Tuesday 6 September 2005

Baghdad Blockbuster!
Sunni's Offer Deal To Support Vote In Exchange For Sections of New Orleans

Believe Better Chances of Revenue in Flooded US City Than Iraq; Can Offer Security Services As Area Rebuilds

In a stunning move, Sunni leaders have sent a proposal to U.S. and Iraqi officials, offering support of the new Iraqi Constitution, in exchange for relocation and ownership of sections of hurricane and flood-ravaged New Orleans.

Facing the possibility of federalism with the passing of the Constitution, and being all but cut out from oil profits, the Sunni's believe they can gain a better revenue share of the oil flow, and other revenues, in New Orleans than Iraq.

Most fear that, with the Sunni's calling for a "No Vote" on the new Constitution, the country will sink further into chaos and continued terrorism.

The proposal, sent to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and U.S. Iraqi Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad, also offers security services to the New Orleans area, as the city rebuilds from the devastating flooding.

Beleaguered New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, stated when advised of the offer;

"Shoot … If they have water, food and buses, I don't care if they're Sunni, Sunny or sideways … Get their asses here! … Now!"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated "the Secretary has briefed and shared the proposal with the President" and the State Department was studying the document and "authenticating it".

"The President, as well as FEMA and Homeland Security has consistently said," offered McClellan, "that, when it comes to fixing New Orleans, all ideas are on the table."

Sunni Iraqi Cabinet member and Deputy Prime Minister Abed Mutlaq al-Jbouri said that the Sunni's were "sincere" in relocating to New Orleans.

"We can stay here, outnumbered, in oppressive heat and wage civil war for generations." said al-Jbouri, "Or, we can move to New Orleans … Maybe the Algiers section … Personally, I would like to open one of those riverboat gambling casinos."

Al-Jbouri also indicated that the Sunni's could augment, or "completely take-over" the security of New Orleans.

"You've seen our work … We don't mess around, we'll bring law and order to that area in a heartbeat."

Vice President Dick Cheney, emerging from his secret bunker, refused comment on the Sunni offer but did declare that he believes "Hurricane Katrina is in its' final throes".

With continued criticism mounting over their reaction time to the hurricane stricken Gulf Coast and City of New Orleans, a whistle-blower inside FEMA leaked a photo of a typical FEMA training session






News In Brief

DOD Adds Carrot Top, Omarosa To Freedom Walk

Rumsfield Adding 'Hollywood Glitz' To Festivities; Commemorative Levee To Be Built

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield announced today that the 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense, has added to the line-up comedian and actor, Carrot Top and former 'The Apprentice' star, Omarosa.

"We wanted to add alittle Hollywood glitz," beamed Rumsfield.

Country singing star Clint Black is also on the bill and, last month, Rumsfield announced that new Iraqi President Jalal Talabani will serve as the honorary Grand Marshall of the event.

"Goodness, Lord knows people are going to be expecting something big," continued the Defense Secretary. 'Some of the other celebrities we wanted to bring in are booked down in Houston and New Orleans, comforting the hurricane victims.

To pay tribute to, and honor, the survivors and victims of Hurricane Katrina, the Army Corps of Engineers will build a commemorative levee in the tidal basin on the National Mall.