Friday 3 June 2005

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News In Brief - 3 June 2005

Nader Lobbies EU Leaders For Ballot Spot

Ralph Nader appealed once again to the European Union to place the perennial candidate on the ballot for the European Union Constitution voting, and that his presence, and a spot in running the new Union, will stem the tide of "No" votes.

On Sunday, voters in France said "No" to the constitution vote and on Wednesday, the Dutch overwhelmingly voted "No". This, for all intents-and-purposes, kills the adoption of the new constitution as all 25 members must approve it.

Nader cites his vast experience in battling to be included on ballots or in debates as a powerful tool in assisting the fledgling E.U. in gaining consensus and moving forward.

Nader also cited that he loves "cheese, chocolate and Jerry Lewis films" as reasons to bring him into the campaign.

Top Ten Cloves: What The Michael Jackson Jury Will Talk About When They Get The Case

10. Think he'd be up for paying each of us millions to let him go?

9. Anybody else got a book deal yet?

8. I wish Liz Taylor showed up to testify - I wanted to see if she's as big as everyone says

7. Why couldn't we get the Runaway Bride case …That would be a lot more fun

6. I liked his pajamas - do you think I can get them at a store or are they custom-made?

5. Okay, that's 12-0 in favor of getting chimps to do our housework

4. Was that Gary Coleman or was it his kid?

3. I don't think I can ever drink wine again without calling it "Jesus Juice"

2. You can bet, his first day in prison, someone will be dangling him of the third floor tier

1. When we reach our verdict, let's moonwalk back into the courtroom

Thursday 2 June 2005

49ers Next Plan Ghetto and Street Fighting Videos

Despite the controversy that has erupted over their last diversity training film, which featured lesbian pornography and racist humor, the San Francisco 49ers said last night that they continue to move forward with their program of educating their players on the situations they may face in the National Football League.

A series of Ghetto and Street Fighting videos are next in training and team officials stress that they have been purchased from a league-authorized vendor, and not, as with the diversity video, self-produced.

The controversial video, produced by former Public Relations Director, Kevin Reynolds, was a follow-up to a 2 1/2-hour diversity workshop — an event that Reynolds organized in the wake of an anti-gay comment by running back Garrison Hearst. It was meant to be shown to the players only, and the content was to demonstrate to the players on how to deal with the media.

A copy of the video, which Reynolds himself appeared in, conducting a gay wedding ceremony between two, busty woman, and encouraging them to "show me" how they will love each other, was sent to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Along with the pornography, the invective-laced speech and the racist humor, portions of the video were shot in San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's office. Press Secretary Peter Ragone indicated that permission was given, however, the understanding was that it was for a diversity training film.

"They didn't tell us anything about its content,'' Ragone said.

Greg Aiello, spokesman for the National Football League, said he was not aware of any other team-produced videos on media relations.

"The standard approach is to use our video and supplement it with comments by the PR directors, head coach, etc.," he said.

The Ghetto and Street Fighting video training is designed to show the players the type of situations they may get into away from the football field and instructors will offer the players options on how to avoid such situations.

"As best as we know" indicate a team spokesperson, "it is a set of professionally-produced videos. We didn't send any 49er's out into the streets to get into fights".


eBay Moves To Corner Web Spending

Shopping.Com Bought For Cash; SEC Looking Into Move As Global Domination May Be Goal

"Why are you doing it? How much better can you eat? What can you buy that you can't already afford?"

"The future, Mr. Gitts, the future."

While the above reference comes from Robert Towne's riveting 'Chinatown', it seems that eBay is intent on following its' directive.

Yesterday, the on-line auction giant plunked down $620-Million, in cash, to purchase the comparison shopping and consumer review site Shopping.com Inc.

The S.E.C and other government agencies are looking into the move, as it was unclear if it was a standard purchase-and-sale, or if Shopping.Com listed itself on the eBay auction website and company executives violated any laws in holding it out for their own personal gain.

Marketers have other worries, as it appears eBay is on-course to dominate spending on the word wide web.

Last year, eBay purchases included Rent.com ($415 million in stock and cash), Baazee.com, India's popular online shopping site, ($50 million), and the Dutch classified site, Marktplaats.nl ($290 million). They also increased their investment in Internet Auction Co., South Korea's largest online auction company and, in 2003, eBay purchased China's largest e-commerce site, EachNet, after an earlier, small investment.

"At the rate it is going", offered on beleaguered marketing executive, "there'll only be three places you can spend money on the web - Google, Apple and eBay"

eBay declined comment on the new purchase, or, if they have any plans to acquire Google and Apple.

News In Brief 2 June 2005

Burnett To Sign Deep Throat For New Reality Series
Felt To Host Show On Real-Life Whistle-Blowers

Reality Show king Mark Burnett is planning on signing W. Mark Felt, otherwise now known as "Deep Throat", to host a new Reality TV series on whistle-blowers.

Felt, who announced in the July issue of Vanity Fair magazine that it was he who was the anonymous source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, during their investigation of the Nixon Watergate scandal. The secret of who was "Deep Throat" was kept for over 31-years.

Burnett, through a company spokesperson, said he was "thrilled" to be able to get the real life "Deep Throat" for the Whistle-Blowers program, which will feature persons, in real jobs, exposing corruption and practices endangering the public safety.

"Think of it as", stated the spokesperson, "as a combination of 'Cops' and 'The Insider'. We'll have teams, with point values tied to the clues, as well as a panel of judges to score the creativity aspects and the determination of the contestants".

The show will air in the spring of 2006, however, Burnett will tape the 91-year-old Felt's appearances over the next few month.

No comment was offered as the what Felt's contract will pay and Burnett indicated that Bob Woodward will not make any money on this new project, even though it involves the words "Deep Throat".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Mark Felt Is Admitting

10. J. Edgar Hoover's dress size was a 22

9. He kinda likes the blue tinge that his Viagra pills give him

8. That he, not Al Gore, invented the Internet

7. Voted for Bo Brice last week

6. He was on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963 and did see shots fired from it

5. Dan Rather was under constant FBI surveillance to see if he really knew "the frequency"

4. FBI kept a file on everyone who solved Rubik's Cube

3. Pet Rock was really a FBI Behavioral Science operation to build a list of liberals and subversives

2. The FBI "encouraged" General Hospital to put Luke and Laura together as a means to suppress woman

1. He knew weeks before the general public who shot J.R.

Wednesday 1 June 2005

More Revelation Bombshells
Felt Admits To Being 'You're So Vain' Target

Simon Confirms "Brief Affair" With Former FBI Man

No sooner than he ignited the country with one of the best kept secrets of all-time, W. Mark Felt, the senior F.B.I. official who admitted to being the Watergate scandal's "Deep Throat" source, dropped a second bombshell when he announced that Carly Simon's 1973 hit song, 'You're So Vain', was aimed at himself.

The identity of "Deep Throat", the inside anonymous source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein that helped bring down the Nixon White House, was one of the country's longest - over 31-years - and most talked about secrets. Felt's identity was known only to Woodward, Bernstein and Washington Post Editor, Ben Bradlee

Felt, now 91-years-old, acknowledges being "Deep Throat" in an article that will appear in the July issue of 'Vanity Fair magazine. The secret, and sometime classified information that Felt provided The Washington Post, along with the actions of Judge John Sirica and the heated Senate hearings on the Watergate scandal eventually culminated in Nixon's decision to resign in 1974 rather than face impeachment.

As the airwaves burned through the evening, with numerous Nixon henchman, many still defending the Nixon Presidency and the subsequent cover-up of their covert actions, making panel appearances on television and radio, Felt, with a small group of lingering reporters, asked the group if they wanted to hear another admission.

Felt then offered that in 1971 and into 1972, Felt bumped into Simon at an airport layover and struck up a conversation with the young singer. He offered that the two "hit it off" and Felt abandoned his travel plans and flew off with Simon. He said the affair lasted approximately 10-months and the two parted amicably.

Simon, when reached late last evening, confirmed Felt's disclosure.

"I was in a funky period back than and here's this dashing, older man that looked like a diplomat. He totally charmed me, flew me around in government jets, we could get into anyplace we wanted to … It was quite quixotic"

Simon said she wrote 'You're So Vain' "to mark that period" and not as a scorned lover that most people interpreted the song to be.

"I knew from the beginning that it would be a brief affair … I didn't have any illusions and he was always quite the gentleman".

In 2003, Simon, for the 'Possible Dreams' charity auction, offered to reveal the identity of the song's target and NBC Executive Dick Ebersol ponied up $50,000 to win to bid. In August 2003, Simon hosted Ebersol and nine of his friends for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and vodka on the rocks. At midnight, Mr. Ebersol alone learned Simon's closely guarded secret.

"Both secrets were hard to keep" offered a tired Felt.

News In Brief 1 June 2005

Haig Stood In-The-Ready If Felt Backed Down

Former Nixon Staffer Okay To Take "Deep Throat" Rap

A small side drama played out in Washington yesterday as former Nixon Chief-of-Staff, General Alexander Haig, stood in the wings to step in and declare that he was "Deep Throat", in the event Mark Felt decided not to go through with it.

"I heard, throught the grapevine that this was coming down" offered Haig. "So I contacted Bob Woodward and told him that I could take control of the situation, if necessary".

Haig was the subject of criticism and ridicule, when, in 1981, serving as Ronald Reagan's Secretary of State, following the assassination attempt on Reagan, Haig declared that "I'm in control here".

"I didn't want to do that again", declared Haig, "but I am ready"

Top Ten Cloves: Things G. Gordon Liddy Would Like To See Happen Now That "Deep Throat" Is Exposed

10. Can pull the plug on the wiretaps and surveillance for Woodward and Bernstein

9. Still has a team that can abduct and "cancel with extreme prejudice" Mark Felt

8. Believes Bush Administration would do better with more break-ins - and he's ready to volunteer

7. Continue to harass John Dean

6. Cancel the contract on Alexander Butterfield

5. Ignore the news - stick to the story … Ignore the news - stick to the story

4. Tell Colson to shut down the church and get back to business

3. Get some sit-down time with Karl Rove to discuss his "career options"

2. Hmmm … Maybe it's time to cash-in on that 18-1/2 minutes of tape

1. Can stop harassing Hal Holbrook

Tuesday 31 May 2005

U.S. Military To Begin Abusing Bible
New Policy Cites Need To Be 'Fair and Balanced'

As calls mount for the closing of the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp, over the widespread allegations of torture and abuse, the U.S. Military has announced a new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program, that calls for the mistreatment and abuse of the Bible, and other religious works.

Lawrence Di Rita, the chief Pentagon spokesman, stated yesterday that the U.S. Military will begin implementing the new 'Faith-based Incarceration, immediately and, eventually, will cover nearly every religious denomination.

"With using the Bible, as an instrument of abuse and torture, we included a number of faiths, right there, alone. Prisoners that are Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Calvinist, or Lutheran - which we can also employ the Book of Concord - are going to feel the wrath of the U.S. Military.

For British and Australian P.O.W.'s, Di Rita indicated the King James Bible will be the object defiled.

Other faiths will be brought on-line in the P.O.W. prisoner camps as the need calls for. The U.S. Military can fly in a 'Faith-based Incarceration' torture kit "in a matter of hours" according to Di Rita.

"We have Torahs, and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion - that was a tip from our friends in Mossad. If we capture any Mormon, we can bring in the Book of Mormon, or the Pearl of Great Price".

The new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program comes in the wake of widespread allegations of the abuse of the Koran as a means to torture Islamic prisoners. Earlier this month, 'Newsweek' Magazine ran an article detailing such abuse at the Guantanamo prison in Cuba, that they later retract after the Bush Administration and the Pentagon gave blistering denials.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan went as far as blaming 'Newsweek' for the deaths of 17 Afghans in rioting that followed the publication. That assertion was subsequently refuted by U.S. Military commanders and by Afghan President Hamid Karzai during his visit to the White House last week.

What became clear to the Pentagon was the lack of a program that would trample all religions and a task force was quickly put together to develop a program that would be deemed as "fair".

Di Rita stated that other religions would soon be included.

"We' re working, as I speak, on Hindu program. There's too many writings to base the abuse on one by itself and it will depend just what region or faith that particular Hindu prisoner happens to be from. And then there's a number of 'New Age' religions that we need to investigate and see what can be used in those cases."

And the new Faith-based Incarceration' program has the full backing of the White House.

"President Bush", offered McClellan, "is happy to see a program where prisoners of different faiths can be abused and tortured equally and fairly".



New Zarqawi Tape Deemed 'Idol' Demo

Iraqi Terrorist Leader Warbles 'Louie Louie' In Attempt To Join Hit Show

It could have come down to Carrie Underwood and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

A new, 17-minute audio message addressed to Osama bin Laden, with the voice of a man claiming to be Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the U.S. Military's most wanted man in Iraq, has been deemed to be a demo tape that the terrorist leader was, perhaps, looking to gain entry to the hit American Idol program.

The rambling message, in which al-Zarqawi tells bin Laden that he was wounded, but only slightly, and is still in Iraq and running his insurregence program against the. U.S. and Iraqi forces.

According to a source close to the Military, who has been examining the authenticity of the audiotape, it may be that al-Zarqawi taped his new message over a previously recorded message - his singing a cover of the 1963 Kingsman hit tune, 'Louie, Louie'. After finishing off the tune, with a forced flourish, al-Zarqawi appeals to the American Idol reviewer to give him his best consideration.

It has long been rumored among military and intelligence officials that al-Zarqawi was a big fan of the American Idol program, including rumors that the U.S. Military ran a specially-coded broadcast of the program in Iraqi in an effort to track down the location of who was watching the program and matching those locations to known al-Zarqawi hideouts.

A spokesperson from American Idol stated that, while they receive demo tapes from all around the world, they have no record of receiving the al-Zarqawi tape.

The audio was posted on an Islamic website in which other al-Zarqawi messages have appeared late Monday night but bore the date from last Saturday.

In measured tones, al-Zarqawi admitted that he was wounded but dismissed that it was serious, or that he entered the Ramadi hospital, as had been rumored.

The source that listened to the tape indicated that al-Zarqawi's singing was about "on-par" for a typical, early-round, American Idol contestant.

"If you are familiar with the song "Louie, Louie", you'll be deeply disappointed. He sings in both broken English and Arabic and it sounds like he's backed by synthesizer and drum set - and that could easily have been a CD or tape .. It was extremely poor quality".

Military officials haven't ruled out that the use of 'Louie, Louie' by al-Zarqawi could be some kind of coded message to bin Laden.

News In Brief 31 May 2005

London Gripped In 5th Day of Riots
Fears That Big Ben Stoppage Signals 'End of Days'; Some Blame Camilla

The City of London suffered its fifth day of panic and rioting as British citizens ran through the streets, ransacking storefronts and overturning automobiles and lighting them on fire. The British military has been called in to augment the over-matched London Police and restore order.

The discord began last Friday evening, when the historic landmark clock, Big Ben, stopped ticking twice and remained inoperative for over 90-minutes.

Big Ben survived German bombings during World War II and has continued to mark the time to within 1.5 seconds of Greenwich Mean Time. In 1962, the giant clock rang in the New Year 10-minutes early due to snow, and broken machinery caused it to stop in 1976. Big Ben also stopped on April 30, 1997, and once more three weeks later.

Standing 315-feet-tall, Big Ben, actually the clock's 13-ton bell, was completed 1858

Officials say that it may have been the record-breaking heat in London, where it reached 90-degrees - the hottest May day in London since 1953. The heat, official also say, may be what contributed to the panic and rioting.

"It seemed like the whole town paused for a few minutes and then exploded" said one London police officer.

Security was beefed up at Windsor Castle as a crowd swelled, demanding that Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cornwall, the former Camilla Parker Bowles, leave the country. Some in crowd held signs blaming the Duchess for the troubles with Big Ben.

While some of the rioting has spread to towns outside of London, most of it has been contained within the city. The only establishments spared being razed are the town's pubs.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons The French Rejected European Union Constitution

10. Most pulled the lever thinking they were voting for the American Idol contestant Carrie Underwood

9. Want to stay independent in case Malcolm Glazier tries to buy EuroDisney

8. Afraid it would mean the Germans would occupy Paris again

7. It would have meant having to sell Freedom Fries

6. Those lazy Corsicans didn't bother to get up and vote

5. Upset if they voted "Yes" for the constitution, that they would have their fingers dipped in purple dye

4. Most were riveted, watching Danica Patrick in the Indy 500 and didn't pay attention to how they voted

3. Bill Frist did another video message, advocating French adopt the E.U. Constitution

2. Voted "No" due to rumor that the E.U. would ban all Jerry Lewis films

1. Let's be real, the rest of Europe thinks they are as good as us?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

PEACE

THE GARLIC