Tuesday 24 January 2006

Deadline Looms For Axis of Evil Applicants

White House Cramming To Fill List For State of Union Address; Is Considering Adding Individuals For First Time

With President Bush's State of the Union Address less than a week away, the White House indicated today that there is some worry that the "Axis of Evil" finalist list isn't completed yet.

"We're still sifting through the applications," said Chief of Staff Andy Card. "A lot of people were late this year in getting them in."

Despite the tardiness of some Evils, the Administration is upbeat and announced that they are expanding the "Axis of Evil" program this year to include individuals, and will have at least three alternates.

Sources tell The Garlic that Vice President Dick Cheney is lobbying the President to have a special category designated for those that oppose and criticize the Administration on the wiretapping on U.S. Citizens.

Axis watchers speculate that Iran and North Korea will retain their spots and stay on the list. Syria and Palestine are expected to secure placement as two of the alternates

Iraq, which had been a long-standing member, now that they have had free elections and are forming a democratic government, will be decertified. A small ceremony will take place in the White House just prior to the State of the Union.

"We will be giving them a plaque, and a proclamation from the President, thanking them for their years' of service in the Axis," added Card.

The White House would not release the names of the individuals being considered for "Axis of Evil" status, but sources tell The Garlic that Congressmen Jack Murtha and anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan "will definitely be on the evil list".

A late entry to make the cut, following his speech last week, in which he stated that the President is violating the law, is former Vice President Al Gore.

"There's a real battle going on in there," offered Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. "Rove wants this person, Cheney wants that person. The President is at wits end on filling out the list.

Reportedly, Vice President Cheney has dug in his heels and wants Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald added to the Axis.

Some members of the administration, according to Martins, are pushing the President to place indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff as a Honorary Axis of Evil designee, but so far, the President is resisting that choice, some say, out of fear of offending fellow Texans Karl Rove and Tom DeLay.

"Believe it or not," said Martins, "but it's a hot rumor that they're putting the squeeze on Abramoff, to kick in more money before he's convicted, and dangling the Evil List out there as leverage."

Martins says this could come right down to the wire, with the Axis of Evil List still not complete "minutes before the speech".

"All I know," says Martins, "is, after the Sergeant booms out "Mr. Speaker … The President of the United States", I wouldn't necessarily want to be the first congressman to shake hands with Bush as he strides in."

On the Bushapalooza Tour today, MSNBC Host Tucker Carlson said he'd "bet his bowtie" that President Bush will be found innocent of any illegal wiretapping