Saturday, December 17, 2005

Editor's Note - Technical Difficulties On Friday

Good Morning Garlic Fans

Due to some technincal difficulites yesteday (Friday 15 December 2005), we were unable to post.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have wrought.

Rest assured, all is well and we'll be back with the Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves, as well as peeling away on Monday.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thursday 15 December 2005

White House To Extend President's Speaking Tour

May Venture Delivering Addresses Before 'Regular Folk"; Next Four Speeches To Tout "Historic Vote Count"

The White House announced today that, with the warm-up of "four hits under his belt", President Bush will extend his "speaking tour" throughout the winter. This would include the possibility of having the President speak to "regular folks" and some of the addresses may feature a special guest - Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT).

"We're really pumped" offered Communication Director Nicolle Devenish Wallace. "The President is beginning to get his confidence and pacing down, hitting his marks and we're still able to get away with tying the Sept 11th attacks to Saddam and Iraq and the justification for the war."

A search by The Garlic showed that the White House Travel Office is blocking out dates into March 2006 and booking hotel rooms in major cities across the country.

Wallace also indicted that "a number of these new speeches will be in front of average citizens."

"The President is eager to hit the road and talk with, what he calls, 'regular folks'. He wants to get his message directly to the people"

Wallace indicated the venues for the President's speeches will be varied, and include major conservative institutions, colleges and universities and, possibly, "one or two major arena events".

"We're really going to do this big," offered Wallace. "We'll have T-Shirts, CD's, DVD's and, for the younger generation, immediate downloads of the President's speeches to their iPods or MP3's."

Wallace refused to confirm or deny that there could be other practical matters for the President continuing his speaking tour.

According to Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist, one of the reasons to continue the speaking tour is to "continue dodging Cindy Sheehan".

"I have sources that are telling me," said Mitchell, "that the White House is intent on 'breaking down' Sheehan. They keep him moving around and make her spend more money following him. If the schedule is what I hear it is, they'll be in-and-out of cities before Sheehan can even arrive there."

Another source told Mitchell that they will be targeting speeches in areas close to Washington D.C. and Austin, TX, in an effort to "influence potential jurors" in the upcoming trials of former Vice President Chief of Staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby and former House Leader Tom Delay.

The Garlic has also learned that the Lincoln Group has secured additional contracts, to produce pro-American and pro-Iraqi Government stories "specifically around the Presidents speaking schedule".

"They're laying out," said our source who asked to remain anonymous, "a whole list of new historic events and happenings for Iraq in 2006."

Among the new historic events will be the upcoming "Historic Vote Count" and the "Historic First Day of the new Iraqi Parliament".

In a surprising move, according to Wallace, the President may be joined in selected cities by a special guest, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT), who has been an ardent supporter of the Bush Administration's Iraq War plans.

"Joe will be with us," said Wallace. "He's pretty jazzed by it already."

Extra security was in place for today's historic Iraqi vote for Democracy

News In Brief 15 December 2005

President Stays Firm On Call For War But Admits Intel Errors

White House Looking Into If President, VP Were Reading Lincoln Group Paid Propaganda During War Build-up

In a stunning development, President Bush, giving his fourth speech in less than a week to lay out his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", took full responsibility for going to war in Iraq and admitted that some of the intelligence he based his decisions on was faulty.

In his address yesterday, at the Woodrow Wilson Center in Washington, the President was atypically candid in taking responsibility for taking the United States into the Iraqi War.

"As president, I'm responsible for the decision to go into Iraq, and I'm also responsible for fixing what went wrong by reforming our intelligence capabilities."

However, as quickly as he admitted possible mistakes, the President returned to his defiant theme.

"Saddam was a threat and the American people and the world is better off because he is no longer in power,"

At the White House, Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that the internal investigation as to the faulty intelligence may show that "the President and Vice President may have received the paid information" that was contracted by the Pentagon

"We're trying to confirm if the information President Bush and Vice President Cheney read, to evauluate the deadly threats, was actually the paid propaganda that was contracted for from the Lincoln Group."

A spokesperson for the Lincoln Group declined comment, citing the terms of the contract with the U.S. Military.

This would be the second case known at this time of the White House confusing materials, and using paid content. Earlier this month, it was leaked that the President's first speech in his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" was also written by the Lincoln Group.

Top Ten Cloves: Things White House Is Worried About Over Outcome Of Iraq Elections

10. Cindy Sheehan will still be parking herself in front of White House and asking to meet with President

9. Maybe, just maybe, Rumsfeld will finally resign

8. President Bush will finally have time to watch all those DVD's to get caught up on what's happening

7. No matter how successful, still, likely, won't get that Jack Murtha off their backs

6. Not sure if they had enough planted stories out to influence election

5. Puts pressure on the Navy Secretary to find where they stored the "Mission Accomplished" banner

4. Will likely have to work nights and weekends to actually sit down and come up with plan for post-election Iraq

3. Dick Cheney will have to start practicing his "Imminent threat/mushroom clouds coming from Iran" rhetoric

2. Truckload of forged ballots will be traced back to them

1. If Karl Rove gets indicted, who'll teach the new Iraq leaders how to smear their opposition

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Wednesday 14 December 2005

O'Reilly Gears Up Next War; Says Will Battle To Save "Little Christmas"

Calls For New Laws and Mandatory Fines; Doesn't Hesitate To Make Up False Charges To Broadcast His Point

Fox News Anchor and Westwood One Radio Host Bill O'Reilly announced today that he will stay on the frontlines of the War on Christmas and continue the fight to save "Little Christmas", or "The Epiphany" from "the secular liberals and the ACLU"

"They're walking all over these traditions," bellowed O'Reilly.

"The sooner we can do away with these annoying pinheads, and get back to celebrating our Christian Holidays the way we did when we grew up - as more the half the country has told 'The Factor' - the better this country will be."

O'Reilly, again, as he has done for the past few years, launched a full-scale media battle, by many accounts, unprovoked and without merit, a war on "saving Christmas". O'Reilly has repeatedly charged liberals, and the ACLU as attempting to prevent citizens, and corporations from using the phrase "Merry Christmas" or even the word "Christmas".

O'Reilly has used his Fox News television program and his Westwood One radio program to rail against, what he perceives, is a liberal and secular conspiracy to do away with the Christmas holiday.

O'Reilly runs a list on his website, tracking corporations and retail stores on their use of traditional Christmas greetings and celebrations. O'Reilly complements the businesses that are embracing Christmas, and threatens with boycotts, or slams with smears, the business that use the more encompassing, generic "Happy Holidays".

And, when there isn't enough content for O'Reilly to wage his battle against, he has had no problem manufacturing and presenting false examples.

Recently, O'Reilly cited that officials in Saginaw Township, Michigan banned their citizens from wearing the traditional Christmas colors of red or green, charges made on both his television and radio program.

"In Saginaw , Michigan , the township opposes red and green clothing…on Anyone, In Saginaw Township they basically said anybody, we don’t want you wearing red or green. I would dress up from head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw Michigan .”

Saginaw Township supervisor Tim Braun said that O’Reilly’s comments are "flat out not true". Braun went on to say the township hall has red and green Christmas lights adorning the building at night.

O'Reilly, in his press conference announcing the "Little Christmas" is now the focus of his crusade, says that "for the secular grinches, it may be 'little' but wait until I get through with them, they'll wish they never started this thing."

O'Reilly also announced that he will be collaborating with Fox colleague John Gibson to write a new book, "The War On Little Christmas: How The Liberals And ACLU Are Plotting To Steal January 6th".

Gibson is the author of "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought"

O'Reilly indicated that he has approached legislators "in Congress, as well as every state in the Union", lobbying for laws to be passed to protect "Little Christmas" and impose a mandatory fine for "anyone that takes their tree and decorations down before January 6th."

"We want the tinsel and the lights, it's what make it the great holiday that it is," said O'Reilly.

When it was pointed out to the bellicose host, that January 6th, for Latinos all over the world, is "La Fiesta de Reyes" or "Three Kings Day", O'Reilly scoffed;

"Hey, maybe you haven't heard, this is America. Let them go back over the borders they crossed illegally and have all the holidays they want."

"Then," O'Reilly added, "I'm sure the ACLU will jump right in and say were' violating this, or infringing on that. Those Nazis will work their fingers to the bone to take away the small joy you, I and all the Average Joe's out there enjoy. I tell ya, it's just not fair."

To motivate and inspire his staff, to join the battle to "Save Christmas", Bill O'Reilly frequently works throughout the day dressed as Santa Claus

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Hewlett Packard's Wall Street Analyst Meeting Yesterday

10. If Carly was still running the show, we'd be having this meeting in St. Barts

9. You saw it already! I'd probably get fired if anyone saw me coming out of "Brokeback Mountain"

8. Didn't this guy used to make cash registers?

7. I'll bet, by the time they spin off the Printer Division, Google will be eating their lunch with something that can print better or faster

6. If Brian Williams spent a day with this guy, they'd have to wake him out of the chair by about 10AM …

5. If he brings up anything on merging with AOL, see if we still Carly's number in the Rolodex and how soon she can come back

4. A "blend company?" What are they doing out there, making computers or coffee?

3. I still have my HP iPod, what about you?

2. I heard the have a deal to get "HP Invent" on the President's new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

1. Jeez, if their financial forecast was any more cautious, they' d make Sam Walton look like Dennis Kozlowski

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tuesday 13 December 2005

Iraq Pulls Late Switch On Voters; Will Follow Red Sox And Have Two Presidents

Leaving Iraqi Lights On For Boy Wonder Epstein To Join New Government; Red Sox Announce New Viewing Charge

Showing admiration for the Boston Red Sox naming co-General Managers, the Iraq National Congress threw its' voters, and the Bush Administration, a curveball by announcing they will add a second Presidential candidate and run the new government with "Co-Presidents".

"They won the World Series last year, they are very competitive and profitable," said U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad
"They have fierce rivalries, just like the country of Iraq. It will be a good operational model to follow"

According to Prime Minister Ibraheem AL.Jafari, members of the Iraqi Parliament met in an all-night session last night, following the Boston Red Sox naming Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington as co-General Managers, and as early voting began in Iraq.

"We know it's late in the game, as they say over in America, so we had to make the quick decision.

Larry Lucchino, Boston Red Sox President and CEO, was flattered by the Iraq announcement.

"I knew we carried a lot of weight in Red Sox Nation," said Lucchino, "but I didn't know our reach went all the way to Iraq.

President Jalal Talabani is reported to be in favor of the move to have co-Presidents. In a very brief press conference, Talabani indicated that "it will be good that it isn't all on one person, and that one person being myself."

The Bush Administration was stunned by the announcement, clearly indicating they were unaware of the talks going on inside the Iraqi Government.

"The President," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, "sees this as a positive step towards the building of democracy in Iraq.

McClellan declined comment if President Bush will have to rewrite his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" or just add new chapters.

"The President is confident in his plans, as is," offered McClellan.

Ambassador Khalilzad said that "the President being a former owner of a baseball team should work will with this new arrangement".

President Bush was a former owner of the Major League Baseball team, the Texas Rangers.

In dropping another shoe, President Talabani indicated that the Iraqi Government has begun talks with former Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. Epstein resigned back in November, after guiding the Red Sox to their World Series victory in 2004, breaking an 86-year drought.

Epstein, at the time, was the youngest General Manager in Major League Baseball.

Epstein's resignation stunned the Red Sox and their fans, as it appeared that the General Manager was about to sign a new contract. Rumors have suggested that Epstein bristled at not having autonomy and would continue having to report to Lucchino, his mentor.

Since the resignation, a constant buzz as been growing that Epstein will return to the Red Sox and, up until yesterday, in the role of filling the still vacant GM position. And Lucchino did nothing to dismiss the rumors, saying;

I would be 'fair to say there have been some general discussions about Theo coming back, but premature to discuss what role, if any, Theo could have.

''All we're saying is we'll keep the light on in the window, the door ajar, and if there's a fit, we'd like to see it happen."

'We've put the lights on here in Iraq," said Talabani. 'Our doors are open and we would welcome Mr. Epstein and his expertise."

The Iraqis, and the Bush Administration are preparing now for another war front - the bidding frenzy that will likely erupt on bringing Epstein to the Iraq Government.

Lucchino, and his two new co-General Managers, responded back to the Iraqis, attempting to steer them away from Epstein and gauging their interest in slugger Manny Ramirez, who, again, has asked to be traded, a move the Red Sox would like to accomplish , if only to unburden the team from Ramirez's huge contract.

There have been unconfirmed reports that New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is in talks with a number of Mid-East countries, as to bringing in "Yankee-style government" as a means to keep pace with bitter rivals, the Red Sox.

Commissioner Bud Selig is expected to approve the arrangement of Iraq co-Presidents and the Red Sox, so far, have not asked for any compensation.

To build up their own War Chest, the Red Sox announced today, that, as of the beginning of the 2006 season, fans will be charged $2.50 to look at Fenway Park from the outside, if they are not holding tickets.

The Red Sox, who have been aggressively renovating and expanding Fenway Park, as well as purchasing property around Fenway Park and entering commercial development deals. It's all part of their master plan to maximize revenue for baseballs smallest venue.

Lucchino confirmed the $2.50 "View Charge" and indicated that any person can purchase 'Red Sox Blinders' if they want to avoid having to pay the fee. The Red Sox have invested in sophisticated high technology and have a system in place that can determine if passerby's are taking "peeks or glimpses" of the famous ballpark.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), responding for the Democrats, criticized the Iraq co-President move as "another example of the President not having a plan". Reid also cautioned the Iraqi's to "watch your wallets".

"This President, as an owner of a baseball team, extorted a city to build him a new stadium, and then turned around an sold the team at an obscene profit. Be careful that you don't build a new country, only to have President Bush turn around and sell off Iraq."

With widespread critical acclaim, and after receiving 7 Golden Globe nominations this morning, Tom Cruise was spotted running to catch a screening of "Brokeback Mountain"

Top Ten Cloves: What Saudi Prince Gets For Giving Harvard $20-Million

10. Guess which Ivy League school doesn't have to pay for its' heating oil anymore as long as a certain student gets all "A's"?

9. He gets to meet Ali McGraw, but no commitments that "Love Story, The Sequel" will come out of it

8. Camel Racing is now a new Ivy League sport

7. Harvard will develop new, state-of-art, robotic jockeys for the camel racing

6. Harvard will put all their best brains to work on figuring out how EuroDisney can make money

5. No more Weidner; It's now called the "Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal" Library

4. He can fill Harvard Yard with as much sand as he wants

3. Respects Harvard President Larry Summer's views on woman

2. Gets to give the Bush Family shit whenever Harvard beats Yale

1. To be able to say "I pahked my cah in Hahvid Yahd" without a trace of accent

Monday, December 12, 2005

Monday 12 December 2005

White House, GOP Deny Obama Charge; Call For "Intelligent Ownership" Alternatives

Voucher Program For Private Schools To Offer Curriculum "Since Public Schools Won't Be Around Much Longer"

In a keynote address at the annual meeting of Florida Democrats at Walt Disney World Saturday evening, Illinois Senator Barak Obama charged that the Republicans controling the Federal Government are practicing "Social Darwinism", drawing sharp criticism from White House, the GOP and Televangelist Pat Robertson this morning.

Obama (D-IL), the only African American in the U.S. Senate, offered the gathering the glaring example of how "some Hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans still live in cars while Republicans in Washington prepare next week to enact $70 billion in tax breaks".

"It's sink or swim," said the recently Grammy-nominated Senator.

As Reuters reported, Obama stated "It's called the 'Ownership society' in Washington. This isn't the first time this philosophy has appeared. It used to be called Social Darwinism."

This morning, the White House criticized Obama for "exploiting the issue of Hurricane Katrina" and that he was "appropriating the President's agenda for 2006."

"The President", offered White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "will be submitting to the new Congress after the holiday break a comprehensive plan for 'Intelligent Ownership'."

A short time later, in her own press conference, Department of Education Secretary Margaret Spellings confirmed that the Administration is "laying out" an "Intelligent Ownership" plan.

"It's at the top of the list", said Spellings. "It very comprehensive and it will have a Voucher Program with it, for private schools to offer 'Intelligent Ownership' alternatives, since we can't count on public schools being around much longer."

In keeping with the President's vision for "Intelligent Ownership, Spellings clarified that the "Voucher Program is more, or less, moral support. The private schools will have to pick up the tab for it, or get sponsorships to implement the program".

President Bush set off a firestorm of controversy earlier this summer, when speaking with a group of Texas reporters, the President advocate that he believed "Intelligent Design" should be taught in schools, alongside with the competing theories of evolution.

A broad spectrum of the scientific community is critical of "Intelligent Design", saying there is no scientific evidence to support it, no education value in teaching it and that it is false marketing effort to introduce religious and Chrisitian thinking to students.

Fred Spilhaus, executive director of the American Geophysical Union (AGU) said that "what the president has done is give impetus to people who would like to push their side of this agenda, and that's a real problem."

"President confuses science and belief, puts schoolchildren at risk."

The American Institute of Biological Sciences, the American Physical Society and the American Astronomical Society also released statements saying that intelligent design has no place in the science classroom.

In September, the issue went into the court system after a Dover, PA school board was sued, over the seperation of Church-and-State, for requiring students to hear about Intelligent Design in a biology class.

In a subsequent election, the entire schoold board was voted out-of-office, drawing the ire of Conservative Christian televangelist Pat Robertson, who warned the citizens of Dover, PA “I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city,” on his daily television show “The 700 Club.”

Obama stated to the Florida Democrats that "they have a philosophy they have implemented and that is doing exactly what it was designed to do. They basically don't believe in government. They have a different philosophy that says, 'We're going to dismantle government'."

Naming the Republican Party directly, Obama charged that they believe, "You are on your own to buy your own health care, to buy your own retirement security ... to buy your own roads and levees."

When apprised of Obama's comments, Robertson declined comment, saying only that "I hope the good Senator doesn't need God's help anytime soon."

Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman, slammed Obama, saying that "he's following Lieberman, since the Democrats have no ideas of their own to implement."

"This is more of the Democratic Party's 'rejectionist' vision," said Mehlman. "They can't accept how the President has established a strong foreign policy, with bringing democracy and victory to Iraq so they are not going to get behind the President's strong and clear domestic policies."

"Maybe he has stardust in his eyes," offered Mehlman. "He's up for a Grammy Award so he's probably been hanging out with those liberal Hollywood-types."

In Washington, Bob Woodward, Washington Post reporter and author, told his editor and colleagues that he'd be "really envious of Obama if he wins that Grammy."

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney said, according to the White House, that they "enjoyed very much" the private screening of "Brokeback Mountain" and that it "brought back some good memories from some days down in Crawford"

The White House insisted the President was referring to the work of clearing brush and horse riding only

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Wikipedia Plans To Beef up Security for Entries

10. Ordering a new program, very similar to the security used by credit card companies

9. Nothing, but will add new section on that troublemaker, John Seigenthaler

8. All entries must now be handwritten and submitted by mail

7. Unknown, can't reach Founder Jimmy Wales; Police believe he fled on bus to New Mexico or Las Vegas

6. "Hey, you're either with us or against us"

5. Goodbye Open Source and Hello Paid Entry Fees!

4. Must deliver entries in-person, have four pieces of identification and submit to DNA and Drug Testing

3. Only "brainy, egghead types" can make entries from now on

2. Will ask Match.Com what they did to get past their "fake profiles" and "rigged dates" scandal

1. Have to wait until the Iraqi company they outsourced to has trained enough people to work the site by themselves