News In Brief 30 January 2006

White House Calls Coulter On The Carpet; "Poison" Remarks Force Increase In HSD Budget

Bush Says "Reports Giving Secrets To Our Enemies"; Food Tasters, New Chefs Need To Be Brought In For High Court

The White House today denied reports that they were engaged "warranties poisoning" and announced that reporting the remarks by Universal Press Syndicate columnist and right-wing pundit Ann Coulter"may be giving secrets to our enemies".

"This is shameful," said President Bush, in an official White House Press Release.

"Publishing and promoting the ways we may get more opportunities to stock the Supreme Courts is an act of irresponsibility. It gives knowledge and aid to our enemies," added the President.

Officially, the White House is directing the Justice Department, and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to launch an investigation into the matter.

This includes calling Coulter into the White House, for what Chief of Staff Andy Card characterized as "a serious sit-down".

"Ann has done a tremendous job for us, assailing the Democrats, Michael Moore, the Left Wing, but we have to keep her focused, keep her on the talking points."

Card indicated that, likely right after the President's State of the Union Address tomorrow evening, the White House will announce
establishing a "Crème Brulee Surveillance Program"

Coulter, at a speech last week at Philander Smith College in Arkansas, said, in regards to appointing more Conservative judges to the Supreme Court that “We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice [John Paul] Stevens’ crème brulee.”

Coulter quickly added a disclaimer. “That’s just a joke, for you in the media.”

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff said that Coulters remarks, whether serious or a joke, have already caused "enormous ramifications".

"We have to go back to Congress now, for a Supplemental Budget increase," said Chertoff. "This could take some money away from our Katrina recovery efforts. It causes us a great deal of logistics, new equipment … For instance, we have to have a staff of new chefs and food tasters now for, not just the Supreme Court, but all the Federal Courts. We have to notify, then have workshops, for all the state agencies, to educate them on this new, Cream Brulee threat."

Chertoff indicated that he doubts the government will have to raise the nation security threat level.

Coulter, known for her vicious, bellicose, over-the-top commentary, since early last spring, has been on the White House list, for becoming an alternative energy source.