Wednesday 1 February 2006

Breaking News!
Bush Administration To Tap Punxsutawney Phil To Bolster Foreign Policy

Gobbler's Knob Appearance Tomorrow Will Be Last For Famous Prognosticator

With the negotiations going late into the evening, and not clear enough to announce in the President's State of the Union Address last night, the White House announced this morning that the famous, prognosticating groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, will join the White House staff, working to bolster Foreign Policy decisions.

"We've been caught too many times by surprises," offered White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett, "we had to do something to get back on track."

Punxsutawney Phil will report to Washington on Thursday, following his final appearance at Gobbler's Knobb, for, at least, the next few years, to offer this years' prediction on how long winter will last.

The town of Punxsutawney, PA hosts, what has now become an Internationally-celebrated event, Groundhog Day, depicted hilariously in the 1993 film of the same title, starring Bill Murray.

"We feel fortunate that we were able to get Punxsutawney Phil," said Bartlett. "He's got great media recognition and a long, long record of being accurate with his prognostications. We can certainly use some of that to better our policy decisions.

Since taking office in 2000, the Bush Administration has been saddled with a bevy of "surprises".

First was the missed signals of the deadly September 11th attacks.

This was followed by the "faulty intelligence" that led the country into invading Iraq, and yet, more surprises when the U.S. Troops were not greeted as liberators and Iraq quickly degenerated into looting and chaos.

More disappointment followed when the Weapons of Mass Destruction could not be found, Osama bin Laden could not be found and, after Vice President Dick Cheney declared the Iraqi Insurgency to be in "it's final throes" last year, all indications are that the insurgency has gotten stronger.

More unexpected news came, when the Administration, first, were surprised by the strength of Hurricane Katrina, then, even more shocked when the levees burst, flooding the city of New Orleans. The Administration also seemed taken aback, when New Orleans, as well as other areas in the Gulf Coast, expected the Federal Government to come to their aid.

And it the Bush White House thought that being caught off-guard was behind them, 2006 brought the news of the terrorist group Hamas, winning the majority of seats in the recent Palestinian elections.

"We fully expect Punxsutawney Phil to start reversing this trend," said Bartlett.

Bartlett indicated the Punxsutawney Phil will work "primarily, on foreign policy" but will also be employed "to use his expertise of some domestic issues".

Bartlett would not comment if the Bush Administration plans on using Punxsutawney Phil to prognosticate on the outcome of the pending NSA Wiretapping court cases, if President Bush will be declared as having violated the law.

Punxsutawney Phil will be expected to assist President Bush with choosing the right doors