said to be a target for bombing by President Bush, is rumored to be ready to launch an O'Reilly-style "Muslim Factor" program, to report and spin the politics of the Middle East.

Al Jazeera is interested in having O'Reilly as a consultant for the program, and to teach it's host how to act "smug and arrogant" and to "dismiss guests with thoughtful but opposing viewpoints".

Top Ten Cloves: Things President Bush Is Thankful For Every Day

10. Dick Cheney's heart attacks; Good cover if things get too hot

9. Rep. Jean Schmidt; Cheney and GOP can milk her smear a few more weeks

8. His good buddy, Bob Woodward, keeping quiet for two-years (but I suppose he'll want to do another book and interview me)

7. Only in Crawford for a few days, so didn't have to extert himself that much avoiding Cindy Sheehan

6. That Pamela Anderson website the Secret Service guys showed me

5. Al Gore, The Supreme Court and John Kerry

4. News media didn't get footage of him trying to use the doors in Brazil a few weeks ago

3. The British Official Secrets Act

2. The DVD Machine; What a great thing that let's me get caught up on the issues I'm supposed to be working on

1. Republican-controlled Congress, or my ass would have been impeached by now