Saturday, February 18, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 18 February 2006

Newly released records from the Nixon Library show that the former President lifted his famous "V For Victory" salute from the late, legendary comedian, Lenny Bruce

Steve Colbert, host of Comedy Central's "Colbert Report" is coming under fire for attempting to franchise his word "truthiness"

Critics say, over the past three-weeks, Colbert has introduced and used "hundreds of times" the words "truthiful" "truthiwhere" and "truthified".

Colbert has denied the charges, saying that they are "completely untruthi"

Lewis "Scooter" Libby denied that he and his legal team are attempting to "Graymail" special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, saying that he will petition the court for the entire contents of the Library of Congress to prove the charge false

Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh defended conservative right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, saying he also has voted in the wrong location

Limbaugh blamed his voting error on prescription drugs

The White House went on the offensive today, releasing photos of indicted Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff's closet

The State Department also released a photo, showing former Secretary of State Colin Powell declining an invitation from Vice President Dick Cheney to go hunting

Friday, February 17, 2006

Bush To Change Legal Landscape

White House Primed To Replace "Miranda" With New, "Cheney Decision"

Says Still Tough On Crime; Won't Be Applicable For Rounded-Up Terror Suspects - "That's What Patriot Act Is For"

The White House, contrary to speculation, has spent the week quietly working with the Justice Department, and the senior leadership of the Republican Congress, writing briefs, opinions and preparing legislation that will replace the "Miranda Decision" with a new, "Cheney Decision", a source told The Garlic this morning.

The new "Cheney Decision" will allow persons of a certain income level the benefit of not being interviewed by law enforcement officials, following an incident or accident, for 12-hours, and in some cases, up to 36-hours

"They're attaching all sorts of provisos to it," said the source, who works in the Justice Department. "It won't, in most cases, be available for the average citizen … They're gearing it to the fat cats, upper income people, government officials and the like."

Another element of the "Cheney Decision" is that law enforcement officials are forbidden, during this 12-to-36-hour period refer to their subject to be interviewed as a "suspect" or a "person of interest"

After Cheney shot his friend, fellow hunter Harry Whittington, this past weekend, he was not interviewed by the local police for nearly 15-hours.

Cheney Decision Strives for "Accuracy" In Charges

The new 'Cheney Decision" won't have any impact on the Bush Administration's War On Terror, or their "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq". The White House is preparing a full-court press on presenting the new "Cheney Decision",

"Terror suspects will still be rounded up, said the source. "That's what the Patriot Act is for."

"They are going to say that it is still tough on crime," added the source. "It will be in the light that the law is aimed at making sure the story of the incident is as accurate as possible, especially if it is a complicated story, like the Vice President's shooting of his hunting friend … That's where they got the name for it."

President Had "Eureka Moment"

President Bush was said to have a "eureka' moment", similar to the one he had when he first hired Katherine Armstrong to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Commission back in 1999, as reported today by Arianna Huffington, early Sunday morning, as the White House struggled to find a way to spin the news of Cheney's shooting.

Armstrong is owner of the ranch where the shooting occurred, and was an eyewitness to it, from approximately 100-yards away.

Sources have told The Garlic, that in the early hours of Sunday Morning, Karl Rove prepared a smear campaign against Harry Whittington, questioning his service in the military and that Whittington "might be gay". Rove also proposed "bugging" Whittington's hospital room, in order to get more, fresh information on him to use.

They decided to let Cheney handle it, as he did, launching the new White House Media Strategy of releasing breaking news to small, local news outlets, while the President summoned Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to the White House to get working on his new idea for the "Cheney Decision".

Miranda Was Precident For Nearly Four Decades

The Miranda Decision has been law since 1966, coming out of the case of Ernesto Miranda versus Arizona from 1963. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a suspect being questioned by the police must be informed that "they have the right to remain silent and the right to consult an attorney, and that anything they say may be used against them in court", protecting a suspect's Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

"It will still carry the rights inherent in Miranda," said Dix Whitcomb, editor of the newsletter "Our Laws Are Different", but it will known now as the 'Cheney Decision'. This won't have any effect on current or past cases."

"For instance," added Whitcomb, "Scooter Libby. He can't use the 'Cheney Decision' for his current charges. But if the special prosecutor hits him with new charges, likely he'll get that 36-hour window before they get a chance to talk to him about it."

There was no comment from Vice President Cheney, about having a law named after him.

It is being reported that Cheney has "locked himself" in his Secret Bunker and is unreachable, with even President Bush not being able to communicate with him.

While some legal scholars question if the new "Cheney Decision" will stand up as law, sources say that the White House is "eagerly hoping" for a case using it to make it's way to the Supreme Court.

"You've got the new dynamic duo of Roberts and Alito now," said Whitcomb, "and let's not forget fellow Cheney hunting partner, Antonio Scalia. They have no worries the court won't uphold the law."

The new "Cheney Decision" law will prevent police from carting away people of means, giving them a 12-36-hour window before they can be questioned

Law enforcement will also be unable to call people that are to be interviewed, following accidents or incidents, "suspects" or "persons-of-interest"

Top Ten Cloves: White House Reactions To United Nations Call To Close Gitmo

10. Don't those guys know we're only dealing with Cheney this week

9. Who's left on the "Scapegoat List" that we can pin Gitmo on?

8. If we do release them, we do it in Baghdad and put T-Shirts on them with the Mohammad cartoon … Likely that will be that

7. How come the wiretaps didn't pick this up, let us know it was coming?

6. Could merge it into Homeland Security … Chertoff's got that place so screwed up, it would, essentially, be like closing it

5. What the hell are we paying Bolton for! … He's supposed to keep those clowns in line!

4. Easy solution - We can always send Cheney down there, hunting

3. I don't know if Kofi Annans' gay, ask Karl

2. Get Blair to back us up, release a statement or something, that these U.N guys are talking out of their asses

1. Let's pull out the plan to reclassify the Gitmo prisoners as Halliburton employees … That will buy us a few months

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Breaking News - Bush Going After Eulogizers!

Justice Department Launching Investigation Into Reverend Lowery, Mrs, King

Need To Find Leak and How They Knew Of No WMD's; Other Eulogizers May Be Questioned

The Garlic has learned today the Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and the Justice Department, from the express direction of President Bush, will pursue charges against Reverand Joseph Lowery and the late Corretta Scott King.

The announcement is to come this weekend, under the new White House's New Media Plan, with it being released in a small market newspaper and by a private citizen. Sources tell The Garlic that both the newspaper and citizen haven't been determined yet, but will likley be "in the Mid-West somewhere."

"It's a long, holiday weekend," said the source, "so there may be additional delay in it hitting the wires."

The charges are reported to be the unauthorized release of classified material, and, potentially, treason and/or being deemed an enemy combatant.

President Bush directed Gonzales and the Justice Department to look into Lowery, and the late Mrs. King, following the funneral, where the President was blasted and heavily criticized by a number of eulogizers, including Lowery, and former President Jimmy Carter.

"They are still considering," added the source, who works on Capital Hill, "on possible indicting Carter as well."

The Justice Department is said to have "reams of evidence", including possible wiretaps, and the video of Lowery saying, openly;

"We know now there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Correta knew and we know that there are weapons of misdirection right down here. Millions without health insurance. Poverty abounds. For war billions more but no more for the poor."

The White House lashed back the following day, with White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan declaring that "President Bush believes that hindsight alone is not wisdom and eulogies are not a strategy."

"They want to find out," said the source, "if there's a new leak, or, if Cheney, or someone else okayed the release of this classified information… Or, if Lowery and Mrs. King has been giving aid to our enemies. The President is still pretty steamed about this and wants someone's head for it."

More details of the charges will emerge, once the new White House Media Strategy is triggered for the second time.

The first use of it came this past week, with the shooting of Harry Whittington by fellow hunter, Vice President Dick Cheney, when they set into motion a private citizen releasing the news of the shooting to her local paper.

Host and ranch owner where the shooting occurred, Katharine Armstrong, called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times to give an eye-witness account of the mishap, under the approval and direction of Vice President Cheney.

In his first public appearance and accounting of the shooting, on Fox News yesterday, Cheney defended the new White House Media Strategy, saying " … And I thought that was the right call"

When questioned what he thought about it now, following a firestorm of inquires from the national media, as well as members of his own Republican Party, Cheney said "Well, I still do. I still think that the accuracy was enormously important."

In a related matter, Washington Post reporter, and author, Bob Woodward said today that he knew about "Cheney shooting someone" over two-years ago, but chose to remain quiet about it.

"To be honest, I was sitting on a lot of other stories at the time and, I guess, I just lost track of them."

Edna and Marie St. Pierre, sisters, of Maple Grove, Minnesota, are rumored to be the next private citizens to release breakings news from the Bush Administration, under their new White House Media Plan

Cheney Shooting Round-Up

Shooting Incident By VP Is Far From Being In It's "Final Throes"

Some things to look for that will be popping up, regarding Vice President Dick Cheney's shooting of fellow hunter, Harry Whittington

Dr. Phil - Jerry Springer To Team Up For Special

Newly christened love guru, Dr. Phil, will be teaming up with trailer park trash host Jerry Springer for a special, Pay-Per-View program on "Vice Presidents Who Shoot Innocent Victims" … No word yet if Cheney will be appearing, but the producers boast they've got Former VP's Dan Quayle and Al Gore lined up … And the chairs will be bolted to the floor …

Extreme Makeover - Home Edition White House-Style

The popular ABC program scored big this week, landing both President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, who will walk host Ty Pennington through making over a classified document, into a declassified one … Pennington isn't saying if there'll be a bombshell scoop or not …

Judge Oprah

Media mogul Oprah Winfrey, and her new home, XM Radio, are putting up a unspecified amount of cash (rumored to be in the seven-figures), to have Vice President Dick Cheney sit down with Oprah, one-on-one, for a "James Frey-style" interview, that will be broadcast exclusively on XM Radio

VP Ringtones

Verizon Wireless is reporting they'll soon be offering "Vice President Ringtones" for their customers to download … Two choices will be available - "I'm the one that pulled the trigger" and "I shot my friend" …

Ziggy Marley Releasing New, Tweaked Classic

Ziggy Marley, son of the legendary reggae star, Bob Marley, will re-release, with his band, The Melody Makers, his father's classic, "I Shot The Sheriff", as "I Shot The Hunter" …

Oh, I shot the hunter, but I swear it was accident
Ooh, no, ooh
I said, I shot the hunter, but I swear it was an accident
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Hear this

Media Press always hated me
For what I don't know
Ev'ry time I plant a rumor
They say "Liar, before it grows"
They say "Liar, before it grows"

Top Ten Cloves: Difficulties DC Comics' Batman May Have Fighting Osama bin Laden

10. Batman has to deal with U.N and sign treaties with Middle East countries for rights to flash the "Bat Signal" over their skies

9. Major hurricane will flood Gotham City, causing fight with FEMA to pay for temporary Batcave

8. Likely Donald Rumsfield won't give him body armor either

7. If he sticks to the script, he'll veer off and get bogged down fighting insurgents in Iraq

6. Danish editorial cartoonists start drawing unflattering and insulting images of Batman, causing riots in malls across the world

5. Building coalition of other comics to help him only nets Bazooka Joe and Zippy

4. Running around in tights in the Middle East is going to cause some … well ... personal hygiene problems

3. Sidekick Robin will beat-to-death and overuse the "Holy Mushroom Clouds, Batman" phrase

2. Year into fight, standing on deck of Bat Boat, wearing Bat Flight Suit, Batman, prematurely, cites "Mission Accomplished"

1. Batman's biggest supporter, Commissioner Gordon, accidentally shoots a friend while hunting

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

More Discord In The White House

White House At Odds With Groundhog Hire, Handlers Over Cheney Shooting

Bush Said To Be "Livid, As Famous Prognosticator 'Never Tipped Us Off"; UK's Blair Said To Be Frantic For Direction

There is more discord in the White House this morning, as sources tell The Garlic that President Bush is "livid" that their famous new hire, the prognosticating groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, never "tipped us off" as to the weekend, and growing controversial, shooting by Vice President Dick Cheney of his fellow hunter.

Earlier this month, The Garlic broke the story of the Bush Administration's hiring of the infamous Gobbler's Knobb resident, who was to bolster the President's foreign policy decisions, after a long string of errors, missteps and miscalculations.

"We've been caught too many times by surprises," offered White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett at the time of the hiring, "we had to do something to get back on track."

Punxsutawney Phil was to join the White House staff immediately following his forecast of six more weeks of winter.

According to sources close to the Administration, the hiring has been "an outright disaster."

"The rodent, or whatever it is," said the source, who works on Capital Hill and has dealings with the White House, "does nothing but eat and sleep all day - and they have to stock this special "groundhog punch" for the thing to drink… Some kind of secret recipe."

Punxsutawney Phil is a rodent, from the Marmota monax line and is closely related to woodchucks and squirrels.

"The West Wing staff has been going crazy, trying to get the thing to do something … Give a grunt, point to something, anything that they could use to show that it was worth bringing him in."

Handlers Brought In Saturday Night

As soon as the news of Vice President Cheney's shooting came into the White House, which, according to reports, was around 7:30PM, Punxsutawney Phil's handlers from Gobbler's Knobb, PA were called in, to get the marmot working on a solution of what to do about the Cheney incident.

The pair of handlers arrived at the White House shortly before 10:00PM and, for the next 4-hours, they and White House staff cajoled, prodded, fed and did just about everything imaginable to get Punxsutawney Phil to offer something, but the marmot did nothing, even remotely close.

With tension, and tempers rising, this led to fierce arguments between the handlers and West Wing people.

President Bush was said to be notified shortly after 1:00AM that there was no progress coming from the groundhog and was said to be "livid" and demanding to know why he, and the White House were not "tipped off" that the Cheney shooting was coming.

According to the source, Bush ordered that Punxsutawney Phil be removed from the White House and there is no confirmation if that was carried out or not.

British Prime Minister Blair Looking To Bush For Guidance

As the efforts to get Punxsutawney Phil working were underway, the White House, and President Bush's private line, was being bombard with calls from British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Blair, President Bush's closest ally in the War On Terror, was said to be "frantic" with the news of the Vice President's shooting.

"First off," said another source, who works in the White House, "Blair wanted to confirm the information. Once that happened, he badgered Bush for direction on what to do."

Blair, allegedly, as there is no confirmation, with all news of the shooting coming from the owner of the ranch where the shooting occurred, kept asking President Bush if he [Blair] "needed to go out and accidentally shoot someone … If it was somehow related to the coalition, or a new policy."

VP Office Had List Ready

Another source of irritation developed early Sunday morning, between the West Wing and the Vice President's office, and before the news of Cheney's shooting was given to the local Corpus Christi, TX newspaper, the Corpus Christi Caller-Times.

Allegedly, the Vice President's office became aware of Blair's calls to the President, possibly through wiretaps from the NSA, and, at one point during a call with Blair, President Bush was handed a sheet of paper with a list on it.

"There were about 30, or 40 countries on it, with names of the President, Prime Minister or whoever was running the country." said the source, "and a second column with other names, that the said leader could shoot."

The Vice President's office would only say that they prepared a "Coalition of Hunters" that could support Mr. Cheney.

"The list recommended that Blair shoot George Galloway."

Galloway, a Respect Member of Parliament (MP) for Bethnal Green and Bow, has been a harsh critic of both Blair and Bush, as well as the War in Iraq.

It's not clear if the list came directly for Cheney himself, or from his office.

"This shows just how much disarray there is over there," said the source.

"If this happened a few months ago, before Scooter Libby was indicted, there wouldn't be a hardcopy of a list. Scooter would have walked over to the White House and given it verbally, and then go out and leak it to Judith Miller."

Vice President Dick Cheney's office suggested that British Prime Minister Tony Blair could continue his support of the Bush Administration, and the wounding of Cheney's hunting buddy, by shooting PM George Galloway

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Dick Cheney Chose Fox News To Give First Accounting Of Shooting

10. Can you say … Softballs!

9. Knew he could get Fred Barnes to lick his shoes

8. Don't know … Karl Rove said "go here" and I was just following orders

7. Janet Jones bet me I'd never talk about it

6. Didn't realize it was Fox News, thought it was the RNC Channel

5. What did you think, that I was going to give it to that NBC guy, David Gregory?

4. Knows Fox News will run endless loops of interview segments, and make me look like a good, stand-up guy

3. Just another recommendation from Katherine Armstrong … She's calling the shots

2. Bill O'Reilly promised to launch a "War To Save Dick Cheney"

1. Pretty obvious … Scooter's indicted and Judy Miller isn't at The Times anymore

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

White House To Manage Media

New White House Press Strategy On VP Shooting Deemed "Smashing Success"

Expect More Reports From Average Citizens, Local Papers Breaking News; President May Board Up Press Room

Despite the first photo of President Bush and Jack Abramoff appearing yesterday, the White House was buoyant this morning, over the "smashing success" of their new media strategy, which debuted this weekend with the incident of Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a fellow hunter in Texas.

"It was alittle rocky, with the briefing," admitted White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "however, I would have to say the new strategy was a smashing success."

What the White House did was to wait and hold the news of the Cheney's shooting for nearly 18-hours, and then, sailing into, essentially, unprecedented waters, boldly allow a private citizen to release the news to her local paper.

"We were able to keep this away from the Sunday news show cycle," added McClellan.

With the shooting of Texas Republican lawyer Harry Whittington lawyer by the Vice President occurring at 5:30PM on Saturday, it wasn't until nearly 11AM on Sunday that host and ranch owner, Katharine Armstrong called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times to give an eye-witness account of the mishap.

According to the Washington Post, the Vice President left it up to Armstrong to release the news.

"In a telephone interview, Armstrong said that she, her mother and her sister, Sara Storey Armstrong Hixon, decided on Sunday morning after breakfast to report the shooting accident to the media. "It was my family's own volition, and the vice president agreed. We felt -- my family felt and we conferred as a family -- that the information needed to go public. It was our idea," Armstrong said."

The Post is also reporting the Mary Matalin, a member of WHIG inside the White House, worked with Cheney and the Armstrongs on the handling of the news of the shooting.

The White House would not comment if if Ms. Matalin believed that Mr. Whittington, the shooting victim, or any other members of the hunting party were racists.

"That's the beauty of this," said Dan Bartlett, counselor to the President, and former Communications Director. "Instead of managing the news, all we have to do is step back."

Bartlett said that the new media strategy was designed by himself, and White House Chief of Staff Andy Card.

"Andy's always looking for ways that we can market ourselves better."

White House Special Council, Karl Rove, also contributed to the new strategy, taking pieces of his "Post Sept. 11th Worldview" plan and plugging it in.

The new White House Media Strategy calls for the Administration, from the Oval Office down, through all departments, to have the participants in news events have autonomy to choose who delivers it and how. It calls for all newspapers - large or small circulation, dailies or weeklies, even internationals - to be considered for major scoops of news coming out of the White House and Bush Administration.

It also now calls for all major news events, treaty signings, policy decisions, just about anything that goes on with the White House, down through all departments, to be moved to weekends and announced through private citizens, in rural locations.

"The more rural," said Bartlett, "the longer window we have before it hits the news wires."

Post-It Notes not ruled out

"Everything is on the table," said Bartlett. "You can go down the list … Private citizens reporting news to big city papers, small town weeklies. I'd say even Senior Citizen activity schedules and school lunch pamphlets are in the loop for possible release outlets."

"And we haven't ruled out Post-It Notes," added Bartlett. "With the wide variety and styles of those things, we can easily get a press release put out on some of the larger ones."

McClellan confirmed that "the press briefing room could be boarded up."

"If this new media strategy takes off, I suspect we won't be needing that room anymore."

Throw Article II Out The Window

With the Bush White House increasingly wrapping themselves in secrecy, and seeking to broaden and strength their executive powers, Bartlett offered a startling admission.

"With this new press strategy, President Bush and Vice President Cheney will see less need to invoke Article II of the Constitution. You can throw that puppy right out the window."

"By the time the mainstream media gets the story, the full story, we'll be three stories down from them.

Former VP Given Protection

McClellan did say there was one snafu with launching the new White House Media Strategy.

"All the legs of it were not, initially, coordinated."

The Secret Service hadn’t been briefed on the new strategy, so, when the radio calls went out about a "vice-president shooting" teams were immediately dispatched to former Vice President Dan Quayle, to add a layer of extra protection.

A spokesman for Quayle said "he was grateful for the attention" and "wasn't worried about being in any danger."

Neither Bartlett or McClellan would confirm the rumors circulating yesterday that Jeff Gannon and Talon News would be gaining back their White House credentials.

"If that is to be news we would release," said McClellan, "you would have to wait until we choose a private citizen and a location to make that announcement. Who knows, if you check the wires this coming weekend, maybe there'll be something on it."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is pointing to the "smashing success" of the new White House Media Strategy, saying that "the press briefing room could be boarded up."

Coulter Cites Lost Opportunity

Coulter Says Sorry Cheney "Didn't Shoot A Raghead"

"Should Have Invited Clinton, Rall, Trudeau, and the NY Times and Really Made It A Good Day"

Conservative, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter says, today, that she's not understanding "what all the liberal fuss is", concerning the shooting incident involving Vice President Dick Cheney this past weekend.

"It was a hunting accident," said the paper-thin blonde bomber. "I mean, really, there are hundreds for these things every year. There's nothing special about just because it was Dick Cheney."

Coulter added "there'll probably be another Toles cartoon in the Post" and that she wishes "that more GOPers carried shotguns around Washington" so they could "do away with need for the mid-terms coming up this year."

Coulter is, reportedly, on "probation" with the Republican National Committee, and the Bush White House, after her comments last month that Justice John Paul Stevens should be poisoned.

Speaking at Philander Smith College in Arkansas, Coulter remarked that more conservative justices were needed on the Supreme Court to change the current law on abortion.

"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' crème brulee," Coulter said.

Coulter was called on the carpet by the White House, after it was determined that the Bush Administration had real consequences to deal with following her remarks.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff said that Coulters remarks, whether serious or a joke, have already caused "enormous ramifications".

"We have to go back to Congress now, for a Supplemental Budget increase," said Chertoff. "This could take some money away from our Katrina recovery efforts. It causes us a great deal of logistics, new equipment … For instance, we have to have a staff of new chefs and food tasters now for, not just the Supreme Court, but all the Federal Courts. We have to notify, then have workshops, for all the state agencies, to educate them on this new, Cream Brulee threat."

Lost Opportunity

This morning, Coulter also stated that the hunting trip take by Vice President Cheney was a "lost opportunity."

"He should have invited a few rag heads, along with Clinton, Rall, Trudeau and as many for the New York Times, and really made it a good day. He could have left Mr. Whittington alone."

In a speech last week annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) boasted "I think our motto should be post-9-11, 'raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences,' as well as bemoaning not taking a shot at former President Bill Clinton, in response to the Danish-Muslim Cartoon controversy, tied Ted Rall, Garry Trudeau and the New York Times to Iran's call for editorial cartoons lampooning and insulting the Holocaust.

Rall May Sue

Editorial cartoonist Ted Rall, in an interview with Editors & Publishers yesterday, indicated me may sue Coulter for her remarks.

Rall, on his blog, is soliciting advice from his readers on whether, or not, to sue Coulter, and asking for pledges totaling $6,000 needed to file the lawsuit.

In the E&P interview, Rall said people were voting roughly 3-1 in favor of suing and that "pledges are coming in fast."

"If pledges continue to come in at the present rate, I'll have the $6,000 available by tonight," Rall said. "A lot of people are fed up with how Coulter has turned slandering liberals into a cottage industry and want to see her held to account. I'm actually fairly overwhelmed by the response -- more than 300 pledges, many in the $20 to $100 range."

He added: "I'm getting so many e-mail pledges with the same subject line -- 'Sue Coulter' -- that I'm beginning to think her first name is Sue!"

Ironically, as E&P points out, the conservative Coulter is distributed by the Universal Press Syndicate, the same distributor for the liberal Rall and Trudeau.

New White House Press Policy Could Save Coulter

With the White House launching a new policy as to their media strategy, for Vice President Dick Cheney's shooting, Coulter may gain back the complete confidence of the Bush Administration.

"We certainly appreciate Ann's support and views," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

Dan Bartlett, counselor to the President, and former Communications Director, and one of the architects of the new White House Media Strategy, along with Chief of Staff Andy Card, said that Coulter could be "part of our plans."

"She's a private citizen, as well as a great journalist, said Bartlett, "That would most definitely qualify her to release breaking news for the Administration."

"And, added Bartlett, "I believe she has a winter ski cabin up in the mountains someplace, so that would fit in our plans perfectly. Likely there's a little, sleepy weekly paper there that could get the big scoop from her"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways U.S. and Israel Plan On Destabilizing Hamas-Led Palestinian Government

10. Force them to go on "American Idol" and get humiliated

9. Israel will take the $50-$55-million collected in taxes and customs duties and go blow it in Las Vegas

8. Release Ann Coulter loose on them

7. Disrupt or shut down their Blackberries

6. Get Rick Tocchet and Janet Jones to start gambling ring in Palestine and bleed them dry with bad odds and rigged games

5. Recommend the hire Michael Brown to head up their Disaster Response Department

4. Let Craigslist handle their apartment rental listings

3. Israel will send Hamas leadership DVD of Spielberg's "Munich" and tell them he's working on sequel called "Gaza"

2. Manufacture and plant evidence in other Muslim countries that Danish cartoons were really drawn by Hamas

1. Inviting Hamas leaders quail hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney

Monday, February 13, 2006

Clinton Anger Update 13 February 2006

Mehlman Apologizes (Sort Of ) For Saying Hillary Clinton Angry

McCain Letter and Cheney Shooting Has RNC Head Backing Off - For Now - Harsh Rhetoric

Maybe the cover of snow obscured the sight of pigs flying in the nation's capital yesterday.

Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman said that, while not backing off his comments that Hillary Clinton was "angry", he did admit that "we have a few angry folks on our side of the fence as well."

Last week, on the ABC news program, "This Week", Mehlman said that Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, a potential presidential contender in 2008, "seems to have a lot of anger."

"I don't think the American people, if you look historically, elect angry candidates. And whether it's the comments about the plantation or the worst administration in history, Hillary Clinton seems to have a lot of anger."

That was before, however, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) took to letter writing and Vice President Dick Cheney decided to go hunting.

"I stand by my comments about Hillary," said Mehlman, when contacted by The Garlic. "She angry … She's mad … She's as mad as a wet hen, that's just so obvious. What I could have said at the time, was that we had some angry people as well. The difference is that our people have a right to be angry, they're not grandstanding, or trying to score political points."

"Senator McCain," added Mehlman, "was well within his rights to go after Senator Obama (D-IL), for turning his back on bipartisanship solutions. As to the Vice President, I'm not sure what happened down there. Something must have ticked him off."

Last week, McCain fired off a harsh letter to Obama, hammering him for his alleged turn-around on the legislation to reform lobbying, saying in the letter "I concluded your professed concern for the institution and the public interest was genuine and admirable. Thank you for disabusing me of such notions."

Obama had wrote to McCain that he would be endorsing the Democratic plan for reform, that called for direct legislation, and not the task force that McCain was proposing.

The anger escalating between the two senators after Obama won a Grammy Award last week, in the Spoken Word Category, for his recording of his autobiography, "Dreams From My Father."

McCain quickly announced that he was heading to the studio, to record former Attorney General John Ashcroft's "When Eagles Soar" in an effort to one-up Obama.

Obama's office would not comment, directly, on McCain, but did indicate that Obama was considering issuing new recordings of
The Edwin Star classic, "War, What Is It Good For" and Gil Scott Heron's "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"

Cheney Shooting Deemed Accident

With details sketchy, it's not clear if anger was involved in Vice President Dick Cheney's shooting of his hunting companion, Austin, Texas millionaire lawyer, Harry Whittington, 78, at a private ranch.

The White House waited over 20-hours to release news of the shooting, indicating they were deferring to the owner of the ranch, Anne Armstrong.

Armstrong, the wife of the late Tobin Armstrong, a major financial backer of the Bush-Cheney team, was a former counselor to President Nixon, has served on the board of the Halliburton Corp., where Cheney was chief executive before becoming vice president.

According to reports, Cheney was using a 28-gauge shotgun and both men were wearing orange vests. Whittington was said to have come up behind the Vice President, as he was shooting at a flock of quail, and was hit with birdshot, from his cheek, down to his chest.

"I know that the Vice President is pretty steamed up," said Mehlman, "about the criticism leveled at himself, and the President, over their lawful and legal use of torture and wiretapping to defend this country. I don't know, at this point, if that anger was carried into the ranch, or in the hunting party."

The White House quickly denied that the Vice President's shooting had anything to do with administration policies.

"We have no new agenda's," offered Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary. "We have no proposals for "Clean Hunting" or "No Hunter Left Behind" legislation.

McClellan also stressed that there is no connection between the shooting, and the White House's new study on protecting polar bears.

"As best as we know," said McClellan, "the Vice President enjoys hunting birds … Duck and Quail. We're not aware of any interest on his part in hunting bear."

Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association, where Cheney, a longtime hunter, delivered the keynote address in 2004, defended the Vice President's right to hunt and added.

"I only wish this happened in Florida. We could use a high-profile case there."

LaPierre was referencing the "Stand Your Ground" law, signed by Governor Jeb Bush last year. Critics had dubbed it the "Shoot First" law, as it allows the use of weapons in self-defense, for people to shoot anyone who breaks into a home, occupied vehicle, or place of business.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons White House Delayed News Of VP Cheney's Shooting Of Fellow Hunter

10. Trouble getting everybody needed to make announcement to White House due to the blizzard

9. Needed to confirm if it was an accident or not

8. It was up to President Bush to give wavier, on commenting on any ongoing investigations

7. Had to check with NSA first, to see if there were any recordings of wiretaps on the shooting

6. President needed to wait for DVD of weekend news before commenting on it

5. Hey, don't blame us, it was up to Anne Armstrong to announce

4. Needed time to review, and put a lid on any photos showing President Bush and Anne Armstrong together

3. Had to check and see if there were any angles they could blame either Iran or Syria for the shooting

2. White House lawyers needed to pour over Constitution, to see if Vice President has inherent rights to shoot fellow hunters

1. Didn't want to break into NBC coverage of Michelle Kwan pulling out of Olympics

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 12 February 2006

In a press briefing today, defending his domestic wiretapping program, President Bush announced that, back in 2002, another Al-Qeada plot was foiled in Los Angeles

Terrorists, according to the President, disguised as Santa Clauses were to fan out across the city, stealing pets

New Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Ben Bernanke
released a report on Friday that said U.S. Consumer spending and confidence was "sky high" for the month of January

To bolster his chances for the 2008 Presidential nomination, and to burnish his position on national defense, Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney volunteered to be First Lady Laura Bush's bodyguard at the Olympic Games in Torino, Italy

The New York City Police Department is purchasing the classic muscle car, ordering 15 2006 Dodge Chargers.

According to a department spokesperson, the cars will be used in a new program, clamping down on moonshining operations in the Big Apple.

Not everyone was disappointed in Michelle Kwan's withdrawl from the Olympic Games

Reports say that Janet Jones, actress wife of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, bet $25,000 that Kwan "would never lace up"

A new Olympic controversy opened up this morning, after the IOC ruled in favor of the late entry of newsman Ted Koppel and South Africa's Nelson Mandela for the Two-Man Bobsled competetion

Reportedly, Koppel will wear at "helmet-cam" and later produce a 10-hour documentry at his new network, The Discovery Channel