Thursday, July 08, 2010

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Surprises With LeBron James Announcement Tonight

News Item: LeBron James, ESPN to Air "The Decision": Obnoxious Summer of Me Reaches Climax

10. Shocking confession - It was he who had affair with Al Gore

9. Retiring ... Plans on running for President in 2012, on Tea Party platform - Will name Palin running-mate

8. Retro Ball-Busting - Just as James gets ready to say where he's going, ESPN cuts off to "Heidi"

7. Shocker! ...Deal worked out between USA and Russia, James traded for all the spys, leads Ruskies to Olympic Gold in 2012, rename country after him, all advertising carries his image, and then retired and put out to stud thousands of Little LeBrons

6. James taking year off ... Will apply all his basketball prowess to cleaning up oil in Gulf

5. Along with saying what team he'll play for, announces he's coming out, plants big smacker on Jim Grey

4. Staying with Cavaliers, moving, not just team, but the entire city to new state, renaming it "LeBronJamesville"

3. Announces not going anywhere until Lindsey Lohan is free

2. Says going to Knicks, contingent upon Dancing Harry coming out of retirement

1. Announces he's a new NBA franchise - Will play against league next season, all by himself

This Date ... On The Garlic

8 July 2009... On The Garlic

Instant Racist Ignorant Dolts - The Valley Swim Club

8 July 2008... On The Garlic

It's Now The Denver Four!

If He Lived In Australia ...

8 July 2007... On The Garlic

Retro Garlic: Sorry Rita, We Tried ... 7 New Wonders of the World Chosen

8 July 2006... On The Garlic

More Letters On The Garlic’s Baseball Piece

8 July 2005... On The Garlic

A Call For Peace

Tuesday, July 06, 2010


Okay ... It can stop now ... Just turn it off ... Had enough, thank you ... Thanks for comin' ... See ya ... Just turn it off ... Had enough... Thanks, but really, we've had enough ... No, no, no ... You don't have to keep it going ... Really, just turn it off ... It's okay ... Really ... It's okay ... Don't need anymore ... All set, thanks ...

Cal Tjader and Carmen McRae Heatwave

This Date ... On The Garlic

6 July 2009... On The Garlic

He Should Have Stuck To Making Cars

Now It's The Honeybees!

6 July 2008... On The Garlic

Oil That Is, Black Gold, Tehran Tea ...

Rice Audtioning For New Role of Aricept Spokesperson

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Google Can Provide Better Day Care

6 July 2007... On The Garlic

Let's Hear It For The Quid Pro Quo ... New Garlic Song - Hush Little Libby

Of Blackboards, Chalk and Legacies ... The Constitutional Crises Continues

6 July 2005... On The Garlic

Cheney Emerging As Next Justice Pick By Bush Feared; VP On Vetting Panel; Nearly Same Situation But Now Has Residency Established

Rove Said To Be "Under Pressure" Over Leak Accusation; Key Bush Strategist Shows "Erratic Behavior" As Critics, Press Call For Admission

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Jacques Chirac Thinks of England and Finland

Monday, July 05, 2010

Come Back, Shane! ... Come Back!

Good Evening Garlic Fans ...

Once again, we come (and being the day after the 4th), it can be said, with a firework barge-full of apologies, for our extended absence.

When last we popped in, some three-weeks ago (not counting the First Day of Summer, and our prognostication on the recently fired cock-waving, muscleheaded military commander, General Stanley A. McChrystal), we had been diagnosed with a Herniated Disc (in the L4 region), and was soon off to a second Ortho Guy, for a shot in the back.

Well, we received said shot-in-the-back, and since, only marginal improvement.

Some of the pain has been mitigated, however, numbness of the foot goes on, and, the cramping has been virtually unabated, disrupting sleep to the point of not being able to call it sleep (We would gladly pay you Thursday, for some sleep today).

We've been carrying on with our homefront project, as best we can (and that is behind schedule, as well), and none of this has had us in a creative mood to write, missing, for the first time since we started writing The Garlic, our annual tirade of a July 4th Garlictorial.

Most fortunately, and unknowingly, someone picked up the slack on that front for us.

Our good friend Barry Crimmins, who has an awesome post up for the Annual Pap Holiday, "Fourth of July Remarks For Any Occasion (in the form of notes for the platform speaker)";

Continued remarks about how we wouldn't be able to play golf or even go to a mall this morning without our supported dupes' absolutely needless sacrifice in inordinately far-flung places. Places where the locals have learned that, to Americans, appreciation for democracy can only come at the cost of the arms, legs, eyesight, mental health and even the lives of countless innocents whose only prior crime was to have never thought of our nation in any terms, at all. But now they know us, thanks to the, at times, literal human sacrifice of our very children to a heartless yet absurdly self-righteous foreign policy that is enforced by retaliation against almost anyone who makes the mistake of passing through somewhere, where someone we really hate might also pass through at some point.

That's what makes us different from the terrorists.

And if Barry's post wasn't enough, a War of Words erupted in the Comments Section, and a few dwarfs, finks, phonies and frauds perhaps Wannabe Flying Monkeys, since their blather was little more that the tired-and-tattered, Right Wing Dale Carnegie toast of "if you don't love this country, you should leave it", attempted to lecture and humble Barry with that tripe.

I mean, that's like showing up to a Rave, in a John Travolta-Saturday-Night-Fever-white-bell-bottomed-suit, and thinking you're major cool.

I think Barry handled, dealt with, and settled, that particular Right Wing lament back when Nixon was in office, so he swatted that away like a home run hit at Home Run Derby (easy-as-pie, for our baseball-challenged readers - you can go read our Special Essay to bone-up on the Grand Ol' Pastime)

So inane were these voices from Nitwitville, that James Wolcott had to use his Vanity Fair column, to call out, specifically, Darlene Click's vapidness, which will likely, draw in all of Click's Wannabe Flying Monkeys, to read Wolcott, and then click over to read Barry post, for the context.

Hum Stars and Stripes Forever to yourself, as those Wannabe Flying Monkeys suddenly feel like they don't whether to piss, or wind their watches.

Back to business, with a Heatwave settling in this week (ask me in a few days how that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" thing is workin' for me), and the Back/Herniated Disc thing still playing havoc, and feeling like we have lost our writing mo-jo, we can't say when we will resume regular posting, other than the nebulous "soon".

So, go dig into Barry Crimmins' delicious holiday treat and keep checking back for any fresh post we sneak in.

This Date ... On The Garlic

5 July 2009... On The Garlic


5 July 2008... On The Garlic

So Nice ... The Very Last Moments of Jesse Helms

5 July 2006... On The Garlic

Garlic Exclusive! 1st Draft Of Coulter’s Plagiarism Response; Coulter Speaks (Sort Of)

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons For North Korea To Run Missile Tests

5 July 2005... On The Garlic

Conservatives Threaten Taco Bell Boycott, Justice Weekends; Economic Message To Bush If Gonzales Placed On High Court

Founder of Earth Day, Gaylord A. Nelson, Dead at 89; Mother Earth To Offer "Volcanic Salute To A Great Friend"

Live 8 Concerts Generate Over 26 Million Text Messages; Over 24-Million Exchanged About "The Blond In Front of The London Stage"

Top Ten Cloves: Most Surprising Things NASA Discovers With Deep Impact and Comet Tempel 1