Breaking News! 27 January 2006

Disgraced Author Frey Claims Kidnapped and Beaten By Oprah, Staff

Says Tortured For Hours; "Oprah Like A Wild Animal"; Nationally Televised Berating No Impact On Bush, DOD Work

A disheveled, and seemingly intoxicated, James Frey, author of the now-debunked memoir, "A Million Little Pieces", was found early this morning sleeping behind Chicago's Navy Pier next to a trash container.

Reports say that Frey told the responding Chicago Police that he was "kidnapped" and "held over night" by Oprah Winfrey and members of her staff, who, he says, "tortured and beat me."

The Chicago Police say they are investigating the charges, but that they have "indications" that the story "may not be accurate".

Sources close the department have told The Garlic that "there were no visible marks or bruises" and that the first-responding officers "noticed a strong smell of alcohol".

Frey, on Thursday, appeared on the "Oprah" show, live, to face questioning from host Oprah Winfrey about the charges that he fabricated the element of his best-selling memoir. The book was featured by Oprah's infamous book club and has sold over 2-million copies.

The controversy emanated when a report by The Smoking Gun, an investigative web site, known for posting the police mug shots of celebrities, discovered multiple discrepancies between Mr. Frey's life and what he wrote in his book.

"I made a mistake," Frey told Oprah. "And when I was writing the book, instead of being as introspective as I should have been, I clung to that image." Frey was referring to the "tough guy" image he portrayed himself as in "A Million Little Pieces.

"I feel duped," Ms. Winfrey told Frey. "But more importantly, I feel that you betrayed millions of readers."

Frey remained on stage, red-faced, throughout the program as Oprah interviewed the publisher of the book, Nan A. Talese, who heads an imprint of Random House's Doubleday division, as well as columnists Richard Cohen, of The Washington Post, and Frank Rich, from The New York Times.

According to the police report, Frey claims that, after the show, backstage, Oprah continued to "verbally berate and abuse me", and was joined by members of her staff. At some point, the confrontation escalated when "Oprah, or possibly someone else, sucker-punched me". Either from the assault, or hitting his head when he fell, caused Frey to blackout.

"Next thing I knew, I was in an empty room, handcuffed to a chair," Frey told police.

Over the next four-hours or more, Frey says he was beaten with "a telephone book", spit on and slapped. He says throughout the ordeal, Oprah Winfrey was present and "yelling at me like a crazy woman".

Frey says that at another point, a man entered the room, and proceeded to give Frey a root canal, without any Novocain or pain medicine.

"It was just like that scene in 'Marathon Man', when they drilled Dustin Hoffman," said Frey in the police report.

A spokesperson for Oprah Winfrey denies that Ms. Winfrey "or anyone else employed here" took part in what Mr. Frey claims.

"After all, it has been proved that Mr. Frey has a predilection for not telling the truth. We have that on tape now."

In Washington, a spokesperson for the Department of Defense said that Frey's appearance on "Oprah", or his alleged assault "has no impact" on Frey status of working on the U.S. Military's Iraqi Media Program, and his contributions to Bushapalooza.

"We still have the strongest confidence in his abilities," said the spokesperson.

"In fact," continued the spokesperson, "the White House, this morning, advised us that they will be having Mr. Frey work on the new 'Lobbyist Surveillance Program' at the earliest he can."