New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible

Catholic Church To Follow IRS Lead; Will Begin To Sell Confessions

Move Forecasted To Be Boon For On-Line Porn, Gambling, and Divorce Industries

In a stunning move, the Vatican announced late yesterday that it will soon begin selling the confessions of the Catholic Church’s followers, citing a need to update some obsolete cannons, and generate much needed revenue.

The new measure was discovered in a routine, yearly review of church laws, portrayed as housecleaning and was, initially, considered by the Vatican as "not a significant regulatory action."

The move to begin selling the sacrament of confession came in a section detailing the upgrade of the church’s technological infrastructure and some in the Vatican see this as a means to cover those costs.

“We’re looking at a substantial overhaul,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “at a time when the church’s fiscal abilities are already constrained.

No Tie To IRS Change, Who Defends Selling Tax Return Data

The Vatican denies that the selling of confessions was timed to news that, in the United States, the Internal Revenue Service was attempting to pave the way to allow tax preparers the right to sell tax returns, to databanks and marketers.

It was discovered that, buried in a bevy of new rules by the IRS, from a posting last December, was to allow the sale of data from citizens’ tax returns. And it appears the agency was attempting to pass the measure through unnoticed.

The measure allowing the sale was titled "IRS issues proposed regulations to safeguard taxpayer information."

Upon the discovery, consumer advocates and elected officials seized on it, and the potential breach of confidentiality and abuses by third parties.

In a letter to IRS Commissioner Mark Everson, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) wrote that "There is no more sensitive information than a taxpayer's return, and the IRS proposal to allow those returns to be sold to third-party marketers is deeply troubling."

Obama would not comment if he has plans to record the new law for his next ‘Spoken Word’ project, and if he will go after another Grammy Award with it.

IRS spokesman William M. Cressman defended the action.

"The heart of this proposed regulation is about the right of taxpayers to control their tax return information. The idea is to emphasize taxpayer consent and set clear boundaries on how tax return preparers can use or disclose tax return information."

Catholic League Wants Disclaimer; Swift Boat Vets To List Kerry Sins

Catholics have become outraged with the proposed sale of confessions.

William A. Donohue, president of the conservative Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, denounced the move, but with some reservations.

“The timing on this couldn’t be worse,” huffed Donohue. “They want us to go out and defend the church against the slanderous and outrageously false “The Da Vinci Code” movie, and now this. I will ask the Vatican, at a minimum, to put a disclaimer on the confessional booths.”

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), a devout Catholic said he doesn’t see an issue with selling confessions.

“If you have good family values, you’re not gay or support gay causes, then there isn’t anything to worry about. If we wanted, we can get all the confessions we want via the Patriot Act, or through the Extraordinary Rendition program.”

Former Presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-MA) said he found the announcement from the Vatican “troubling.”

“I’ll have to study this more,” said Kerry. “I may be against it now, but vote for it later, or vice versa.”

The Swift Boat Veterans welcomed the move by the Vatican and announced plans to release to their local church, “an extremely long list of sins” committed by Kerry

Deathbed Confessions Expected To Be “Very Lucrative”

The Vatican document on the selling of confessions lists revenue projections, and the church sees the move as being a financial windfall.

Expected to be big earners for the church are the on-line enterprises of pornography and gambling, followed by the divorce industry.

Mortal sins are anticipated to bring in tenfold the revenue, versus venial sins.

“We believe,” said the Vatican spokesperson, “that the developed countries, like America, the Europeans, some sections of Asia and the Far East, will be the overwhelming main market for this. The underdeveloped nations, places were we have missionaries, we see as a bigger challenge, but, in the long-term, a substantially large market for us.”

The reports also sees “deathbed confessions” as being very lucrative.

The revenue generated will go towards the church’s planned technology upgrade, such as new computers, cell phones, PDA’s and other devices, mostly for daily business.

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible

With the selling of confessions, the report does address the need to update the confessional booth, and have the ability to document the confessions for the purpose of selling them

Early drafts show a more modern booth, with a small touch screen and keypad.

Sinners will enter the booth and key in their password. On the touch screen, there will be a multiple choice offering - they can then decide if they will allow their all of confession to be sold, only a portion of them, none at all, or they can store their confessions for up to 90-days and then allow the sale, or delete the entries.

There is some heated discussion in the Vatican over the plan.

Some bishops are arguing, that it the church gets in the business of selling confession, the sinner should receive something, if not a revenue-share plan, then it should be a lighter penance.

Others are behind the position say that the sinners should be charged in this new system, for their penance, with prices attached to the “Hail Mary”, ‘Our Father” prayers, and the Rosary.

When asked about the confession, where the sinner fesses up to cheating on their tax returns, the Vatican spokesperson smiled, and simply said;

“That’s our jackpot.”

Garlic Exclusive!

At a recent Conference of Bishops at the Vatican, the new touchscreen technology was tested out, that would be used in the new, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths