Friday, May 26, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During President Bush – Tony Blair Meeting Yesterday

News Item: Blair and Bush Are Duo Even in Descent

10. Good to see Karl in his office – How much longer does he have left before he’s arrested?

9. You know Tony, if we add our approval ratings together, we might move up to just the “Poor” level

8. If there’s time, I’d like to take a quick trip to Michigan and see where they’re digging for that Hoffa bloke

7. Mind if I look at those Congressman’s documents before you seal them up?

6. You’re not going to hold me to, since you invaded Iraq, we Brits have to invade Iran, are you?

5. Sure you can do it! You just gotta stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “I’m the Decider ”, over and over

4. I’ll tell ya George, you really have a big pair, if you know what I mean ... If I ever raided an MP’s office, why they’d thrash me with a broken beer bottle – If I was lucky!

3. I appreciate the offer Tony, and I’m sure they’d do a good job, but I can’t have your soccer hooligans patrolling our borders

2. So, you going to do something about those Enron chaps? Weren’t they big contributors to your campaign?

1. Whatever we say in the Press Conference this evening, we don’t admit any mistakes ... None ... We stay the course ...

President Bush is said to have advised British Prime Minister Tony Blair to practice saying, over-and-over, "I'm The Decider"

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Dick Cheney Will Get Out Of Testifying In Scooter Libby Trial

News Item: Libby Told Grand Jury Cheney Spoke of Plame; Vice President May Be Called as Witness

10. Much like the President with Jack Abramoff... Scooter who?

9. Medical Reasons: Claim infected with the Bird Flu

8. Say he’s too busy and send Katherine Armstrong to testify for him

7. Go hunting and accidentally shoot himself

6. Take Libby hunting and accidentally shoot him

5. Use his influence: Get President Bush to issue Signing Statement, contracting Justice Department to Halliburton

4. Get Attorney General Gonzales to declare Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald an “Enemy Combatant

3. Have Patrick Kennedy drive him to the courthouse

2. Fox News gives him Press Credentials and embeds him with the troops in Iraq

1. Just gets President Bush to issue the damn pardon early, so everyone can go home

Vice President Dick Cheney may claim to have Bird Flu, in order to avoid testifying in the Scooter Libby Trial

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: How Freezer and Refrigerator Manufacturers Are Exploiting Congressman Jefferson’s Scandal Situation

News Item: FBI Says Jefferson Was Filmed Taking Cash

10. Working out deal with Reynolds Wrap to get bulk discount on aluminum foil

9. New, improved egg holder, large enough to hold Fabergé Eggs

8. Planning a Special Duke Cunningham Walk-In Model that can accommodate cars, boats, Oriental rugs, mirrored armoires and candelabras

7. New Designer Color – Dollar Bill Green!

6. For access to some quick cash, Lettuce Bin expanded to hold up to $15,000

5. Optional “No Defrost - Self-Cleaning” models to come with private bank account in Cayman Islands

4. Attempting to get Jefferson, and other Congressman to keep freezer in office, so, in next FBI raid, can get video of it being carried out

3. Built-in water and ice dispensers now retooled to deliver change for $100

2. Product Placement Bonanza: Setting up meeting between Jefferson and Hollywood, so he can take over “Mr. Freeze” role in any new “ Batman” movies

1. New GE Tagline – “We Hide The Good Things In Life”

Said to be in development are cash-hiding freezers - available only to members of Congress - that come with the security of being guarded by polar bears

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: What President Bush Is Doing About The Stolen Veterans Electronic Data

News Item: Personal Data on Veterans Is Stolen; Burglary Leaves Millions at Risk Of Identity Theft

10. Had Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez double-check that Claude Allen wasn’t involved

9. Hired a dozen new interns, to start digging through eBay

8. Opportunity to push new fear button – Make claims data not stolen, but eaten by Bird Flu Virus

7. Bringing in Ahmed Chalabi – He did so good with the WMD’s, he must surely know where the data is

6. Making Plans: If found that an undocumented, illegal immigrant is thief, ship him back home and find a patsy to blame for crime

5. Ordered NSA to wiretap 26.5-million veterans, to see if they can get any leads

4. Immediately had the White House Iraq Group start spinning a tie between the theft and the War on Terror

3. Called Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and asked him to speed up Karl Rove’s indictment, so they can bury this in the news

2. Until this matter is cleared, recommending cutting off all Veteran benefits

1. Start the invasion, Iran’s gone too far this time!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 21 May 2006

In an effort to get out his message on global warming, reports say that former former Vice President Al Gore, and his wife Tipper, have signed on to appear in the HBO series "Big Love"

Gore will have six wives, with Tipper being Wife #1 and all will be environment activists

Reports also say that the Dixie Chicks will join the cast of Big Love, playing a gay polygamist family, to promote the cause of Same Sex Marriage

Citing the need to "secure my financial future" Prince Charles confirmed rumors that he will host a new British game show "Crown or No Crown"

Former Enron Chief Ken Lay said that, if convicted, he plans on bringing is Automated Signature machine to prison so "I can earn some cigarette money, at least"

DreamWorks SKG announced a deal with the Federal Government that will have it's character "Puss In Boots" in bilingual commercials, to be broadcast on Mexican television, warning citizens of the new security measures being taken at the border

eBay CEO Meg Whitman
is expected to tell stockholders that she sees "a huge increase" in profits for 2007, with the auctioning of "Temporary Guest Worker Passes"

And Apple's Steve Jobs is said to be in talks with the White House, to digitize the Temporary Guest Worker Passes, called "iJobs" in the beta program demonstrated to Bush Administration officials, and have them downloaded via Apple's iTunes Store.

Undocumented immigrants will need to purchase a special iPod that is sandproof, waterproof, has a special light for night reading and will operate in great heat, such as trunks of cars or back of trailer trucks

Results For The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 14 - May 20 2006

Another barnburner last week, with The Garlic Poll, as we asked:

The Real Reason The NSA Has Been Secretly Collecting The Phone Call Records In The Country Is ...

The Results:

1. President Bush wants a definitive list of who’s with him and who’s against him 36%

2. Vice President Dick Cheney wants to call every citizen, and personally spook them about mushroom clouds a’comin’ 29%

3. Their Social Network Analysis of MySpace.Com was only netting them that they were “creepy” or “way too old” 21%

4. With the super huge computer they have, they have a super huge speed dial to fill 14%

This week’s Poll - President Bush’s Numbers Are So Low That ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote