Wednesday 16 February 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Google Launches Search for Famed Woman Aviator

Citing the development of a new, super algorithm, Google announced today that they are leading a search for Amelia Earhart, the pioneering woman aviator, lost since her 1937 attempt to cross the world.

Backed by being the overwhelming dominant search engine in the marketplace, and with billions in reserve as a result of their successful IPO in 2004, Google has recruited an unprecedinted amount of new talent that has worked for months on developing this new, high-powered, super algorithm.

"This really opens up some new territory" stated CEO Eric E. Schmidt, in a statement released by the company.

Yahoo, Ask Jeeves and A9 refused comment.

Microsoft's search engine, MSN, issued a terse statement, stating that "… with the forthcoming release of Longhorn, searches like this will be routine …"

Finding Earhard is a formidable task. Over $4-million was spent in the search for the record-breaking woman aviator, last heard from on June 29, 1937 after leaving New Guinea, with navigator Fred Noonan, on the quest to be the first woman to cross the globe in an airplane. The search centered in the area of Howland Island in the mid-Pacific, based on the last, weak, static-filled radio transmissions.

Schmidt went on to say that Google is confident they will turn in positive results and that other major search projects are being considered, including searching for former Teamster leader, Jimmy Hoffa and infamous skyjacker, D.B. Cooper.



NBA, Reebok To Launch New Reality Show: Box & Shoot

In announcing a new, $7-Million marketing campaign to bolster it's image, the National Basketball Association and Reebok International, the NBA's new offficial supplier of uniforms and footwear, are teaming up to produce a new, reality television program.

With the 2005 All Star game taking place next weekend, the NBA has been saddled with PR problems in the wake of the Koke Bryant trial, the failure of its' stars to win Olympic Gold, the rantings of Latrell Sprewell turning down a contract worth millions, citing "... I've got my family to feed …" and the incident involving Ron Artest and the Indiana Pacers going into the stands to fight with fans last year.

Ironically, it is that fighting incident that is the genus of this new, Reality TV venture - Box & Shoot.

The entire series will be filmed at NBA arenas, during half-time, where selected players will have to score 10-points in two-minutes, plus fight with a fan. And not just any fan.

Seated in a designated area will be 'celebrity fans', who will taunt and throw things at the players, and a panel of three judges to score the fighting element of the program. The player with the highest combination of points, from both scoring and fighting, advances in the program.

The NBA and Reebok haven't announced which players will participate in the program, but the celebrities, in Reebok attire and footwear, include;

Spike Lee, Evander Holyfield, Paris Hilton, Michael Caine, Travis Smiley, Angie Dickenson, Reebok's Terrible Tate, Bono, Larry Flynt, Larry King, Senator Bill Frist, Carrot Top, cast members from the O.C. and more celebrities to-be-announced.

Local media personalities will make up the panel of judges and extra security will be in place to keep regular fans from entering into the action.



Straight Eye for the Queer Guy To Roll Out This Spring

Riding the wave of success, producers David Collins, Michael Williams and David Metzler announced yet another show to debut in their string of their popular 'Queer Eye' series - but with a twist.

Get ready for Straight Eye for the Queer Guy.

Hosted by the trio of Jesse Ventura, Erik Estrada and Sam Donaldson, a gay man in New York, San Francisco and Houston will be educated in the ways of straighness. Activities will range from bowling, to tailgating and football games, to golf fashion and visits to the plumbing store.

To tie in with another series on Bravo, there'll be a special Straight Eye for the Queer Guy Poker Challenge, but don't expect any Felix Unger to show up.

"We're going Oscar Madison the whole way with this", offered Metzler.

Assisting the macho trio will be a bevy of steaming testosterone, with cameo appearances from Bob Villa, Bill Parcells, Vin Diesel, Brian Bosworth, Brad Pitt, Tom Jones, a special appearance from NBC Nightly News Anchor, Brian Williams and more personalities to-be-announced.

"We're still debating if we should let the Fab Five in on this" offered Collins. "I mean, those poor boys, they're going to need some help".



Stockholm Opera Conductor Dies at 86

The former Stockholm Opera conducter, Sixten Ehrling, famous for his conducting Stravinsky's 'Rite of Spring' in the 1950's, as well as his short temper with audiences, passed away at the age of 86.

His successful career, which included conducting the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, spanned over 722 concerts and 24 world premieres.

Sixten is survived by his wife, Onefour and two daugters, Threeseven and Fivenine.