Friday, September 22, 2006

Garlictorial: Cut ... Print ... That’s A Wrap...

Cut ... Print ... That’s A Wrap...

With Compromise Scene In The Can, Midterms On The Horizon, It’s On To The Next Fabricated Crisis

About the only thing missing from yesterdays’ “Breaking News” bulletins, and the anxious, breathless stand-ups from reporters in the hallways of the Capital Building was the big Liberty Bell swinging into the screen, and the title “Liberty Film” dissolving into the frame.

A Capraesque moment it wasn’t.

Since late summer, when the White House began its’ determined effort to change the conversation (i.e. headlines) from the fiasco in Iraq to the larger, more uncertain and ambiguous ‘Global War On Terror’, we’ve had a very fast-paced shooting schedule, complete with flashback scenes (Nazis) and other un-Capraesque dialogue from the President, right through his cabinet members, including Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Rice and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld (whose acting was on par with yet another movie, ‘The Three Amigos’)

Now we move up in the script, be it straight from Central Casting, whether culled and improvised from Karl Rove’s Playbook, or Tony’s Snow Job, Bush took the lead in this little comedy-drama, titled in the script simply as “Torturer”.

And, as anticipated by the White House, entering on cue were the Dumas’ heroes - Athos, Aramis and Porthos, later aided by the aspiring D'Artagnan in the persons of McCain, Warner, Graham and Powell, swashbuckling through the Senate, on the ready to save the day.

We should note here that there is no doubt to the sincerity of our heroes and their actions, it’s just that they are on a completely different script.

In fact, this movie has played before, most recently, at the very end of 2005.

Close-Up: Calendar - December 30th, 2005

Cut to: Statement on Signing the Department of Defense, Emergency Supplemental Appropriations to Address Hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico, and Pandemic Influenza Act, 2006.

It was on this day that President Bush issued one of his now, infamous, Signing Statements, to a bill authored by Senator John McCain (Amendment on (1) the Army Field Manual and (2) Cruel, Inhumane, Degrading Treatment, amendment #1977 and also known as the McCain Amendment 1977.) that banned torture.

The bill was passed by the Senate in October 2005, by a vote of 90-9.

However, a few weeks later (Cue the Vice President: Enter, Stage Right) the games began, as Vice President Cheney led a charge to propose changes in the bill that would exempt CIA employees from it.

And, on that day of December 30, 2005, in his Signing Statement, the President noted;

''The executive branch shall construe [the law] in a manner consistent with the constitutional authority of the President . . . as Commander in Chief," Bush wrote, adding that this approach ''will assist in achieving the shared objective of the Congress and the President . . . of protecting the American people from further terrorist attacks."

Basically, the President improvised his own lines in the script, thumbing his nose at McCain and the Senate, saying, essentially, looking into the camera, “I’ll do what I want, whenever I want

Hopefully, someone in the media will ask this trio of heroes that, with the experience and evidence of the past five-years, on this President’s invasion and occupation of Iraq, or, more to the point, his mishandling of it - yes, the White House cites “bad intelligence” , while the rest of the world already has read reams of documents that show it to be “bad ideology ” - how they can believe and have faith that the President is going to listen to them, and that he is going to follow their laws? Especially, bringing up the Signing Statement on the McCain Torture Bill.

Now we fast-forward to September, after the string of Presidential speeches leading up to his ”non-political” nationally-aired politics-laced remembrance for the 5th Anniversary of 9-11, aided, conveniently by the ABC network, and their two-day, no-commercial interruptions broadcasting of the ‘The Path To 9-11’, that seemed to be running on the same White House script, leading us to the President’s fierce press conference a week ago, challenging the Congress to “give me my torture bill”.

His alleged new “bullhorn” moment.

In fact, we watch this president stumble awkwardly for another “bullhorn moment”, from ”Mission Accomplished””, to ”Purple-Fingered Iraqi Voters”, to “Final Throes”, to, “I’m the Decider”, to what now seems like, the “government-less new Iraqi Government”.

Only trouble is that for every “bullhorn moment” he reaches out for, he comes off more playing like Foghorn Leghorn (to, perhaps Cheney’s Yosemite Sam). Always boasting, and looking for the “gag” or “prank” rather then investing in more noble and substantive actions.

There are still a considerable number of scenes left to shoot in this movie. Now that the “Compromise” situation has been handled, it’s on to the next fabricated crisis.

And look at all the plot lines we have to choose from, be it new terrorism alerts, the immigration crisis, or the fabled “October Surprise” that is waiting in the wings.

Don’t hold your breath, waiting for some “great new day” coming out of this Compromise scene.

In fact, it’s very likely to be stock footage, of too many scenes we’ve viewed already, and that a majority of Americans are already giving this movie the “thumbs down”.

Other Garlictorials

Special Commentary: Welcome To Bushville …

Happy 4th of July - To Be A Fly On The Potato Salad Up In Kennebunkport Today

"Only trouble is that for every “bullhorn moment” he reaches out for, he comes off more playing like Foghorn Leghorn"

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Breaking News! Pontiff In Major Spread, Popemobile Giveaway

Oprah Lands Pope Benedict XVI For Huge Tell-All Over Muslim Flap

Either Apology or Conversion To Islam Promised In Teasers; Pontiff Turned Down By CBS News Free Speech

Scoring over every other news, cable news, talk or magazine show, Harpo Productions announced this morning that their mega media star Oprah Winfrey has landed embattled Pope Benedict XVI for the “Oprah Show”, set to air, over two-days, during the November Sweeps.

The deal with Pope Benedict will be a cross-promotional one, with an interview and photo spread running in “O, The Oprah Magazine”, Oprah’s publication. Harpo would not confirm or deny speculation that a precedent will take place, with the Pope appearing on the cover of the magazine, which has, since its inception, featured Ms. Winfrey. Sources in Oprah’s Angel Network are reporting that the two will appear together.

No details of the agreement between Oprah and Pope Benedict were released.

Sources close to the “Oprah Show” say that the programs have already been taped, with the Pope being secretly flown into Chicago, and hosted at Oprah’s private residence for security purposes.

Teasers provided to The Garlic hint that either another, stronger apology to Muslims from the Pope will be the “money” segment, or Oprah may have the scoop of the century, with the Pope announcing his conversion to Islam.

Pope Benedict has come under fire, with fierce Muslim anger growing against him since last week, after giving a speech at Germany's University of Regensburg, which quoted a 14th Century Christian emperor who said the Prophet Muhammad had brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things.

With a certain amount of irony, after being installed as Pope, Benedict sought to build “bridges of friendships”, and viewed making terrorism the major focus of his dialogue, with Muslims.

The Pope has since apologized for the remark, saying he was "deeply sorry" and that the remark does not reflect his personal views. The Vatican, and Pope, has offered at least three statements and apologies in an attempt to quell the protests and furor that has erupted around the world.

Violence has broken out in the Middle East and yesterday, Chinese Muslims added to the growing chorus denouncing the Pope.

Some Muslims are asking, and demanding, that as a show of sincerity, and good faith, that the Pope convert immediately to Islam. The latest call to convert came from the elder son of Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, Mohammed Gaddafi.

For Oprah, all this gives the promise of sky-high ratings

In addition to the two-day television interview, and the magazine spread, sources say that Oprah, and her friend Gayle King, have filmed new footage of their “Oprah and Gayle’s Big Adventure”, with Oprah behind the wheel of the Popemobile.

Another source is telling The Garlic that Oprah, much like her highly publicized promotion with Pontiac in 2004, has struck a deal with Mercedes-Benz and DaimlerChrysler, and will give audience members of the Pope’s taping their very own Popemobile.

All of this adds up to a huge loss for new CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric.

Reportedly, in a situation similar to that of ‘HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher’ host Bill Maher, the Pontiff was turned down for a spot in the ‘Free Speech’ segment Couric and CBS news offers, over the issue that the Pope would be speaking about religion.

In landing the scoop of Pope Benedict XVI, Oprah Winfrey, and her friend Gayle King, were able to shoot footage for their "Oprah and Gayle's Big Adventure" driving around in the Popemobile

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Spinach Industry Plans To Overcome E. Coli Setback

News Item: E. Coli Probe Focuses on 9 Calif. Farms

10. Make deal with with Apple to release new iPod in “Spinach Green” color

9. See if they can get Pope Benedict to diss spinach; People will rise up in protest and demand he eat some on television

8. Have Harvard and Princeton reinstate Early Admission, but for Spinach-Eaters only

7. Lobby Warner, McCain and Graham to add eating spinach to their Detainee Bill

6. Wouldn’t it be a hoot, that at the end of this Hewlett Packard Spying Scandal, it was all about which board members ate spinach?

5. Since their in, kind of, an experimental mode, have CBS News Anchor Katie Couric add “Spinach” segment to broadcast

4. Flood YouTube with videos of Lonelygirl15 eating spinach

3. Make new “Popeye” cartoons, and have Wimpy say “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for some spinach today”

2. Get President Bush to say he also has an "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" diet and loves eating spinach

1. Launch new Ad Campaign - Photos of famous people with green moustaches and the tag line “Got Spinach?”

New Popeye cartoons produced by the Spinach Industry will feature Wimpy, moaning , not for his trademark hamburger, but "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for some spinach today"

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard, if President Bush and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Happen To Get On The Same U.N Elevator

News Item: Bush Appeals to Muslims in U.N. Speech

10. Sniff, Sniff ... You smell that? ... Smells like there’s an Islamo-Fascist somewhere around here ...

9. Go ahead, ask’em ... Maybe he can put in a good word with Annan ... I mean, if Saddam could get in on the Oil--For-Food thing, I don’t see why you can’t

8. Care to join me for lunch today, Mahmoud? We’re serving Creamed Bagged Spinach - made especially for you

7. I wonder how this little macaca gets 200,000, 300,000 people at his speeches? I’m lucky to get a few hundred, and that not nearly as rabid as his crowd

6. If we leave the sanction thing up to Chirac, they’ll probably have nuclear weapons sooner, rather than later

5. Hey Satan, can you recommend any good books to read from your "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" Reading List“

4. All we have to do is take the same plans, change the “Q” to an “N” and, presto, we get another Middle East Democracy

3. So warmonger, are you going to demand in your speech today that the U.N. let you torture people, just like you demanded of your Congress?

2. I’m sorry there, my little Axis of Evil friend, this elevator doesn’t go to Floor 999 ... Heh, Heh, Heh ...

1. Powell’s not here, is he? ... I thought I saw him ... If he gives another speech here, we’re really screwed

Minced Garlic - New Keith Olbermann Special Comment - Bush Owes Us An Apology

MSNBC ‘Countdown’ host Keith Olbermann knocked one out of the park again last night, with a Special Comment - again - taking on this country’s “Decider”.

The apology is demanded (and should be demanded by the entire country) out of the speech and press conference our Court Appointed President gave and held last Friday in the Rose Garden.

"Mr. President, former Secretary of State Colin Powell says the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism," he was asked by a reporter. "If a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and former secretary of state feels this way, don't you think that Americans and the rest of the world are beginning to wonder
whether you're following a flawed strategy?"

“If there's any comparison between the compassion and decency of the American people and the terrorist tactics of extremists, it's flawed logic,” Bush said. “It's just -- I simply can't accept that. It's unacceptable to think that there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective.

Of course it's acceptable to think that there's "any kind of comparison."

And in this particular debate, it is not only acceptable, it is obviously necessary, even if Mr. Powell never made the comparison in his letter.

Oh, the irony of this man telling us “not to think”, after this same man bragged that he had a “Ek-a-lec-tic” reading list.

The irony, of how after telling us “not to think”, he goes on to, vehemently, demand Congress give him the authority to bypass the Geneva Conventions, to give him the authority to continue to torture suspected terrorists and criminals, or he’ll take his Neocon ball and come home, closing down the CIA interrogation program.

I don’t believe we can construe that the President was telling just Congress “not to think” - they did that long ago.

Here’s hoping that they pick up the call from Olbermann and also demand an apology - either before or after they pass the Detainee Bill that doesn’t authorize torture, that doesn’t bypass the Geneva Conventions. Either before or after they pass a bill that will, ultimately, be just a first step in repairing the damage this Bush Administration has inflicted on the United States of America and the world at-large.

Read, and watch the video, of ‘Bush Owes Us An Apology’ Here

Previous Special Comment Posts

Minced Garlic ... Keith Olbermann Special Comment - Feeling morally, intellectually confused?

Minced Garlic Redux! ... New Keith Olbermann Special Comment, - 'Have you no sense of decency, sir?'

Minced Garlic Trois - Special September 11th Special Comment By Keith Olbermann: “This Hole In The Ground”

Monday, September 18, 2006

Breaking News! With DisneyBaghdad, Bush Says “Nobody Wins Hearts and Minds Better Than Disney

Disney, With Secret Contract, Working With White House, Military On Building Baghdad Moats

‘Pirates of the Caliphate’, Other Attractions To Mask Security Measures; State Dept. Touts “DisneyBaghdad Will Pay For Itself”

Through a secret, “No-Bid” contract, and under a covert initiative, titled “Operation E Ticket”, by both the White House and the Pentagon, the Disney Company has been working side-by-side with the forces in Iraq, building DisneyBaghdad, where popular Disney attractions will aid in masking the new security measures, such as moats, trenches and berms, being implemented, sources have told The Garlic.

Since reports broke late this past week, that the U.S. Military was in the process, as part of their efforts to secure Baghdad, of building moats around the Iraqi capital, to control who enters, a steady stream of denials have come from military commanders and the Iraqi government. No official word has come from the President or White House, either confirming or denying the Disney deal in Baghdad

Once source, a senior official close to the White House, who spoke to The Garlic on the condition their identity would not be revealed said that President Bush personally pushed the deal for DisneyBaghdad.

“With all that has gone wrong with winning over the Iraqis,” said the senior official, “President Bush believes that nobody wins the hearts and minds of people better then Disney.”

Sources say that the DisneyBaghdad deal was in no way a “make-up” to Disney Co., after they were rebuffed in purchasing the City of New Orleans, after Hurricane Katrina, and turning it into a multi-themed, hurricane-related park.

State Dept’s Hughes Key To Pushing DisneyBaghdad To President

‘This could be significant,” offered John Lloyd Sullivan, principal of All American Seeds, the think tank that monitors the use of seeds in political or humanitarian projects.

“Is this part-and-parcel of Bush’s Messianic vision, his declaration of a ‘Third Awakening’?” questioned Sullivan. “That he’ll conquer the terrorists, not with military might, but with American entertainment and capitalism? That they are readjusting, using more carrots than sticks?”

Another source that spoke to The Garlic indicated that is just what the strategy is, giving credit to Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Karen Hughes, who the source said played a large part in pushing President Bush towards the Disney Deal.

Hughes, according to the highly-placed administration source, offered to the President that “DisneyBaghdad would end up paying for itself”, citing her own success at the State Department with her International Tupperware program.

Sullivan remains cautious, that DisneyBaghdad could be another “financial fiasco”, citing the report late this summer, from a Pentagon Inspector General’s report, that the “seeds of democracy” the administration was using in Iraq are “worthless”.

Disney To Modified Classic Attractions; No Tomorrowland or Future World

For Iraqis, or any other tourists to enter DisneyBaghdad, Disney will adopt the Bush Administrations “painted finger” identification program, which has been used frequently by President Bush, and others, as proof of democracy by the number of Iraqis who have voted in the three elections to-date.

Disney indicated they will not use “purple” and is in the process of developing a unique color, with security measures being taken so it will be difficult to replicate or counterfeit.

As to the attractions in DisneyBaghdad, the Disney Co. is making a number of concessions for its’ first theme park in the Middle East. Many of the favorite Disney attractions known to Western audiences will be modified for DisneyBaghdad, such as;

Pirates of the Caliphate

Hall of Ayatollahs

It’s A Small Mosque

Country Camel Jamboree

Snow White and the Seven Imams

Minnie Mouse, Cinderella, Snow White and all other female characters will be required to observe Muslim customs, in public, wearing veils or hijabs and burkas.

There will be no Tomorrowland, or Future World, until both the violence is eliminated and the political situation in Iraq stabilizes. Frontierland will just incorporate areas around Baghdad and DisneyBaghdad visitors will be required to sign a waiver and enter at their own risk.

Matar Sadam Al Duwali Road, or Airport Road will serve, due to the adrenaline rush of a high speed ride in order to avoid the longstanding violence, as Space Mountain, being renamed as “Space Highway”. The White House, Pentagon or Disney Co. would comment on the type of vehicle that will be used for “Space Highway”, or the speculation that unarmored Army Humvees would be the vehicle offering the most excitement.

Unconfirmed reports say that Disney is eschewing famous pro athletes for its’ promotions, and instead, will employ U.S. Soldiers and National Guardsman, who are being redeployed to Iraq for their third, fourth or fifth tour-of-duty, to shout into the cameras - “I’m going to DisneyBaghdad!

Top Ten Cloves: Other Ways John Yoo Thinks Presidency Has Regained Its Balance and Is Reinvigorated

News Item: How the Presidency Regained Its Balance

10. Bush Presidency so balanced, he can get a Democratic Senator to run for reelection as a closet Republican

9. Thanks to the Valerie Plame CIA Leak Case, was able to to keep Dick Cheney from gaining more power and taking over Oval Office

8. What helped balance his Presidency, Bush stood tall and didn’t shy away from being “The Decider

7. Bush Presidency invigorated by embracing the “Third Awakening” into his government, allowing him to build a Faith-Based Congress

6. President Bush’s keen world view shaped sharply by his "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" Reading List

5. President Bush’s presidency so inspiring, even comic book heroes, like Batman, want to join his Global War Against Terrorism

4. Things are so balanced, President Bush able to invigorate star news journalists to sit on major stories

3. Getting broad, worldwide support for his Islamo-Fascist policy - Even The Vatican has gotten behind it

2. Who knew you could accomplish so much from a little tiny thing, like a Signing Statement?

1. What’s more invigorating than getting a major network - ABC - to run, essentially, your talking points for five-Prime-Time-hours!

For more on John Yoo, visit Michael Stickings 'The Reaction' and his post “John Yoo is a dangerous idiot

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 17 September 2006

Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) is backing President Bush and his Detainee Bill, saying he's viewed the videotape from Gitmo and "all of these prisoners look healthy, and alert, with no signs of being tortured." Frist went on to say it would be the equivalent of murder to pull the prisoners feeding tubes

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld let out a "Goodness Gracious", tiring of reporters questions at a recent press conference on recent shoulder surgery. Rumsfeld then stopped and performed the surgery for a second time on himself, to demonstrate the procedure.

"Does it hurt?" asked the Secretary, before answering himself, "You bet'cha"and quickly followed with "Would I do it again? ... In a hearbeat"

"You go," said Rumsfeld, "into surgery with the shoulder you have, not the shoulder you wish you had"

Columnist Robert Novak
is front-and-center again, over the Valerie Plame CIA Leak. Novak is accusing former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage of lying about how he leaked Plame’s name, and then went on a tirade, calling for the Queen of England to step forward and tell what she knows about the case

CBS News Anchor Katie Couric said she isn't worried about the drop in her ratings since her debut

Sources tell The Garlic that Couric, to regain the ratings, is considering increasing the broadcast to 2-hours, and moving it up to the 7AM timeslot, changing places with the CBS Morning Show

Pope Benedict XVI, after apologizing to Muslims
, for saying in a speech last week that some of the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, Islam's founder, were "evil and inhuman," went a step further, saying he would also discard his book of Danish cartoons depicting Allah in unflattering circumstances

Do All Neocons Look Alike? ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll September 10 - September 16 2006

To say that all Neocons look alike would be, if not profiling, perhaps politically incorrect. We’re not supposed to say those kinds of things anymore. Or, maybe, we did one of the polls were there really wasn’t an incorrect choice, with the range of juicy favorites that were to be chosen

Yet, in the most closely contested Garlic Survey Poll to-date, with right up to the end, a mere vote separated the losers from the losers...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll September 10 - September 16 2006

With the 5th Anniversary of the attacks on September 11th, we want to find out which is your favorite moment from the Bush Administration

1. President Bush’s Mission Accomplished Tally 22%

2. Donald Rumsfeld’s Stuff Happens Tally 21%

3. George Tenet’s Slam Dunk Tally 19%

4. Condoleezza Rice’s Mushroom Clouds Tally 18%

5. Dick Cheney’s Last Throes Tally 18%

This week’s Poll - For coming out against President Bush and his Detainee Bill, that would reinterpret the Geneva Conventions, and siding with Senators Warner, McCain and Graham, former Secretary of State, and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Colin Powell can likely expect from the White House ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

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