Friday, March 24, 2006

Rumsfeld On Iran: "They’re just a big, paper tiger"

Bush Passing, Perhaps, Only Half-Buck To 2008 Winner

May Leave Iraq, But Says “I Want Iran – Big-time! ... They’re Mine!”

Following a ceremony at the White House this morning, celebrating Greek Independence Day, President Bush, speaking briefly to reporters, reiterated his comments as to leaving the war in Iraq to “future presidents” but added a caveat that has Washington buzzing.

“That’s true,” said the President, “The future president – that means, the person elected after me, you know – will have to settle the Iraqi conflict but I’m taking Iran. I want Iran – big-time and their all mine!”

The President’s staff quickly ushered him along, before reporters could ask a follow-up question.

This follows the statement made in a press conference earlier this week. When asked if there was a date, or timetable when there would be no more American Troops in Iraq, the President responded, “That, of course, is an objective. And that will be decided by future presidents and future governments of Iraq

Iran Invasion Coming?

The Iran reference sent an electric buzz through the nation’s capital, as many look to piece together recent actions and statements by the Administration, to see if an invasion of Iran is imminent.

Yesterday, in Baghdad, U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad accused Iran of supporting the Iraqi Governments protracted political process and giving aid and training to Shiite Muslim militias.

"Our judgment is that training and supplying, direct or indirect, takes place, and that there is also provision of financial resources to people, to militias, and that there is presence of people associated with Revolutionary Guard and with MOIS," said the Ambassador, according to the Washington Post.

Earlier this week, the Bush Administration, admitting to problems in Iraq, with a significant part of the population having difficulty in finding the Road To Democracy, leveled charges that there was evidence the Iranians are naming streets and avenues in Iraq.

And last week, President Bush released his update National Security Strategy, which calls for the continuation of the policy of his doctrine of preemptive war against terrorists and hostile states with chemical, biological or nuclear weapons.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan appeared to be caught off-guard by the President’s comments about Iran.

“Are you sure he said that?” quizzed McClellan. “He didn’t say that “people are saying I want to attack Iran”, or that “they say I want to go after Iran”, something like that?”

Rumsfeld: "Something Maureen Dowd Would Say"

Over at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he wasn’t aware of the President’s statements, but welcomed them.

“Ohhhh, it would be no big deal to take Iran. They’re just a big, paper tiger. It sounds more like something that that writer ... that Maureen Dowd gal would say. ... But don’t ask me, I’m just an eccentric old uncle who pops off and is ignored

“Just the same,” said Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf', “if I were Iran, I wouldn’t do anything in the upcoming days or weeks to provoke the President. His hourglass is running out of sand as to blaming the media for the mess he has in Iraq, he just might take the slightest jab as a reason to launch us into Iran.”

After all, he never did answer Helen Thomas’s question the other day, on why we went into Iraq.”

President Bush never did answer Helen Thomas's question on why we went into Iraq

Garlic Update of "Fixin' To Die Rag"

The Anti-Iran War Anthem?

In 1965, Country Joe McDonald wrote the “Fixin’ To Die Rag”as an anti-war anthem to the quagmire in Vietman.

In 2006, The Garlic updates it to the current and future quagmire the Bush Administration has placed us in.


And it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for –
Don't ask me I don't give a damn ... Next stop is Vietnam
And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die.


And it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for –
Don't ask me I don't give a damn ... Next stop is Tehran
And it's five, six, seven, open up the oil fields
Ain't no time for Congress to cry ... whoopee, it’s another Bush lie...

Top Ten Cloves: Slogans and Tag Lines For Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite – If Dick Cheney Was Pitchman

News Item - Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements

10. I'm absolutely convinced that the threat we face now is not having enough Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

9. Obviously, New Orleans has been through a great trauma ... They could use some Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

8. If nominated, I will not run, If elected, I will not serve, but if handed a Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, I will drink

7. And on at least one occasion, we have reporting that places him in Prague with Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

6. Before I cast any tie-breaking votes in the Senate, I have myself a Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

5. We will, in fact, be greeted with cans of Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

4. It is easy to take Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.

3. We now know that Saddam Hussein has resumed his efforts to acquire Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

2. Go fuck yourself, Senator Leahy ... But before you do that, have a refreshing Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

1. Either you’re for Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, or you’re against it

Thursday, March 23, 2006

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible

Catholic Church To Follow IRS Lead; Will Begin To Sell Confessions

Move Forecasted To Be Boon For On-Line Porn, Gambling, and Divorce Industries

In a stunning move, the Vatican announced late yesterday that it will soon begin selling the confessions of the Catholic Church’s followers, citing a need to update some obsolete cannons, and generate much needed revenue.

The new measure was discovered in a routine, yearly review of church laws, portrayed as housecleaning and was, initially, considered by the Vatican as "not a significant regulatory action."

The move to begin selling the sacrament of confession came in a section detailing the upgrade of the church’s technological infrastructure and some in the Vatican see this as a means to cover those costs.

“We’re looking at a substantial overhaul,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “at a time when the church’s fiscal abilities are already constrained.

No Tie To IRS Change, Who Defends Selling Tax Return Data

The Vatican denies that the selling of confessions was timed to news that, in the United States, the Internal Revenue Service was attempting to pave the way to allow tax preparers the right to sell tax returns, to databanks and marketers.

It was discovered that, buried in a bevy of new rules by the IRS, from a posting last December, was to allow the sale of data from citizens’ tax returns. And it appears the agency was attempting to pass the measure through unnoticed.

The measure allowing the sale was titled "IRS issues proposed regulations to safeguard taxpayer information."

Upon the discovery, consumer advocates and elected officials seized on it, and the potential breach of confidentiality and abuses by third parties.

In a letter to IRS Commissioner Mark Everson, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) wrote that "There is no more sensitive information than a taxpayer's return, and the IRS proposal to allow those returns to be sold to third-party marketers is deeply troubling."

Obama would not comment if he has plans to record the new law for his next ‘Spoken Word’ project, and if he will go after another Grammy Award with it.

IRS spokesman William M. Cressman defended the action.

"The heart of this proposed regulation is about the right of taxpayers to control their tax return information. The idea is to emphasize taxpayer consent and set clear boundaries on how tax return preparers can use or disclose tax return information."

Catholic League Wants Disclaimer; Swift Boat Vets To List Kerry Sins

Catholics have become outraged with the proposed sale of confessions.

William A. Donohue, president of the conservative Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, denounced the move, but with some reservations.

“The timing on this couldn’t be worse,” huffed Donohue. “They want us to go out and defend the church against the slanderous and outrageously false “The Da Vinci Code” movie, and now this. I will ask the Vatican, at a minimum, to put a disclaimer on the confessional booths.”

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), a devout Catholic said he doesn’t see an issue with selling confessions.

“If you have good family values, you’re not gay or support gay causes, then there isn’t anything to worry about. If we wanted, we can get all the confessions we want via the Patriot Act, or through the Extraordinary Rendition program.”

Former Presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-MA) said he found the announcement from the Vatican “troubling.”

“I’ll have to study this more,” said Kerry. “I may be against it now, but vote for it later, or vice versa.”

The Swift Boat Veterans welcomed the move by the Vatican and announced plans to release to their local church, “an extremely long list of sins” committed by Kerry

Deathbed Confessions Expected To Be “Very Lucrative”

The Vatican document on the selling of confessions lists revenue projections, and the church sees the move as being a financial windfall.

Expected to be big earners for the church are the on-line enterprises of pornography and gambling, followed by the divorce industry.

Mortal sins are anticipated to bring in tenfold the revenue, versus venial sins.

“We believe,” said the Vatican spokesperson, “that the developed countries, like America, the Europeans, some sections of Asia and the Far East, will be the overwhelming main market for this. The underdeveloped nations, places were we have missionaries, we see as a bigger challenge, but, in the long-term, a substantially large market for us.”

The reports also sees “deathbed confessions” as being very lucrative.

The revenue generated will go towards the church’s planned technology upgrade, such as new computers, cell phones, PDA’s and other devices, mostly for daily business.

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible

With the selling of confessions, the report does address the need to update the confessional booth, and have the ability to document the confessions for the purpose of selling them

Early drafts show a more modern booth, with a small touch screen and keypad.

Sinners will enter the booth and key in their password. On the touch screen, there will be a multiple choice offering - they can then decide if they will allow their all of confession to be sold, only a portion of them, none at all, or they can store their confessions for up to 90-days and then allow the sale, or delete the entries.

There is some heated discussion in the Vatican over the plan.

Some bishops are arguing, that it the church gets in the business of selling confession, the sinner should receive something, if not a revenue-share plan, then it should be a lighter penance.

Others are behind the position say that the sinners should be charged in this new system, for their penance, with prices attached to the “Hail Mary”, ‘Our Father” prayers, and the Rosary.

When asked about the confession, where the sinner fesses up to cheating on their tax returns, the Vatican spokesperson smiled, and simply said;

“That’s our jackpot.”

Garlic Exclusive!

At a recent Conference of Bishops at the Vatican, the new touchscreen technology was tested out, that would be used in the new, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths

News In Brief – One Propaganda Investigation Closed, A New One Opens

New Bush Brouhaha – Did Lincoln Group Clear Themselves Of Wrongdoing?

Inquiry Allegedly Finds No Violations; Defense Dept. Now Investigating Who Sent Out Press Release

The Department of Defense said today that an investigation has been opened on one of their vendors, the Lincoln Group, to find out if they sent out a press release, announcing that they had been cleared in a an earlier investigation, as to violating military rules or policies around their work in Iraq.

The Lincoln Group, it was discovered last Fall, was given a contract by the Pentagon to write and plant pro-American and pro-Military stories in the Iraqi media, at times, paying Iraqi reporters and news organizations to run the stories, as their own editorial content, and without the declaration that they were paid pieces.

The earlier investigation was ordered by General George W. Casey Jr., the senior American commander in Iraq.

The finds were that the Lincoln Group broke no rules in paying to have the articles placed, without attribution, since there military rules, or stipulations in their contract with the Pentagon, forbidding it.

Critics have charged that the U.S. Military is conducting a propaganda campaign.

It would up to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and the Department of Defense to draw up and institute such rules moving forward.

“Heavens,” said Rumsfeld, when questioned by reporters outside his office. “Don’t you think we have enough rules and regulations? Goodness Gracious, we’re trying to lighten up the military, and fight the terrorists. We don’t really have the time to sit down and look at who wrote this, and who wrote that.”

The Lincoln Group would have no comment, on the ruling, their contract with the Pentagon, or the pending new investigation.

Sources tell The Garlic that, if Lincoln Group did issue the press release that announced they were cleared, it could be a signal that American media outlets were being paid to run Pentagon content.

“This could mean,” said Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist, “that the recent upturn by the President and others, about bashing the media over the Iraq coverage is just a smokescreen.”

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Condoleezza Rice Becoming NFL Commissioner

10. She’ll finally have a job where she won’t be surprised by the outcome of most games

9. Games tied at the end of regulation, teams will have to go to United Nations Security Council to have winner determined

8. Likely, she’ll have league renew sponsorship with Erectile Dysfunction Drug Levitra

7. Can probably extend the Bush policy of complaining about media not telling the good stories happening in NFL

6. Because of ties to the Lincoln Group, can get NFL stories planted in Iraqi media

5. Gives Halliburton No-Bid Contract to provide all half-time shows

4. Instead of fines and suspensions for breaking rules, Commissioner Rice will have CIA put offenders in Extraordinary Rendition program

3. As a favor to Bush Administration, will open up NFL fields and stadiums to drilling for oil

2. Will order Terrell Owns to do steamy locker room opening to ABC's Monday Night Football promo with her, in the towel

1. Launches invasion and occupation of Canadian Football League; Says sports world will be safer without them

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Possible Evidence of Iranian-Named Streets

Reports Show Iraqis Confused; Can’t Find “Road To Democracy”

Google Maps Comes Up Empty; Scores of Thousands Say Adds “Hours” On To Their Travels

As President Bush continues along with his Bushapalooza Tour, attempting to lift continuing plummeting approval numbers, and leading the chorus of voices from the Administration that Iraq is not engaged in a Civil War, a new problem has surfaced.

Reports coming out of Iraq, with the country following nearly every word coming out of Washington, Iraqis are complaining that they can’t find the “Road To Democracy” that is constantly referred to by President Bush.

“We look and look,” said one Iraqi citizen. “Many areas have been torn apart by bombs and fighting, so, maybe the street signs haven’t been put back up yet.”

“It sound like a wonderful place,” said an Iraqi woman, traveling by bicycle. “I have many map books, but I can not find this road and I get very tired just riding around to nowhere.”

McClellan Charges Media Reporting On Streets, “The one’s with fighting and IED’s”

White House Spokesman Scott McClellan admitted that the Administration is aware of the issue, and took another shot at the media.

“You have to understand,” said McClellan, “You have over 11-million people who are used to getting their news from one, government controlled source. From a dictator and torturer, who had weapons of mass destruction and ties to Al-Qaeda. And now they have all kinds of media available to them – when there is electricity – at their fingertips.”

There’s, basically, two realities– the old Iraq, and the new, American-run Iraq,” added McClellan.

“Of course,” McClellan went on, “the media is going to concentrate on the streets the Iraqis can’t find, the ones with fighting and IED’s, instead of reporting on the wonderful, heartwarming streets the Iraqis have access to, and can walk down. The President remains very optimistic that the Iraqis will have the freedom to walk down all the streets”

Rumsfeld: “Goodness, it’s there, large as life”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld weighed in on the troubles that have been reported about finding the Road to Democracy.

“Goodness, it’s there, large as life, as big on the noses on their faces,” said the Secretary. “For the life of me, I don’t understand how they can be missing it. It’s almost inconceivable that such a situation exists.”

Pentagon spokesperson Navy Lieutenant Commander J.D. Gordon conceded that both the Defense and State Departments have been “besieged” recently, over where the Road to Democracy is. Gordon stated that even members of the new Iraq Government have been calling, saying that even using Google Maps, the location cannot be found.

“Apparently, Google Maps, and even Thomas Guides, don’t list the location,” Gordon said.

New Lincoln Group Contract For “Democracy Court” and “Freedom Avenue

Gordon would not confirm or deny the reports that the Lincoln Group, the PR firm contracted by the Defense Department to plant pro-American stories in the Iraqi media, are working on a new map layout of Baghdad, and other large Iraqi cities.

“Lincoln Group is in there,” offered Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century.

“They’re redoing all the maps in the city, giving new names to places, like “Democracy Court”, and “Freedom Avenue”. They are completely ignoring Iraqi input and it’s a mess. They’ve had to go back and start planting stories about themselves in the media there, on how good the new street names are.”

Possible Evidence of Iranian-Named Streets

Martins said that there is concern from the commanders in Iraq, as well as back in Washington, that terrorists, and other outsiders, are bringing in their own street names.

“That dog-and-pony show they did last week, Operation Swarmer, or whatever it was.” said Martins, “Well the scuttlebutt is that they found a cache of street signs – written in an Iranian dialect – and that has them scrambling back in Washington.

Martins says that President Bush is giving this his full attention.

“He’s talking about bringing Iran before the U.N.,” said Martins. “They have no authorization to be naming streets in Iraq.”

McClellan said that the President “is aware of the situation.”

“The President remains committed and is not going to abandon his commitment, “ said McClellan. “We have to establish for the Iraqis, this Road to Democracy and continue the battle. It’s better for the terrorists to be naming streets over there, then naming them here.”

One Penatagon plan calls for the U.S. Military to install banks of television screens, displaying maps of the city streets, to assist the Iraqis in finding the Road to Democracy

Top Ten Cloves: Issues Behind France Making Apple Open Up iTunes

10. Got tired of reading about the Danish Cartoon controversy

9. It was one of the demands by the Muslim youth, when the rioted last Fall

8. Getting millions and millions of francs from Microsoft to pass law, so they can build up MSN Music across the EU

7. Initially thought they had George Clooney’sendorsement of new law, but after the Huffington Post thing...

6. Just don’t like Steve Jobs’ turtlenecks – Believe he’s trying to be “too chic”

5. They gave exclusive rights to EuroDisney, and everybody knows how that turned out

4. Hopes it will help acceptance of new French Labor Law; Can give cheaper music players as severance to fired youths

3. It was either this, or passing new resolution supporting Tom Cruise killing off the South Park episode, “Trapped In The Closet”

2. Part of new campaign against American companies, as payback for the Freedom Fries thing

1. Attempt to strong-arm Apple, to create special, Jerry Lewis section in the iTunes Store

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

New Salvo In War With Media

President Ups Media-War Ante; Bush, White House To Meet With Tom Cruise

Will Seek Actor/Scientologists’ Power In Getting More Iraqi War “Feel Good” Stories On-Air

Firing another salvo in his efforts to sell the War in Iraq, President Bush, after his freewheeling press conference this morning – only his second this year – clearly blamed the media for most of the problems he and the administration are facing in Iraq.

The President, as he left the podium, eyed Hearst White House Columnist Helen Thomas, the veteran, dean of White House reporters, who pushed the President – after being frozen out and ignored for over three-years – during the press conference, asking him why he invade Iraq, and was reported to have said;

“You wouldn’t know a good Iraqi story if it had arms and slapped you.”

This has been a growing battle, as the more criticism leveled at the President, and his administration, over the seemingly lack of progress in Iraq, and the War on Terror, the more the administration has fired back, faulting the media for ignoring their message, and the “tremendous progress” being made in Iraq.

Cruise Control For The Press?

The President left the press room before Thomas could respond and quickly, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan took to the podium and dropped a bombshell.

Saying that they hoped to leverage “the good news coming out of Iraq daily”, McClellan said that later this week, actor Tom Cruise will be coming to the White House, to meet with President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield, who will seek through Cruise, getting more of the pro-Iraqi stories on television.

“I think we all saw this week, the power and influence Mr. Cruise has, reportedly, in keeping bad stories off television,” said McClellan, “we’d like to see if he wants to join the War on Terror and help us in the March For Democracy in Iraq, with getting the good stories, showing the incredible progress, coming out of Iraq.”

He played a war hero in one film, now he has a chance to play one in real life,” added McClellan.

Neither Cruise, or his publicist had any comment on the upcoming White House meeting.

Cruise is at the epicenter of a wildfire story, that he used his position in influence to prevent a rerun of the popular Comedy Central program, “South Park” from airing this week.

The “South Park” program was set to rebroadcast “Trapped In The Closet”, first aired last November, an episode that satirizes Scientology, and the long persistent rumors of Cruise’s lifestyle.

The news of the rebroadcast prompted singer Isaac Hayes, voice of the “Chef” character in “South Park”, and also a Scientologist, like Cruise, to abruptly resign from the show.

Cruise, reportedly, used his star power with Paramount studios, producers of the soon-to-be released “Mission Impossible III”, staring Cruise, to pressure parent company, of both the studio, and Comedy Central network, Viacom, to have the episode’s rebroadcast shelved.

Creators of “South Park”, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, fired back at Cruise, saying “So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!"

McClellan read, in part a statement from President Bush, saying that;

“I like that top gunner Cruise guy. He’s not a quitter, he’s not going to cut-and-run. He sees a problem, like we had with Saddam Hussein, and he goes straight after it – just like we did.”

President Passing Iraq Off To Next White House?

While the administration may be solving one problem, McClellan was forced to do clean-up from another matter coming out of the press conference this morning.

When asked the question “Will there come a day -- and I'm not asking you when; I'm not asking for a timetable -- will there come a day when there will be no more American forces in Iraq?”, the President appeared to be passing the buck to the next administration that will follow him in 2008.

That, of course, is an objective. And that will be decided by future presidents and future governments of Iraq.”

“The President wasn’t passing the buck,” said a defensive McClellan. “The President is confident that victory in Iraq will come long before 2008. It may be left for the next administration, and the new Iraq government, when they do come up with one, that there could be remnants of the sectarian violence we’re seeing today. The next President may call it a Civil War, and decide to pull all troops out of Iraq, or, he may, as we see it, as terrorist-infused sectarian violence – not a Civil War - and come up with his own strategy to deal with it.”

President Bush is planning on the assistance of Tom Cruise, to wield his influence and get more positive stories from Iraq on television

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Bush, Cheney, RNC Keep Tying Saddam Hussein To al-Qaeda and 9-11

10. Just F’n kiddin’ around with Keith Olbermann

9. Cheney feels that those who don’t believe it, that “my view would be they've reached a stage of desperation from their standpoint."

8. It’s the media’s fault, they’re not reporting on any of our other lies and mistakes that have been positive and made good progress

7. Playing the odds, in case Iraqi courts finds him innocent, will extradite him here to stand trial

6. Don’t know ... People wonder what we see on our television screens that they don’t ... Just optimism, I guess

5. Keeps Dick Cheney’s mind off of hunting

4. It plays really, really good in RNC focus groups

3. Until recently, was using the 2002 Doctrine of Preemptive War and haven’t got used to the new updated one yet

2. Trying to flush out Osama bin Laden: Has intelligence it really pisses him off

1. Like Scooter Libby, too busy– Haven’t read the 9-11 Report yet

Monday, March 20, 2006

Cheney Blames Media

Iraqis To Launch Massive Protest Against Bush and Cheney, Over Civil War

Want Credit For Battles; Some See As Early Positioning For Future Funding When Government Collapses

As both President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney marked the third anniversary of the conflict in Iraq by making optimistic statements, saying emphatically, that it is terrorists causing the violence, not a civil war, and that progress is being made, the factions conducting the civil war announced plans to launch a massive protest against the pair, demanding that their struggle be recognized as a civil war.

Plans call for all warring factions to put down their arms and march through Baghdad, to the U.S. Military Central Command Center, where a rally will be held to urge other Iraqis to begin referring to the civil war in their daily conversations and in any media interviews they conduct.

Stopping short of calling on the President and Vice President to come to Iraq, leaders of the protest will seek for the Central Command Center to provide a direct video conference with the White House, so the demand for civil war recognition can be made directly.

When The Music Stops, Pick A Message

In his radio address last Saturday, the President made no mention of a civil war in Iraq, but rather that he promised to "finish the mission" and that “America will not abandon Iraq to the terrorists who want to attack us again."

The White House confirmed that President Bush plans on using the same message, as he continues his Bushapalooza Tour and has no plans to make “any reference to a civil war going on in Iraq.”

“It’s not in his vocabulary this month,” said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. “That’s not making any reference to the President’s intellect, just that he won’t be using the words at all.”

Less then 24-hours later, on Sunday, former Iraqi interim prime minister, Ayad Allawi, stated that Iraq was in the middle of a civil war, and that the country was moving toward “the point of no return.” Allawi cautioned both the United States and Europe that Iraq was “falling apart” and that “sectarianism will spread throughout the region, and even Europe and the United States would not be spared all the violence.”

Speaking to the British Broadcasting Corporation, Allawi said that "If this is not civil war, then God knows what civil war is," and added that “We are losing each day as an average 50 to 60 people throughout the country, if not more."

Still, later on Sunday, appearing on the CBS News program, "Face the Nation", Vice President Dick Cheney denied a civil war was going on in Iraq and blamed the media for any confusion, for not reporting all “the progress being made toward democracy.”

Cheney said that the violence as “a desperate tactic by terrorists in the country to stop the move to democracy.”

Both the President and Vice President are temporarily suspended from making any new strategies for dealing with the War in Iraq, after it came out last week, in an Inspector General’s report, that the National Strategy Office has wiped out of inventory.

Civil War Protesters May Be Positioning Side For Future Funding

Sources close to the Pentagon say that the Iraqi Civil War protesters may be seeking to position themselves, in the future, to receive some of the massive amounts of money that is being poured into Iraq, which is estimated to be upwards of $200 million, per day and may reach as high as $2-Trillion.

“This isn’t some banana republic the Bush team invaded” said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em'. “Throw up a few pre-fab buildings, bring in a USO Show and they’ll eat it up like happy soup. This is one of the oldest civilizations on Earth and they now how to do business.”

A spokesperson for the Civil War Protesters, while not saying that receiving the U.S funds is the end-game, they did give a broad hint that that it may be in the not-so-distant future.

“Your Bush, he wants to make big deal about we have elections,” said the spokesperson. “He paint finger purple and say how all Iraqis come to vote ... but for what – we still have no government. Why should they get all the monies?”

Tom Cruise May Be Part Of Protest

Along with getting the recognition for their Civil War, and, potentially, funding for it, there is a growing rumor that the protesters may include an additional demand from the U.S. Government.

With the increase in television and radio stations since the U.S. invasion and fall of the Sadam Hussein regime, playing domestic, American and British comedy programs, many involved in the Civil War protest have become huge fans of the Comedy Central program, “South Park”.

Sources in Baghdad say that the Civil War protesters may demand that the U.S. Government force Comedy Central, and it’s parent corporation, Viacom, to replay the infamous “Trapped in the Closet” episode , that spoofs Tom Cruise and Scientology.

After the abrupt resignation of Isaac Hayes, who was the voice of the character of Chef, last week, protesting the mocking of Scientology by the program, rumors have surfaced that Cruise was behind the cancellation of a rebroadcast of the famous episode.

Cruise is said to have told Paramount Studios that he would not promote his upcoming film, "Mission: Impossible III," which opens May 5, unless the “Trapped in the Closet” episode was cancelled. Viacom, which also owns Paramount, allegedly ordered Comedy Central not to run the program

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At HP Shareholders Meeting Last Week

10. This guy Hurd, isn’t he in cash registers?

9. How come we’re not getting any of these No-Bid contracts like Halliburton

8. You get a load of the cost of the parking they want to charge us?

7. This Microsoft Origami – Isn’t it just the old Apple Newton?

6. $21 million in severance ? I’ll baby-sit the company for six-years, for that kind of scratch

5. I wish I bought Google when I had the chance

4. I can’t wait to put in my motion, to get everyone to start using “HP” as a verb ... That’ll drive up our value

3. We gonna have a hand-cranked printer to go along with that computer thingy Gates was complaining about?

2. Maybe with Carly gone, we can get Apple back and sell the iPods again ... My granddaughter is bugging me for one

1. Yeah, I got the email ... If they don’t show that “Trapped In The Closet ” show again, I’ll dump my Viacom stock

New Feature - The Garlic Poll

The Garlic Is Offering A New Feature - The Garlic Poll!

Influence the news ... Change public opinion ... Place your vote in the new The Garlic Poll.

Each week, The Garlic will offer the question other news organizations are afraid to ask ... We'll check the pulse on what matters, who's doing what and just what the hell is going on.

This week's question;

President Bush Will Say There's a Civil War In Iraq When ...

Jump over to the right-hand column to cast your vote.

If you have a question you want considered for voting, use the "Email Me" link in View My Complete Profile to send it to us

Many Thanks

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 19 March 2006

(Editors Note: We apologize for the late posting of the Weekend Special. Technical difficulties prevented access for most of the day)

A new ban on organ grinders in India has left street corners quiet and thousands without work.

A compromise was worked out to allow the use of drums, however, the monkeys just stood by motionless, not knowing what to do

Days after announcing a new $15 charge for aisle seating, Northwest Airlines said they would begin charging $250/ per bag, to fliers who travel with luggage. For business travelers, there is only a $100 cost for briefcases.

Despite strong customer protest, Northwest is standing by the $25/per customer charge to open the door at the completion of the flight

After criticizing the $100, "One Laptop per Child Project”, for developing countries, some which come with a hand-crank for one source of power, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates reversed himself and indicated the company would begin manufacturing their own version of the computer, with their Microsoft’s Internet Browser - and their new Windows hand-crank - as proprietary, pre-installed features.

When asked about the possibility of lawsuits, Gates was dismissive, saying that “We’re not worried ... It will probably take them about four-years of hand-cranking to get just the first page of the complaint printed.”

"Hey, don't worry about it fellas ... You just stay cowering... Keep your heads in the sand ..."

Katherine Harris announced last week that she will stay in the Florida race for the U.S. Senate, after rampant speculation she was dropping out.

Harris indicated that she "momentarily forgot, we know how to count votes down here" and stated that she can "pretty much, declare victory at this point"

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that, so as not to be caught off-guard again, and surprised, she has had a cell phone surgically attached to her left ear, so she can "be kept in the loop, up-to-the-minute, in real time"