Saturday, September 10, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 September 2005

While used in mock drills, Mike Brown's plan to rescue New Orleans and Gulf Coast residents by balloon was never implemented or endorsed by FEMA, having been veoted by Homeland Security Director Chertoff

Hey, Mr. Kiss Ass!

Utilizing all avalible resources, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin employed members of Rex's, King of the Madri Gras, court to rescue stranded citizens.

Sportscaster Bob Costas, seen here with Air Americs's Al Franken, continues his search to find a personality that he is taller than.

"I'll give you three bottles of water and four MRE's for that nifty hat of yours"

Friday, September 09, 2005

Friday 9 September 2005

New iPod Phone Requires Downloading Calls

Discount Offered On Call/Song Combo; Plans Coming To Allow Selling Of Calls

After all the hoopla of announcing their new iTunes-enabled cell phone, the Rokr, Apple dropped a bombshell, indicating users of the service will require downloading the calls from iPhone, Apple's new cell phone application.

Developed by Motorola, the Rokr will play digital songs from Apple's iTunes music service. Cell phone service is offered by Cingular Wireless, the exclusive carrier of the Roker in North America.

However, it is not possible to use iTunes to download songs over Cingular's wireless network.

Steven Jobs, Apple's CEO defended the Roker and the downloading of calls.

"With the investment we made, along with our partners, Motorola and Cingular, we had to monetize this as best we could. Being that you will have to connect to iTunes to download the songs, we felt we could centralize the process to make it easier for the end user."

Users of the Rokr must use a U.S.B cable from an iTunes-equipped personal computer to download their calls from Apple's new iPhone application.

Jobs pointed out that Apple had sold a total of 22 million iPods, with 6.2 million sold in the latest quarter alone.

Roker users will establish a personal iPhone account and can leave calls stored for up to 30-days in their account. Cost to download the calls will be .69, with the revenue being shared by Apple, Motorola and Cingular. If the user already has an iTunes account, the iPhones application will be automatically set for them.

Taking a page from Google, when a user goes to download a call, a sidebar will appear with 3-5 iTunes that are related to the theme of the incoming call. If the caller downloads one of these iTunes, the cost is discounted to .69, with all revenue going to only Apple

Soon, Rokr users will be able to resell their calls, as Jobs also announces a pending partnership with eBay. The deal will allow eBay to set-up a section on iPhones where users can place their calls for sale.

Jobs also noted that the Rokr does have, like the iPods, the special sensors that detect dissent and criticism of Apple. iPhone will be networked with iSqueal and the Rokr has a built-in speed dial number for a one-touch call to connect with iSqueal.

FEMA became more embroiled in bureaucracy yesterday, in a dispute on whether to issue evacuees regular-sized M&M's or the new Mega-sized

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On Vice President Cheney's Tour of Hurricane Region

10. Well, I'm riding a Chevy and the levee sure ain't dry

9. I wish I brought my fishing gear

8. Are all the Halliburton guys safe?

7. Find out if Pat O'Brien's is open, maybe we can swing by for a shot

6. Lynne, ask that guy … I don't know how to get floodwater stains out of silk

5. Send someone over to Houston and see if you can snag me a few of those debit cards they're handing out

4. Yeah, I know, the people, the housing, blah, blah … The real first priority is to get that oil flowing again

3. Should I wait another day or two to announce that the flood is in its' final throes?

2. Has Rove started his smear campaign on Mary Landrieu yet?

1. Hmmm … Instead of invading Baghdad with forces, maybe we should have flooded it first

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Wednesday 7 September 2005

Cheney To Visit, Beef Up New Orleans Security

Will Patrol and Bring Law and Order; Also Paving Way For Halliburton Contracts

The White House announced that Vice President Dick Cheney will be dispatched to New Orleans on Friday, to assist and augment security operations in the flood-ravaged city.

"We expect the Vice President to patrol the city and help bring law and order", said President Bush at a cabinet meeting yesterday.

"Direct threats require decisive action," grinned the Vice President.

The Vice President has come under fire recently, for not cutting short his Wyoming vacation as the post-hurricane situation in New Orleans and the neighboring Mississippi deteriorated into chaos.

Late last week Cheney released a statement that he believed "Hurricane Katrina is in its' final throes".

"The President is counting on," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "for Vice President Cheney's reputation as a tough, no-nonsense bully to help the situation of lawlessness in New Orleans."

In a statement released later in the day by the Vice President's office, Cheney stated that "we must be prepared to face our responsibilities and be willing to use force if necessary."

While in New Orleans, Cheney will also shore up details on the contract awarded to Halliburton subsidiary, Kellogg, Brown & Root Services Inc.

KBR will receive $12 million for work at the Naval Air Station at Pascagoula, Miss., the Naval Station at Gulfport, Miss., and Stennis Space Center in Mississippi. KBR will receive $4.6 million for work at two smaller Navy facilities in New Orleans and others in the South

Washington Post reported that KBR has been at the center of scrutiny for receiving a five-year, no-bid contract to restore Iraqi oil fields shortly before the war began in 2003. Halliburton has reported being paid $10.7 billion for Iraq-related government work during 2003 and 2004. The company reported its pretax profits from that work as $163 million. Pentagon auditors have questioned tens of millions of dollars of Halliburton charges for its operations there.

Last month three congressional Democrats asked Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld to investigate the demotion of a senior civilian Army official, Bunnatine H. Greenhouse, who publicly criticized the awarding of that contract.

Cheney brushed off any criticism of Halliburton, the company he headed from 1995-2000, or KBR, saying, "Let us rid ourselves of the fiction that low oil prices are somehow good for the United States."

I'm sorry Mr. President, it's just not my fault ... Talk to this guy over here about it ..."

Justice Dept. Swamped With Flood, Hurricane Confessions

Thousands Say They Are To Blame; White House Orders Log Kept For Future Use

As President Bush announced yesterday that the White House will lead an investigation into the slow Federal response to the hurricane-stricken Gulf Coast and New Orleans, with life-saving supplies and logistics, the telephones and switchboards lit up at the Justice Department, with thousands of people making confessions, for the hurricane and flood.

Despite the President, and other government officials saying now was not the time to play "the blame game", calls poured into Justice officials, either with the caller admitting they were guilty, or pointing fingers at neighbors and co-workers.

Rumors indicate that, upon receiving news of these calls, White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card ordered the Justice Department to record and keep a log of these calls.

"With the President just beginning his investigation," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "we want to log in all evidence. Many of these calls could be valuable to the President in determining the cause and finding out just who was responsible for these problems."

At the cabinet meeting, President Bush said that "we've got to solve problems; we're problem-solvers," he said. "There will be ample time for people to figure out what went right and what went wrong …"

The Justice Dept. indicate that a number of the calls so far have yielded important clues. One cluster of calls have named House Speaker Dennis Hastert as a cause. Hastert, last week, came out and questioned the rebuilding of New Orleans and callers are claiming they have evidence of a plot by Hastert to destroy the city.

Vice President Dick Cheney is also being cited by callers, for being conspicuously absent last week and then, suddenly, his former company, Halliburton, is awarded contracts to clean up and rebuild New Orleans and other sections of the Gulf Coast.

The President has already announced that he will establish a committee to look into the Vice President's whereabouts and actions last week.

"Between the President's investigation", said McClellan, "and the calls coming into the Justice Department, we're confident we'll get to the bottom of this."

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Can Go Wrong With Playboy Magazine Offering On-Line Version

10. "Reading the interviews" keeps crashing your computer

9. You find yourself defending Anna Nicole Smith
at dinner parties

8. Playboy starts charging you rent for amount of time you spend in Chat Room

7. R Kelly starts a petition to put PlayGirl on-line; Needs a follow-up 'Trapped' act

6. Your boss knows you've been on-line to Playboy
because of the plain brown paper wrapped around your computer

5. New office intern turns up in the 'Girls From Cornell' spread

4. You break your monitor trying to unfold the centerfold

3. You find your Instant Messenger program chatting on-line with Playmate-of-the-Month - by itself

2. Playboy Advisor makes error; Posts your letter, with real name and city on the site

1. You'll be lulled into lounging around your office in your silk pajamas

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Tuesday 6 September 2005

Baghdad Blockbuster!
Sunni's Offer Deal To Support Vote In Exchange For Sections of New Orleans

Believe Better Chances of Revenue in Flooded US City Than Iraq; Can Offer Security Services As Area Rebuilds

In a stunning move, Sunni leaders have sent a proposal to U.S. and Iraqi officials, offering support of the new Iraqi Constitution, in exchange for relocation and ownership of sections of hurricane and flood-ravaged New Orleans.

Facing the possibility of federalism with the passing of the Constitution, and being all but cut out from oil profits, the Sunni's believe they can gain a better revenue share of the oil flow, and other revenues, in New Orleans than Iraq.

Most fear that, with the Sunni's calling for a "No Vote" on the new Constitution, the country will sink further into chaos and continued terrorism.

The proposal, sent to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and U.S. Iraqi Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad, also offers security services to the New Orleans area, as the city rebuilds from the devastating flooding.

Beleaguered New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, stated when advised of the offer;

"Shoot … If they have water, food and buses, I don't care if they're Sunni, Sunny or sideways … Get their asses here! … Now!"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated "the Secretary has briefed and shared the proposal with the President" and the State Department was studying the document and "authenticating it".

"The President, as well as FEMA and Homeland Security has consistently said," offered McClellan, "that, when it comes to fixing New Orleans, all ideas are on the table."

Sunni Iraqi Cabinet member and Deputy Prime Minister Abed Mutlaq al-Jbouri said that the Sunni's were "sincere" in relocating to New Orleans.

"We can stay here, outnumbered, in oppressive heat and wage civil war for generations." said al-Jbouri, "Or, we can move to New Orleans … Maybe the Algiers section … Personally, I would like to open one of those riverboat gambling casinos."

Al-Jbouri also indicated that the Sunni's could augment, or "completely take-over" the security of New Orleans.

"You've seen our work … We don't mess around, we'll bring law and order to that area in a heartbeat."

Vice President Dick Cheney, emerging from his secret bunker, refused comment on the Sunni offer but did declare that he believes "Hurricane Katrina is in its' final throes".

With continued criticism mounting over their reaction time to the hurricane stricken Gulf Coast and City of New Orleans, a whistle-blower inside FEMA leaked a photo of a typical FEMA training session

News In Brief

DOD Adds Carrot Top, Omarosa To Freedom Walk

Rumsfield Adding 'Hollywood Glitz' To Festivities; Commemorative Levee To Be Built

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield announced today that the 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense, has added to the line-up comedian and actor, Carrot Top and former 'The Apprentice' star, Omarosa.

"We wanted to add alittle Hollywood glitz," beamed Rumsfield.

Country singing star Clint Black is also on the bill and, last month, Rumsfield announced that new Iraqi President Jalal Talabani will serve as the honorary Grand Marshall of the event.

"Goodness, Lord knows people are going to be expecting something big," continued the Defense Secretary. 'Some of the other celebrities we wanted to bring in are booked down in Houston and New Orleans, comforting the hurricane victims.

To pay tribute to, and honor, the survivors and victims of Hurricane Katrina, the Army Corps of Engineers will build a commemorative levee in the tidal basin on the National Mall.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Kayne West Knows That President Bush Doesn't Care About

10. If the Washington Nationals make the World Series this year

9. Terry Gilliam's new film

8. The customer reviews of Amazon.Com

7. Former Ambassador Joseph Wilson

6. That reporter in the Press Room who always sits in the third row and picks his nose

5. R Kelly's performance at the MTV Awards Show

4. If the National Guard "accidentally" shoots New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin

3. Anybody that Karl Rove decides to smear

2. That when Cuba had a hurricane, they evacuated all their citizens with no loss of life

1. Meeting and talking with Cindy Sheehan