Friday, May 06, 2005

Friday 6 May 2005

Congress Acts On New National Driver's License

3-Point Turn Kept In 'Patriots with Wheels' Bill; Homeland Security To Issue Daily Hand Signals

Congress, yesterday, took sweeping, Orwellian steps towards creating a National Driver's License, that will, in effect, act as state identification cards. The bill will require states to verify and authenticate documents that applicants use to prove their identify and legal residency.

Known as the 'Patriots with Wheels Act', if passed by the Senate, as it is expected to, and signed by President Bush, May 2008 will be the date the states will be required to verify with issuers of birth certificates, mortgage statements, utility bills, Social Security cards, and immigration papers, the information provided by the applicants and keep the information for, at least, seven-years.

Existing licenses would remain valid until they expire, and drivers who want to renew would then have to undergo the new identity verification process.

The bills author, Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-WI), said that "the 'Patriots with Wheels Act will prevent another 9/11-type attack by disrupting the terrorists" He also cited that it contains vital border security provisions.

Contentious debate broke out as Sensenbrenner and other House Republicans attached the 'Patriots with Wheels Act' to a supplemental appropriations bill funding US troops in Iraq. Senators from both parties, concerned that the bill did not receive a proper hearing, signed at letter of protest to Senate majority leader Bill Frist (R-TN).

State governments are concerned, and have voiced to Congress that it will cost hundreds-of-millions more that Congress is estimating and, with the cumbersome documentation, create longer lines at motor vehicle bureaus.

The most heated arguments came when Republicans voted to keep the three-point turn in the requirements to obtain a driver's license. Sensenbrenner defended the move as vital to security.

"I know that our intelligence people have heard a great deal of chatter about this. Those terrorist, particularly the Muslim one's just can't get the hang of it … They're petrified of having to make a three-point turn move … It will be a dead give-away".

Another aspect that created controversy is that Homeland Security will issue, based on the level of threats, new hand signals that will be required of all drivers to know and be able to execute. The new hand signals will be issued, along the color code of the threat.

"It's going to be awful hard for them", stated Sensenbrenner "for these extremists to, first know what the hand signal of the day is, and then, execute it while holding on to their bombs".

Sears, Nike Split Up

Retailer Tells Sneaker Company To Go USA

Sears, in very loud and clear terms, told Nike that "this is where America shops" and booted the Beaverton, Oregon sneaker maker off its shelves.

Lee Antonio, a spokeswoman at Sears Holdings in Hoffman Estates, Ill., confirmed reports that Sears will no longer stock, carry or sell any Nike products, as Sears, in part related to it being acquired by Kmart earlier this year, will focus on American-made products.

"We've listened to our customers" cited Antonio. "This is where America shops and we want to give them quality American products".

Nike has been dogged, despite its success, for running sweatshops in Asia and Mexico, often with poor working conditions and charges of exploiting overseas labor. Paying its works mere pennies, Nike products, like its popular Air Jordan sneaker, named for former NBA superstar, Michael Jordan, cost hundreds-of-dollars.

Phil Knight, the charismatic, and often brash, CEO of Nike said that "Sears was pandering to the Patriot Act … We'll do just fine without them … Jethro will now have to buy some cheap brand of shoe to go with his overalls"

Knight continued in his comments about Sears

"I hear their going to introduce a Kenmore Freedom Fries Fryer … And they're with Kmart now … Maybe, if Martha goes back to prison, someone can bake her cake with some Craftsman tools in it … I always hated doing our creative shots with them … I've seen mannequins that are better looking then the models they use …"

Ms. Antonio advised that Sears will continue to carry top brand shows, for companies like Reebok, New Balance, Adidas and Skechers. She also refused to confirm, or deny, reports that the Sears/Kmart venture are planning to open retail stores in Asia and Mexico.

"If that does occur", offered Antonio, "at least the Nike workers in those areas would be able to shop and purchase a quality shoe at a reasonable price".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Ann Coulter Would Be Saying If She Were An Over-The-Top Liberal Democrat

10. Poor Princess Diana … It wouldn't surprise me at all for it to come out that the CIA and MI5 killed her

9. I think anorexia should be classified as a disease and treatment should be covered by medical plans and HMO's

8. Let Bush have his daughters serve on the front lines and let's see if he keeps lying about the need for this war

7. "Woman like Kay Bailey Hutchison and Bay Buchanan are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down - They're whores."

6. If we put one more innocent person to death, because of the archaic death penalty, we should execute the judge and jury too

5. I know what we can do with Tom DeLay - A public flogging … That'll get his ethics straight

4. We have to stop - at all cost, by any measure - the Republicans from dismantling the New Deal

3. You could say that George Bush is a dick with ears, but that may be an insult to penises

2. I don't blame that young bride-to-be from running away; Her husband-to-be looks like a bible-thumping Republican

1. Can't wait to start my new show on Air America Radio, with my co-host, Bill Clinton

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Thursday 5 May 2005

Texas Bill Banning Cheerleading Causes Panic, Confusion and Exodus

Teens Flee State By Thousands, Causing Gridlock; See Bill As Ban On Being Teen

The Texas House of Representatives approved a bill on Monday, by a vote of 65 to 56, that would allow state education officials to prohibit "overtly sexually suggestive" cheering and drill team routines.

And, as news of the bill reached schools, teenagers began fleeing the state by the scores-of-thousands, causing virtually total gridlock on the Texas Highway System.

Roads leading out of Texas into New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Louisiana were jammed with automobiles packed with young teenagers. Texas Governor Rick Perry activated the National Guard and officials in the surrounding states were mobilizing resources to handle the immense influx of teenagers.

Many of the teens were loud and boisterous, some openly drinking beer and smoking marijuana.

"They're trying to kill our teen years", shouted one young girl.

"Sexy cheerleaders is what high school is all about", shouted a teen boy, wearing his football jacket.

The legislation was sponsored by Representative Al Edwards, a Houston Democrat and ordained minister, who attempted to add a rider that schools would lose state funding for permitting "racy" routines. Edwards once offered a bill that would allow the state to amputate the fingers of convicted drug dealers.

The bill followed heated debate about cheerleading, and the alleged influence of popular culture on young cheerleaders, notably, the legendary and often scantily-clad Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Supporters of the bill cited provocative dances seen on television shows, like MTV, as well as movies, such as "Bring It On" and it's sequel, "Bring It On Again." Those against the bill argued it wasn't up to the state to decide what was "lewd" or "overtly sexual", pointing to the hard work, talent needed and skill involved in cheerleading.

Ironically, Dallas, Texas is the home of the National Cheerleaders Association, founded in 1948, which conducts cheerleading camps and competitions around the country.

"We believe it's a very small minority of cheerleaders, not the 98 percent who do things right, that are being noticed at the suggestive level," said Karen Halterman, vice president for marketing at the association. "We've already been looking into this thing, since our focus has been not just on technical skills but on grooming tomorrow's leaders."

Though the bill does not yet have a sponsor or support in the Texas Senate, the teenagers, en masse, decided that they didn't want to wait around.

"First cheerleading, then they'll probably make us wear uniforms to school", offered one teen, fleeing to New Orleans.

The Governor's office had no official statement as of Wednesday and has given no indication if he would veto the bill if it does pass in the Senate.

One staff member, speaking unofficially and anonymously, indicated it wasn't just the jammed highways that was the focus of the Governor but the state's economy as well.

"Who's going to be serving the hamburgers and shakes? … We have some many sectors effected by this … Caddies at the golf courses … Movie theatre ushers…"

"Heck, if they stay away, and we loose the Fall football season, that's millions down-the-drain".

One teen, shouting as his auto was crossing over the border into Oklahoma;

"They want to stop us from being teenagers …"

DIY Network Has An Ad Campaign - Finally

Three-Years-Plus in-the-making; All Hand-Made Print Run

When you call yourself the DIY Network, and you want to run an advertising campaign, you can't pick up the telephone and call and agency. You have to roll-up your sleeves and get the job done yourself.

It took over three-years, but the DIY Network, the Scripps Network-owned cable program, has finally finished their first advertising creative, a print campaign that will begin running in the network's major areas of programming concentration (Home Improvement, Gardening, Woodworking, Auto, and Crafts).

To promote one of DIY's five annual sweepstakes, a full-page ad will capture a do-it-yourselfer engrossed in a project and a one-third page strip that appears opposite the full-page ad advertising the sweepstakes.

The DIY Network, along with the cable program, has a website with over 15,000 DIY projects and advice from DIY experts, and offers a newsletter with DIY projects, program and sweepstakes information.

DIY executive officers, as well as the television staff and crew all worked on creating the ad, according to a source close to the show.

"There were a lot of false starts, ups-and-downs … I mean, they didn't know B-Roll from a coffee roll … The first few cuts at it, it looked like stick people drawn by a preschooler".

Reportedly, the DIY staff, living up to it's name, created everything to do with the ad, by themselves.

One group was sent out to the Pacific Northwest to cut down a tree and process it for the paper they would need. Another group worked in a lab to create barrels of ink. Others took night courses, to learn copy and creative writing.

This took tedious amounts of time and the executives at Scripps, who ordered the ad campaign, were growing impatient. Tension between DIY and Scripps grew, as one-year rolled into another, with no ad copy or creative to show.

Still more staffers spent massive amounts of time in libraries and on the internet, to research ad rates and submission policies.

Once the materials were ready, the DIY crew built a replica ad agency office, to help get them in the spirit. This included a lounge, with a hand-made pool table, fully-tiled sauna room and a small kitchen.

Other material needed were provided by sponsors, in exchange for on-air credit and advertising, once a staffer read in a marketing newsletter that such transactions were commonplace.

About three-months into their fourth-year, they produced what will be used for the campaign run.

With the tagline, "This is my masterpiece. This is my network", the ad will run in Better Homes and Gardens, Cottage Living, Family Handyman, Handy, Midwest Living, Southern Living and This Old House.

Top Ten Cloves: What The Coma Fireman, Who Hasn't Spoken in 10-Years, Talked About When He Woke Up

10. Something going on in France - I see all these stories about the 'Paris Hilton'?

9. Maybe, we can stop by Woolworth's on the way home from the hospital

8. Doesn't surprise me … I always thought that Katie Couric was alittle bossy and to big for her britches

7. Start chilling the beers and buying the pretzels … I woke up in time for some Stanley Cup action!

6. That has to be wrong …You must be talking about the plane that flew into the Empire State Building and that was years ago

5. Now, you're pulling my leg … You want me to believe the Boston Red Sox won the World Series?

4. How about, when I get out of here, we take a nice, exotic vacation … Maybe some island like Sumatra … Indonesia ...

3. You gotta be kidding me - O.J was innocent!?

2. How many home runs is the record now? … They gotta be juiced to hit that many!

1. You mean Bush's son is President!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Wednesday 4 May 2005

Reality Show In The Wings
Vegas, Circuit Clamors For Laura Bush
Press Laments Daily Briefings Now With Headlining First Lady

Since her stunning, and controversial, performance Saturday night, at the White House Press Correspondents Dinner, First Lady Laura Bush has been barraged with offers from Las Vegas promoters, to comedy club owners and television producers.

Inside sources have told The Garlic that since Monday, the First Lady has appeared at the daily press briefings, insisting that Press Secretary Scott McClellan introduce her with the call, "Hereeeees, Laura!".

Yesterday, Mrs. Bush had Michael Buffer, the infamous boxing ring announcer, flown into Washington to offer his trademark delivery of "Let's get ready for Laura".

At the press briefings this week, Mrs. Bush has taken the podium and delivered, anywhere between five-to-ten-minutes of stand-up comedy and, as was the case Saturday night, taking aim at her husband, President Bush, other cabinet members and even press correspondents in the briefing room.

One reporter offered that the First Lady picked on ABC's Sam Donaldson yesterday.

"She looked down at Sam and let loose with a string of, what I consider, nasty comments".

Reportedly, Mrs. Bush said of Donaldson;

"…while your questions may better than Jeff Gannon's, let me tell you honey, with your looks, you can forget about the part of being a male escort"

She then added; "Don't lose hope, maybe ABC will do a show "Desperate Old News Reporters".

Numerous press correspondents have complained, privately, to McClellan, on being forced to stay for the First Lady's performance and not being able to write or give on-air comment regarding it. McClellan is enforcing a 'full lid" on the First Lady's comedy.

Las Vegas promoters and comedy club owners from around the country have been calling the White House, and offering the First Lady contracts, some as high as a half-million dollars, to appear and perform.

Reports have Reality Television kingpin, Mark Burnett, already signing a deal with NBC for a new show next fall, Last First Lady Standing. Burnett, allegedly, has agreements with former First Ladies, Roselyn Carter, Barbara Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton for a series in which the ladies will square off in a stand-up comedy battle.

NBC would neither confirm or deny the story.

McClellan offered no critical comment on the First Lady's routine, saying that "it always a good thing when we have the opportunity for the First Lady to speak out to the American people and press on issues that are important".

Clinton Joins Food Pyramid Protest
Says Won't Deter Child Obesity; Poll Shows Public Prefers The Sphinx

Former President Bill Clinton has joined Egypt in protesting the use MyPyramid, the new food guidance system released by Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns last month, and going further by saying it will add to the increasing obesity of children.

Last month, as reported by The Garlic (21 April; Egypt Protests New U.S. Use of Pyramids) Nabil Fahmy, the ambassador of the Arab Republic of Egypt to the United States, lodged a protest the use of pyramids was a cultural insult to Egypt, who has pyramids going back to 4,600-years.

"Egypt is very pleased to see the former President joining us in this fight", declared Fahmy when apprised of Clinton's comments.

Clinton, speaking at a New York City Public School, rallied his William J. Clinton Foundation in speaking out against the use of pyramids to convey diet needs and cited that children would the most impressionable.

"I love pyramids", said Clinton. "The rich history and traditions of the Egyptian people that they represent shouldn't be put in front of young children in that light. For a young child to know what cheese they should eat will only know the pyramids for that, and that's a shame".

Clinton, who struggled with this weight during his presidency, and was overweight in his teen years, said it took his recent medical experiences to have him focus on his diet. Clinton looked fit and trim during his appearance at the school.

"Perhaps the Bush Administration should have used an operating room for the symbols of it's new guidelines".

Clinton's appearance was part of an emerging alliance, between the American Heart Association, the food industry, schools, health care providers and the media, to highlight to young children the important health factors in proper eating and how it effects their lives.

The Agriculture Department declined comment on Clinton's remarks, releasing the statement;

"MyPyramid was developed to carry the messages of the dietary guidelines and to make Americans aware of the vital health benefits of simple and modest improvements in nutrition, physical activity and lifestyle behavior".

In a related topic, a new CNN/Gallup poll released yesterday, over 54% of those polled about MyPyramind indicated they prefer the Sphinx over Pyramids and 17% responded that would rather take a boat ride down the Nile River. The poll also showed 84% indicated they would wait until the Bush Administration installed democracy in Egypt before planning a visit there.

Top Ten Cloves: What Jilted Fiancés Can Do If Your Bride-To-Be Runs Away

10. Good excuse to blow off work and sleep late

9. Time to try on her hot red dress that you've been dying for; If caught, act distraught that she's gone

8. Favorite breakfast you haven't had since you met her - Cheerios and beer

7. Realize you're in the clear - she'll never know now that it was a fake diamond

6. Okay to bring in your favorite old, smelly barker lounger from the garage and back into the house

5. Crack open the beers and click on to the Pay-Per-View Adult Section

4. Now you can hit on that cute little blonde that just joined the Bible Study group

3. Act outraged, just enough, that the police consider you a suspect so you can sell your story to 'Hard Copy'

2. Give the press the absolute worst photos of your bride-to-be to use for publication

1. Put a few calls into Tom DeLay and Bill Frist … Just in case she turns up in a persistent vegetative state

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Tuesday 3 May 2005

$5-Billion Sale Goes To Two Finance Groups
Neiman Marcus Sells Self Through Catalog
"Almost Threw Away Book In Recycling", Says Buyer

It sat, on Page 67 of the 2004 Christmas Catalog, a half page offering under the title; "If You Like The Catalog So Much, Why Not Buy The Company!

The listed price in the catalog, like so many other items shown in the legendary Neiman Marcus catalogs - the tanks, the desert islands, the jewels, the miniature sports cars - displayed a steep price tag - "Mid-Billions, Negotiable".

For nearly eight-months, no serious offers. A few loyal customers made cursory inquiries, however, Neiman Marcus Chief Executive Burton M. Tansky, had begun looking at other options.

Then the call came.

David Bonderman, Managing Partner for the Texas Pacific Group, had been cleaning out his home office and, after grabbing the Neiman Christmas catalog, to pitch it in the recycling bin, he thumbed threw it, landing, with surprise, on Page 67.

Texas Pacific Group, owners of J.Crew and other brand name companies, prides itself in rebuilding well-known luxury brands who have fallen on hard times. An active investor, with over $20 billion under management, Bonderman knew he had to make the move.

Bonderman reached out to Warner Pincus, Chairman and CEO of Warburg Pincus, a pioneer in raising investment capital from financial institutions rather than wealthy families, pitched a joint purchase of Neiman Marcus and the deal was set.

Tansky was quite relieved.

"More than any other item we've placed in the catalog, we worked that one over-and-over. I don't know how many rewrites we did …We wanted to get it … just right … Keeping in the tradition of the catalog".

"We looked at thousand of photos to use. We even consider putting out a special catalog, just on the company, lying out our assets, achievements, customer testimonials … much like the merchandise".

Bonderman bristled at the comparison to Victor Kiam, the late owner of Remington, maker of electric razors ("I liked the shaver so much, I bought the company").

"We're purchasing the crown jewel of American retail", he said

Neiman, with 37 stores across the nation, took an opposite approach when many big retailers were scaling back. Neiman abandoned its moderately-priced merchandise and went even higher upscale, to become the gold standard for luxury goods. The move helped Neiman Marcus maintain its most loyal and very affluent customer base.

"I know this", offered Bonderman, "that I'll be looking at everything - very carefully - before I toss anything way".

And Tansky?

"In the end, I wrote the catalog copy myself".

Visa Ends Triple Crown Sponsorship But Keeps Derby
Cites Pending Use of Child Jockeys As Means To Increase Brand

Visa is hoping that "Everywhere You Want To Be" will be at the Kentucky Derby, using your Visa Card.

Credit Card giant Visa announced yesterday that it will end its sponsorship of racing's Triple Crown and move over to an exclusive, five-year sponsorship of the Kentucky Derby.

Visa will be the only credit card accepted at Churchill Downs during this sponsorship period. Holders of Visa Signature cards will have exclusive perks, including access to tickets, the stable area and special events around the hoopla and pageantry of the Kentucky Derby.

Visa has sponsored the Triple Crown since 1996 and, to add to the luster, puts out a tantalizing offer of a $5 million bonus for any horse who wins the Triple Crown (The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness and the Belmont Stakes). Through the sponsorship, Visa has never had to pay the bonus. Six horses have won the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but all lost at Belmont.

No horse has won the Triple Crown since Affirmed in 1978.

Visa will offer, for the last time, the $5 million Triple Crown bonus, beginning this Saturday, with the running of the Kentucky Derby.

Both racing and marketing industry observers say it was the Kentucky Derby's move to using child jockeys that likely tipped the deal (See The Garlic, Friday 15 April 2005'; Derby Considers Child Jockeys From Qatar)

"This opens all kinds of doors for Visa", offered one marketing executive. "Think of all the tie-ins with children - toys, food, candy, clothes … It's gigantic …Once the other tracks start using child jockeys … They'll be bigger then Disney before long"

"I heard", said one official at Churchill Downs who asked to stay anonymous, "that some states, and courses, are seeking special exemptions, that will allow children to wager - not for money, but prizes, merchandise, vacations … All tied in with Visa's network".

Some controversy still surrounds Churchill Downs and their move to use child jockeys.

Jockey clubs and associations, as well as racing purists and child advocates and agencies denounce the move and plan on protesting at the Derby.

Legendary jockey, Lafitt Pincay, was quoted as saying "first lampposts, and booze decanters … Now this - children …"

Both Visa's and Churchill Down's announcement of the new sponsorship did not mention the use of child jockeys or the surrounding controversy.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Than Saying They Were Kidnapped, Stories Runaway Brides Can Use

10. Have new job as Quality Inspector for Greyhound Bus Lines that requires travel

9. Got subpeona to testify before Congress on steroids in baseball

8. You know the saying; When you runaway to Albuquerque … You stay in Albuquerque

7. That Wendy's in San Jose is ripe - Say I found wedding ring in chili; Get enough cash for house downpayment

6. Hey, Tom DeLay can take trips and not have to answer to anyone!

5. Since you wouldn't buy me an iPod, headed to New York City, to ride the subway and steal me one ...

4. Had plans to move to Florida after the wedding, anyway, so I can shoot anyone I want

3. Julia Roberts is busy with her new kid - Thought to get a jumpstart on being cast in the sequel, Runaway Bride II

2. Taking trip to Alaska - before President Bush starts drilling the shit out of it ...

1. Didn't you hear? It's a new Reality TV show - Punk'd Fiances!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Monday 2 May 2005

Runaway Bride Influenced By Ad Campaign
Disappointed it "didn't stay in Vegas"; Vows Never To Return

Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway Georgia bride, was strongly influence, and disappointed, by the advertising campaign, ''What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas', according to sources close to the investigation.

Wilbanks took off last Tuesday, just days before her pending marriage to fiancé, John Mason. She later admitted that she had 'cold feet' and boarded a bus in Georgia and headed to Las Vegas. After spending some time in Las Vegas, she took another bus to Albuquerque, N.M., as she sought to avoided the 600-guest wedding, which included 14 bridesmaids and ushers.

A source close to the investigation in Albuquerque leaked portions of the interrogation to The Garlic. In this passage, Wilbanks indicates she was strongly influenced by the Vegas ad campaign.

Speaking to Albuquerque detectives, Wilbanks said;

"I was scared, confused … I knew if I could get to Las Vegas, I would be safe … Nobody would say anything - just like in the commercial … It wouldn't go anywhere … Nobody would say anything …"

Wilbanks went on to describe that, in a coffee shop, in talking about her plight with the waitress, the server allegedly told her boss, who came over to Wilbanks and advocated she call home. Ms. Wilbanks stated she was devastated that her secret was told and fled the coffee shop.

The ad campaign, created for the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority by of R&R Partners, a local Las Vegas ad house, depicts in it's campaign scenarios of a boxer and his manager and, ironically, another with a bachelorette party. All the spots conclude with the tagline, “What happens in Vegas… Stays in Vegas.”

It's to say that Vegas as a place that is “commitment-free, pressure-free, judgment-free,” according to Billy Vassiliadis, chief executive of R&R Partners.

According to the investigation source, it seems that Wilbanks is more upset about Las Vegas not keeping her secret, than about ruining the wedding plans.

"She told the Albuquerque detectives that she'll never go to Las Vegas again".

There are calls, in both Georgia and Albuquerque, to charge Ms. Wilbanks. Albuquerque Police Chief Ray Schulz said charges are unlikely and that Ms. Wilbanks is 'a person in crisis'

In Gwinnett County, Georgia, District Attorney Danny Porter is looking at possible charges of reporting a crime that didn't exist.

In Washington, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) said in an interview that Congress should look into this ad campaign.

"It's not beneficial to have television and ad agencies influencing people to commit crimes. I have been a strong supporter of protecting families and preserving family values. As the father of six children, I know that raising a family can be a struggle and the undo influence of liberal, sin-spouting television commercials have no place in our homes"

Santorum indicated he will look to form a committee to hold hearing on the 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' ad campaign to "see if any other crimes have been committed"

First Lady Takes Swipes At Husband, Staff
White House Dinner Audience "uncomfortable' with jibes

First Lady Laura Bush, under cover of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, took hard-hitting swipes at her husband, President Bush, as well as Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and other cabinet members, staff and those in the audience

The harshness of the jibes took many in the audience by surprise.

Mrs. Bush opened up by greeting the audience with "Looks like Bill Bennett lost another bet - I'm up here at the podium"

She then apologized the absence of the Vice President.

"I'm sorry Dick Cheney isn't here - he's in his secret bunker, working … No rest for the weary - or those planning the invasion of Iran"

Spotting Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sitting with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Mrs. Bush noted;

"How would you like to be in a room with those two - if they ever went on 'Law and Order', it would be 'bad cop-bad cop' …"

The First Lady dispelled the constant rumors that her husband doesn't read books.

"He's read two or three of the Harry Potter series …And he likes to think of himself as a, sort of, magician … But of course, we all know what he's doing in Iraqi is just smoke and mirrors …"

"He recently told me he wants to read 'The DiVinci Code' but asked if it comes with a decoder ring …"

The First Lady went on to take swipes at NBC newswoman Andrea Mitchell ("only bride she knows who's registry offered senior citizen discounts"), Senator Bill Frist (he couldn't come tonight, his lips are chapped from kissing so many conservative Christian asses last week) to her recent appearance on the 'Tonight Show, with Jay Leno' ("My God, Leno's chin was the size of Mount Rushmore").

Many in the audience, a combination of high powered politicians, media moguls, television and film personalities, became noticeably uncomfortable as the First Lady rolled on. She nearly bumped the featured comedian of the evening, Cedric, The Entertainer, delaying his appearance by more than 17-minutes.

Offered one attendee, a magazine publisher who wished to remain anonymous;

"Either she had alittle too much wine, or we're seeing the debut of a new Laura Bush"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Your Maypole Celebration Pissed Off Your Neighbors

10. You're wife warned you had to wear clothes when doing the Maypole dance

9. Well it wasn't just the Maypole that bothered them; the pigs roasting over an open pit was what really did it

8. Just moved into town; How were you supposed to know it was the 300-year old historic elm the town's founders planted?

7. You explain you're a Texas A&M graduate and it is customary to have a 30-foot high bonfire with it

6. Instead of ribbons, you have piñatas attached to it; Say you're keeping up for Cinco de Mayo

5. Updating it, as a Def Maypole Jam, using rap music, was a bit overboard …

4. You're ribbon-tying so stimulating, Helmut Newton shows up to photograph it

3. For the dance around the pole, you brought in the June Taylor dancers

2. Way too much fun for one day; You announce that you're going to do it every first-of-the-month

1. Skin Heads and Homeland Security agents show up; You mistakenly put on the flyer it was a 'May Day' celebration