Friday 11 February 2005

Lock-Out Bogus; NHL Playing Full Schedule In Secret

As league officials and the Players Association conduct their much reported futile negoations, The Garlic has learned from sources that the National Hockey League has been playing their full 2004-2005, as scheduled, in secret, before an audience of family members and team officials but otherwise empty arenas

Sources indicated that play is just as fierce and spirited, with all the trash-talk and swearing clearly audible. Ottawa and Toronto are vying for the lead in the Eastern Confernce, while Dallas and Colorado battle neck-and-neck in the Western Conference.

Remarkable to all is the play of aging superstar, and team owner, Mario LeMieux of the Pittsburg Penguins. Though in the middle of the standings, LeMieux has netted 59 goals in just half a season, putting him on pace to reach the magic 100-mark, or more.

League and team officials have declined comment on the reports.

As one source offered;

'With the exception of a handful of cities, they were playing in front of nobody anyway … The TV audience isn't there … So, they said, what the heck, let's just go out and play"


Krispy Kreme Turning Off The Light; Doughnuts To Be Room Temperature

Racked with deeply decling sales, plummetting stock prices and massive layoffs, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts is turning off its' famous 'Hot' sign. Effective immediately, all doughnuts, in all locations, will be served at room temperature.

A company spokesperson indicated this is just one in a series of cost-cutting moves by the struggling North Carolina-based doughnut maker. From 1937, when the first red 'Hot' sign flicked on, to 1996, when they first began their national expansion, and, in 2001, when Krispy Kreme became the darlings of Wall Street in holding their Initial Public Offering of common stock, all the buzz was about hot doughnuts.

The cost-savings will be substantial, the spokesperson offered, with not having to heat, or refrigerate the light textured, glazed doughnuts.

"I suppose", the spokesperson said, "that if you happen to go the your Krispy Kreme store, just as the doughnuts are coming out of the cooker, you might be able to get some that are still a bit warm. You can take them home and heat them up yourself".


Parker-Bowles Steams Over Missed Title

With the announcement of the pending wedding of Prince Charles to his long-time paramour, Carmela Parker-Bowles, rumors from Buckingham Palace are circulating the Parker-Bowles is furious over her ranking.

At the insistance of the Queen, Mrs. Parker-Bowles will be addressed as Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall and, upon the day Charles becomes King, Mrs. Parker Bowles will be called the Princess Consort.

Unindentified sources have Mrs. Parker-Bowles "raging and livid" at the snub

Reportedly, Mrs. Parker-Bowles ranted " … I've been bopping the Prince of Wales for 30-years and now I'm marrying him - that makes me his Princess … I don't care what that old bag says …" She reportedly added "when Charles becomes King, you can bet your bottom that I'll be sitting there next to him as Queen …"

When apprised of the alledged comments from Mrs. Parker-Bowles, Buckingham Palace offered no comment.

Top Ten Other Things Barry Bonds Didn't Realize He Was Doing

10. Thought Steriods was a new Sci-Fi Video Game
9. Can't understand why the Nigerian Prince hasn't sent the money like he said he would in the email message
8. Wasn't boycotting media - Pills he took made him hear all their questions in Russian
7. Voted for George Bush
6. Was Pete Rose's gambling buddy
5. Had the understanding that the cream he was using would hide wrinkles
4. Got Stock Tips from Martha Stewart
3. Took Viagra also, because he was told it would help him with his bat
2. Honestly thought that was what was meant by 'needling your teamates' in the clubhouse
1. Is in favor of Same-Sex Marriage and got hitched to Jason Giambi

Thursday 10 February 2005

Iraqi Exit Polls Results Coming Soon

With over 7,000 candidates, covering some 111 parties competing and campaigning in the historic January Iraqi vote, Exit Poll results may soon be announced, with the official results of the elections still weeks away.

Spokesman for the Iraqi electoral commission, Farid Ayar, indicated that translation issues, violence and petty squabbles between Sunni's and Shiite's have prevented the commission from releasing any news indicating who may have been the choices of the long-suffering Iraqi voters.

"I know it's a western tradition to prognosticate on who might be the winner, but, really, we're still waiting for electricity and running water".

Pope Not Hunched … It's A Hobby

The recent illness of Pope John Paul prompted a bevy of inquires to the Vatican, not only about the health status of the Pontiff, but if his illness had anything to do with his seemingly constant 'hunched' position.

A Vatican spokesperson assured the inquirers that the Pope was recovering nicely from his bout with the Flu and no, that the Pope has no back or bone ailments.

As to the Pontiff's hunching, the Vatican offered that, a few years ago, the Pope received as a birthday gift, a metal detector and, has taken to using it constantly and keeping it under his robes. While aides have encouraged the Pope not to use it in his public appearances, the Pope just waives them off.

"He's absolutely enthralled with it", the spokesperson offered. "We can't get it away from him".

When asked if the Pope has found anything of value, the spokesperson indicated no, "just a few odd coins, some broken watches … nothing of real value".


Rove Promotion Brings Firings, New Hires

Flexing his considerable political muscles, newly appointed Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove has fired a number of long-time Bush White House staffers and is filling the West Wing with his own appointments.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan confirmed the moves and indicated it was "standard procedure" for senior staff members to hire their own staffers.

Joining the new Deputy Rove are long-time associates Ty Coon, Muskie the Muskrat and Vincent Van Gopher


Super Bowl Advertiser, Ad Agency Hit With Animal Cruelty Charges

Heralded as, perhaps, the best and funniest ads run during this years' Fox Networks broadcast of the 39th Super Bowl, Ameriquest Mortgage, and their Ad Agency, DDB Worldwide (owned by the Omnicom Group) are facing charges that a male cat used in the filming of one of their television spots was actually murdered.

Hollywood sources are quoting a production assistance used by DDB that the actor actually stabbed and mutilated the white feline used in Ameriquest's 'Don't Judge Too Quickly' campaign.

The spot aired during the Super Bowl, depicted a harried male cooking dinner and, just as his wife/girlfriend enters the apartment, the couples' white cat knocks over the pot of tomato sauce, prompting the young man, holding a knife he was cutting vegetables with, to pick up the tomato-stained cat by the scruff of his neck, giving the now-horrified woman the vision of a butchered cat.

"That wasn't tomato sauce" the unidentified production assistant told law enforcement officials. "The actor was really weird … Mumbling during the shooting … Stuff about Satan and needing to make a sacrifice. Before anyone could do anything, he just started slicing the cat … There was a lot of commotion, screaming … It was pretty ugly.

The Los Angeles District Attorney and the SPCA are investigating and, spokespersons for Fox, Ameriquest Mortgage, DDB and Omnicom declined comment on the charges.


Vermont Teddy Bear Company Continuing Controversial Line

After enduring a storm of controversery from health advocates over its' "Crazy For You" teddy bear, and leading President Elisabeth Robert to resign from the board of a Vermont hospital, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company announced plans to continue with its' line of 'social and cultural' teddy bears.

With selling out the line of the straight-jacketed, love-struck teddy bear, rather then produce more, the company will expand the line with new offerings.

Included in the new line are;

Crack Bear - a disheveled, wide-eyed, spiked-hair teddy bear, with detachable straws and needles

Homeless Bear - special, water-resistent fabric so that the raggedly-dressed bear can be left outdoors

Right-Wing Bear - bible-toting bear, dressed in hunter vest, fatigues and NRA baseball cap (optional vehicle with NASCAR decal)

The company indicate the new line should be availble by Spring.

Wednesday 9 February 2005

Boston Mayor Calls for Rolling Rallys 24/7/365

Buoyed by the success of hometown teams, the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots, winning the World Series and back-to-back Super Bowls respectively in the span of one year - and the subsequent victory parades in downtown Boston - Mayor Tom Menino has called for 'Rolling Rallies' every day of the week.

"It's been a cash cow for the City of Boston", cited the long-term Mayor. "Sponsors have been pouring money into the city coffers for these Rolling Rallies, so, why not keep doing them".

Using the vintage World War II amphibious landing vehicles of the popular Boston Duck Tours as rolling platforms, millions have lined the streets of crowded downtown Boston to hail their sports champions. The Mayor is looking to seize the opportunity to augment his budget and, actually turn a profit.

"Hey, we don't need a sports championship to do this, we can celebrate anything", offered the Mayor in defense of his plan. "We have religious holidays, historic holidays … Let's have a Rolling Rally for Paul Revere … It will be better than the horse ride thing we do … And we don't have 'horse pies' to clean up after we do it".


Kilts, Gillette Board Vote For All Profits

Despite criticism over the need to merge with Proctor & Gamble, CEO James Kilts and the Board of Directors secretly voted themselves to receive the equivalent of an entire years' profits from Gillette.

Kilts, and board members, which included finance guru Warren Buffet, will receive billions in cash and stock options at the completion of the merger with Cincinnati-based P&G.

In a statement released today, Kilts offered an assessment of the compensation package.

"We didn't need to merge as Gillette has been very profitable on its' own. However, the opportunity this presented to enrich ourselves was just too good to pass up. We're making a killing and we have no second thoughts about it .. It's the way to do business … The American way of life …"


Romney Calls For Closing of Big Dig; Old Expressway To Be Re-Built

Citing horrendous cost over-runs, scandal and repairs that will run into the billions, Governor Mitt Romney is putting together a commission that will close down the Big Dig Project and replace it with the old Southeast Expressway.

"We have to face the facts that this is a project that just hasn't worked", offered Romney. "There's been corruption, shoddy work, delays and repairs that will cost us billions of dollars and many more years before it is complete. We're looking at years of litigation to get our money back. Better to cut our losses, close it down and put the old expressway back in place.

Romney cited that the metal columns and frames from the old, 1950's road have been saved, and it will be fractions of the cost to rebuild the elevated highway over repairing the new modern Big Dig tunnels.

"I think", Romney added, "that people will embrace this. Traffic congestion as been a very rich tradition in the City of Boston and people will look forward to bringing back this piece of history."

Top Ten Bush Incentives To Open A Private Social Security Account

10. Lead a Mock-Impeachment of Senator John Kerry

9. Secret Service uses your name as a code for a day (gift CD of recording provided)

8. Take the controls of piloting Air Force One; Buzz your boss's house with a 747

7. Extend Martha Stewart's jail sentence

6. Tour, and get to see the aliens and spacecrafts at Area 51(sorry, no cameras or recording devices allowed)

5. Write an FBI file on your neighbor

4. Toke a few spliffs of the weed the President stashed in 1968

3. Day running the FCC; Put anything you want on television

2. Get your National Guard files expunged

1. Pick the next country the Bush Administration will invade

Top Ten Things about Yassir Arafat's Investments

10. Upset that he was too busy waging war when he could have bought Polaroid at three

9. Lobbied for seat on New York Stock Exchange; Wanted to change opening from bell ringing
to shooting gun

8. Had long-time secret crush on Hall-of-Fame legendary bowler Earl Anthony

7. Got stock tips from Martha Stewart before she was locked-up

6. Standard Rule - Now can blame missing 7-10-split on Israeli occupation and aggression

5. Just liked investing in companies that 'knocked things down

4. Aides weren't sure what was going to happen when Arafat talked about 'splitting stocks'

3. Thought the Bowling Alley investment was good because it showed 'big balls'

2. Six suicide bombers are roaming the Mideast looking for 'Port Folio'

1. Had special 'Bowling Turbans' made up to match the shoes

I'll Have Some Wheat Toast With That iPod

New York Aug 4 - Following Mieli's stunning debut last month of the dishwasher-compatible iPod, Procter-Silex announced a new partnership with Apple Computer and is releasing the iPod SmartToaster today.

'We took a hard look at the Mieli Dishwasher iPod and was quite impressed, a Procter-Silex company spokesperson said. "The 'Quiet Cycle' that automatically offered Windham Hill tunes … The Heavy Soil cycle blasting Metallica … We saw a lot of compatibility with our toaster line".

The iPod SmartToaster, with extra-wide slots, now has a 4-gig, programmable iPod and is available in a variety of colors to match your kitchen décor.

"When the kids are warming up some Pop Tarts, they can listen to Brittney Spears … Toasting a bagel? What better accompaniment than Klezmer music".

It's reported that Apple will soon announce a licensing deal with Cuisinart and Blackberry, for an iPod Food Processor that's also a PDA and Cellphone.

Copyright 2004 JTD